Ds has stolen my credit cards

[sadsong]

I've been quite ill following surgery and been bed bound for a week. Ds went away to his dads on Friday. I looked on my iPad today and found in banking 3 transactions I didn't recognise. Totalling £68. It had sent my cc over its limit. I immediately paid the £68 so card wasn't over limit and found out after several phone calls to banks and Microsoft. As stated x box live on each transaction. To cut a long story short I have found with help of my ex h and current h that ds has stolen 3 credit cards and taken money to the total of £204 to my knowledge. We believe that is all. It has sent 2 cards over the limit. Meaning my experience report will be affected and I will incur additional charges.

I don't know if this is a one off. Or whether its been ongoing for some time. I'm so disappointed and furious. I don't know how he thought he'd get away with this.

I'm most annoyed about my experience report as we are trying to get a mortgage and I'm so careful not to damage my credit rating by always making payments in good time and never going over limits.

So my first thought is the x box will be sold and any games to go towards the cost. He is at his dads until Friday and Xbox already confiscated. And then a boring summer of jobs but is this going to make him resort to stealing again?

What else do I do and what on earth do I say lying and stealing are pretty major in my book. He claims he got the idea from dss but we checked dss Xbox and no sign of the same thing.

[NanaNina]

Ah I think you have come very close to the reasons behind both boys stealing sadsong and I did wonder about the step parenting issues, as I have been through this myself many years ago, both being a step parent (though not full time) and my partner being the step-dad of my son by a previous relationship.

It sounds like both your son and your dss (and I must congratulate you for your fairness with your step son, as you sound very principled) feel that the other is getting more than them. And in a way they are, because dss is favoured by your Dh but rejected b his mother) and your son is aware of this so may feel rejected and your dss will know you care for more your own children. I wonder if your children have a goo r/ship with their father.

I think the dynamics in the family are the root of the stealing. So maybe that's where the focus needs to be, in acknowledging things openly between you all as a family, although you seem to have done pretty well on that front already. The fact that you have been so ill has not helped as you say.

Time for some straight talking I think, but on the issue of the feelings of the young people and how they feel about their position in the family , rather than anything like the police. I think you sound very sensible and I'm sure these problems will be ironed out in time.

[sadsong]

Thanks for your insight nana nina, my inclination is not to call the police but I've told the boys I am undecided. I do need to know exactly what is missing and I will have to go back to the start of the Xbox live almost a year ago. As previously mentioned the only time I asked for help/guidance with the children is misfired quite catastrophically.

Recent problems aside onlookers would say I do amazingly. You wouldn't think that from this thread. But we've had a really difficult patch. I would add weve been through far worse though. We will get through it and when I'm well things will improve ten fold.

The problem here is dh really. And the reason I know for the recent spate of problems has been because I've not had my finger on everything in the way I usually do. I've been very ill and surgery 10 days ago. I can't move very fast at all. When I'm distracted certainly my dc flounder. Quick background story. Dh had his own dc when I met him. We'd been together a year and dss mother refused to have him anymore. I found him a school place and he's been with me and dh and my dc for nearly 4 years. He doesn't like me very much I don't think. Because he's still very loyal to his mum which is understandable. But he does know where he stands with me. i think im the only one in his whole life whos ever been consistent. I can assure you I treat them all fairly. Primarily my dc thought I loved him more than them because I bent over backwards to welcome him into the family. But they are all very aware now that as much as dss's home is with us, and of course I care he's ok, it is different and the bond I have with my dc is different. They all know that.

What they also know is that dh will give into dss invariably even when he's been in huge trouble at school. They don't think it's fair as I'm really consistent. I bring dh up on it but he hates me suggesting it. Every time he brushes it off. The other problem is dss mother. For instance when dss got drunk 2 wks ago, I was desperate for dh to call her and inform so she was aware. I couldn't imagine not knowing about my dc. But after 2 days of trying to get through to her, she just laughed and said well kids will be kids. We all did silly things. That wasn't the point though was it.

My ds was very shy before dss came into our lives so in many ways he's been a good influence. Ds is much more confident now which is great. Some of this is usual teenage behaviour and some might not be. I agree.

My ds's behaviour has deteriorated in the last half term. And this is mirrored by my back seat position in parenting due to being ill. This will not be the case in a few weeks. We just need to get through the summer without too many more instances.

Some of these problems I know all parents go through but quite often they only have one teenager. I have 3, dss sandwiched in between my ds and dd. 9 months either side. So this is a challenge. They are all going through the same emotions puberty and problems at the same time. We went through the angry stage with both boys a year or 2 ago and now we are onto this one. Another stage.

Someone up thread suggested set chores each week for ds, so we've implemented this and he also has a set of daily he has to do. He has a list in his room so I don't have to keep nagging him. He accepted this perfectly. He's very relieved not to be grounded for the whole of the summer. I've asked why? But he just says I don't know. He wasn't cross or upset with me, just thought he could get away with it.

[NanaNina]

So sorry you have had such trouble sadsong but I honestly think all this talk of police involvement is not the way to go. I think a lot of teenagers steal from their parents. I did when I was about 15 and that was 50 years ago but I still feel guilty. I was stealing quite large amounts £5 notes (which was a hell of a lot of money back then) so my dad must have known, but I was never challenged by my parents. I can't remember why I did it - I was the youngest of 3 girls and I think I thought my older sisters had more money than me (which they did as they were older) and that was what made me do it, but I can't be sure.

On occasions I have admitted this to friends and to my amazement they too stole from parents in their teens. I think there is a motive behind stealing (and lying to cover up) and I am wondering about the dynamics in your family with your son, dss and another teenager (sorry can't remember if that is a step for you or your dh) maybe your son feels that he isn't getting enough time/attention/money than the other teenagers. I know this might sound a "soft" thing to say but I was a social worker for 30 years and dealt a lot with families in crisis and stealing and lying were very common in teenagers (and younger children) and they had no idea why when confronted. These kids definitely weren't getting enough of anything, emotionally or financially as their parent(s) always put their own needs first. I am not suggesting this is the case in your family of course.

Ah I've just remembered my own son (aged about 11) as far as I can remember stealing from my purse (a tenner I think) and he admitted it straight away when challenged and I read him the riot act but then he started to say how he thought me and his step dad cared much more about his younger brother than him, and the light dawned upon me. He didn't do it again but I was glad he'd been able to tell me that he thought we cared more about his younger brother, which wasn't the case, but in step families I think there is always room for someone to feel "pushed out" or someone being "favoured" over the other etc etc,

Please don't think of involving police. They will just put the frighteners on the boys and make things worse. I think you all as a family need to sit down together and see if you can get the boys (and girl) if there is one to talk about how they feel in the family - about their position. This isn't going to be easy because teenagers aren't given to discussing their emotions, but I honestly think it's the best way forward. You might then move on to why they have to steal. I don't think you should let them off but understanding why they did it is the first step..............and the aim is to stop the stealing and lying. I also agree with whoever said "don't ask them if they have stolen such and such" because they will possibly deny it, just say "I know you have stolen x" and of course keep money and credit cards out of their reach.

[sadsong]

Yes it has been for now of course sorry that probably sounded muddled. But in the future they won't be on it after 9 at all. We've let it lapse a bit.

[BlehPukeVomit]

Blimey, I wouldn't be letting them go on the Internet for now. That would be the first thing I would remove as a punishment.

[sadsong]

They've all come home now from a week away in the other parents house. So my dc at my ex and dhs dc and his ex.

Ds has not been alone in doing this. Dss has been doing it too. Dss confessed. Dss has been told that x box live is cancelled and when I have gone through the 30 different credit cards and bank statements I will find out how much has gone missing. This has been a joint effort. Although dss claims only to have stolen from his dh. There's a bit of ironic loyalty there I'm sure. If he has done it to the same extent then his x box will be sold too.

It was brought originally to light by the sheer volume in a space of a week. I now need to go over a years worth of bank statements. Dss is a year younger than ds. Dss is in trouble at school a lot. Quite often on report and last year up to 40 behaviour points in a single term. So aS much as yes ds did wrong so has dss. Ds has always been a sheep and if he saw dss getting away with it then I can see why he was tempted.

Dh has always been too soft on his dc and I have allowed him to deal With all our dc because I've been too ill. But no more. I've always been a better disciplinarian and its about time I got my back bone going again and laid down how it's going to be from now on. I really don't care if they don't like it. That's it.

I've told both boys I haven't decided regarding the police and I will be spending the next week wading through statements.

9pm curfew is now in place for Internet on every appliance.

[KatieScarlett2833]

I called the Police. She never stole another penny again.

[PeterParkerSays]

I really wouldn't get bogged down in discussing small amounts with him. total up how much has gone in the last year, from bank statements etc, and start a conversation "I know that you have stolen £320 from us in the past year. That is enough to (go on holiday, buy a new sofa - pick a relevant example). Tell me why I shouldn't call the police."

I know you say that you don't want to call the police, and you wouldn't if it was just the £5 change not handed back to his dad, but altogether this is serious amounts of money.

you say that DSS is doing this as well - sorry but I think this might be a family counselling job. What levels of mutual respect are not there that your kids repeatedly steal from you?

[Ledkr]

Make sure he knows that although you don't want to get the police involved that it is still fraud and if the cc company found out they would probably involve police.
It's really bad that he's done this at such a young age.
Let's hope it doesn't lead to other bigger crime.
My 16 yr old used to steal from us for cannabis.
When he cashed a cheque for 200 pounds I asked him to leave.
He went to the YMCA for a few weeks while he learnt his lesson.
Never stole again.

[HoikyPoiky]

You need to get additional security on your credit cards such as Lloyd TSBs
Clicksafe or 'Verified' by Visa.

[Greenkit]

Why not report to the police and have him arrested, or if you dont want to go that far, ask the local beat manager to come and speak with him about the implications of his actions

[sadsong]

Dss has just come home and admitted to stealing £68 previously doing exactly the same thing. His live account is going to be suspended. I will be going through all statements over the last year.

[sadsong]

Er no substance abuse what so ever. I might be ditsy and leave my handbag money lying around but I know the signs for that. He's gone at 5. The thing is although I've divulged what had happened I think his dss has done similar previously, but not to the same extent. So as much as ds gets the repercussions of £204 plus charges bill. He's not the only one.

Mostly I can rely on him. I was a single mum for a long time and he was my rock. He gets on with dh but everyone hates dss. He's pretty vile to everyone. It might be a backlash to that if anything.

But there is no excuse what he's done is wrong beyond wrong.

However dss has had chance after chance so much trouble in school. Got drunk with his friends last week. The list is endless.

There will be new house rules for all.

[zippey]

What a nightmare. I don't have any right answers, only suggestions. If he is mature and aware, like you say, what about sitting down with him and asking him to suggest appropriate punishment for what he has done. It might make him think about his actions more. Also, think about agreeing future punishments for similar or bad behaviour, so if it happens again, he knows what to expect. If you make a note and get him to sign it, you can whip it out if he complains.

I also wouldn't all have it go one way. Maybe ask him if there are any changes you can make to stop the triggers for him doing it again.

Also, is there any indication of peer pressure or substance abuse?

[Tortington]

X box is the worst invention ever - sell it/give it away. do not have another games system in the house

Grounding serves only to punish you - not them, I think selling the xbox will be punishment enough

[raskolnikov]

Hi sadsong

I really feel for you.

Its a situation I'm only too familiar with. My ds, 21, took cash from my purse and used my debit card to take cash from my bank a/c 3 years ago. He denied all knowledge but in the end I spoke to the bank who suggested speaking to the fraud prevention officer locally. Before doing so I told him what I was about to do and said once the matter was in the police's hands, I couldn't stop whatever action they decided to take and that if it was him that took the money, he should admit it to me rather than wait for the police to check CCTV etc. He admitted it and eventually worked off the 100's of £ he had taken from me. He's always had an appalling attitude to money, currently at uni and spending way beyond his means.

I think originally it was a reaction to his Dad and I splitting up, but I am still very frustrated at his attitude - he shamelessly uses people when he needs things and borrows off everyone he knows. I am aware that he has taken money from me and his Dad recently and am frankly at my wits end - it upsets me greatly that he could continue to do this. I am on the verge of telling him to move out but it wouldn't be the first time that's happened and I hated the effect it had on my other DCs and I then.

[sadsong]

I worry I might be opening a larger can if worms with the police. My my experience I've never found any authority any support what so ever. But glad of all your views.

[Springcleanish]

Do you have PCSO's linked to the school or town? I'd ask them to come around and have a chat with him, ours are quite happy to do this sort of thing, and once they've met youngsters they always greet them when out and about, it's a clear reminder to the teens that they can't do whatever they want.

They won't arrest or press charges unless you actually report it, but ours like to chat with teens over things like this as it often nips it in the bud before it becomes a reported crime.

[sadsong]

Actually I do know a couple of police officers from my distant past! Ill ask him what he would suggest.

[sadsong]

I know I'm nieave but what does a liaison officer do? I'm beginning to think you might have a point. But I don't want him to have a permanent record at this stage.

[HoikyPoiky]

It does sound quite extreme and not like a one off.

Perhaps you could phone your police liaison officer???

[sadsong]

If I knew a friendly police officer id jump at the chance of a scare tack tick. But I don't want him ending up with an asbo for this. There doesn't seem to be a happy medium. Apart from the stealing lying bit doing his homework situ, he is a fairly well balanced child mostly, well liked and kind to others, not ever in trouble at school except homework.

He starts his gcse courses in September it's going to be a bug shock!

[Roshbegosh]

mrsduvall has a point, not that I have any answers but you know your DS, will he just push and push until he hits a boundary? Maybe best to bring the boundary forward and save your family grief. Does he take you, DH or his father seriously?

[Mrsrobertduvall]

Fair enough...but he seems to have done a fair bit of thieving. Not just one occasion.

[sadsong]

Mrsrobert I do know other parent friends who have experience this and none have phoned the police. I agree sanction is in order but do think that's a step too far at this stage. Although I will stress to him I'm within my rights to do so.