14 yo has no interests and opting out of everything

[Avago]

He was a very sporty boy until he dislocated his knee for a second time last year and now he refuses point blank to do any sport outside the timetabled school activities.

I don't blame him for being scared of it happening again, I've never seen anyone in that much pain and he received pretty poor hospital care but it worries that he is now opting out of life when it gets hard.

We still have a good relationship and after several long talks he said part of the problem is the shouting from the opposition / coaches - he hates conflict and being shouted at and the thought of going back to it after such a long break is too much for him. (He never complained when he actually was participating apart from when facing one particular team).

He used to have loads of friends but barely ever sees anybody now.

He does well at school - he's in the top classes for everything with little effort and seems happy enough just playing games on his laptop but I keeping seeing wasted months turning into wasted years and his inability to apply himself to anything worries me.

Any words of wisdom?

[craggyhollow]

She sounds lovely to her

I saw a private physio and she gave me a gym program with an associated personal trainer

May be no different but it felt more sporty and might appeal to a boy

[Avago]

No idea how much a Sports physio costs but would be willing to pay a fair bit to help him- not sure how different it would be to the paediatric physio he's been seeing though?

She has been great (I think) giving him a programme of exercises using increasing weights and therabands (?) and changing them every couple of weeks (beginning of Aug - Dec) She went into his school and spoke to teachers to allow him special access to the gym (not old enough to normally have the run of the cardio and weights gym) and gave him a program to do there too. She even offered a sports brace which I know is against the norm for teens to try and instil confidence but DS refused it.

I contacted her by email in the evening to let her know his knee had gone again even though he's been discharged and she replied almost immediately with sympathy and advice and and offer to squeeze him in for an appointment , I was amazed, if only his consultant cared even a fraction of that. She really gets that his mind is as screwed up as his knee which I love too.

How do you think a specialist sports physic could help? Im the unsportiest person going and clueless

[craggyhollow]

Poor him :-(

When I had my knee op I had months of gym strengthing exercises with a trainer

Really helped

Could you afford a private sports physio? Could really help him.

[TheLeftovermonster]

Hope he gets better soon!

I've been told that knees are particularly vulnerable during the teenage growthspurt.

[Avago]

Thank you all so much for all the replies.

Things have a taken a little turn for the worse because his knee has gone again, not dislocated but swollen and painful (he tried to kneel). Though he's been generally pretty lazy he has been so good at doing his physio exercises, I feel so bad for him.

So discussions on sports/ hobbies are well and truly off the agenda just now but please have and for all your responses, I really appreciate them.

[Etainagain]

I have exactly the same problem with my previously sporty Year 10 Dd. She's given up everything and spends all her time sitting on the sofa playing on her phone. School work seems to fine at the moment, but I do worry about the future. However, a slight glimmer of light is beginning to appear! I phoned the council to find out about the Duke of Edinburgh scheme and found one which runs in a local church. Then I got one of her friend's mums on board and we sent the two girls along together. It took a bit of persuading, but we explained how good DofE looks on CVs (have heard that faced with a pile of applications from straight A students, this can be a deciding factor when deciding who to interview). The first two weeks weren't great, they both moaned a bit, but now they are absolutely loving it. They've made new friends and are getting fresh air and exercise. Fingers crossed it will continue! I'm not really surprised that your son is reluctant to take up sport again given what he's been through with his knee. But this could be the gentle introduction he needs. Also, have you considered Police Cadets?

[TheLeftovermonster]

Generally it is not a bad thing to take it easy for a while, as all that fast growing can make them more fragile and injury-prone (and lazy!).

On the other hand, most teens need exercise. I'm desperate for DS to do more sport, as he is so much nicer to be around after he's had some exercise! I used to sign him up for different sports and he enjoyed them and did pretty well, but now that he is almost 14, he has to use his own (non-existant) initiative.

[Horsemad]

Would he consider refereeing OP? My DS2 who is very sporty & active is currently investigating this. Would keep him fit, earn him some cash and is good for their confidence!

My DS1 is like yours & does no exercise at all - is a complete game addict. He has never enjoyed sport although he did do lots of activities that have fallen by the wayside over the past 3 yrs (when he was 14 strangely enough!!)

[dozeydoris]

He's is perhaps too young, but taking my DCs to visit university open days opened their eyes to the fact that there is a future after school, where everything is organized for them. And most unis have good sports facilities.

Also I would start looking at police recruitment stuff, doesn't matter if he never joins, but there is def a fitness requirement now and recruitment is, I think, at an all time low so he will need to be good to get in, though DS doesn't need to know this. Also I think there is a fast track graduate entry, but, again, he will need to tick a lot of boxes.

But there are many careers within the police so perhaps he could start looking into what might be helpful in a future career. Helping at cubs?? Dealing with the public in some way?? Have looked online and info is sparse. The Met has most, perhaps try careers or even visit your local station.

[wordfactory]

OP, it's very common for boys of this age to start dropping out of theirt activities.

My DS stopped a sport that had been a huge part of his life. For him it wasn't injury (though it was taking a ludicrous toll on his body) just the sheer commitment expected. He'd got to such a high level that his coach wanted him to train most days and he just wasn't enjoying that.

About the same time, he dropped out of choir, which had also been a central part of his life. But his voice has started to break and it hasn't yet settled enough to place him back in.

Left to their own devices teenaged boys can become very passive, spending inordinate amounts of hours on their PS4s etc.

Fortunately, DS still plays footie for a local team. I do know what your DS means about the shouting. Some of the coaches and parents are absurd!!!!! You'd think each game was the Champions League final.

DS has also recently showed an interest in the gym. They can use the school's gym whenever they like and I know he goes there a few times a week.

He also does DofE. This is non negotiable at his school. You do cadets or DofE. No excuses.

Thinking about it, all my lot recently got new bikes and they cycle together most weekends. Would your DS like that? It's very low impact, I think.

And don't dismiss other interest apart from sport. Are there non-sporting activities he'd like? My DS loves to watch footie and goes regularly to see games. We also watch our team on the telly. It may not be healthy but it is an interest.

What about listening to music, my DS isn't, but some of his mates are complete music geeks.

[cory]

He reminds me a bit of my db who suddenly had to give up on his ideas of a music career due to a minor physical defect. The only way he could cope with the disappointment was to go cold turkey- he did not touch his instrument again until 20 years later when his son was old enough to start playing. The good news is he diverted his energies into something totally different and became a successful (and I think fulfilled) academic.

There are other ways than sport of keeping healthy and fit and active.

Can I also assure you that universities are not really all that interested in sport on the CV. What we want to see is an open and enquiring mind, somebody who will have interesting ideas and contribute something worthwhile to our seminars, somebody whose leisure activties show a genuine passion for the subject they are applying to study. The days when you could get into Oxford as a potential rowing blue are long past. Activities (or travel) that just say "I grew up in a certain environment" are of very limited interest to admissions.

It may be that it would be good for your ds to realise that he is not defined as a person by "his thing", that there are hundreds of things he could be doing and he would still be the same person.

[Craggyhollow]

You sound fab

[Avago]

I've offered gym membership of the brand new leisure centre down the road from the school which was refused. I think most of his friends are fairly committed time wise but could ask a parent or two rather than leave it to DS to enquire.

Most of his friends do football, some do martial arts/sports. Of his close friends one does football, rugby and golf, the other 2 do football and hold black belts in karate (he'd never join something like karate now because his peers are too advanced- if he can't compete he just won't do it, that's trait there since birth that I've given up on).

Tried rugby briefly at school and thinks all people who play are nutters (his brother plays now). Haven't suggested rowing - kayaking and sailing are out though.

[Craggyhollow]

What do other kids do

[MissScatterbrain]

Speaking as a rugby Mum, I would advise avoiding rugby - as a family we love the sport and the team spirit that comes with it but it is hard on those prone to injury.

As the mother of sports mad DC, I imagine that your son is feeling lost without football - not just the exercise, but also the feel good factor from team camaraderie and friendships with other players. He must feel left out now that he is no longer in the team.

Is rowing too weird? Re gym - maybe get a friend to go with him?

[secretscwirrels]

My hermit DS2 is my second probably why I'm less concerned than if he was my eldest.

DS1 dropped football and took up athletics. Athletics clubs always seemed to want him to compete and he really only wanted to do it for fun. Then he dropped athletics, mainly because he couldn't fit it around doing A levels, and took up running around local country roads which he can do when he likes.

DS2 however will play badminton if pushed and goes out on his bike now and then. That's all.

[Dollydishus]

Sorry for all typos. I meant DD I referred to.

And 'stars' should be activities! Don't know what happened there.

[Craggyhollow]

I do think he should build his confidence about his knee though

Would he do a gym session once a week with a personal trainer? Might be ££ but if he does nothing else it might be worth it

Just to improve confidence

[Dollydishus]

Not so much new hobbies taken up, but a widening of interests in other ways... Started watching the news, joined school debating club, I noticed he had a wider range of topics of conversation (this is my eldest Ds. Not the middlle DD I emerged to earlier).

I did feel exactly the same as you, esp about Uni applications etc, but if you read the boards on here about that, lots of people say that these stars really don't count for much.

[Craggyhollow]

Avago I see (girls admittedly as girls schiol) year 11s taking up running or competitive swimming every year

So it stands to reason they were doing something else until then and have newly taken it up

[Avago]

The more I look at the rest of the board the more I realise it's normal and I should be grateful for what I've got! (That's not meant to sound catty btw.)

I suppose I've the oldest child out of my group of friends part from the boys (young men) I mentioned who never dropped out of sports and Explorers etc and it put them in a great advantage when it came to uni applications etc. as well as making them sociable, fit, well rounded people. DS1's peers have yet to start dropping out of stuff - perhaps when they do it will all seem more normal

Were any other hobbies taken up when the old ones were dropped?

[CinnamonPorridge]

Avago, no, not the easiest thing. He does sound still scared because he wasn't taken seriously and lost faith in the docs. So when they tell him now it won't happen again he doesn't believe them.

Is it possible to have him checked over again? By a different consultant? Maybe he needs more reassurance from medical people and nothing anyone -however well meaning- says will make him lose his fear of it happening again. It does sound really sad if that is the reason he won't do sports despite wanting to.

[secretscwirrels]

Most teenage boys I know do seem to lose interest in sport though.
DS1 was mad on football, then athletics and rowing. He was never talented but really enjoyed them and played regularly up to about 16.
One by one he and his friends dropped the sports, football was the first to go at 14, athletics carried on until 16 and he still rows occasionally.
He swims now and then and does weights but doesn't have the passion for sport that he used to. I don't know any of his friends who still do much other than gym.
DS2 did all the above sports plus any other you could name, but never actually enjoyed any of them.