Mixed sleepovers for 12/13 yrs olds

[DesperateDad]

Where do you begin.. our daughter will be 13 in a few weeks and wants to have (and go to) mixed sleepovers.

Although we would rather not.. hosting one is less of a problem for obvious reasons.

Because our daughter has to travel to the local town for school (where there are at least 4 or 5 other schools) she is meeting many children who we know nothing about. We only just found out about a boyfriend (of 8 weeks) who is having a birthday sleepover. Not knowing him or his family makes us enclined to decline.

We dont want to be control freaks but think if we let go now it sets a precedent for later.

It doesnt help that the boys all seem to look like chavs... and of course the last thing you want to do is offend someone other parents by saying she cant go.

This is very new ground for us and we're not coping very well at present. We'd be interested to know what other parents feel who are (or have been) in the same position.

[tangomum]

my 14 year old has been to mixed sleepovers for the last year. Personally i am more worried about alcohol than sex. I always phone up to check that the parents will be there and to find out about sleeping arrangements. It seems to me that they are much better at having mixed friendships than we were and i am confident that very little goes on. I an lucky that ds talks to me and i have questioned him about his peers attitude to sex. With 1 or 2 exceptions none of them are sexually active. I like my son's friends. Encourage your daughter to have her friends around more often so that you can judge how they relate to each other. The mixed sleepover we had here was very tame. Probably because I kept the numbers down and put my foot down about alcohol. Eventually you just have to go on gut instinct. Perhaps you could start by letting her go to someone who's parents you know and trust.

[pinotgrigio]

I'd let 13 year old DSS go to a mixed sleepover. Actually, prob not, the girls would eat him alive and teach him things he's too sweet to know about. DD, no way, no chance, not ever if I have my way. .

[AEROBICS]

my 14 year old dd and 16 yr old ds have gone to so many sleepovers i lose count. my dd went to a mixed sleepover and did convince me that she was just friends with the host. that was last summer. all was ok. wasnt that happy bout it at the time, but sometimes with teenagers you just have to give in in the end to escape the endless demands and nagging from them and just pray and hope for the best. i feel you cannot tie them down with a ball and chain.

[kernowcat]

I was going to post about this subject as my 11yr old DS has come home asking for a mixed sleepover. My reply, you can have friends to stay but the girls have to go home at 11pm. Hes gone out now with his mates and I'm the meanest mum in the world!
Oh well you've all made me feel much better thanks.

[fostermum]

thats very true some time its better to fight the devil you know then the devil you dont.i also got up to things my parents couldnt even guess at,when supposed to be some where else.id rather have them under my roof and patrol the rooms like a prison warder and know what was or more to the point wasnt going on,

[hercyulelog]

When I hear what kids this age get up to with and without their parents knowing it makes me never want to let my kids out of the house.
Mixed sleepovers - a big NO NO!

At that age I was telling my parents I was staying at friends house, she told her parents she was at mine too. We had great fun doing things we shouldnt as both parents thought they knew where we were. We were actually miles away.

We were seen to be really good and trustworthy as well.
To be honest we just wanted the freedom and didnt do anything awful although awful things could have happened to us.

[fostermum]

been down this road myself,tried it,slept little!my kids where ok but others where sneaking around time after time in the end i slept in the same room as the girls,who i might add where WORSE then the boys by far,and i didnt want any ones mother banging on the door saying my daughter got pregnant while in your care

[mumeeee]

No I wouldn't allow it. I have 3 girls aged 12, 15 and 17 and they have never been to sleepovers but never a mixed one. In fact they have never asked I think its just not done around here

[StNickschik]

Oh dear, you are going to be BigBadDad for a while then! - but don't feel too guilty and try to make it up to her too quickly as she will suss you out and will lose respect for you. What a minefield and an issue I'm not looking forward to dealing with myself in 10 years time but IMO you did the right thing! If my dh has his way our dd will probably never leave the house and if she does she will have a tracker device strapped to her leg!!! Hopefully only joking!!! Credit to your dd for actually telling you though - shows you're doing something right!!! Are you able to meet any of the parents of her new friends and sound then out at all? would the party have been supervised and what were the ground rules?
I agree with your point about the age thing - when is the right age for a mixed sleepover? Personally at that age I wouldn't have wanted the boys around anyway - things were much more fun with the girls. OK that changed later (and I am now nearly 40!) but still ...! The older they are and the more puberty kicks in the more you would and should worry about the potential for something happening. Peer pressure at that age is a very dangerous thing - we must all remember how it was?
All I can say is good luck and don your bullet proof vest and helmet until the flak dies down!
Somebody once told me that you're not supposed to be friends with your kids - they look to you for guidance and support and need a certain amount of boundaries and rules - otherwise how can they learn what's right and wrong if they have no examples. Don't know if this is total crap as our dd is still only a toddler!

[Berchta]

HMB well put!

[Berchta]

i get that line a lot - "well everyone else is allowed to play out after its dark" or whatever. i always reply with " well i love you more than thier mums do"

[happymerryberries]

Tell her life is unfair and she may as well learn it now as later

The 'everyone line is, I am convinced, a load of toffee, usless your dd's friends are all the product of hippie love children! And I am sure that they are not! Remember we are not our children's friends we are much more important than that.

[DesperateDad]

Oh well... the "no" message was delivered this morning and WWIII ensued.

It would seem that "everyone elses parents said yes" Although I suspect every other set of parents is getting the same "everyone else says its OK" bombardment. Probably the same people who let their 8yr olds play 18cert playstation games!!

Thanks for the all feedback.

[tigermoth]

How about this? say your dd can go on girls only sleepovers as long as you know the parents of the host and as long as you or your partner can ppersonally drop her off and pick her up. I don't know if she would want to use public transport to get to and from the party by herself, but say this is a no no. Tell your dd you will also phone up the host's parents to have a quick chat about arrangements, (and find out if it really is a single sex gathering) and also ask what time everyone is arriving.

Whatever time that is, say sorry, your dd will have to arrive later than that - you can't drop her off any earlier. When you do drop your daughter off (an hour or so after the start of the sleepover), hopefully the party will be in full swing. You could linger chatting to the host's parents for a minute while you discreetly check out the other guests.

Don't know if this is workable but that's what I'd do if possible.

I think it's a good idea to host some girls sleepovers at your house, as then you will get to know your dd's female friends better and have a clearer idea if they are all ok and trustworthy in groups.

[Gobbledigoose]

A resounding 'no chance' from me!

[happymerryberries]

I would say no. I'm sure that you dd is wonderful and I'm sure most of her friends are too, but it only takes the odd one to make things change! Most of the kids I teach of that age are fine, but there are some that I wouldn't trust as far as I can throw an anvil!

[mikeyjon]

it'd be a definate no from me. your daughter is trustworthy etc but as you say you don't know many of the others. you'll probably be the bad guy for a while but only because you care. i was never allowed to have boys stay over or even to go upstairs. i was also not allowed to stay at any lads houses - i was still in bed by 8.30 too!

although, at least your daughter has told you that its a mixed sleep over - good for her.

somebody said about having a party and staying up later. that sounds like a good idea

[Christmassbee]

WEll I used to go to mixed sleepovers from 14 and yes there was a fair amount of snogging but that really was it!

Certainly if I didn't know them then it would be a def no from me too. Again as Janh suggested though a mixed gathering then girls staying over sounds a great compromise.

[cranberryjampot]

My dd is 11.5 and there is no way I would allow her to host or go to a mixed sleepover. I think if she asked me she would be relieved that i would say no.

[turquey]

No way would I let her go to one. I might consider hosting one, just to see what actually goes on, but quite honestly can't see why they need them? Girlie sleepovers are one thing, this just sounds slobby and unneccessary, if it's really as innocent as they say.
I agree with Jools, they often are quite relieved to have the pressure taken off them by being able to say "Mum and dad won't let me".

[JoolsTide]

if you WANT to say 'no' say 'no' you are the guiding hand not Mr Popular (although I'm sure you are ).

Kids are sometimes quite secretly relieved when parents say 'no' to them (or so I'm told ). I'm not saying this is the case here but sometimes they feel peer pressure to do things and when they can confidently say 'mum and dad won't allow it' it takes the pressure of them.

[Berchta]

no. never. you may trust your daughter implicitly however they do act differently around their peers, if her peers are all playing a dodgy game of "truth dare kiss command or promise" then she would have to be very strong willed not to participate and therefore unwittingly get herself into a situation that she wouldn't usually.

[dawniejinglebellbop1]

Unfortunately I would say No Way! My neighbours daughter from across the road is 11 years old and she spends a lot of time here coz she loves my dd and she chats away to me and some of the things she says really bothers me. She plays 'Spin the Bottle' and has done some very sexual things as part of the game . Unfortunately some of them are experimenting with very adult games at that age

[JanH]

Some 12-13 yr olds are much older than others...I helped out at a friend's daughter's 13th birthday party once (9 years ago in fact, so it's not new) and was quite astonished at how tall and advanced many of them were. The party was in a village hall, so they all went home afterwards, but some slow dancing (lights off) went on amongst some of them and I think there was a certain amount of creeping outside for a snog.

Your judgment will be much sounder than hers!

[DesperateDad]

One thing we must point out... we're talking sleepovers here.... not sleeping together.

Usually this amounts to staying up late, watching tv and falling asleep in a heap on chairs, floor etc.

If she ever asked for a B/F to sleep in her bed(or vice versa) that would be a no at any age!!!