My 15yr old son is ruling my life...

[HDEnuff]

Help. This is a nightmare. How do I start...?? To get to right here, right now would take ages!!! Brief and basic - single mum til son was 10, he's now 15. Partner (of 5 years) has secured a job elsewhere. This means moving. Yes, horrendous timing. New job wasn't expected to become available for another few years, and if he hadn't taken it now, it could have been 25-30 years before it came up again. I have put my life on hold to stay here until son sits his exams in the summer. He was so upset at the thought of moving I had to do something. We agreed that if he could just consider the idea of moving that we would stay here til the summer hols at least. Lasr weekend we were supposed to visit my parents for the weekend - family live some distance away. He texted me to say that he didn't want to go. I replied that yes he was. He then said he would not be home that night and that he'd be home Sunday. There was more. He would not be moving full stop, he'd had a meeting with youth services who were looking into getting him into a flat or hostel. Boom. 15. Now, please, he does not come from an under privileged home, he is very bright and I was once a teenager also. I contacted the school. He had been to see his guidance teacher, and yes, they had rang youth services, but she has not encouraged him to do so. We have had meetings with guidance staff at the school, but son remains mute. Last night I asked him to write down his grievances to make things easier for him. On reading his grievances, it would appear that not only does the entire world, but the whole solar system itself, revolves around my boy! I'm so proud. Basically life is better without my partner here, he hates him, I care more about him than my son, the best thing about home is leaving it. In fact, his only suggestion on how to make his life better is to allow his girlfriend to sleep over...!! I feel like he has me over a barrel.

[longtallsally2]

How do you make a 15 year old that doesn't want to move to a new home move to a new home? And if she can't make him, then what?

I think that you start listening, and acknowledging his feelings. He has had years of discussing this job and this move - he knows that it is important to you. But if you want him to let go of some of his negative feelings about it, you need to find time and space to sit down with him and listen to them. Acknowledge that he can't even imagine the prospect of leaving his friends. Acknowledge that he feels frustrated that he can't control the present, and make his family stay where he wants. Acknowledge that he is angry with you for choosing between your dps dream and your dss home. Acknowledge that he is angry because he doesn't think that you listen to him. Let him know that you hear him and that those feelings are real, and understandable, but that in life, sadly, bad things happen.

He loves his home town and friends. Great. Of course, he can move back there as a chef and spend the rest of his life there. But he has a family who love him too. It would be great if he could consider spending 2 years post GCSE living with his family on an adventure somewhere else. It's not forever, but it seems like that to him now.

People only move on emotionally, when they feel it is OK to do so, when they feel they have had the sympathy they deserve for the feelings they have got.

HT

[flow4]

Good post, sally. :)

[cory]

Brilliant post, sally.

[eddielizzard]

agree with longtallsally

[cory]

We were in a slightly similar situation a few years ago when I got a job offer abroad which was possibly my last chance of a career break (and also a chance to return closer to my own culture).

Dd was desperate to go because she had been through a very rough time and wanted a chance to reinvent herself. I thought the move would probably end up doing her a lot of harm (difficult to get medical treatment, hard to start with a new language and culture when you are emotionally unstable) and would make life very difficult for dh. In the end we didn't go.

And now even dd recognises that this was the right thing.

But I did need to take a lot of time to listen to her, to acknowledge her feelings, to put up with her bitterness and frustration without rising to it, to suggest other ways in which she could be helped and help herself, to accept that she was angry and that she was going to be angry for a long time and that I couldn't just expect that to stop to order.

Worth doing, every single moment of it. It was a good decision, we as adults had to make it and I am sure we are all happier for it, but by taking that extra little time over it we have also preserved the family more or less intact.

[Andro]

I'm getting confused here OP, is your son in y10 or y11 (you've mentioned GCSE's and fourth year...at least I think it was you who mentioned 4th year )?

[Oakmaiden]

I was wondering the same, Andro - is the son taking his GCSEs this summer, or summer '15?

[Andro]

I'm glad I'm not the only one confused Oakmaiden.

The thing is, this situation has the potential to be easier if he's in Y11 because there is a possibility of convincing him that a new collage will be advantageous for him with respect to 6th form/tech/etc. Y10 is a lot more problematic because he could be starting to take some GCSE exams this year, yet still have another year to do - that is then a nightmare of epic proportions because of different teaching/different order of work/assessed practical work not to mention the huge emotional upheaval.

[Oakmaiden]

Yeah - I can't help feeling if he is taking them next year a quicker move would be better... but if it is this year then obviously waiting til it is done.

Nightmare, though, for the poor OP, either way...

[Andro]

Nightmare, though, for the poor OP, either way...

Yes, although it could be argued that it's a nightmare for all involved (OP, her DP and her son).

[Oakmaiden]

Sure. I was just empathising with the OP because she is the one "here" if you see what I mean. :)

[Oakmaiden]

That is what I assumed to start with - and makes sense with the "we will move in June" thing - but then she said he was in 4th Year... Which confused me...

[HDEnuff]

Hi folks, we're in Scotland and he'll be sitting National 5s in May/June of this year.

[AgentProvocateur]

That makes a huge difference then, as we don't have sixth form colleges. He's still got 1, maybe 2, years left at school after this one. Is he planning on doing Highers next year? The higher curriculum usually starts in June, so if he were to move in the summer hols, even if his new school did the same subjects, they may have chosen different topics within.

Is there really no-one he could stay with in term time for a year?

[Oakmaiden]

Ah. Well in that case you are doing the right thing. It sucks for him, I am sure, but I do think that there are larger concerns than a teenager not wanting to move house. You have to do what you have to do.

Remind him he can always move back in a couple of years.

I am sorry it is so difficult at the moment.

[helenthomas]

Hi HDEnuff, I have read your story with a lot of interest. We are in a very similar position. We were going to move when my daughter was finishing year 8, due to start year 9 in the school in the area we plan to move to - we planned to move to where my partner currently lives. In the end we didn't move for all the reasons people gave above, and because we were concerned it was too upsetting for her, and her father also objected to the move which made it harder. We agreed to wait until she finished her GCSE's. She is due to finish secondary school this summer, she is 15. We have visited the area many times and she has an interview for the new college set up to start in September and we plan to move over summer. But she is still saying she doesn't want to go and it's ruining her life and doesn't want us to move. My partner and I have maintained a long distance relationship all this time, we have tried to find a way for him to relocate but it has not been possible to find work. There are better prospects in the new area and I would be able to work part time as we would be maintaining 1 home. I empathise with HDEnuff as I feel we did consider all of the objections and yet she still won't consider the move - which seems to dominate our life. It is really hard because they feel grown up but are still dependent on us, it feels like we have all the responsibility but not the authority to make the final decision. I'm sorry I don't have an answer, I just wanted HDEnuff to know you are not on your own!

[HDEnuff]

Thanks Helen, it is good to know we're not the only ones suffering! It is really hard. It's difficult enough being a teenager generally. You have hit the nail on the head when you say they feel grown up enough, and the responsibility/authority scenario is so true! My DS has again taken off to a friends, on Thursday night. His friends mother has offered him a room as a last resort. It is a possibility, and I have tried ringing her to talk. I don't know this friend or his mother, but I am concerned already as this is the second time he's walked out and gone there and she's never tried to get in touch with me!

[Rascalls3]

Gosh how times have changed. My parents moved to a different area just as I finished my O Levels. I certainly never felt I was in a position to object and never dreamed I had any other option other than to move with them. I am sure in 1979 I wouldn't have. Of course I made new friends and life moved on.
I find it hard to believe that social services will provide alternative (hugely expensive ) accommodation just because your son doesn't want to make this move and I definitely don't think you should have to split up you family to appease a 15 year old child. The mother offering your son a room really isn't being helpful.
My daughter's lovely 19 year old boyfriend had to relocate at 16. He too had a girlfriend and struggled to adjust to a new area and school more than 6hours away and was very down for at least a year, so it obviously can be very traumatic for some teens.
You are in a very difficult position op and you have my sympathies, but at the end of the day you are only moving 2hours away not half way round the world. Stick to your plans and try and keep the lines of communication open with your son ( not keen on the scooter idea though!! ) Good luck!

[HDEnuff]

Thanks Rascal. I know everyone has their own opinion, but it is nice to hear someone telling it like it really is. Hence the title of my problem... I don't believe my DS has an option, but he certainly believes he does. Difficult times. He's still resisting coming home. Finally spoke to his friends mother today... After the school rang her. Seems nice enough, but I really don't need someone giving him a bolthole for when things get too heavy. On the otherhand, it's good to know he isn't on the street! I can't win.

[Andro]

I think part of the complexity now come with the way schools manage the transition years, I had already started GCSE work in Y9 and A level work after finishing exams in Y10 because almost everyone who did GCSE at the school I went to carried on to do A Levels there. Starting at the school in the September of Y10/Y11/Y12 would have put any student at a massive disadvantage compared to their peers. An increasing number of schools seem to do this now, so unless you're moving to a college which is completely separate to a school a move during these years can have devastating consequences.

I too feel for you OP and hope you manage to get this sorted, maybe give him his space for a bit and don't push - I think that the more you push the less likely you are resolve this without major damage to your relationship with your son.

[HDEnuff]

Thanks Rascal. I know everyone has their own opinion, but it is nice to hear someone telling it like it really is. Hence the title of my problem... I don't believe my DS has an option, but he certainly believes he does. Difficult times. He's still resisting coming home. Finally spoke to his friends mother today... After the school rang her. Seems nice enough, but I really don't need someone giving him a bolthole for when things get too heavy. On the otherhand, it's good to know he isn't on the street! I can't win.

[HDEnuff]

Posted that again?! Couldn't have done it if I'd tried! Thanks Ando. Yeah, am really trying not to push him. He's coming home tonight after 4-5 days space. Just scared he's gonna take off again the next time I ask him to go somewhere with us (ie. his grandparents, his aunties, his uncles), just because he doesn't want to/has plans. This whole situation stemmed from him not wanting to go to his grandparents for the weekend. Because it was boring. Half of me wants to tell him to man up...

[HDEnuff]

Posted that again?! Couldn't have done it if I'd tried! Thanks Ando. Yeah, am really trying not to push him. He's coming home tonight after 4-5 days space. Just scared he's gonna take off again the next time I ask him to go somewhere with us (ie. his grandparents, his aunties, his uncles), just because he doesn't want to/has plans. This whole situation stemmed from him not wanting to go to his grandparents for the weekend. Because it was boring. Half of me wants to tell him to man up...