Refusing School! Any advice

[MrsHankSchrader]

I have a 15 year old DD. She suffers with anxiety and panic attacks and we have sought counselling for this and she is also undergoing assessment for ADHD with a follow up at the end of the year.

In Year 8 she experienced an ostracising from her friendship group at school. It went on for a very long time and resulted in her having not one single friend. The school and the police were involved however the insults and social media posts etc never stopped so in the end we moved her high schools. She started a new school a year ago in Year 9.

She is now in Year 10 at High School, a very important time in her life, however she is now again refusing to go, refusing to get out of bed, refusing to get dressed etc. Said she hates school. School has visited home to see her and we've gotten to the bottom of the reason why and it's because the girl who she is friends with is off poorly this week. She feels she does not have the confidence to speak to other people or have lunch and breaks with them.

We have tried to put solutions in place where she can go eat with her head of year which have been refused because she will get called names for this.

She has this heavy reliance on one friend to be able to go to school. It's a really important time with her mocks coming up.

Every week it's something and sometimes when I'm at work she rings crying saying she cannot go because she's anxious.

This morning she point blank refused to get dressed and just got back into bed saying she isn't going.

I am now off work with her as this is making me feel mentally drained and I just do not know what to do.

I am in constant contact with the school and have telephone the NHS support services she is under to see if we can bring this appointment forward for some further help. I also phoned her GP last night.

I'm worried sick about her mental health and her education.

Does anyone have any experience?

Thanks for reading. I feel like a failure of a mother.

[ArseInTheCoOpWindow]

If she’s ND, despite what the school and other people say, she shouldn’t be forced in. She’s probably in burnout and needs to recover

l dont have any answers, my dd did this during yr 12. We’re currently fighting for an EHCP.

They have to provide education after 15 days ( non consecutive) absence. You may have to fight for it, but it’s enshrined in law.

Take her to GP to help fight the attendance people.

[MrsHankSchrader]

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

If she’s ND, despite what the school and other people say, she shouldn’t be forced in. She’s probably in burnout and needs to recover

l dont have any answers, my dd did this during yr 12. We’re currently fighting for an EHCP.

They have to provide education after 15 days ( non consecutive) absence. You may have to fight for it, but it’s enshrined in law.

Take her to GP to help fight the attendance people.

Thank you. We do not have the appointment for the ADHD follow up until the 28th December. She had the assessment in June but I know that services are stretched.

I have telephoned them today to see if there's anything they can do.

[NeedToChangeName]

My friend's daughter ended up staying on school register but learning from home. Little or no support from school, but she enrolled in an online learning programme and managed to sit a couple of exams

[DogDaysAreOverr]

Not Fine In School is a fb forum that (sadly) has thousands and thousands of similar situations...and helpful tips and advice

[ArseInTheCoOpWindow]

I find Nor Fine in School really unhelpful. It’s full of people slagging off schools and teachers.

[squeekychicken]

I'm sorry to hear your dd is struggling. I can imagine how difficult that is for you all.
In terms of assessment, when you speak to them tell them that you're willing to accept a cancellation at very short notice as she is refusing school.

A diagnosis isn't a magic wand though and adhd medication may not help with the symptoms she is experiencing (anxiety) and medications can make it worse. It sounds like her difficulties atm are more around the social side. Is she being assessed only for adhd or more a wider neurodevelopmental disorder?

[lifeturnsonadime]

I've had 2 refusers both Neurodiverse but not undiagnosed at the point that they couldn't go to school.

Tips -

1. Don't force her, she can't do it and forcing can cause trauma.
2. Go see GP - get this recorded in her medical records. Ask for mental health referrals and ask for support in getting her assessment for ADHD sped up. Explain that this is a crucial time in her education but her mental health must come first.
3. Ask school to support you with an EHC Needs Assessment, if they won't do it then make a parental request - https://www.ipsea.org.uk/faqs/ehc-needs-assessment-quick-guide is useful and has a model letter.
4. Speak to your daughter about what kind of education she might be able to access, could she work from home? Internet school? Home tuition? As @ArseInTheCoOpWindow says there is a legal duty under s. 19 Education Act to put in alternative provision after 15 days. Given your daughters age, if she thinks she can access something to keep in line with her GCSE age then that's worth asking for.
5. Local colleges often offer Maths and English for children who are home ed or out of school above the age of 14.
6. You are not a failure and education can happen at any time. If she is too unwell to do GCSEs next year then they can wait.

[BlurpBlorp]

Ah OP I couldn't not post as am in a similar situation with my daughter (Year 8) who is on the waiting list for an autism assessment. It's just so super hard and you've done the right thing in taking some time off work. It occurred to me yesterday after she'd had a meltdown and refused to go to school, that I assume that once she's fine, I'm fine but often I'm really not! I think burnout just happens and no doubt for your daughter after what she's been through poor love. On the whole it seems that once I let my daughter have a day off, she's happier to go in the next day. Could the school look at giving her a reduced timetable?

Apart from anything, the run up to Christmas can be quite overwhelming so don't beat yourself up and take a day at a time. And know that you are NOT a failure, you're witnessing your daughter's growth in all it's good and bad bits. But she is her own person. As long as you're sure you've loved her and done your best then that's good enough. And although it's a mixed blessing, she feels able to let off steam with you because you're her safe space. Big love to you both xx

[ExtraOnions]

My daughter had EBSA, missed all of Y10 & Y11.. and didn’t go to college straight away. She’s gone a year later and now has 100% attendance this first term.

She was diagnosed with ASD earlier this year, after being with CAMHS for a couple of years, and is now on Sertraline, which has been hugely helpful.

I also find “not ok in School” to be enormously helpful.

Things I wish I’d done differently…

Not got stressed and work up when she didn’t go in.. I do took so much emotion on my shoulders, it made me ill

Realised that it’s the job of other professionals to get her in school, my job was to be her mum, make her feel safe, and make sure she knew I was on her side

Took the pressure off with attendance, it turned the whole thing adversarial .. protecting her mental health was 100x more important than being in school

Realised that GCSEs aren’t the “be all and end all” .. you can progress your education at any age - High School is not for everyone

Work with what she could do .. even if they are really small steps.

Let go of my expectations of what high school “should” be like.

Kept communication lines open

We had some really rocky times, but now, and 17 she’s doing a BTEC L3 in a subject she loves … for the first time in years she had real-life friends, she’s getting more independent. Helped, as mentioned, by Sertraline .. and weekly talking therapy.

Please remember, you aren’t on your isn with this.. there are 1000s of us

[ArseInTheCoOpWindow]

You know, l read these threads and rage for our children.

Most school refusers are ND (often undiagnosed) and there is a constant battle from schools/parents/attendance officers to force them back to school.

But what should happen if they are struggling us they should be allowed to go to a more suitable school. But there isn’t any. And yet so many kids refuse mainstream. And it’s a clear message that they aren’t coping.

But it’s constantly overridden or ignored. Like they have to go even though they can’t. It’s honestly like abuse. It’s a disgusting state of affairs.

lf a child got go to school, there is clearly a problem. Where’s the safety net for them?

[BibbleandSqwauk]

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow completely agree. There is so much misunderstanding out there who assume that kids are just skiving. Loads of advice to force them in (how?) or take tech away and make home miserable and cold so they'll go in out of preference. Total lack of empathy. We've come a long way from kinds bunking off to hang out with mates at the park or shops and frankly, if we assume kids are bunking off because school is boring then we are already acknowledging there is something wrong with school (i'm a teacher by the way, huge fan of schools and and education) but the huge comps and exam and target driven systems we now have are hopeless. I've ahd to struggle to find private ASD assessments and private school as these are the places my DC can cope. It shouldn;t be that difficult for children and adults to access what they need.

[Grimbelina]

lifeturnsonadime great post. OP I would follow this advice. Do not force her to go in.

[Sohardithurts]

I think like others have said it’s really important to recognise and let her know you understand that she isn’t being naughty she’s showing you her distress

After what she went through at her last school I’m not at all surprised she feels vulnerable to be alone at lunchtimes etc.

Acknowledge what she’s feeling and tell her well done for telling you how she feels.

Negotiate with her what she needs and what she could manage eg have extra sleep but then do some work from a book or watch a you tube history channel etc. or if even that’s too much then just make small goals like getting dressed or washing hair or coming downstairs for meals.

Is her friend still off school? She might be able to go back in when they do and then you can think about finding her some regular therapy long term to help her manage her emotions and anxiety and fears.
But it might be this has unearthed her deeper anxieties and she needs to remain off school for longer.

If she has ADHD there is a big crossover with ASD and she may be really struggling with the overwhelm of holding if all together at school with the people and noise and constant fear of bullying again. Hopefully they can explore this or direct you to other services at her follow up appointment. Is she under CAMHS?

Shes been through so much but she needs you to be on her side not push against her. Her education will still be there in the future what matters more than anything is her mental health.

[Sohardithurts]

And if you are saying the stress of all this means you can’t go to work well that’s how she’s feeling. We accept adults have periods of stress and anxiety that make work impossible so why can’t we accept children do too?

[Menapausemum1974]

@MrsHankSchrader

I have a 15 year old DD. She suffers with anxiety and panic attacks and we have sought counselling for this and she is also undergoing assessment for ADHD with a follow up at the end of the year.

In Year 8 she experienced an ostracising from her friendship group at school. It went on for a very long time and resulted in her having not one single friend. The school and the police were involved however the insults and social media posts etc never stopped so in the end we moved her high schools. She started a new school a year ago in Year 9.

She is now in Year 10 at High School, a very important time in her life, however she is now again refusing to go, refusing to get out of bed, refusing to get dressed etc. Said she hates school. School has visited home to see her and we've gotten to the bottom of the reason why and it's because the girl who she is friends with is off poorly this week. She feels she does not have the confidence to speak to other people or have lunch and breaks with them.

We have tried to put solutions in place where she can go eat with her head of year which have been refused because she will get called names for this.

She has this heavy reliance on one friend to be able to go to school. It's a really important time with her mocks coming up.

Every week it's something and sometimes when I'm at work she rings crying saying she cannot go because she's anxious.

This morning she point blank refused to get dressed and just got back into bed saying she isn't going.

I am now off work with her as this is making me feel mentally drained and I just do not know what to do.

I am in constant contact with the school and have telephone the NHS support services she is under to see if we can bring this appointment forward for some further help. I also phoned her GP last night.

I'm worried sick about her mental health and her education.

Does anyone have any experience?

Thanks for reading. I feel like a failure of a mother.

@MrsHankSchrader I absolutely know where you are coming from , been there got the T-shirt. My eldest ( both kids ADHD) would walk into school then straight out the back and go home! We got him into college just before ages 15 which he tolerated a bit better. He’s now 25 with an Admin diploma and was just promoted yesterday in the NHS.
youngest is 14 ( undiagnosed long waiting list) is doing exactly the same thing although he’s a bit gobbier and will argue back before he walks out! 🙈 fun and games, he will be starting college one day a week and hopefully an apprenticeship next year! Try not to give up and think her future is only determined on this part of your life. I got no qualifications ( not recommending this) left school at 15 and worked the usual jobs. Gave my head a wobble at 24 once had my eldest son and went to college then uni. I am a Managing Director of a charity now. It’s obviously easier if kids engage when they should but don’t panic there is still plenty of time for her to turn this around ❤️