AIBU to ground 14 nearly 15yr old ds

[bliey]

Just after some advice.
Apparently I'm treating him like a baby!
Ds 14, 15 in may told me he was going out with friends, fine he was only 15-20 mins away.
I found out he'd lied and actually gone to a shopping centre that's about an hour away, 2 tram rides and he would have to change trams in town centre at which on a Friday night will be full of drunken people!
I've told him before he's not to go to this shopping centre so late (6.30) spend a few hours there and get back at 10.40pm when he knows he as to be in at 10pm when he as no school.
Am I being unreasonable for grounding him due to lying and going to the shopping centre at night and coming home at 10.40?

[Mabelface]

Thanks, @sprouting. Learning to compromise worked really well with my 4 in their teen years. They knew that the more they told me and were honest, the more I was prepared to lengthen the leash, so to speak. I also told them that I trusted them, it was other people that I didn't and any boundaries I had in place were because I love them and wanted them to be safe. I also told them that if they were in a situation they were uncomfortable with, they could message and I'd call them and tell them they had to come home. That way, they could roll their eyes and pretend their unreasonable mother wanted them home.

[Sproutingcorm]

Stick to your guns op

[bliey]

*not stupid!

[bliey]

If the centre was say 20-30mins away and just 1 team ride home I wouldn't mind at all. As long as he was home for 10. Not 10.30-11pm. I feel I'm being generous letting him out till 10 on weekends, specially with the dark nights!
It's the fact he as to get 2 trams and home and stop in town centre and maybe wait 10-15mins for the next tram I don't like. Oh, and the lying about it!!

I've spoke with him earlier about he "dangers" his answer was.... well I'm stupid mum and nothings happened to me so why would it!!

Why do teenagers think they are invincible!!

[Sproutingcorm]

Just to clarify, I meant arcade, food outlets, cinema doesn't sound too bad. A lot better than drugs, drink, vandalising stuff for example! I wouldn't let my 15 yr old daughter out alone with friends in the centre of town late at night either! I think Mabelface's approach sounds good.

[anotherwearytraveller]

Blimey I must be super strict!
At 14 no way are they allowed to come in at 10.40 having been out in the dark in a major city centre cruising around malls.

Mine have all happily kept to the rules because I am clear and we discuss together why I’m worried and what they think about it then try and find a compromise.

I would def ground for lying. Lying about whereabouts is a real biggy to me. If I leave them home alone and go out for an evening I wouldn’t lie to the about where I am and not come back when I say I will. I expect the same respect in return

[Sproutingcorm]

Underneath all the tests = underneath all the protests!

[Mabelface]

I'd talk along the lines of if he proves you can trust him and comes home on time regularly for a specified amount of time, say a month, and is honest with you, you'll be more willing to look to compromise with him.

[TheyBuiltThePyramids]

I have a 14 nearly 15yo dd and I wouldn't let her out anywhere to "hang out" at that time of night and make her own way home. Maybe I am far too over protective! She is allowed to go to local shopping centre (20 mins away) during the day/after school on her own. She's allowed into city centre for bowling or shopping (again during the day) but only if she's with friends. If she goes to cinema in the evening, I would either pick her up or ask her to be dropped home.

[LakeIsle48]

I'm not sure about grounding him. Maybe agree a reasonable time for him to come home. Would 11pm work on the weekends and earlier during school.

Keeping communication lines open with teenagers is crucial. You don't want to start off a war that you can't come back from.

It's not easy so go easy on yourself.

[Sproutingcorm]

Ah that doesn't sound too bad then Bliey ! .

Hope it all works out for the best and good luck with new baby too! Underneath all the tests, I think 15 yr olds do actually appreciate us keeping tabs on them, even though that's not always evident!

[bliey]

I think the obsession with the shopping centre is that it has an arcade, cinema and food outlet. Think it's just some where for them to hang around out of the cold and dark.

[Sproutingcorm]

I'd have a serious discussion with him about this, getting the message through that liberty depends on trust and he's dented that! I personally think YANBU and would impose a "consequence". It's good that he usually keeps in touch though, and you need to keep the communication going,
you do need to know where he is. Explain that you don't want to stop him having fun with his friends but that you are anxious about his safety and you need to be able to trust him. Lying isn't on.

I'd also be worried about what he's doing in the shopping centre once the shops are closed and presumably they're too young for pubs...idle hands and all of that!

[ragged]

Since you're worried about muggers & dark nights, you don't want him leaving the mall alone. Sounds like you've found a good compromise.

[bliey]

He does come home with friends when he comes back at that time. He left earlier to be back for 10 it would mean him leaving alone, which I don't like the thought of either.
To be far when I've allowed him to go he does usually ring/text me to let him know he's in the tram and where he is then I usually pick him up from the tramstop which is around 10-15 mins away from our house.

I could pick him up at 10 but I'm 8 months pregnant and always in my pjs ready for bed at that time.
I suppose once or twice a week at weekends wouldn't hurt.

Thanks everyone for your advice

[NC4Now]

It’s just tricky if his friends are allowed out later. I agree with your timings, and I know Sheffield fairly well. But I would rather he came home with friends than came home alone.
If he gets in at 10.40 has he come back with friends? I’m guessing picking him up at 10 isn’t an option?

[MilkItTilITurnItIntoCheese]

I have a 14 year old. No way they'd be allowed out at that time of night no matter where. Absolutely ground him. Then talk to him about why you feel its not safe.

[bliey]

On a school night he's always in around 9pm and in bed for 10pm. This is on a Friday/Saturday he does this.

I wouldn't mind if he went straight from school on a Friday and was back home for 9-10pm or even in the day time on a Saturday/Sunday.

[merrybloominchristmas]

you're right
and apart from anything else, he should be in bed on a school night at 11pm

the thing is , if we let them do whatever they want at 14-what's to come as they get older?
Growing up is meant to come in increments -there should be something to look forward to about getting a bit older

[bliey]

No it's meadowhall.
They sometimes go to the cinema, for food or just to "hangout" meets girls I think.

I wouldn't mind if it was summertime and light nights and he was in the house for 10pm when he doesn't have school.

BUT the dark nights and all the stories you hear of muggings and stabbings in town centres really worried me!

[housewifeoflittleitaly]

Totally agree with you, as parents we need to stop bending to everyone else’s ideas of what’s ok & do what’s right for our own kids. I wouldn’t allow my child to do this either, she’s also 14.

[merrybloominchristmas]

is it the trafford centre? i ask because you mention trams....

[ragged]

How long are you grounding him for?
What doe they do at the shopping centre that makes it so attractive to be there?

[merrybloominchristmas]

you are NOT being unreasonable!
14 year olds should not be in a city centre alone at night! and as for out at 11pm, unattended on a school night?????


And before anyone asks-yes i do have teenagers, 15 and 18 and for me this would be a huge no