DD has lied, and now I feel cruel. Please reassure me!

[OccamsLadyshave]

DD begged me last week to buy her tickets to go to an event in October. I told her that as she'd had a really good year and worked hard, and because the event is near her birthday, that I'd get them as a birthday present once I knew she'd finished her final project of the year without any last minute fuss.

Final project is due in tomorrow. She told me on Sunday that she'd finished it, so I bought the tickets (Costing £55). It turns out she had lied because she wanted to go out with her friends on Sunday, and also because she was worried the event would sell out.

She is now frantically working on her project (that she's had for 6 weeks) and will no doubt have something acceptable to hand in tomorrow. She is a real last-minute worker but usually pulls it out the bag and meets the deadline, but without any spare capacity for printers failing, unexpected events cropping up or any of the other many problems that can and do get in her way.

So while I have no doubt she'll hand her homework in, she has lied and misled me. The obvious punishment is that she doesn't get the tickets. She is distraught. I am extremely hurt and pissed off. The tickets are non-refundable and it does say they are not transferable either, and although I would probably risk selling them on ebay I doubt I'll get full value.

I have told her that I am definitely selling the tickets, but that I will give her first refusal and if she has saved £55 by mid-September I'll sell them to her rather than ebay them. She thinks this is the most appalling thing she's ever heard.

She gets £13 a month pocket money and currently has about £10 in the bank. I have told her that I will need my car washing inside and out both before and after our camping trip and that I will pay her £10 each time if it's done to the standard that they do it at the car wash. She can also mow the lawn and trim the hedge (£5 each time). She could easily save the money by September if she wanted to.

Am I being harsh? Am I being too soft by giving her a get out clause? One of the tickets is for me, because under 14s aren't allowed in on their own and it's a couple of weeks before her 14th birthday but I am making her pay for that too (I have never even heard of the people we're going to see so I don't feel that I'm getting any benefit from it)

This is new territory for me because she is usually very honest so I don't want to overreact but I don't really feel I can just shrug it off either.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

Posted too soon!

All kids lie but ime if you come down hard and I think what you're doing OP is really harsh, she'll be more likely to hide it next time. She's a good kid who gets her work done even though she works a but last minute. I would make it known I was pissed off about the fibbing but really I couldn't get worked up about this at all.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

I'm with Nikkifury-she will lie again because all kids do

[lilacblossomtime]

I don't agree that it is very harsh, she would only need to wash the car and mow the lawn a couple of times at the rate the OP set, to pay for her ticket.
I must admit I have tried this sort of bribe on my procrastinating dd before and it has never worked well, but the punishment was really for lying to her mum.
I think you might say OP that in future you won't make that sort of deal as it went wrong and ended up causing this problem, but you will talk with her if there is something she really wants in future and work something out together that works better for you both.

[anothermakesthree]

V v harsh. Your punishment massively outweighs the poor behaviour. You said she had worked hard all year. That still stands.

Actually, it does sound as though you are looking for a way out!

[cdtaylornats]

Just make sure she never catches you out in a lie.

[gamerchick]

I think it sounds far enough to make her buy her own ticket.

However I would pop the cost of the ticket in her birthday card so she hasn't really bought it, just learned a
lesson.

[ancientbuchanan]

Am with shoot. Ask her what she would do in your place.

You don't want her to lie more than she would any way as Nick says.

[Suncreamandspades]

My twelve year old has no idea who they are and neither do I

[Suncreamandspades]

My dd is being awful so not the best person to advise but I think making her earn her ticket is fine. Making her pay for yours is harsh.

[Shadow1986]

Too harsh in my opinion.

You'd said she could have the tickets for her bday. But then said you wouldn't buy them until her project was finished, she was worried they might sell out, and knew she was going to get her project done anyway...

For me, I would have been annoyed, maybe sent her to her room to get her project done...that's it.

[LastingLight]

My DD is 13 and we've also had issues with lying. I would have responded the same way you did, you did not set her an impossible target.

[Emochild]

I'm actually looking forward to it don't tell dd though, she thinks i'm doing her a massive favour

Don't take your knitting -take your phone and mumsnet while you are there

[ShootTheMoon]

That sounds fair . There's no harm in showing teenagers that it's possible to reconsider gracefully.

[OccamsLadyshave]

Yes it's dan and phil!

Apparently eeeveryone's heard of them except me and eeeeeeveryone at school is going and she's been obsessed with them for aaaaages!

Thanks everyone on this thread for calming me down. I was in a bit of a rage earlier and I have conceded that I overreacted. She will have the opportunity to pay me in chores over the summer which will at least give her 10 mins a week away from the computer!

So all you other unwilling dan and phil ticket holders - would it be embarrassing if i took my knitting?!

[CardinalRed]

Not too harsh at all. In fact, if she really thinks that paying for the tickets by doing chores is the most appalling thing she's ever heard of, then it sounds like she needs to be helping out more around the home.

[lucjam]

I think it would be a bit mean to make her pay for your ticket. She should pay for her own but not yours. Annoying age limit isn't it. Gutted i had to accompany my dd who is perfectly capable of going with friends.

[lucjam]

I knew it had to be tickets to see phil and dan! My daughter is still paying off her ticket, can't say in thrilled about going either never mind that I have to pay for my own ticket. I think you are being perfectly fair and have offered a fair way out for her.

[Glitoris]

You sound controlling,to be honest.She has a track record of completing her work on time....according to both her schedule and the schools schedule.Just because she wasn't doing it at exactly the time you wanted her to,you threw a threat in.Not good,not kind,and not the way to treat an otherwise decent kid.No wonder she lied to you....I would have to.And what's this absolute nonsense about her paying for your ticket too???You know that doesn't happen in other families,don't you?

My Mother used exactly those sort of 'teaching' opportunites.Needless to say,we do not have a close relationship now...nor do my siblings.

[SoupDragon]

I would carry it through and then give her the money back.

[Emochild]

Is it dan and phil?

You have to let her see them

[OccamsLadyshave]

OK we've had another chat and I've told her I'm sticking to my guns on her ticket, but I won't make her pay for mine. It was £55 for both so that means she'll have to find £27.50. She'll easily find that. It might cut into her sweets budget for the summer holidays, but that's no bad thing.

Yes it was stupid of me in hindsight to not check, and to link it to what is a sort-of birthday present. It's not her main birthday present, as she's been asking all year for a laptop as a joint Christmas / birthday present so she'll still be getting that. I just said we'd call it a birthday present because I don't feel comfortable just randomly spending that much on her for no reason. It should have just been one or the other - birthday or a reward for hard work. I didn't really think it through.

Plus I'm really not normally harsh, which is why I'm doing so much handwringing about this! Thanks so much for all your help. It's hard to see things clearly when you're in the middle of it all.

[Starlightbright1]

I think the birthday present should have been no strings attached. I also think that the punishment should fit the crime...Grounding would be more appropriate as the whole purpose of lying was to see her friends..The fear of tickets selling out would worry me and I am a grown adult.

[Kaekae]

Harsh.

[babymouse]

Sounds fair. You are giving her the chance to buy them and the opportunity to work fairly easy extra jobs for the money.

Follow through, but next time don't link them to something she is unlikely to be able to follow through with.

[Backforthis]

You put homework conditions on a birthday gift?