Hi - have had a hard time over the last 4 years with my now 18 year old DD. I would love to be able to say something positive about her but I’m really struggling. I could talk for ages about her behaviour over this time, but my question is when to start showing tough love?
For example, she did well in her AS levels last year (A grades) when we were mostly in lockdown and was set for a decent university this year, except that she isn’t working for it. She lowered her university sights to ‘give her less stress this year’ and now she is likely to scrape passes so she wants to go and do a foundation year, again to take the pressure off herself. But it’s not just academic work - she stays out all night, gets verbally abusive (calls me vindictive), demands money from me, threatens suicide if she doesn’t get her own way, and seems incapable of looking after her self - won’t eat our food, won’t cook herself anything, shouts at us for not buying what she ‘likes’, doesn’t brush teeth, sleeps in clothes, goes out in her pyjamas. She has taken her driving test four times and failed because she couldn’t be bothered to organise lesson (even though we’d paid for them in advance) and blames me for not paying for continuous tests until she passes! She also got the sack from her part time job because if a bad attitude.
We’re trying to access medical and psychological help where we can but it’s hard as she’s 18 and has to make those decisions for herself. She clearly needs help and a lot of kids are struggling after the past couple of years.
Having rational conversations to reinforce expectations and boundaries doesn’t help as she won’t engage. However, she’s also very manipulative so even when you think you’ve made a little progress, she’s just ‘used’ us for something she wants.
But do we pay for university even though she’s been so lazy this year? Or do we just kick her out to fend for herself because she needs to learn and us so unpleasant to us? Or should we be trying to keep her at home despite the challenges, because she’s clearly not fit for adult life yet?
Sorry about the ramble - there’s no easy answers but just interested in what people think.
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When to show tough love?
16 replies
Sandydune · 28/05/2022 21:54
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