15 yo DS miserable at school and texting home

[Lindt70Percent]

My DS is not happy at school. He hasn't got any friends. I talked to school about this last term and they've done things like get 6th formers and teachers to look out for him. I'm not really sure what else they could do. People don't like him and they can't force them to like him.

He's very sporty. There's a group of very sporty boys in his year so you would think he would be part of their group but they don't want him. I'm not sure if it's because they've all known each other for longer and they're parents are all very friendly so they've always seen a lot of each other outside of school. However, my son's been at the school for 5 years now so you'd have thought he'd be a bit more integrated than he is.

Recently he's been selected for some additional training after school as have 4 other boys. I emailed the other parents offering to drive them all from school to the training and received no replies the first week. I emailed them again the next week with the same offer to be told that they've all arranged for one of the other parents to take their children. This is just a typical example of the sort of thing that happens. I don't want to be paranoid but I do feel he's being ostracised.

Apparently there are regular parties but DS is never invited to anything. One parent let slip to me that there was an end of term party for the class which I knew nothing about. I wondered whether DS hadn't told me because he hadn't wanted to go so asked him about it and it was a clear he knew nothing about it.

When it was DS's birthday (back in November) I got 4 tickets for him and 3 friends to see a comedian that they all like. He could only get 1 person to come with him, no one else would come.

Yesterday I took him to the open day for a 6th form at another school (his idea) which he liked very much but it's a really expensive private school that we just can't afford unless he gets a huge scholarship. It would be lovely but I don't want him pinning his hopes on this.

He's very tired today having been out of the house yesterday from 7:30am - 9:15pm at school, the open day and then rugby training. This morning he was nearly in tears, saying he couldn't bear the thought of school. I think he's overtired but also it's really depressing having to go to school to be ignored all day.

He's now texting me from school saying, "I can't fucking do this". I replied saying, "Go the school nurse then. Explain how you're feeling. xx". He's replied, "No".

I don't know what to do about all of this. I never know what to reply. I don't know whether to contact school or is that overreacting? I feel I'm failing him.

He is a quirky character. He finds people hard to read. He doesn't notice when people aren't interested in what he's saying and keeps on talking. He tries to make jokes but can inadvertently offend people in the process. I can see why the other kids don't warm to him but I don't think he's that different. He's very loyal, loves everyone else's jokes and is thoughtful about others so there's plenty to like too.

[BackwardElephants]

Seem!

[Lindt70Percent]

NoonarAgain - You're not being harsh at all, I really appreciate you taking the time to answer me. I know what you mean about me saying I'd rather he stayed. I haven't said much about that but he's picked up on it. I have said that problems aren't necessarily solved by moving and that it's still worth trying to make friends where he is as people are changing all the time in their teenage years.

Still, I think he's given it a good enough shot and that it's time to move on. That's why I entertained the idea of going to the open day yesterday. I know he has a very slim chance of going there but am trying very hard to listen to him and support what he wants.

I'm going to compile a list of open days now and we can work our way through the list tonight.

[Lindt70Percent]

BackwardElephants - I think he possibly has but he will be very resistant to investigating that any further.

[AnyFucker]

I had a little sob at your op as your son sounds exactly like mine. We had similar issues all through high school. It's just so difficult to help them isn't it ?

We had a bit if a crisis in the summer between year 10 and 11 where he was literally not leaving the house from one week to the next. And then when he had to do a particular routine errand he had a complete meltdown.

Anyway, long story short. We just sat out year 11. Concentrated on just getting through it. He has now started college doing A levels at a different 6th form college that really suit his nature and he is enthusiastic about.

Things are much better. He seems to spend his socialising time around fast food restaurants so his diet is crap but he is much, much happier.

There is light. Let him guide his own choices for further education and there is light at the end of the tunnel x

[Balletgirlmum]

A few red flags in your op for me. Dd & DS have similar problems.

We sent dd to a dance school do she would be with like minded children but the first couple of years she had all those issues ,l & DS dtill does not reading social cues, not knowing when others arn't interested in what they are talking about usually their current special interest. Inadvertently offending - usually by abrupt, truthfulness rather than deliberate rudeness.

Both my two have aspergers & dds life improved considerably when her form tutor who also happened to be the senco asked if we would consider getting her assessed.

[Balletgirlmum]

& DS does the texting thing with me as a way of letting off steam & I try & send a reassuring message to prevent a meltdown occurring at school.

I've learnt that some private schools are brilliant & on the ball with this sort of thing & others are rubbish.

[NoonarAgain]

lindt, thanks. i do agree that problems are not always overcome by moving, but if he has been labelled by a whole cohort as the one to be excluded, then he needs a fresh start. he is older now, and he may make a different first impression on new fellow 6th formers compared with when he was a year 5 pupil. good luck with everything x

[Lindt70Percent]

AnyFucker - Sorry your DS has been through it too. It's so sad. It's really encouraging to hear your son's so much happier now. I think this thread has helped clarify in my mind that there really is no other solution but to move on to somewhere else.

Balletgirlmum - Thanks. I'm still not sure about aspergers. DS is generally fine interacting with adults and he was great with the 6th former who was showing us round the school yesterday. It's hard to tell whether it's general teenage awkwardness with his own peers or whether it's something more. I think he's so nervous around the kids from school that he acts differently or tries too hard and gets it wrong.

He says he wants to go somewhere where no one knows him so he can start again.

[treggle]

If you have a good state 6th form please go and look. Dd has never been happier and does all her sport out of school now anyway.

[titchy]

I'd be looking for a very large sixth form college for him, and to open his mindset a little to mixing with the geeks... In a college cohort of hundreds there will be a handful of similar kids, not so likely in a smaller environment - and that might include the private school.

[treggle]

Yes titchy that set up seems to have worked wonders for dd

[Balletgirlmum]

ds gets on with the 6th formers too (& yr 11) he's I. Year 8. He got he lead role in the school musical lastvyear & all the other leads were much older children. The Ec psych said that getting on with adults/olfer kids or much younger kids is very common.

Changing schools (to the dance one) was ultimately a good move for dd). Ds would like to stay where he is for the moment (though partly through necessity as our local school is awful & has just closed their 6th form & the ither school is full.

[Northernparent68]

What do the teachers and his coaches say ? Can they give any explanation ?

[AnyFucker]

My boy doesn't have Asperger's but he went through a stage of excruciating social awkwardness that had always been there and is still there to some extent but just skyrocketed around age 13/14/15.

And of course, once noticed by the other kids it becomes what you are defined by.

He has really benefitted from a fresh start. He has more maturity now to recognise the spiral and the ability to push through stuff that is uncomfortable but necessary. He found the introduction sessions in college, for example, where you are forced to talk about yourself excruciating but he did it. It's easier to try stuff when you haven't got jaundiced eyes watching every move you make.

[Lindt70Percent]

My niece has Asperger's and, although I know it's different for everyone, they don't share many traits if any. I think, like AnyFucker's son, he has just been going through a very awkward stage. I think he's been very bright intellectually but quite behind emotionally and it's taking a while for it all to come together.

Adults and the 6th former yesterday are less intimidating and aren't desperate to have a go at him and so he finds them easier.

I think what he struggles with at school is the people who are posturing, bragging about what they've done and exaggerating stories etc. He just can't bear it but rather than keep his mouth shut he'll point out what's wrong with what they're saying. Another kid might get away with pointing these things out but he can't. I expect he's been quite annoying to them but now it's got to the point where he can't open his mouth without someone telling him to shut up.

I was just talking to DH about it and, thinking about it, he's got much better at reading people now and does notice when they're not interested in what he's saying. He's quite good at joking back and forth but can sometimes push things a bit too far but I think that's fairly normal for this age. I just think the other kids have made up their minds about him and he has made up his mind about them, it goes both ways.

The teachers and coaches seem oblivious to it. They hadn't noticed anything at all which is odd because DD says he's always on his own at school, to the extent that all her friends tell her he's a loner.

Yes, I think a large 6th form is the way to go.

Thanks so much everyone, you've been really helpful.

[tired17]

Another one here that says look at other sixth forms, particularly, if you have any in your area that are sixth form colleges rather than secondary schools with a sixth form. They will have a much wider range of people and your son can start again with no one having any history with him. It will also mean that everyone is new rather than a school sixth form where the majority of children know each other.

My DD was adamant that she didn't want to stay at school so went to a sixth form college. I have to say that it wasn't an easy option, particularly due to the travelling time and initially not knowing anyone, however she is now starting her second year and I think it was the right decision. Just make sure that he understands that starting somewhere new is hard and it will take time to settle, my daughter took until after Xmas to start to be happy with the change.

[treggle]

Our state 6th form has 40% new intake which really helped dd.

[JustDanceAddict]

How sad. It's so difficult when you try and fit in, but just don't for whatever reason. Can you look at some other 6th forms rather than the expensive/private one? I wouldn't make him stay there - maybe there is somewhere he can go with more quirky types who will appreciate him or he can start again? Kids also like to push our buttons - DS always says 'do I have to go to school tmw?' But it's more an issue of cba to do the work/hating a teacher/getting up early, as he has good friends. If it was the latter I'd be more concerned as most kids don't particularly like going to school!!

[itwillbebetter]

Getting on with adults or younger children but not with peers is a trait of HFA or Aspergers. My son is 17 and has had an awful time socially at school just as you describe. It culminated in a suicide attempt.
He didn't click with therapy but we finally found a clinical nurse who deals with social anxiety and she recognised that he had many Aspergers traits. He probably would not get a full diagnosis but just realising his brain works slightly differently and learning coping mechanisms has made a great difference. He is now at a boarding sixth form and loving it.
This may not apply to your son but thought I would mention it incase it was helpful. Sometimes the traits can be very subtle but learning why his brain worked differently was a massive release for my son.

[Mamia15]

A lot of 6th forms have induction days in the summer so its a good way of working out which one he would feel most comfortable in.

The good thing about the application process is that you apply direct to the 6th forms and you can hang onto a few places/offers until the summer when you are more able to decide which one to confirm with.

[garlicandsapphire]

Sadly I think you're right, your DS has to stick this year out. But you should still talk to school about how its going for him - you don't want it to affect his GCSE's.

But after this year its a perfect opportunity to start again so please do get on the case now and explore all the options - there must be other good 6th forms to consider including schools with lots of very different, styles and cultures - take DS to see what works for him. Everyone takes the opportunity (where I live) to consider new 6th form places, and even if they don't change new kids join and dynamics change, new alliances form, fresh blood etc, combined with more independence and freedom.

Please, please, please, forgive this question. Might your DS be on the spectrum? It sounds a little like he just doesnt pick up some of the signals and in the teen years thats important for 'fitting in'. Later, quirkiness, difference begins to be valued. I've had lots of conversations with my DCs in 6th form which are less about fitting in and more about respecting individuality. Just a thought - but talking to school about this could help.