Lazy, disrespectful, depressed, pot smoking son. Time to move out?

[imaginative]

Firstly, my youngest son will be 22 in May so not a teenager. He has no motivation, is totally nocturnal, only bothered about smoking weed and seeing his mates. I'm a light sleeper and he keeps me awake all night wandering about, coughing, cooking chips, going in and out of the house to smoke. I suffer from depression and thyroid issues, am losing so much weight and feel so ill. The rows with my husband over our son have torn us apart and brought us close to divorce. I have been piggy in the middle trying to sugar coat the exchanges between them and protect my son and my husband from the other. It is utterly unbearable. Finally, I think I have come to realise that the answer may be to kick my son out. When he's away with friends, I can sleep at night, and get on so much better with my husband. We also have our older son at home who's doing a masters degree and he is so helpful, behaves beautifully. I am worried that if we tell our youngest to leave, he will be on the streets. He's had a couple of jobs but been sacked from them. He's on JSA and pays us £35 a week for his keep plus £6 for his part on the car insurance (we have paid for lots of lessons but he still won't take his test. The car is his as soon as he passes), but he resents paying this. WWYD?

[GoldfishGirl]

For a start you need a no drugs under your roof rule.

It's actually illegal to smoke weed in your property so he is making you break the law. What if the neighbours report it?

[Kingk1]

Hi
I've just come across this post and I'm in the same situation, my son is 18. Has just lost his warehouse job because he missed too many days. He has no friends just goes out one day a week to buy weed and locks himself in his bedroom playing video games. His bit of money he has earned will be gone soon and I won't be given him any. I'm am heart broken how he has turned out. I hve tried talking to him but he just tells u wat u want to hear constantly makes excuses for his behaviour and I feel like getting him his own place as the stress is slowly killing me. He cares about nothing and no 1. Wld appreciate advice, thank you.

[Cubase2112]

Hi Imaginetive

Any update about your 22 year old son

My wife and I are having the same problem with our joungest son but he is 17, got in with the wrong crowd and has made stupid choices, cannot get him to do anything and all he seems to live for is the weed

Very disappointed and really haven’t a clue what to do for the best hence I am on here to try and find any answers

Hoping things are better

[BarbarianMum]

shift for himself

[BarbarianMum]

Dont be so bloody stupid Trace. He might always be the OPs kud but that doesnt mean he doesnt have to grow up and zhict for himself like the rest if us. She can still provide him w love and moral support even if he's not living under her roof.

And yes it can, and often does, last "forever". Or at least until the parents die. Quite common in fact.

[Mckmck123]

Imaginative
I feel for u
My son s 28 and it sounds like my life
I went to family groups for a while and listened to all the sad story’s which in someways helped as. Didn’t feel so alone
Trying counselling now for myself as my son won’t go. Turns out I am an enabler
Good luck

[Tracetheface]

Wow, lots of judgey stuff going on here! Trouble is they are what they are. All this "I would do this and this if he was mine...". Well, he's not is he, he's hers. I've raised 4 of the little darlings myself and one of them was exactly like this. Of course you can't throw him out; warts and all, they're your kids. No amount of threats, removal of items, being nice blah blah blah all came to nothing until he decided to grow up. It's not great to hear, but it's a fact. So many of my friends have had this issue too. Try to grin and bear it, it doesn't last forever; some of them just take longer than others to get there. Stay strong!

[WankersHacksandThieves]

Where is he getting all the money for weed?

I am probably over indulgent with my own (younger) sons, but I think this is a case of having to be cruel to be kind.

[JustDanceAddict]

You can smoke pot & still be a functioning member of society and hold down a job, etc, but if he's smoking constantly it will and has affected his mood. Depression is a big side effect from weed smoking do I hope he can get help from the gp.

[specialsubject]

It is indeed.

No shame if he is unwell, but it is unfair on you not to accept help.

And if he won't give up the saddo sticks then he has only himself to blame if you throw him out.

[imaginative]

Finally got him into the house last night. He's stayed up all night in his room but is going to stay with friends again tonight so I guess his hours will be out of whack again. At least I have got him to agree to go to the GP on Monday. He just lacks all drive and motivation. I pointed out that being stoned does that to you. He says he hasn't had any for days but he refuses to give it up. His friends all have jobs, girlfriends and their own place. He has none of that. Yes, they smoke pot, but obviously they are still managing to function in the real world. I'm not sure what the doctor will be able to do, but it's a start...

[specialsubject]

Also try to catch him when he is reasonable and tell him that this can't go on. He needs to get a check up and to get away from his druggie friends. He can only be helped if willing to help himself, otherwise you may have to kick him out for your safety.

Forget the car, he will be a danger to himself and everyone else. And frying while stoned isn't genius either.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

That sounds like a plan OP.

[imaginative]

That's my worry, yes. I have an appointment at the GP on Monday and may change it for him to see GP.

[AmoIsNoLongerEmo]

Is he maybe going through something? Th that's exactly what I did went through a major depression and after just like that. So if this is relatively new he may need to see someone.

[imaginative]

My main worry is that he could be suicidal. He used to self harm and his brother said he has said things which concern him about not wanting to be alive. I did take him to the doctors but nothing came of it. He's an adult and I can't make him have treatment.

[imaginative]

Thanks. Yes he is. Sometimes the whole house smells of it. He doesn't smoke in the house but just walking in with it in his bag stinks the place out. :(

[imaginative]

As soon as he comes out of the annex I will go and get the key, lock it and hide the key, then he has to stay in the house. Just waiting for husband to get home to decide what to do next.

[imaginative]

TBH the car was more to release me from the unsustainable duty of driving him to and fro from his job. We live in the middle of nowhere so no buses. No footpath either.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

You're enabling him OP.

[imaginative]

He's only been on it for 6 weeks. He held down a job for two years before getting sacked from it. By the end the boss would come out and chat with me saying they were at their wits end with him. I drove him to and from his job which was a chef so unsocial hours (after 11 pm) despite having to get up at the crack of dawn in the morning for my own job. I then drove him backwards and forwards to his next job which only lasted 3 months before he was sacked. Now he's on JSA. Says he's applying for jobs, but he looks like a zombie so I don't think he has much hope of getting one.

[Iflyaway]

Oh, and take away the key to the annex, whatever that is.

[Iflyaway]

The car is his as soon as he passes

Stop that right there. Stop indulging him. That's giving him no incentive.

Cos he knows mummy and daddy will take care of him.

Some kids are great - as you mention, your other one - and some are lazy self-entitled twats. Just as people.

You have a couple of years to turn this around, unless you still want him like this in his 40's. And believe me, lots of men like that still living at home like an overgrown teenager. And then what when you are no longer around if they haven't learnt to take responsibility for themselves.

[imaginative]

I have told him many times that his behaviour is causing us marital problems and me so much stress. He doesn't get why. My husband had a really good chat with him last Saturday night. Got him to agree to go to his room by 11 pm and be up by 10 am and start helping around the house. But then he went to his mates for 4 nights and since then he came back and has been in bed. Still won't get up at almost 6pm! Has shut himself in the bedroom in the annex so we can't get in.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

I would use the phone as leverage . Pull your socks up or were cancelling the phone. I know he's 22 but he's acting like a teen so treat him like one. Not sure about booting him out,he could end up on the streets. Is he smoking weed at home?