AIBU to want my teenage DSs to go to bed before I do?

[Liberated71]

My 13 and 14 year old DSs never seem tired in the evening like I am. I'm fit to drop by 10pm but I don't want to go to bed before they do. (I'd not sleep anyway). At the mo the compromise is they are in bed reading even if not sleeping. (Screens go off at least 1/2 hour before lights out)
Am I too controlling? Part of my reluctance is not trusting them I guess.
I'm a single mum- I have a partner who stays over a few nights a week, which adds another "issue" to bedtime!!! My privacy!!!
School nights are easier to manage/justify but during the school holidays it's different and they e both told me they don't fall asleep til after 11.
What do others do?

[Gymbob]

they are in their rooms shortly after 10. not that they'd notice as they will have been up there on facebook or minecraft all night anyway. just minus WiFi and devices after 10.

....waiting for the onslaught...

[Liberated71]

I'm with you Gymbob. If you have kids who can self regulate then fine - but I don't. Certainly not youngest (ADHD/ASD)

[PowderMum]

DD16 is usually in bed by 9.30 but her Laptop, phone and iPad, usually asleep by 10.30 and moans if people are loud upstairs particularly by her room (which is by the bathroom)
DD18 hasn't gone to bed before 11 for years, she has free run of the house including the kitchen, when I go to bed I lock the house and put on the dishwasher all I ask of her is that she turns everything off before she goes to bed and that she comes upstairs quietly.
They are both on their long summer break now and I don't really mind what hours they keep as long as they do something with their days.
We have never had a wifi and devices rule, they are on 24/7

[FretYeNotAllIsShiny]

On a school night, I'll insist on them being in their rooms by 10pm with devices off. Not a school night? Whatevs.

[Gymbob]

will still have the kitchen rule over the hols, as we have to work even if they don't. they'll keep their devices in their rooms over the hols, but will lose the privilege if they disturb me, like DD2 did last hol - on the phone hands free at 2 am

[wannabestressfree]

I don't close the kitchen. They know the things I regard as free reign food eg toast and fruit and attack that if hungry. Ds1 is 18 so if he is hungry he is hungry...

[applesareredandgreen]

Just been reading the responses on this thread. Normally tell DS to go to bed around 11 ish when I do (holidays - earlier on school nights) altho I think that he probably lies in bed looking at you tube on his phone for a while after. He has been nagging me that he should be allowed to stay up all hours in the holidays - as no school - but I am old fashioned enough to think nights are for sleeping and days for activities.

Anyway - reading this thread I was thinking maybe I'm a bit harsh - I'll just go to bed and leave DS to whatever he's up to in his room - and he has just come in to me and said - no prompting - 'I'm off to bed now'

[Claybury]

DS(17) was moaning about this just this week. He says his mates are allowed to be in their kitchens any time in the night if they are hungry. DH and I definitely do not want anyone moving around the house, making food, switching on lights after we have gone to bed - by 11.
I think it's entirely reasonable to close the kitchen, and have quiet from 11 ish. If they want greater freedom and less routine they can move out !
I also don't think teens should be encouraged to eat during the night. A last snack at 9-10 ish should be fine. Otherwise surely they don't wake so early for breakfast, reinforcing the whole nocturnal cycle.
Maybe some parents are just heavier sleepers and really don't care ?

[KatharineClifton]

What a lovely thread. I gave up on this too and it doesn't sit easy with me. I'll feel better from now on. Mine have learnt to be quiet as I raise merry hell if they wake me, other than that it's been ok as in they haven't burnt the house down.

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

Schooldays they have to be in bedrooms by 10.30, holidays and Saturday nights they are left to their own devices and set their own bedtimes. This is from the age of 13/14, two youngest are now 15 and 17. 15 year old stays up the latest, I went to the loo in the night recently and he was still up at 3.00, I told him to go to bed!

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

I generally get mine (DD16 DS13) to go to bed before me but it's not by much these days, about 10 mins in hols, maybe half hour or so in term time.
DH doesn't bother though and will turn in when he's tired which can be very early if he's been up early too or out for a long day of birdwatching.
I think it keeps some sort of sense of parental control to get them to go up first. I like saying goodnight to them (mostly) even if they do still take about half hour to get up those stairs!

[Hulababy]

13y DD goes up to her room before we go to bed.

School night she goes up between 9-9:30pm generally though will often read. No Tv in her bedroom, and no iPad/phone allowed after this time wither. She is usually asleep well before 10pm on a school night though. Better for her as I feel she needs the extra sleep, but also it gives me and dh time to ourselves too.

Holidays and weekends she stays up later, but still in bed either at same time or before me and dh go up. Wouldn't be happy to leave her downstairs awake tbh. And I don't want her watching Tv or on her phone/internet at this time of night either.

So I don't think yabu to insist he is in his room when you go to bed at 10pm.

It might be different when she is much older - but at 13y I get to choose.

[Hulababy]

Our kitchen would be effectively closed once me and dh go to bed anyway. We have an alarm which covers the ground floor which we set every night. This means that the kitchen is not accessible without having to turn the alarm off and reset it.

And as we have meal times and I am not keen on her snacking randomly whenever (within reason) - there is just no need for dd to be making food after 10pm. She has access to water and water bottles upstairs anyway.

[sillygiraffe]

If I could lock my kitchen I definitely would. I am sick of dd eating crap in the middle of the night. I told her last night that the kitchen would be closing at midnight. Only to find a tin of spaghetti in her room today! Roll on the start of term when we can get back into some routine.

[LittleSnaily]

My dsd is 16 and the wifi is off at 10:30. The problem is she makes a racket going to bed and coming and asking us questions at night after this. We tried having wifi on all night and no bedtimes but then she was waking us at 3am and complaining of anxiety all the time.

I guess if they can self regulate with devices it's different to if they just stay up all night and drive themselves bonkers.

[TondelayaDellaVentamiglia]

school nights, bed time has to be a respectable hour, and any malingering the following morning will result in sanctions!


weekends/holidays, they can please themselves, but lights will NOT be snapped on and off, doors will not be banged, kitchens WILL be left as they were found, cats and dogs will NOT be disturbed and most importantly sleeping mothers will NEVER be roused unless the house goes on fire....and then they had better have the fire brigade already on their way

[CremeEggThief]

Ha! I occasionally go to bed before 12 year old DS now, and I rarely go before 11.30! YABU.

[bloodyteenagers]

I tell them to go to their room around 10ish and the kitchen is closed.
At midnight the password is changed. Without this they will stay online all night.. Using mobile net not an option, not unlimited and the one time one did try and be smart they paid every single very rapidly. They wanted a £1 a week or some ridiculous amount said well in the real world bills don't work like that.

[BackforGood]

I have to agree with everything SecretSquirrels has written.

I'm not depriving myself of sleep for all the years my dc are in the teenage pattern of bodyclock

[AndNowItsSeven]

My dc have a bedtime until after they have finished their GCSE exams, after that it's up to them.

[icouldjusteatacroissant]

it's not up to them in my house. I was woken night before last by her on her phone at 1am. on loudspeaker. again. so I confiscated phone and told her to leave it outside her room last night. she conveniently forgot, saying 'soorrreeeee. why does it matter, its the holidays'. so now she'll leave her phone outside her room for 2 nights, and if that doesn't help improve her memory it will be a week. do not wake a sleeping mother unless the house is on fire as someone up thread said