Teenage Daughter has no friends

[jo9832]

Hi just looking for some advice about my 15 year old daughter. She is good girl (well most of the time a bit gobby occasionally! ) getting good grades and helps around the house but never and i mean never socialises. She has one friend a lad she has known all her life and they walk to school together and she has people to sit with at lunch time. She had a "friend" for years but was replaced when a new girl arrived. I will never forget walking through our town centre and the "friend" and this new girl walked past us. My daughter collapsed crying into me as the friend hadnt mentioned anything. Things fizzled out and eventually my daughter told the girl she should just move on as they had obviously grown apart. Since then (over 6 months) she stays in or takes her nana into town in her wheel chair. Am i mad wanting her to be out and coming back late for tea etc like teenagers are suppose to do ? She is in year 10 so has another year left and has already told me she is not going to the prom as she has no one to go with. I have encouraged her to talk to new people or invite people over and she just says no. I also notice that no one ever likes any of her posts on facebook. I feel really sad for her.

[Writercat]

Fab. It's so lovely to hear kids having good experiences.

[flotsomandjetsome]

My DD was very similar up until year 11. I would always try and encourage her to stay positive and tell her she would find 'her tribe'.

Well she's just finished the first year of 6th form (same school but classes / students shuffle around going into 6th form) and I can tell you she's had the year of her life!

She has indeed found her tribe at school, has a social life for the 1st time and has also met a lovely boy, and from what she says and I can see they have a really great relationship.

Now we're the other side of it, it is clear that she was never going to be in with the in crowd (she was never invited to a single party in senior school) and neither were her friends or her boyfriend - but they are fantastic ... and funnily enough all seem to be having a bit of a 'glow up' so maybe they'll have the last laugh!

[loveisagirlnameddaisy]

Me too! Would love to know how some of these stories have turned out.

[Fiona19800]

Hey I know this thread is so old but I came across it googling as my daughter has these same issues and my heart is broken for her. Every day I pray she’ll come home from school and say she’s been invited to do something but never happens.
All the kids in these posts must be adults now, did everything work out x

[williamthomas1965]

Hi, my daughter has been trying to find some local friends to, i agree to a sort of connection between these teenagers. She has friends at school and clubs but hasn't had a best friend and is looking for a bestie to go shopping with, iceskating to the fair. She will be 15 in may and is looking for some girl friends nearby. She enjoys school and has a great personality. Any suggestions possibly as to how these girls could get together and poss find strength in each other and maybe a bestie for life.

[williamthomas1965]

Hi my name is Jean and i live in lichfield, i have a 14 year old daughter who is looking for a friend to go shopping, iceskating or for a coffee with. Jess enjoys school and is a good girl, she plays hockey and netball. If anybody has a teenage daughter and lives nearby who would like to find a good friend pls contact me. Jean.

[Carmen12]

Omg your story is so simular to mine .it breaks my heart ..

[Trying2bgd]

I hope things continue to get better for all your kids. Again I honestly believe they will get through this and prove to be amazing young adults. I wish everyone only the best! Stay positive.

[Trying2bgd]

I thought I would add to this thread an update. My dd had hoped when classes mixed this year she would be with other kids, unfortunately, she ended up with a lot of the same kids and with it the same problems. We have had a chat and she is going to do her best to join clubs and spend time with others and hopefully just be with nicer people rather than endure the drama and meaness of this group. I am hoping she will also try peer mentoring or counselling so she can share her feelings with others and get some support. It is heartbreaking as it is eating away at her self esteem.

[Rainbowqueeen]

So pleased for you just dance, that's lovely for your DD

Jo, if she has been made deputy head girls then the school must think all the other kids like and respect her or they wouldn't have done it otherwise. I hope the school trip helps your DD break into a nice group and that she can find some lovely friends at college.

[JustDanceAddict]

Update please! I am also pleased to report that DD has made a few new friends this term who she is seeing out of school and it's made a massive difference to her - she seems a lot happier. I hope this will continue for her into the GCSE years too.

[Azulita77]

Does anyone have older kids that don't socialise? My son is 19 and apart from going to the gym (usually alone) he doesn't go anywhere. He is away at University during term time but is home for four months summer break. He knows a lot of people and could easily find someone to go out with if he wanted to but has no interest. He is happy in his room on his IPad etc and says he is not bored. I'm glad he isn't out every night drinking as I would be even more worried but I would like him to have friends over or go to a friend's house but he just isn't interested.

[jo9832]

Hi just an update
The issue with having no friends is just the same but she seems to have adapted to it . It still makes me feel very sad for her and school are aware. She is going on a school trip and some girls have said she can share with them ( I think the teacher had something to do with it) but she can't break into their group . She has recently been made deputy head girl and this has really boosted her confidence . I can't see things changing but at the moment she's not crying but I know during the summer she will not see anyone from school and that I think is sad . She goes into year 11 in September and I am hoping perhaps when she starts college things might change . Thanks for asking for an update 😀

[Trying2bgd]

I honestly believe that each of these kids will grow to become great adults. They will have buckets of empathy and kindness, and will never judge a book by its cover! Teenage years can be awful so am sending as much positivity and strength as I can muster to each of them and to all of you.

[wavingnow]

trying2be I agree, have often wished the same.

[Trying2bgd]

Bump

[Trying2bgd]

I know this thread is old but would love an update on how things are going. My dd1 has discovered in year 8 that bar 1 or 2, a lot of her friends are fairweathered and mean. Its quite heartbreaking. I'm hoping that next year with a change of classes, things will improve. I'm also trying to nudge her gently to try and follow her own interests and hobbies which will hopefully mean meeting like minded people. She's very resilient and puts a brave face on it. But it's tough. Part of me wishes you could get all these kids onto a thread so they could support each other.

[JustDanceAddict]

Oh no, jo9832 It's awful to get rejected like that. the other girl was obviously trying to let her down gently at first, but then thought she might as well be honest! I was very upset the other night myself, so I know how you feel. I barely slept, and was completely shattered last night. I wish I knew what the answer was as to how to make friends as a teen, DD wants to know, but I don't know as I make friends pretty easily and if I can see someone isn't that interested I don't persue it really, but I'm not that bothered as I have enough friends to cope with the odd 'rejection' (even though I may be offended).
All I can say is, it's best to try different avenues: clubs & activities out of or in school. I wouldn't say Zumba was a place to start though, as it's just exercise. Something like art club where you sit and draw and chat may be better?

[jo9832]

Today she has cried! She went into school for a revision class and was talking to another girl about zumba she casually said to her its a laugh you should try it out the girl said no so my dd then said boogie bounce is also suppose to be good and the girl said to her look i am not interested in going with you! She came home and said "what happened mum i had loads of friends when i started high school and now i haven't got anyone"!! To say i am upset too is an understatement!

[Lenmum]

Justdanceaddict that's good that your daughter has her cousin and I wish my daughter had someone similar but unfortunately my cousin has the attitude that as long as I'm alright I don't care (but it would be different if things where the othe way round ) but that's a different story. My daughter never complaines about not having anyone to hangout with but I don't know whether it's just because she doesn't want us to worry as she never shows her feelings she is an only child as well so has no siblings to do things with either. I'm just hoping things will change again in year 9

[JustDanceAddict]

Lenmum I feel bad for your daughter. Funnily enough DD goes to school with her first cousin, who never used to have many friends, but she has now gone the other way and has got in with a bit of a rebellious crowd. DD and her get on very well, but we have us trying to get DD to be more sociable, and BIL trying to get his DD to calm down! Would like a happy medium for both girls as they are both lovely in their own ways. We are united in making sure they see each other out of school regularly though.

[Lenmum]

I know how you feel my daughter sounds like yours justdanceAddict she fell out with friends at primary but then her social life picked up in year 7 but now in year 8 her friendships have changed again but what breaks my heart one of the girls that is leaving my daughter out is my cousins daughter who she used to be close to and her mother my cousin who I have helped ou no end of times in the past will not do anything to help. I don't expect her to force her daughter to get involved with my daughter but she mentioned the other day that she was taking her kids to the seaside for the day and my daughter commented that she would like to go so I asked could she go with them and her reply was no as her daughter was already bringing a friend. What was upsetting was that the girl she was taking used to be my daughters best friend and my cousins daughter didn't use to like her and although this girl is no longer my daughters best friend they are still friends so I couldn't understand why my daughter couldn't join them but I decided not to push it and moved on from the subject but I think it is rejection like this that is putting my daughter off from trying to make arrangements with friends so all she does is sit around at home playing on her iPad.

[CodyKing]

Ive never gone down the best friends route with my children - It seems to cause so many issues when it's just a label for one person - there's an expectation. Kids need friends but not best friends.

Ask your DD to talk to one new person each week - just a conversation in the dinner line - to open her eyes and look to see if there's others in the same situation -

Maybe contact school to see if they could do a social club dressed up as something fun -

[JustDanceAddict]

DD is in year 9 (age 13 still) and she's really upset tonight as she has (finally) realised that she doesn't really have close friends. She has never had loads of friends, but in primary had 'enough' to get by, plus the mums still made most of the arrangements (kids not having phones until end of year 6) so it wasn't that obvious. Her so-called bestie was also a bit of a bully so they didn't stay in touch really.
Started off OK in secondary, but things are on the turn now due to various fallings in & out over the last year or so, and 'takings away' and she said she really only has one proper close friend who is properly loyal to her (but also friends with the ones that DD says don't like her). She says people don't like her, and when I asked who she named a couple of girls who she's never been close with anyway (but goes to lunch with the group they're in). She does one out of school club, but is getting to the upper age of this now (has friends there, but has never seen them away from the club) so will be finishing soon. I have suggested joining another youth club, going to lunchtime clubs (boring), trying to cultivate fledgling friendships and even moving school (bit drastic, but I would consider it. She doesn't want to anyway so that's a moot point), but she has poo-pooed my suggestions, or says 'maybe', and doesn't follow through.
As her mum, obviously I can see that she is a lovely girl, has a good sense of humour (and fun), is kind and loyal, but she is also reserved and not that 'girly' I suppose (not into all the hugs, etc.). She used to play with boys in the infants in partiucular and just finds it hard to navigate the girls' world and hasn't got that magnetic personality. Her younger brother, conversely, has loads of friends and seems to have that X-factor that some kids have so that rubs her face in it a bit too.
I am hoping that it will change next year for GSCE as they do split the year differently and she will be with people she hasn't known before. if not, then there is sixth form and she will prob change school then if things haven't improved - there are a few options.
I also tell DD that she isn't the only one, that loads of kids feel like she does, but I suppose it's not much comfort!!
I wish I knew the answer too.

[sandgrown]

We have just had this conversation about DS (13) today. He has friends at school but does not meet anybody out of school. He had weight/confidence problems which are slowly being resolved but I suspect he was bullied by some of his "friends" I am encouraging him to join outside activities in the hope he will.make new friends. It is awful and you feel so sad for them