ds angry outburst - tramatised mum _ help pls

[summer68]

Hi I came to mumsnet to find someone to talk to and for advice.
My son had an angry outburst few days ago. He very rarely helps around the house, and if he is asked he will debate it until you wish you never asked. However a few days ago I asked him to mow the lawn -the debate began and I explained that it would be nice for his dd when he got home , as his dd wakes him every, makes him breakfast and usually drives him to college. My son then informed me he didn't care about anyone and launched into an angry tirade telling me I was mad and that It was my intention to wind him up. He then clapped his hands cm from my face congratulating me on winding him up. He then told me to Fxxx off . ( in hindsight I should have left then) I talked calmly to him but he began shouting again he told me to Fxxx off 4 more times. I then decided to confiscate his ipad but as I leaned down to pick it up he got me in a headlock and pulled me down. When he let go I was leaving the room( visibly upset and he called me a cxxt. He then shouted that I had created him and it was my fault he was angry. I am ashamed to say I replied that I had obviously made a mistake. This made him even madder and he launched after me and I just froze and he rained down lots of nasty words. He the smashed his ipad into a mirror and cracked it. He then left the house but I was left very shaken and upset.
When my dh spoke to him later, my son said that I had said something horrible and so he got angry. My dh ( I feel) can't believe that he was so aggressive and thinks I must have provoked his outburst. My Dd has encountered a couple of short outbursts but also thinks I must have provoked ds. I have been off work as I've been so tearful and distressed. However my son has been swaning around as if nothing happened ( except when his dad has spoken to him- then he becomes tearfull)- I hate to say it but I think he's playing his dad so he doesn't get into trouble. I have expressed this to my dh but I think he thinks I've gone crazy. Our dd has said she thinks he is stressed at college so my dh doesn't want to punish him - not wanting to push him over the edge.
I know I'll get honest feedback here. Any advice welcome. Thank you.

[summer68]

Dh in now will talk to him. Thank you for your support.

[gamerchick]

Do you think showing him this thread night help? Good luck.

[Buswanker]

My son had an outburst like this however he was verbally not physically aggressive.
After I had calmed down, like you I was very upset, I sat down with him and explained his punishment, that his behaviour won't be tolerated.
He had punishments no tv, Xbox, grounded, no treats.
I explained to him that not long from now if he acts a certain way then he will be punished as an adult eg be arrested, he cannot act that way at school, work, out in public or towards any person.
I think you need to have a zero tolerance for this kind of behaviour.

[Buswanker]

My son is 15.

[tobiasfunke]

I hope you get things sorted out and your DH and DS realises how serious the situation is.
Look after yourself.

[summer68]

Talked to dh and expressed my disappointment in his lack of support. He really seems blinkered still. I asked how he would feel if his brother did that to his mum? There was a slight emotion at this and he went off too talk to ds again. He got ds to do a bit of gardening with him and washed my car.
But later when dh popped out he bought ds a chocolate bar.
I needed some time to recover and find my anger ( as someone suggested)
It looks like I'm the one who needs to discipline my s.
I'm going to try and get back to work tomorrow to take my mind off it

Thank you to everyone who cared enough to reply to me - I found the support I needed here. X-Men

[summer68]

Not x men- just xx ( darn predictive text)

[Travelledtheworld]

Good luck.

[tobiasfunke]

I think your dh is behaving terribly. Almost worse than your son. Has your son apologised? What about the smashed ipad?
I don't think you should discipline your son yourself or he'll continue to see you as the baddie. You need to present a united front on this. Is your dh happy that your ds could do this to another person and end up in trouble with the police? He obviously doesn't care it's happened to you.

//www.mumsnet.com/teenagers/violent-behaviour

There are links from this page to parts of the forum where others have had the same problem.

Good luck.

[summer68]

Thanks Tobiasfunke, I'M working on my dh, I've realised that I need to get him to understand the seriousness of the incident first.
My son has not apologised - something I keep pointing out to dh.
It's the mirror that he cracked not his ipad ( it did read like it was his ipad)dh has told ds his has to pay for a new one.
I will check out the link you sent me. X

[flow4]

I'm sorry you have experienced this, summer. I have experienced the same from my son, starting around the same age. It's domestic violence, and I suspect it's more common than people think. DV is taboo in any case, and women often feel guilty and responsible for being hurt even when it's an adult partner; but when it is your own child, I think very many mothers feel it must be their own fault. I know I did, for a long time.

I don't have a partner and my DS's dad is not around. I would have felt very, very let down in your situation. I think I'd be letting DH know that this is a make-or-break situation: I couldn't stay in a relationship with someone who effectively condoned violence against me. :(

If it ever happens again - if your son ever hurts you or makes you feel unsafe - don't hesitate: phone 999. The police were really good when I called them, and the third time it happened, officers advised me to have him arrested and charged with assault, and were very clear it was DV. Things were difficult then for a while - my son was still outraged I'd "had him arrested" - but he was never violent towards me again.

[TiredDog]

My friend experienced this. It was gripped bruised arms to start with, clapping in the face(yes!) then punching.

She sought advice for ages. Her DH was ineffectual and empathetic to the son. In the end she was advised by children's workers to call the police Better for the son to realise it was a crime whilst he was a child than to do this as an adult and have a conviction

Your DH may be empathising with your son but he is effectively saying you don't count. Get him to see the two issues can be tackled at the same time. At the moment he sees it as one or the other.

[summer68]

Hi I just want to let you know what happened next.. unable to get my dh to support me I finally followed one of the suggestions from this thread and Packed my bag and informed dh I was going away for a while as It was clear I was expected to deal with this on my own. This made dh sit up and take notice. He immediately spoke to our ds. My son finally apologised to me and we had a long discussion ( ds didn't remember hurting me) he asked to see a Dr about his anger problem-his friends have told him he has a problem.
He's seen a Dr (he asked me to talk to the Dr first and explain) he is now getting help and I'm pleased to say he has been much better.
Thank you again for the support and advice!

[RantinEminor]

Just read the whole thread and wanted to say I am glad it worked out but particularly glad you stuck to your guns and didn't let it slide. You did what was best for you AND for your son.

[Lancelottie]

Summer, I'm cheering for you. Currently trying to get my own DS (17) help with anger problems so it's great to hear that you and your family seem to be getting through this.

[xCupidStuntx]

Have just read this thread not realizing it was from September, I'm SO pleased it's getting sorted!

[stopiwannagetoff]

It was a brave thing you did. It's not easy. So glad you got it sorted. And that your son is getting help. Anger is a huge problem with boys it seems.

My son has been angry since he was a toddler - he expects to be able to to anything in the world at his first try. At 13 he bites his own arm when in a rage so that he doesn't lash out at anyone else. We talk all the time about it as he can be very reasonable a lot of the time. Whenever I've tried to get help for him he plays it down and because he is so articulate and can talk intelligently about his anger - the health professionals think they've got somewhere with him. I think he is self-harming and has a belief about himself that's not exactly positive. I can't drag him to the counsellor and he won't see pastoral care at school and I don't blame him: they have a glass waiting room next to the main corridor and don't see that as a problem.

[Thumbwitch]

So glad I realised there was more than one page to this! Was going to post how horrified I was that your DH was letting you down so badly, but then read your update.

Thank goodness it has been addressed more appropriately now! Does your DH at all acknowledge how undermining his behaviour was? Your DS would have gone through thinking that he could get away with that and no one in authority (as he clearly doesn't respect yours, sorry) is going to do anything to him, what an atrocious lesson for him!

I'm glad he's getting into anger management, but I would say to you that if he ever does anything like that again, call the police on him, otherwise he will just continue (my BIL is a little like this and it took until he was 37 before he played up badly enough for my MIL to actually call the police herself)

[Claybury]

Have a look at the website empoweringparents.com
I found some of the teen articles helpful for teen behaviour.

[mulranno]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1599899-Is-being-an-avoider-a-marriage-deal-breaker

This is my story -- which I have posted on relationships today. I am still in a state of shock about what has happened to me. I will now call the police.

[mulranno]

So sorry I did not mean to hijack this thread - I just wanted to reflect that I am going through the same thing - abuse by a teenager and a husband siding with son. Summer68 I just wanted you to know that I am really pleased that this is resolved for you.

[Palika]

Summer, I am truly disgusted by your dh - I don't think I could ever forgive this - for me that would be it - divorce. Hope you'll make your right decision - don't be victim!!!!

[mulranno]

I have since called the police to report the assault. They will come to my home on Friday at 8am and then decide when and how to deal with my son. I am still furious with my husband 2.5 weeks later for his part in this. that has been the biggest blow for me. I will progress to divorce.

[summer68]

Thank you for your messages - it's really good to know I can find such great support here.
Mulranno I will read your post now...
It's still early days with ds, found out a whole lot more problems - hopefully I'll get answers here.
Xxx

[flow4]

Summer, I take my hat off to you: what you did was brave and shows a really healthy self-respect. I am so glad your DH stepped up, and that you got an apology from your DS. :)