Literally no relationship with 18 year old DD and it's killing me.

[Diemme]

I'm desperate to improve my relationship with DD1. We were very close when she was a child. Then at around 14 she started the typical teenage attitude of only being interested in hanging around with her friends and having no interest in me or anyone else in the family. I thought it would be a short phase but it's got worse and worse. She's 18 now and still only talks to me when she wants something. If I try and start a conversation she grunts a one word answer and goes back to looking at her phone. And now I've lost confidence in my ability to communicate with her because I know I'll get nothing back. When I'm giving her a lift or something we sit practically silence. I just don't know her, she's a complete stranger to me. It's killing me. Has anyone been through this and come out the other side?

[MrDarcysMa]

I would actually tell her in no uncertain terms op to stop being so fucking rude and grow up. It's not just a 'teenage' thing, it's disrespectful and verging on abuse/ bullying.

No more lifts if she spends the whole journey being rude.

Would she treat teachers/ colleagues/ friends/ other family members like this?

[BackInTime]

I kind of get this from DD who was amazing company during lockdown but now seems to have become fed up and intolerant of us as a family. She says we are all really annoying and even the smallest conversation over dinner results eye rolls.

[SnuggyBuggy]

I think you two need some distance. When she's had to live away and do some things for herself she might start to show some appreciation for you.

[ShinyRuby]

Oh no, just ignoring her sister's birthday would have led to some stern warnings from me.
Teenager/adult whatever, she's treating you all with absolute disdain. I bet she's as lively as anything with her friends & it sounds like she's doing well at work. Everyone is getting the good side of her- except you.
Get a bit angry, insist on basic manners & courtesy at home. If it's that difficult for her then she can start to see how far her wages would go in a place of her own. Charge board if you don't already (even if you just save it for her), no lifts while she sits there treating you like dirt. You're her mum not some servant.
I've got my own teen dds & we have our moments but remind her regularly that you deserve respect & make sure her dad backs you up on it.
The alternative is years of disrespect to come & you being scared of your own daughter. Not good.

[Diemme]

I do think she struggles struggles to find her place in the family. Chatting to me comes very naturally to my younger one, we just talk and laugh and bounce off each other very easily. She's very similar to how I was at that age. I do want to find the right combination of calling her put on her rudeness and understanding where it's coming from.

[IDidntChoseThePondLife]

In that case @Diemme, maybe keep complimenting her on what does come easy to her, just so she knows she’s appreciated the way she is?

[Mummyshark2018]

If she struggles to verbally communicate, are there activities you could suggest that would reduce that pressure so that both of you can start to just feel more comfortable around each other- horse riding, biking, cinema etc.

It sounds like she's got herself into a bit if a rut and if she sees her younger sister having a lovely relationship with you perhaps she feels a bit lost. Is she like this with everyone?

[Sawyersfishbiscuits]

I haven't read the whole thread as I'm in a hurry. Just wanted to say hang in there. DD1 has emerged from the teenage years and is now so lovely. It was hellish at times and I was sure we'd never ever have a relationship. She was an easy baby, a gregarious child and a god evil spiteful teenager, now she's a lovely kind adult. But she did do some awful things in the teenage years.
Bad news for me, DD2 has now taken on the challenge...