Dd ruining holiday with moods and strops, please help

[Dancergirl]

We are on holiday at the moment but it doesn't feel like it because of 13 year old dd's terrible moods.

She is the youngest of three girls, dd1 more or less sailed through the teenage phase so this is all new to us. Dd2 has always been more emotional anyway but in the past six months she has really changed and has lots of mood swings, crying fits and strops, snaps at me and dh and her sisters, starts arguments and refuses to let things go. I've got the book 'get out of my life etc....' and it's as if she's read it!

She knows she's doing this and can't help it and actually dislikes HERSELF when she's like this.

So we're 5 days into a 2 week holiday. Most days she has been sullen and unpleasant for some of the time. Yesterday we were at a particular attraction and her phone camera wasn't working which resulted in a huge over reaction and tears etc which lasted a couple of hours.

I say to dh and to her sisters that however bad it is for us, it's worse for her so we're trying to be sympathetic. But it's very very hard and I wonder if we should be firmer when she's making an atmosphere. Today she hit her older sister because she got cross with her for laughing. I told her off good and proper for that, there is no excuse for physical violence.

I often get the brunt of it - I 'have a go at her', speak in a patronising way, look at her wrong etc. I'm just so drained with it all, I can't help wishing it's just me and dh on this lovely holiday which cost a lot of money

So what's the best way to deal with this and how hard should I be? Is trying to ignore it the best course of action? And offer hugs and sympathy when needed? Or be firmer with her for attitude and nastiness towards others?

[Dancergirl]

Thanks all, so glad I am not alone!

Well we are home and survived. Had a particularly bad bout half way through the holiday when dd sulked and cried through a meal at a restaurant. I didn't lose it with her but got so down about it all, I wanted to go home and suggested that she and I fly home Dh, the voice of reason, said that was a terrible idea (I don't think I actually meant it, I was just really fed up).

Anyway after that things improved. Dd had the odd bout of moodiness/tears/stropiness but she was generally better, if anything it was 9 year old dd3's behaviour that caused more problems.

Dd now says she feels really sad about that bad night and she keeps playing it over in her mind. I've told her it doesn't matter, it was only a few hours out of the entire holiday and she should focus on all the good bits.

She is a good kid really, with a heart of gold and such good morals I am amazed sometimes. It's rough sometimes being 13, she's very sensitive and takes it all to heart.

[AlienTaxFiend]

Aaargh I feel your pain! Just had our first holiday with me and my two DDs (10 and 14) and my partner, whom they know fairly well (their Dad left four years ago). Spent an absolute fortune, consulted all the way down the line, made every allowance possible and still had sulks, moods, indifference to the point of rudeness to my partner, inability to get up, want to walk anywhere or basically do anything than watch the new series of whatever on her IPAD. Day five of ten I snapped and had words (in a cable car with just my two DDs) and it was a bit better after that. But totally soul destroying whilst it's happening. If I try to ignore it and just focus on my younger one, who is much happier with the situation, I get accused of 'golden child' favouritism'!! I work full-time and had saved up for months for this holiday, which I felt wasn't at all appreciated and made me feel really sad to boot. I'm hoping it's just a phase, first holiday all together and so on, but feeling a bit despairing...

[Mummydummy]

Much sympathy to you all. I have a 14 yr old DS who has transformed in the last 6 months with the aid of hormones from a chatty friendly person into a contemptuous drag. He's not as dramatic and unrelenting as your daughter but it is very draining - just to be continuously treated like an idiot, nagging pain.

On our recent holiday (just me and two teenagers), on one day he refused to get out of the car, then when he did just lay face down on the grass and wouldn't communicate or then come back to the car. I'm afraid I lost it, said he didnt have to come on holiday in future, was a spoilt brat who was very fortunate to have such an expensive holiday etc etc. In the end he cried but there wasn't a word of apology or trying to make it right. We just started the next day as a new day. Another day he took the rucksack off me and strode ahead to the top of the mountain, he was actually much better when he got significant exercise or was taken to genuinely amazing places (we were in Iceland which was extraordinary).

He can do really really annoying things. Like pushing me over in the sea 5 minutes after arriving in Brighton for a day trip and I just had to take the decision not to ruin the day by being annoyed and be wet from the waist down for the whole day. I'd dried off by 7pm! He did at least say sorry that time.

Generally its draining and rude. I am particularly the butt not his father (we are divorced), because cutting the strings with his mum is an essential part of his male identity and he knows I will always be there. (That is why mums get treated worse in my view - they know we will always be there). I use humour a lot, turn the music up, take breaks and walk away, ignore it...whatever I can to vary my response and help my patience. I try not to bear grudges for the previous day or incident - just get over it, its not him its the hormones. My breezy kind 16 yr old DD is also very good at calming situations and advising me to let it go, though every now and again he drives her nuts too. Then sometimes if I take him off on his own to do what he wants (say the barber then KFC .. yuck...) he will talk to me and have a laugh on his terms. So I just take the small mercies when I can. I miss him, we were close and share the same sense of humour. But I reckon I will get him back a bit when he's 19. So that's only 5 years away!!!

[junebirthdaygirl]

I think a lot of us who have had teens have had some of these times. I have to say sudden crossness can work if you have been nice until now.. So l remember saying to my dd " knock this off right now. I'm enjoying my holidays and l have had enough so give it over NOW " She was shocked into changing. The secret is to leave it then. Don't dwell on it. If she is sitting by the pool with a big pout just ignore her. Go off for a walk. Read your book. But don't be afraid to call her on it. Make each day a new day. Give her a quick hug when going by.I have a distinct memory of being outside the Dali museum in Spain where dh lit into ds over whinging and complaining and we walked around those pictures in stunned silence. But the atmosphere changed and he smartened up a bit.
I can guarantee you, and mine are older, your dd will be talking in the future about the time ye were in Italy or wherever and while she is laughing and describing some escapade you will be thinking l cannot believe she does not remember what a pain she was. Knowing others go through the same can help but being called to order won't kill her.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

Time- that's what I do too at home and on holiday

[TimetohittheroadJack]

I found the one thing that improved my holiday was to give up trying to get them up. Planned nothing before 12. if they wanted to sleep or laze about fine - I'd go to the pool and read a book and they could come and find me (when they were hungry).

[Leeloo2]

Is there a kids' club/activity they could do? Or is dd1 old enough to take her younger sister(s) out for an hour/morning to give you a break? Or if you're out can you leave them together in a cafe/shop/pool for an hour whilst you visit where you choose? Or just lock her in the hotel room!

Perhaps last night you could have given her a hug and said you love her but you were v tired and needed to be alone? Hard though I know when you're knackered from her strops! It sounds like she wants to connect but doesn't know how.

From recollection of being that age, I felt a mix of 'no one understands me' and completely unloved/unmoveable and I'd spend hours reliving and beating myself up for what I felt I'd done wrong / embarrassed myself. I'm sure it didn't improve my behaviour though. There's also that fierce battle to demand independence, whilst being very scared of what that and being 'grown up' means - and in these days of social media that must be even worse! I think a hug from my parents, some understanding and being told that they loved me would have helped...

Perhaps it's not dissimilar to the toddler years, when they're trying to find their own feet and manage their emotions. In which case telling them in advance what you expect 'we're going for dinner now, you need to look at the menu quietly and choose something to eat, then you have a choice of chatting, reading your book or looking at your phone'.

Good luck anyway! I hope your holiday improves. :)

[Cguk81]

I was like that when I was a teenager. Not so much the tantrums and crying but very very moody, huffy and had a constant state of rage just bubbling under the surface. I'm sorry to say that there was very little my parents could do to help. In fact, my mum being nice to me used to make it even worse. I was completely unreasonable but I literally couldn't help feeling like that, it just was and so I can understand what your daughter says when she tells you she doesn't like the way she is either but can't stop it. I wanted to be alone most of the time so maybe your daughter would prefer to stay at the hotel while you go out for dinner. It will pass....eventually! Took me about 2 or 3 years and it was a very very rocky road!

[Dancergirl]

dream how old was she when that happened? Who did she stay with when you went away?

Well dd was sort of OK for a few days but now we are back to square one Moods, crying, snapping at everyone.... And to top it all, dd3 isn't behaving brilliantly either. I snapped tonight in the restaurant where we were eating. Now I feel crap and want to go home

[Dreamfrog]

It brings it all back. We had one horrendous holiday - screaming, sulking, full blown tantrums, there wasn't one nice moment in the two weeks. Mutual agreement she didn't come with us for two years. Now she joins us on holiday and we have the best of times.

[JinkxMonsoon]

Disclaimer: my kids are not teens, but I really don't think there's any harm in letting her know that you're sick of her behaviour and how it's ruining an expensive family holiday. It sounds like, generally, you're very sympathetic and permissive when it comes to her mood swings (and I'm not criticising you for that!) but maybe it's worth letting her know when she's crossed A Line?

Crying at the table in a restaurant sounds very extreme by the way. What triggers the tears? Do you think moodiness is turning into a mental health issue?

[Fuckingmoles]

Do I need to be available to her just when she wants it??

I think you need to do whatever it takes to stay sane and I don't think it will do any harm for her to know that you have been upset by her behaviour.

DD and I were talking about her teenage years recently and she doesn't think I could've done anything different. She just remembers being really angry/unhappy a lot of the time - there was no one thing and no particular reason. She really was incredibly difficult to live with and made life very trying - it sounds as if your DD is the same.

[Dancergirl]

Thank you all so much, so good to hear I'm not alone.

I feel guilty for not liking her at the moment and I need a bit of space. We're staying in various hotels, the girls are all in one room which is adding to the tension I suppose.

Last night after she'd calmed down from the latest moody bout, she came into me and dh's room. Feel bad that I didn't really engage with her but I was so drained by that point I just wanted to sit with dh in silence. She skulked off eventually. Do I need to be available to her just when she wants it??

[Fuckingmoles]

Also been here - DD was a moody nightmare between the ages of 11-15. She ruined many days out and holidays with sulking, moaning and tantrums. Removing privileges and possessions made absolutely no difference, shouting and being exasperated made no difference, I eventually learnt to minimise my engagement in her sulks - "It's boring" "That's a shame" turn away and continue with DS (thankfully a much easier going child) and repeat ad nauseum.

Hold on to the fact that it does pass. She is now delightful (20' years) and we have been on several city breaks together enjoying many of the things she declared "boring".

[Mittensonastring]

DS is luckily getting through teen years okayish but we always let him have his own space. So one night we went to the pub near the hotel and left him chatting to his mates on Skype, he is 15. I need my own space as does DH so we have always acknowledged this.

I went down for breakfast half an hour before everyone else and just drank tea and read the paper while I waited. I think chucking family together 24/7 is a recipe for disaster.

[User545454]

DD is the same the only thing that seems to bring her any joy or enthusiasm is being taken shopping!

[Peebles1]

Yep, been there with DD. Could ruin an entire holiday or day trip out to some wonderful city. To be fair, walking round 'wonderful cities' in the searing heat is incredibly boring for teenagers. The constant moan from our three was 'do we have to walk far?' So we were kind of upfront and acknowledged their pain before we went: we really want to go see this famous city. It will be hot. There will be walking. It'll be a bit boring. But we think you'll enjoy (the ice cream shop .... The castle dungeons ... The nice restaurant ..... Whatever you can find for them to get something out of it). And tomorrow we'll just chill etc. So we kind of pre-empted the moaning and moods which helped a bit. We also made sure we only did two or three 'city visit' days, as they were really for us, not them.

DD was the worst at your DD's age. So we did the above, plus didn't make huge demands - if she wanted to spend the whole time at the restaurant with her face in her phone, fine. If she wanted nothing but 'fries', fine. Her holiday too. One hol she spent a lot of time in her room on her phone. Fine, so what, she's happy, we're happy, who cares that she doesn't go out in the sun much? When out (like your restaurant scenario) I prob did the same as you - bollocked her when really necessary, ignored her if she was driving me mad, remained jolly with the rest of the family, tried to engage her after 5 mins or so of 'leaving her be'

Also spent a day just me and her - they worked very well.

Good luck - the good news is they improve eventually

[Icequeen01]

We are abroad on holiday with our 16 year old DS at the moment and I sympathise with you as we have had some of what you are experiencing.

My DS doesn't get up before 11am and is sooo miserable if he gets up earlier. Luckily for us we are on a lovely complex which has a couple of pools so my DH and I are happy to leave him to it and we go and sit by the pool reading etc until DS gets himself up and joins us around midday. He's then a lot happier with the world and doesn't start moaning he's tired. We then either go out for the day or just sit by the pool so he can be on his phone chatting to his friends or listening to his music.

Having said that, we went out to visit a beautiful city on Tuesday and my DS moaned constantly and was nearly tripping over his lip the whole time. My husband asked him to show him how to do something on his phone (to be fair DH had had us walking around in circles using the GPS for half an hour in 32c heat!) and my DS was so rude and dismissive to DH that DH just snapped! It was a bit embarrassing as DH did raise his voice and we were in a public area but it was the straw that broke the camel's back. He told DS he was absolutely sick of his behaviour, how ungrateful he was, how spoilt he was, only thought of himself etc. I think it took both my DS and me by surprise but was a wake up call to my DS that he had gone too far. He has been much better since then. I'm not implying that you or your DH has a meltdown in the street but I think the softly softly approach is great but there comes a point where they need to know enough is enough.

We have found our DS is great in the evenings and, in fact, you can't stop him talking if we are out for a meal, but during the day he is plain hard work. To be fair DS has just taken his GCSE's and his results are due out in a couple of weeks so there is some anxiety around that but generally his just a moody teenager. DH did say that perhaps next year he can stay at home (my mum lives next door so would have someone at home for him and he's not into partying) and I was beginning to agree with DH but then later that day DS asked where we are going next year and there is no way I would leave him behind if he wanted to come - moods or no moods

I do hope you manage to enjoy the rest of your holiday. Rest assured you are not alone and lots of us are feeling your pain.

[mumbathing]

My mum put me on evening primrose oil when I was a teen as my mood swings were so bad. Maybe try something like that? It must be really hard for all of you. She can't help it, just like we adults can't control our pmt

[Wellywife]

The problem with holidays is that often everyone is forced together all the time without any breaks.

When DS was going through that phase he really needed space and time alone. When we rented a 2 bed cottage and let him have 1 room while DD was in with me and DH. At the inlaws abroad he found his 'secret' spot and would go there for a while when he needed escape the rest of us.

Not sure what your arrangements are but is there any way she can have some time alone, in a safe way?

[FaithAscending]

I second magnesium, it's a good stabiliser. I felt like this as a teen. It was awful. I hated being so moody but I also felt like no-one understood me. It did settle down.

[pinkhorse]

This is how my holiday is right now except it's my dsd. She is 14. We've been here a week and everyday she won't get up until half ten earliest then spends the day saying how hungry and tired she is. She never wants to come out with us and if she does then she is stropping about whinging and eye rolling the whole time.
She hasn't once made herself a sandwich or drink let alone made anyone else one. We made her wash up yesterday and she reacted like she was getting murdered.
We've also had the selfish behaviour which I REALLY can't stand.
It's even harder when it's not your own child.
She has made this holiday pretty awful tbh.
I feel your pain.

[Bambamrubblesmum]

Does she do any exercise? Maybe going for a run or to the gym might burn up some of that pent up rage. Also might release some endorphins which will mellow her a bit. Worth a try?

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

I do what froubylou does mostly.

Hitting- I'd have taken her phone from her for 24 hours.

Mostly we just ignore stroppines as feeding into it makes it worse.

[froubylou]

If possible I would just give her 5 mins alone to compose herself. So suggest she goes and washes her face or invent a little errand between courses like nip to the car for a packet of wet wipes or something.

I remember being the same and it's just impossible for me to compose myself in company. And I know dd is a good kid and doesn't want to feel this way. It's just hormones and emotions and being a teen that does it.

It's incredibly difficult not to get frustrated with them I know. And I am not an expert. And it will probably get worse for us as time goes on but at the moment a 'time out' works so I do my best to make sure she gets it.

And when she returns from her time out the reason she was upset Must Not Be Mentioned.