Sad my DS is so selfish

[Pinkpillow]

My DS is in 1st year at uni, far from home. So, he has never been great at keeping in touch, but will usually reply to a text and we chat couple of times a week (it's always me who calls).
He went off on uni ski trip on the 6th Jan and we said the usual ' keep in touch'. More due to the fact that hundreds of mad teens skiing and partying all week, I wants to make sure he was ok. Anyway, he did let me know he arrived, and then nothing. He returned on Sunday the 15th and despite my 'are you back yet?, nothing.
I am a mixture of sad, angry and frustrated.
is it too much to ask for a bit of thought in terms of appreciation, contact and consideration?
We pay approx £100 pw for his rent and paid for his ski trip..... I know love isn't conditional on spending, but right now I feel used and totally unappreciated for what we do for him.
Any thoughts?

[Haffdonga]

Straight talking and clear explanation of your feelings to your ds recommended.

DS1 did this to me last year when he started uni. I was very hurt as we'd had a really good close (but not over dependent) relationship before. In the end when he came home one hols I had a proper shouting go at him with tears . He was horrified that he'd hurt me and really hadn't considered that I needed to hear from him as much as he had needed me.

[Sleepybunny]

Seriously? She's paying for his jollies, he is finiacially dependent on her and still a teenager presumably.

Surely to god a little message to say yep fine mum, had a blast, speak soon, wouldn't go amiss!?

I must be on glue or something.

[Blacksox]

I think he's out of order and I would be peeved too, OP. How much hardship would a quick text or phone call have been?

My ds is a first year too, but he does keep in touch. Not a huge amount but a couple of calls a week and several texts. He went away for a week with uni before the end of last term. He sent us a few photos during the week which was enough for me.

They can be really busy and having a marvellous time, but still give their parents a morsel of their time - it's just good manners, imo.

[lljkk]

Send a baffling or insulting text. Like

"[his best mate's name] messaged me to say you've been sniffing glue and you got a girl pregnant. Will you name my grand child after me?"

Sometimes going weird is the ONLY way to get a reply out of DD.

[ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam]

I think a clearer picture will come from more people posting about how their parents got on at them to keep in touch all the time, how it made them feel and if they resented it, now they're older they'll have more of a perspective on how they carried on. Also, I wonder parents like this towards their children when they first leave home, whether it carries on into adult life too.

[Pinkpillow]

I like the 'give a morsel of his time' quote... Sure he's busy having fun, and maybe even a bit of study, but I'm not expecting a full run-through of his life....

[Postagestamppat]

I can see this from both sides. He is young and growing up, but like others say a quick text saying I'm fine isn't hard. It sounds to be me like he got himself a girlfriend. Many men disappear and lose touch with friends/family during the honeymoon period.

[Ragwort]

It is interesting how so many people are prepared to make 'excuses' for teenagers/young adults, yet if our spouse or a close friend treated us like this we would be told it was unacceptable.

Saying something like 'all teenagers are the same' is just as pathetic as the old comment 'all men are like that' for not doing housework etc etc.

Some people are just inconsiderate (yes, i have an inconsiderate teenager myself and it is a disappointment).

[Doilooklikeatourist]

I usually text
Are you alive ?
That gets a response
Although DS (21) is on find my friends on my phone ( and I'm on his )
DD (19) is a bit more secretive
I hear from them a couple of times a week

[Crumbs1]

Hear from most of ours most days except when first son is deployed. He can go silent for weeks in slightly worrying circumstances. Uni daughter does sporadic texts and calls that fitbaround social life. I think we have to be grateful they are settled and happy and making a success of their new adult life.

[BackforGood]

It is interesting how so many people are prepared to make 'excuses' for teenagers/young adults, yet if our spouse or a close friend treated us like this we would be told it was unacceptable

Well, no actually. When dh is away, I don't expect him to be texting / calling either, and nor would I be messaging him if I go away.

[Ragwort]

Back - of course I wouldn't expect my DH to text endlessly or call when he was away but if he is going away on business or holiday (for example) I would expect a quick text saying 'arrived safely'. I am away tonight and out of courtesey I will send my DH a text when I arrive.

There have been numerous threads on Mumsnet where women have been upset because their DH hasn't been in touch when away and most of the responses have indicated that a quick text is the least that could be expected.

The OP doesn't sound as though she is being needy and expecting constant phone calls/texts from her DS but in my opinion a quick text and a 'thank you' for the holiday would be nice.

I don't know what the answer is, I have an equally selfish teenage DS but I just don't like the assumption that as parents we should be 'grateful' if our adult children just give us a few moments of their precious time.

[picklemepopcorn]

My son went months without a visit. He just isn't a communicator. He won't talk on the phone at all. When he is here he is lovely. It is just his personality.

It took DH years to learn the communication skills we needed. He didn't learn to talk to me until he worked away all week, and we started the daily phone call.

It's a good skill to learn, but try and do it without giving him the guilt trips, emotional blackmail etc. It's a big turn off and has the opposite effect.

[blueskyinmarch]

You do realise that in ‘Ye olde days’ people went for long periods without any need to be constantly communicating with each other. I grew up without a phone at home. I went off to uni only 20 miles away and barely saw or spoke to my parents once i was there. They just assumed that i was fine, which i was. They did get a phone eventually but it took me a long time to get used to it so i didn’t call them much.

I think we now rely too much on the ability to be instantly in touch with people (and i include myself in this). I am learning to back off and let my DD’s lead their lives without me constantly butting in. If they want me they know how to get in touch.

[Mrskeats]

My eldest dd is in her third year at uni and texts every day. Just daft things sometimes but it's nice.
My youngest goes in September and I think I will hear less from her as she's a different personality.
However I would expect a text to say they were ok when travelling. I'm a worrier so especially something like skiing. There is also the gratitude element as well. A this is for a lovely trip wouldn't go amiss would it?

[lazymum99]

Texts and 2 phone calls a week is much more than I get. I don't particularly need any more. (cold bitch that I am). I like the fact that my son is happy and getting on with his life away from home. That was what I hoped when he was young.
As long as I know he's ok and I think you would find out if he wasn't.
Paying his rent etc etc has got nothing to do with how much communication you should expect. Get real - that are not sitting there thinking how grateful they are about being paid for.
If they are on Whats App you can see when they last went on it. If worried they've gone off a cliff check that.

[MrsJayy]

Personally i think it is good manners to reply to a text him ignoring you is bloody rude 2 seconds it takes for yes mum im back had a geat time,

[Memoires]

You remind me of my friend's mum, whom he described as never leaving him alone. It wasn't entirely fair of him, but from his pov he just wanted to do his thing without having to bother with his parents who were miles away and part of a life he wasn't leading.

And then he would take his washing home at the end of term, and was happy enough to call his parents when he needed money, and expected decent Christmas and birthday presents, and so on and so forth.

So, children take parents for granted, parents have to step back a bit, and eventually it all comes out OK.

My friend's mum, incidentally, when he'd graduated and said he was staying at his Uni city, moved from London to be closer to him. He then moved to London.....

[Pinkpillow]

Spoke to him today!!
Called his phone as I was convinced it was broken or lost .... And got the shock of my life when he answered. It was a very short conversation - I didn't want to say anything I'd regret, and after he'd told me he got home on Sunday and had been so tired since (as if..) I said 'I'm at work, call me when you have time'
We'll see 😴

[Peebles1]

Glad you spoke to him at last. I wouldn't take it personally. It's true it takes two secs to text, but I'm guilty of glancing at it and meaning to reply later when not busy, then forgetting. And my DS2 will often say 'sorry, thought I replied'. DS1 & 2 text/phone on average once a fortnight. One went on placement to Australia (with considerable financial support from us) and took ten days to let us know he'd got there safely! Whenever I visit my parents they ask me to text to say I got home safely - 9 times out of 10 I just forget. We're all nice people, have good relationships with each other, are grateful for help and support from each other - it doesn't mean anything if we don't get in touch. IME no news is usually a good sign with my 3.

[JustDanceAddict]

I spoke to my mum 2x a week in uni in the early 90s. No mobiles then either. When mine go I'd def expect a bit of text:whatsapp contact? So easy now.