I really hope this doesn't turn in to a flaming. Please believe me, I have worked hard at this, not only to look after him but to be a great mother. We have had DN living with us since he was 12 (the same year I had a baby). Over the past 3 years we have come a very long way. He was refusing school and now he is top set everything. DH (his uncle) does not get very involved because he is working very hard and I have officially given up on that score. THe problem is he just wants me around all the time, he follows me around the kitchen, literally between the sink and the hob and I can tell he is looking for topics of conversation which breaks my heart. In the evening after I've put DS to bed, I eat with him (DH still working at this time) and then I just want to go upstairs and watch something on my laptop but I know he's downstairs wanting company. If I go downstairs and as soon as he hears footsteps on the stairs he comes out of his room. He has no mother or father. He is obsessively attached to this granny (my MIL, seriously, don't ask how that situation works). Previously he painted a very bleak picture of our family life to her in their nightly telephone calls, and to be fair to him we were fairly tough on him at first, we had to be, he was behaving very badly at school, but I worked so hard to connect with him, cooking him lovely food, helping him with his schoolwork, trying to show him he could trust me (hideously undermined by MIL at every step). Now I feel like he needs me to fill the emotional gap. There is no therapy (I have had a couple of sessions but they all just say, you're doing great, it was never going to be easy). I know he's downstairs now but I need some time on my own, DS is 3 and all over me all day plus I work from home. I feel guilty because I know that if he were my 'son' I would probably love to be curled up on the sofa watching a film but the interaction I have with him is difficult sometimes.
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Thanks so much for all your posts, I am thinking hard about the excellent suggestions here. Some of them are quite far out of my comfort zone (the letter, for example) but I'm sure that's a good ting. I'm particularly grateful to those who remember my story from the beginning 
It's important to note too, that I'm not certain I'm his primary carer - I think for DN that's still granny. He talks to her every night on the phone (she told me he has literally never failed to call her in the 3 years he has been with us). He used to call her all the time, long and difficult calls where she could not get off the phone while he told her how awful we were. Lots of promises to call him back, etc. etc. Once we took his phone away as a punishment for something he did and he was literally hysterical, it quite frightened me (we gave it back right away, obviously). Now it is just a quick goodnight call before he goes to sleep. Her role in all this is huge. FOr example, he would never stay with us for Christmas, and told me so, because we're not his real family. Obviously that hurt, but I try to keep my own feelings out of it and just be up-beat and fun with him. He also refused to come to the register office when we got married last week. It was a big party and all his family were there (inc granny, sister, grandfather, etc.) - I told him I was hurt he didn't come (i didn't realise he hadn't come until we were already there. I expect it was granny's doing (she is more a 'don't if you don't want to' kind of person than a 'come on, it'll be fine). Generally though he has a brilliant sense of humour and is a great kid with lots of interests (film, architecture, painting). I encourage and fund all his interests.
We had one session with CAHMS (just me and granny went). It is such a complicated situation. They focused on the fact that he was eliciting rejection responses from me and I had to say that he has managed this at times. But I do have to have boundaries for this situation. I have made it clear that really bad behaviour (such as teaching DS to say shit, swearing at me, slamming the door in my face or calling me stupid, etc.) will not be tolerated. I thought it was better to be clear about that, out of self-protection. I basically said that if he couldn't manage to work towards that, albeit that we all fall down sometimes, then he couldn't live here. CAHMS saw this as quite bad. But really, it is true. If he had noone I wouldn't have said it, but he has a home with granny whenever he needs it.
He has really good friends, for the first time in his life, they are a very good influence too, all nice, hard-working kids.
DH has just offered to take him skiing with his brother (I have other threads about getting DH's DB through rehab - oh yes, I have taken on the whole family 
) so that could be good. It will be term time but worth it I think.
This post is getting quite long. I haven't posted about this situation for a long time, but it does really help and is my only form of support. Thanks guys.
Flow4 I am digesting your post and will formulate some thoughts. thanks so much.
pussollini, I think you are being hard on yourself; and I also think that the few posters who are being hard on you cannot have had much experience of a demanding teenager.
I love both my boys very much. I quite often do not like DS1, who has behaved very, very badly over the past couple of years, and can still be a pain. I delight in the company of DS2 most of the time, who is clever and articulate and funny. And yet... Every single evening after we have sat down and eaten a meal together, I need half an hour or sometimes more by myself - I really need it - or I get grumpy and shouty and cannot cope with them at all.
Luckily for me, they go off of their own accord (almost always) and amuse themselves. If they hung around me, demanding more of my attention than I could give, I think know I would not cope.
I get a bit stir-crazy if they are ill, too. The more clingy they become, the more I want to pull away. I know it comes from the fact that I am a single parent, and there isn't anyone around to share the care and attention, and sometimes I just reach 'overload'. I do feel a bit guilty, but I also accept that I'm only human: if you are giving and giving most of the time, there does come a point (in each day) when you are just emotionally tired, and you need to re-charge your batteries.
I agree with those people who are saying he is probably insecure and overly-demanding because he's afraid you're going to leave him too. Poor boy. And poor you, too. If he was secure, he wouldn't be hanging around you all the time. It isn't normal. But then, you always knew this wasn't going to be a normal situation.
All the ideas about telling him you'll stick with him no matter what are good ones. He probably needs to hear that. But also, I wonder whether he needs more practice at you going away and coming back to him... I wonder whether you are the person who so far, is always there - are you at home most of the time - the person who he comes back to, but who rarely goes out/away? He probably doesn't experience you 'going away' very often, and given his background, he is understandably afraid that if you do, you may not come back...
I actually think that it is probably very good for him that you go into your room each evening for a while by yourself. It will be hard for him, and it will make him anxious - but each time you do it, and then come back, it will become a little bit easier, because he is 'practising' losing you temporarily, and he is facing his separation anxiety.
I am on very tenuous ground here - not offering advice, but speculating based on my intuitions and experience... But I would suspect that because you feel guilty about leaving him alone, you may be giving him subtle signals that feed his anxiety. Unconsciously he will be wondering why you might be acting guilty... Could it be because you are not coming back? Or because you are planning to leave him soon? 
I would suggest that if you can leave him more deliberately and cheerfully, saying something upbeat each time like "Right, I need a bit of time to myself now! See you in half an hour!" he may well begin to find it easier quite quickly, because you will be signalling to him that it's perfectly normal and fine for you to withdraw for a while, and that you're coming back. :)
I may be wrong... As I say, this is just my intuition... But it might be worth a try :)
myself, dh and ds1 (not ds1's dad) had a few family therapy sessions last year which were incredibly helpful, which may be something to consider?
also ds1's df (my exh) died when he was 5. he had 2 sessions with cruise at the time, and then when he was 12 ish he went back and had weekly sessions for about 6 months. the therapist told me that as children grow older and their emotional range expands they grieve over again. also I found out that ds1's greatest fear was something happening to me (which is hardly surprising).
the therapist also referred ds1 to a programme run by student volunteers for children in similar circumstances, which basically did outdoors 'stuff' with them is abseiling, canoeing or arty stuff which really helped with self confidence.
it sounds to me as though your dn is afraid that something is going to happen to you, and that his response is to cling to you.
so I would suggest:
you investigate whether cruise offer child therapy. your dn probably needs to express his fears and emotions, and help to address these with a qualified councillor.
you need to talk to your dh about just doing something for yourself ie local book group, going swimming etc.
maybe get dn to help out more with your ds - he could be feeling a bit of an 'outsider' and needs to be given more responsibility within the family.
think about family therapy for sometime in the future. it's a lot easier to express yourself when there is an independent person there who questions why you are making the choices etc in neutral territory.
you dn could also be worried about his future, in terms of what he wants to do, where he wants to go, whether he'll always have a home with you etc.
good luck 
This reply has been deleted
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This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Ledkr I was thinking similar but not necessarily an attachment disorder, more just issues with attachment. A disruption in carer at that age can impact a child's development significantly. Your dn sounds insecure, possibly lonely, and in nes of reassurance that someone cares enough. The fact that he was sent to you 3 years ago after experiencing loss as a baby could really be affecting him.
Children who have issues with attachment need to know that they are worthy, they need to feel that someone cares enough to spend meaningful time with them. He needs to know that if things go wrong again he won't be moved again 
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