17yr old son wants to quit what I thought was his passion

[Sleeper341]

Hi,

I’m new here. Firstly, I don’t understand all the abbreviations that are used on here yet, so I won’t be using them lol.

So where do I start? I have a 17yr old son who has been a competitive swimmer since he was 12. He trains for up to 16hrs a week in the pool, plus going to the gym. He is fractions of seconds off achieving National competition qualifying times and has work so hard over the year to get to where he is today. But last night he broke down in tears and said that he doesn’t enjoy it like he used to and wants to quit. Im heart broken. As selfish as it sounds, I’ve put in as many hours as him, early morning training, late nights, hours of driving to and from competitions. Supporting him when he didn’t do as well as he’d hoped and celebrating with him when he did. I feel like a huge part of my life is being pulled out from beneath me. Basically my entire social life is based around his swimming (my friends are other swim parents as I’m with them 20hrs a week).

I know it’s his life, and his decision. But I also know that it could be the biggest regret of his life. I competed at a high level in Judo when I was his age and I quit over something stupid and it’s the biggest regret of my life. Plus I’ve seen friends of his leave swimming due to fear of missing out with friends outside of the pool but they ended up coming back, only to find that a couple of months out of training and their fitness levels have disappeared and they can no longer compete at the level they were at before so they leave again. He says he knows this and doesn’t feel he’s missing out on anything, he just wants to stop.

I guess I’m asking how I handle my emotions here, or if anyone has been through anything similar and can offer some words of advice on how I can either help him see that he’s giving up something that gives him direction and focus (he’s not really academic, swimming is where he excels). I worry he will have no direction if he stops and will end up regretting it.

Sorry for the long post, pretty sure it’s just my insecurities but any advice is appreciated. Thanks.

Hello Sleeper - I feel for you and your son, I am probably not too far off your position, though I don't have my own social side relying on when DD quits.

Like other posters have asked, do you know how long he has been feeling the way he has, that led to last night's admission of wanting to quit? Has he just come back from a hard camp and is tired or a bad meet?

I guess the other aspects of swimming other than the immense hard work an individual puts in is the run off that comes every year with swimmers moving on, either to higher ed or quitting for the reasons you've highlighted. As no one really understands a swimmer like another swimmer, do you know if there's been any change with his close swimmer friends, such as imminent leaving after exams, pulling back to study, squad issues etc etc.

But ultimately, it may just be the swimming. Being very close to one or two events only but still training like a dog (especially when mentally jaded as well as physically tired after hard mid season training) may now seem like an awful lot of effort to sit around in Sheffield/Glasgow or where ever (because, really, this can be seriously dull!), when that time could be spent in getting their life back.

The thing that keeps my DD still in is that she has seen swimmers leave and return (and fail worse, in their eyes, not mine), but it sounds like your sone has thought through that bit also.

Wishing him all the best, but for sure, it has not been wasted time. Swimming will have added so much value to him as a person, even though he may not see it all now. Sometimes it's just the right time, and we need to trust them in their own intuition, even if we feel they're wrong. Mistakes are also also great to learn from...

My dd was in a similar situation last year (same age). She was playing a sport at junior international level, but had lost her mojo over the course of the year, feeling it impacted her education too much and felt it was all pressure, and no enjoyment, so she made the decision to step away from the national team. It was a really difficult decision for her, which was probably made more difficult by her worrying about our and her coaches' reaction.

My dd managed to step down a bit, not training so much and compete at a lower level - that way keeping her toes in the water to buy herself time, should she want to try to make it upwards again. However, it has not been easy. Her leaving the national team caused a bit of a minor shit-storm with coaches sternly reminding her of the time and money that had been invested in her, which caused her to feel she should have just totally left. In hindsight I think she should possibly have taken at least 6 months out to have a complete rest, but she kept up training a couple of times a week, and now one year on, she is beginning to enjoy her sport again, which is the main thing. There is no point doing a sport if you don't enjoy it.

I think you have to remember that your son, will only be able to give it his all, if his heart is in it (and this is about him and his life only - even if it feels hard for you too. ....and remember you would, in any case, begin to take a backseat over the next couple of years, as he would begin to drive and not need you so much and possibly head of to uni soon) It is a really difficult time, trying to balance A-levels(or similar) and also simply growing up, with the demands of top-level sport.

If I were you, I would probably advise your son to try to step down to a less demanding level for a little while, to allow him some 'thinking room' in case this is a brief knee-jerk reaction and try not to close doors too firmly right now. My dd was ready to walk away completely, but is now glad she didn't. However, it is important that it is his decision, what happens. If he understands the likely consequences of stopping/having a break and still decides to step away, you have to let him do it. I think if you push him to do something he really doesn't want to do, you risk both his education, his well-being and your relationship at this age.

Sorry, this was a bit long and rambling. Hope it makes sense and good luck to your son, whatever he decides to do.

ooops, thread has moved on a bit since I started writing, lots of good advise there

I guess he's not really getting a life outside of swimming and school. Which must be tough, especially if he's not enjoying it. He only gets one chance to be 17yo and hang out with his mates, go to parties, etc. And maybe for him that's more important.

Thanks for all the replies, not sure how to answer each individually so I’ll cover some of the points raised by some of you.

When I say he is fractions of a second of national times, I mean national open times not age group, he’s actually still 16 but classed as 17 when it comes to swimming as he’ll be 17 this year. He is still achieving PB’s at meets, he was racing last weekend and seemed really pleased with his times.

So how long has it been that he’s not been enjoying it....good question, last night was the first time he’s talked about stopping (to me). Hence the shock to me, but I know it can’t have been easy for him to tell me, and it could have been brewing for a long time but he’s not said a word.

People who are saying “let him quit” - I’m not stopping him, if that’s what he wants. I just want him to be sure that’s what he wants and came here to ask advice. I don’t want him stopping to be a knee jerk reaction to something that’s happened in his life (not that anything has, well not that he’s sharing with me).

As for not having a life outside of school and swimming, that’s just not true. Yes he trains 16+ hrs a week but that is made up of morning sessions before school, and evening sessions. He still has time with “non swimming” friends at weekends when he’s not competing and on the couple of nights a week he doesn’t train late. Ok most kids get more than a couple of evenings a week to meet up etc but in reality what are those older teenage kids doing with that time? TV, Social media, gaming, aimlessly hanging out in the street/park/shopping centre.

He already works as a swim teacher, and is a qualified pool lifeguard and has just spent the last week doing his beach lifeguard qualifications so that he can work for the RNLI lifeguards on the beach over the summer.

As for me, I know it’s my own fault my ‘social life’ is based around my sons swimming. But my life for the last 5 years has been wake up at 5, drive to pool, take son to school, go to work, come home, pick up son go back to pool. I even left a job I loved so that I could get him to and from training (as my wife, his mum, hates swimming so doesn’t get involved if at all possible, only taking him to training if I have had to be away or late home).

I really appreciate all the positive advice.

Having spoken with him about it tonight I’ve suggested he keeps training till the summer as he has 3 meets scheduled (and paid for) between now and mid July. So he’s agreed to keep training, get through those meets and see how he’s feeling then.

Even if he stops competitive swimming he can join the swimming club at uni. All very sociable I believe.

Teaching swimming and lifeguarding are also excellent jobs to have when at uni - flexible and pay well too.\

I think that’s fair, you’ve paid for the meets, he can pull back a bit if he wants I guess but he’s committed to them

My son was a competitive swimmer. He is 17 and stopped when he was 16. He is still connected to the club as he plays water polo - which he really enjoys. I would suggest you support him by simply letting him stop (now). I will always remember overhearing a conversation at a swim meet when one of the older boys was saying that he was still swimming because he didn't want to upset his Dad - that his Dad enjoyed it more than him. It's time to step back, show you are really listening and let him move on. Don't make him suffer those remaining summer meets.

I don't think there is a definitive answer that we as outsiders can call which is the right decision. Only the OP knows his son, and by the compromise to keep going a little longer and to review again sounds sensible and not forced, in spite of OP keeping in check his own projection and how he felt about judo etc. It would probably be the way a coach would also recommend, to see the season out in a closure type manner vs a premature halt that could result in the swimmer retrospectively kicking themselves (which they have seen many times). Have you/your son spoken with the coach to see what can be done to agree a short term strategy Sleeper?

Mine has admitted (reluctantly) many times on things she does that she's glad I didn't just accept her throwing the towel in at her times of despair, but ultimately it is always her choice, even if we agree to just to hang in there to see if things improve. They don't always, but she is around friends that say things like I wish my parents had supported me a little more on x,y and z and at things do then take a different turn on the stuff she does. I think children like ours do take on more guilt of quitting because they know how much all round investment has placed on them. Whilst the OP is being brutally honest about the loss of the sport for him, I do believe he is trying also to make the right call for his son.

What ever the outcome of the coming months Sleeper, I wish your boy all the best, and good luck on the coming meets...

I think this is very common at this age I know a 17 year old girl ranking in the top 10 swimmers in the country and higher for her event who has had enough of swimming. She is going to continue till her Uni applications are done, because really she has nothing else on her CV and this time next year jack it all in.
My DP was British boys and British junior cycling champion and had a professional contract to join a cycling team in Holland. He had his dreams destroyed by a car hitting him. He drifted for a year recovering and not really knowing what to do. He ultimately became an engineer and moved into motorsport. That same drive that won him British championships got him to the highest level in his new sport.
The ability to work hard and resilience he has developed in swimming will serve him well what ever he chooses to do.
If he likes physics and maths motorsport loves engineers who have been at the top of another sport.

He isn't you, OP.

When my daughter had a similar situation ( different sport) I set a deadline with her of 3 months or so. This was because she was finding a particular aspect difficult and could not master it. I wanted her to conquer it, then make the decision to quit when she felt happier about her sport. She mastered it, then probably went on another year. When she told me again she wanted to quit I said ok. When I told her I’d spoken to her coach she was devastated. Still says it is her biggest regret giving up, sigh. But my advice is set a deadline to review again so he knows there is an end but it will always be his decision.
Another tip, it took her a year and a half to find a replacement, she felt a bit lost without all the hours training. Try to line up something, maybe a gym membership to replace the physical work, esp as he is studying. He will still need his exercise for mental well-being after it being such a big part of his life. All the best.

I’ve had similar except with Rugby. Ds is already 17. Left school last summer and at college. At a college that he chose after winning a rugby scholarship for the rugby academy.
He’s played rugby for a team since he was at primary school and for county since he was old enough, spotted for a couple of teams etc and what seemed like overnight decided he doesn’t want to do it anymore.

He took up boxing about a year ago and seems to think that this is where his future lies. He is good at it but I don’t know I feel that at 17 you’ve probably passed thr age of taking up a sport and achieving a professional status.

It is difficult as a parent to stand back and let them give up something that has been a huge passion and something that they have worked so hard on, and that you’ve probably spent a lot of money on. But it’s their decision ultimately and we just have to try and support them.

Its so intense at this age, so many other things going on. My competitive swimmers stopped much sooner to focus on music which they've also let take a back seat whilst at Uni.

What you have to remember is whilst he will probably never be an Olympic swimmer. You have facilitated him with a skill for life. He has well paid part time jobs to see him through Uni and the skills he's gained from this will never leave him.

Maybe suggest he tries a different (less pressured for now) take on it, maybe triathlon. We need some young Brownlee's coming through.

The swimming is a red herring really. This is probably one of the biggest opportunities you’ll ever get to show your son that he can’t let you down by making his own choices.

I would let it go, but talk to him. Tell him you're worried he might regret it as you did. Generally though at that age other interests beckon. It maybe he just needs a break, at least from the amount he does, so perhaps he could do enough just to keep things ticking over.

Your story has reminded me so much of what happened to Katelyn Ohashi.

She’s a gymnast who was performing at the elite level but decided to go to college and step down to a lower level of competition. Katelyn did have some injury problems but there were emotional factors involved in her decision too. It had all become too intense and she ‘wanted to be a kid again’.

As Katelyn herself relates in the video, her mother was not exactly happy when Katelyn decided that she wasn’t going to try to compete at the highest level any longer. After all, Katelyn’s mother had put a lot of time and effort into enabling her daughter to compete.

However, once at college, Katelyn really began to thrive and became part of a close knit gymnastics team. She found a new joy in the sport. And Katelyn’s mother changed her mind because she could see how happy her daughter was.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=z9b1KAoYz9s

I don't think I've seen a more joyous sporting performance than this from Katelyn, with her college team mates joining in in the background:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ic7RNS4Dfo