End of tether with my disruptive year 8 DS

[Remmy123]

I'm become a prolific poster on this board as I have entered the teen territory 😬

my son has consistent low-level behaviour at since since year 7. I get calls from school / bad notes in the diary/ emails / detentions.

i have had meetings with year head who has had a chat to my son and trying to help him. I give my son sanctions and bans from PC for detentions and bad notes (I wasn't doing that before) but it's not working. I give praise when he gets good notes.

i am finding it hard I am so worried he is going to mess up his education.

what more can I really do!!!

do I give extended ban on his PC as usually it's just for the evening.

i feel totally lost in all this.

any wise words welcome.

thanks

[BlackeyedSusan]

Meet with senco and /or
Meet with head of year/house or head of inclusion to get a support plan written.

Wait until next year when he has matured a bit and decides to work.

[Legrandsophie]

Be consistent and keep telling him what is right and wrong. Teenage brains are good at tuning us out so it takes ages to hammer home what is expected of them. Year 8 is especially tricky because they are starting to have those big hormone surges and they don’t really know how to react sometimes.

Remember that teenagers, like toddlers, are very in the moment and the ones that really struggle with hormones find it very tricky to see outside what is happening that minute, especially in front of peers.

I like to get them to talk through their decision making process to make them see that there were lots of important elements they hadn’t considered- other people, consequences etc.

Good Luck!

[whataloadabullocks]

Does he give a reason for being disruptive? Is he bored? Does he find it hard to concentrate? What does he want out of life? Does he have any ambition? What really gets him enthused? What are his strengths? Does he do anything sporty or have any interests outside of school? Is he afraid of failure so plays the fool? What's his confidence like? I mean he could just be an arse but normally there is a reason for disruptive behaviour, the difficulty is digging for the cause, as many tweens and teens find it hard to articulate why they do what they do.

[Remmy123]

Thanks all

he finds really boring but clearly that is no excuse.

he has given up football and currently has no hobbies and I cannot get him to do any

he loves his PC!!

[Remmy123]

... he is very confident!

[titchy]

Then use the pc as a reward rather than a punishment. Instead of punishing him by removing it for an evening, reward him by letting him on it in the evening as long as he has positive behaviour notes.

[Blanketpolicy]

What does he love about his PC? Can you get him into a hobby he could potentially see a career to aspire to? Local coding, graphics clubs etc then look at the education route to get there and make him see that he needs his GCSEs to get access to options.

Also explain to him you can't make him appreciate the privilege he has of an education, you can't make him participate in school, only support him if he wants to, and at the end of the day it is him not you that will need to deal with the consequences of the decisions he makes, falling behind, doors shutting and not being able to afford a reasonable lifestyle as an adult.

Try to find out why he is acting up in school. Being bored is the result not the reason, no one finds every single subject in school boring for no reason.

[cansu]

You are wasting your time by joining the group of people chatting to him and encouraging him to tell you why he is misbehaving. The answer is often because he can and it is easier and will make him more popular with a certain crowd than getting on with his work.

You are right that he will not do well. Year 8 is early to be pissing about.

Yes I would continue sanctions. I would not just take the pc. I would turn off all his mobile data and access to WiFi for the night. I would also be regretful but slightly disinterested. You should not get involved in long drawn out rows and conversations. This is not a kid who has just started to go off the rails. You say he has been doing doing this for two years now.

Have you considered changing his school? He won't like this but it will give him a chance to start afresh.

[aramox1]

Mine was like this. All through y7 and 8. It was so wearing. In retrospect he says he needed to understand the implications and the plan for adult life- once he thought about qualifications, gcse choices, how to get a decent job, hard work became more doable. Worth trying to find out if something like adhd/ needs glasses/ dyslexia is obstructing his learning, though in our case, I think it was more boredom at the sheer tedium of school routine.

[sleepyduvetcat]

Can the school look at a positive report for him?

Speak to the SENCO and say that you’re concerned and ask if they have any suggestions. Does he need movement breaks in lessons for example? Or do you need to pursue a diagnosis to help access support.

is he having trouble accessing the work? Is his reading age low compared to the work they’re giving him? He might need some adjustments.

When does he pick his GCSE’s? I find lots of boys settle down when they drop some subjects that they just have no interest in.

I hope things get better for you both OP.

[Remmy123]

Thanks for responses sorry I haven't noticed there was more helpful replies!

Ability wise he is very capable he just finds it very boring and tedious. He just 'can't be bothered'

He is desperate to go to the school at the end of our road (no where near as good as the one we have sent him too) he finds the train journey difficult but he is with all his mates from primary.

i am holding our for hope that things improve once he takes options.

i am dreading school tomorrow and so is he .
yes school have thought of doing a positive report but I just can't see anything working it's like he really doesn't care!

[mamaduckbone]

I don't have any wise words but my ds was similar in year 8. He's now taking his GCSE's and predicted 7s, 8s and 9s. He's pretty much a model student (although even now he talks too much)

For him, it was a combination of finding some classes too easy, some pointless (this improved when he chose his options and could drop subjects he saw no point in) and actually, being put on report by the school was a real help for him as he could see daily when he had a good day and when he didn't. Perhaps this is a route you ds's school might take. We also came down very hard on him when he was put on report, to the extent of refusing to take him to football training and matches. It shocked him a bit to realise that these things that he enjoyed were not his god given right.

Ds2 is now in year 8, and having a whole host of problems of his own. It's a bloody awful year.

[Remmy123]

@mamaduckbone

glad your older son did well, I like these positive stories!

soery to hear about your year 8 - some of my friends sons year 8 arnt happy, I am wondering if it's to do with lockdown in year 6 and most of 7, it can't have helped!

my son's first day back to school today and he faked feeling sick 😬

[PineappleWilson]

What's so bad about the school at the end of the road? If he's at the stage of faking illness, and he's got another 3 years to go, I'd be looking at other schools as well tbh. The current set up obviously isn't working for you / your DS / the school.

I have a Year 8 DS too. He does go to hobbies, with his father - is there anyone in your family who could go to activities alongside him, not just to drop him off. Go for a bike ride with him etc.? He needs someone to listen to him and point out the flaws in his argument. This may well not be you; maybe a family friend, grandparent? Take him on a car drive somewhere and see what he tells you along the way.

If the PC ban isn't working, go the other way. He has no routine IT access but gets it on a nightly basis when he can show that he's got his work all done. Have you spoken to his head of year to see if there are clubs or activties they can direct him towards, so he gets a wider pool of friends.

[cestlavielife]

@Remmy123

Thanks all

he finds really boring but clearly that is no excuse.

he has given up football and currently has no hobbies and I cannot get him to do any

he loves his PC!!

He goes back to football or something else like martial arts , volunteering, coding club even

[cestlavielife]

Change school.
Maybe his mates are the issue

[mamaduckbone]

@Remmy123

@mamaduckbone

glad your older son did well, I like these positive stories!

soery to hear about your year 8 - some of my friends sons year 8 arnt happy, I am wondering if it's to do with lockdown in year 6 and most of 7, it can't have helped!

my son's first day back to school today and he faked feeling sick 😬

I definitely agree that lockdown has had a huge impact - ds2 and his peer group seem to be a bit developmentally delayed, especially socially. They are so much more immature than ds1 was at the same age. Friends who are secondary teachers agree.

[FacebookPhotos]

Lockdown hasn't helped, but tbh end of year 8 through to the middle of year 10 are difficult for lots of kids. There's a reason no teacher wants a year 9 class for the last lesson of the day!

A report can really help some students. At my school we recommend trying it for two weeks to see if it helps. In some cases we've identified clear patterns - eg struggles just after lunch and break so needs a 5 min "calm down" time before lessons.

He may not have "faked" feeling sick in the sense of deliberately lying. Lots of kids struggle with complex emotions during puberty and "feeling sick" can often mean feeling worried about something. First day back it would be perfectly normal to be quite nervous about being back in school, particularly if he isn't enjoying school atm.

[Remmy123]

Thanks again all

he felt sick again this morning and I told him it's just school apprehension

he is a very confident boy who does t worry so this is a surprise to me

i can't get him back to do football we have tried. He won't go on a bike ride with us, we tried, school clubs he isn't interested as rather just 'get out of there'

school he is at is better than local private schools

school at the end of the road hasn't got a great reputation although it's improving. Its also much attractive looking school as very new, so I can see the attraction there.

if I changed him we cannot change back as irs over subscribed people are desperate to get thre kids there, I just don't know.

thanks