12yr old has accused DH of hitting him.Not True!

[PanicStrickenWife]

I have namechanged here for obvious reasons.
My son has told school that the bruise on his hip was due to my DH hitting him on Sunday, and that DH hurts him all the time! The bruise was from him hitting his hip on the leg of the dining room table after he had sneaked down at 10pm to play the Xbox and DH had found him, DH tried to get him out by shaking the chairs and then attempting to pull him out by his arm, but he never hit him. Also said DH had injured him last week, when DH had grabbed his arm to stop him hitting his brother with a metal loft pole! Now, of course, SS have been called and it is being investigated. DH is mortified, DS is now upset, and has said he just wanted to get DH into trouble as he's always telling him off, and hadnt realised it would become this serious. His brother iambic also extremely upset, thinking DH is going to get taken away.
I know DH is having a real problem controlling his temper with DH as he is really pushing the boundaries at the moment, shouting, swearing, throwing things, slamming doors, and going all out to deliberately upset and hurt his brother who is a year younger. I know this will go down on record, even if he admits tomorrow it was all made up and exaggerated, and, of course, there is also the possibility of them thinking the original accusation was the correct version, and we had pushed him into changing his story. What should we do, any advice at al'll?

[PanicStrickenWife]

It all kicked off again tonight, I wouldn't let DS1 go over to his friends tonight, as he hadn't done his homework or finished his chores. It was also 7pm, and dark!
He started shouting, screaming and yelling how he was going to tell SW who is coming here on a home visit tomorrow how we abuse him and deny him basic human rights!
He was deliberately taunting his dad, throwing things, poured hand cream on the carpet, and then hit me. I was desperately trying to keep DH away, as I didn't want him provoked into any adverse reaction that could possibily be used as ammunition. DH was losing it in the other room, and DS2 was crying uncontrollably. This went on for 2hrs, until I finally had enough, and went and packed a bag for DS1, and said, OK, you want to pull this family apart, telling loads of lies and threatening us whenever you don't get your own way, if you think your life with us is so bad, I have packed for you, ancient you tell the school that you want to be removed to a place of safety!
He finally calmed down at 9.30 and went to bed, but we cannot live our lives like this, treading on eggshells iand be scared to discipline our children in any way in case he reports us to SS!

[Thumbwitch]

If he hits you, you call the police.

[Thumbwitch]

Sorry, pressed post too soon!

He is using wild threats to try and get his own way and deliberately provoking you (obvious) - but when he assaults you, he goes way too far and you must consider calling the police so he understands that he has gone way over the line.
Packing his bag - good idea; is there anyone you know who has been "taken into care" or gone for temporary fostering? It's not all Byker Grove and Tracy Beaker - he could do with a wake-up call, I'm sure. [showing my age with Byker Grove there! Doubt that's still on...] Although I think Tracy Beaker shows a bit more of the downside as well, doesn't it?

[EmmaNess]

Can you film him as he's kicking off, then play it back to him later so he can see what he looks like/how he's coming across? It may jolt him into behaving better.

You could either quietly hit record on your phone and leave it on the side so he doesn't know or do it completely overtly, which is likely to piss him off even more but at least you'll have a record of it to show SS if you get him making threats to report you to them.

The aim of it should be to play back to him at a quieter time to get him to realise what he's doing.

[PanicStrickenWife]

emma - I did this today, he saw and this made things worse! He spent a good 20 minutes trying to wrestle my phone off me.
thumb - no, we haven't any example of anyone to give him an example of how it would be in a temp foster home, I think he feels that it would be free of any parental rules!
Things have been so much better over the last week, he has talked with his friends at school, and they are being mature and giving him a chance, he had buckled down at school and been helpful around the house, but the first time he wants to break the rules and we don't comply, it all kicks off again. My poor DH was almost in tears tonight as I shouted at him not to interfere as I am so scared he would mark DS whilst trying to control him as he was becoming so aggressive, and this will be show.
I just hope the SW who comes tomorrow will understand the problems we are having with DS, and how hard we are trying to cope with him, I can't see how our relationship will survive with this hanging over our heads on a constant basis, and a son we have no control over, we have been fretting over this for 10 days now, and DH is near the end of his tether, and I am struggling to eat, sleep or concentrate on anything.

[constantnamechanger]

is he being abused? sorry to be so blunt but massive and sudden behaviour changes can be a symptom

[flow4]

I know it's easier said than done panic, but try not to worry too much about SS. They will be very used to young people behaving just like your DS, and they are very experienced at distinguishing between abused kids and 'difficult' ones.
They will, like constant, ask questions to check out the possibility that your DS might be being abused. Constant is right that sudden behaviour changes can be a symptom... But they're also a symptom of turning into a teenager ... SS know that.

[PanicStrickenWife]

No - defiantly not! I work 2 days a week, but mostly school hours, they have an hour after school on those 2 days where they go to my neighbour, who has 4 kids herself, and is totally trustworthy. I am home with them both more than DH, and we have no one else who stays here with them. DH was abused as a child, and he has a horror of anything like that happening to his boys, and so, if anything, in the past we have given in too easily on minor behaviour issues and they have both been a bit spoiled. This all kicked off not long after he started Yr7 and High School. It is as if we have suddenly got a different child in our home to the one we have had for the past 11yrs.

[middleeasternpromise]

No you dont have a different child on your hands you have one who is used to getting his own way but now hes older the stakes are higher - he wants things you now know it isnt appropriate to agree to. However where you maybe havent being say no before or setting boundaries he is extremely confused about why you have suddenly stopped letting him have what he asks for. Lots of parents who are very caring about their children make the mistake of giving in alot when their children are younger and then expect that their children will understand when their requests are unreasonable. If they have learnt that when you say no, a bit of badgering/crying/stropping can turn that no into a yes - then thats how they understand things will work. When it was about toys, sweets and bed time perhaps you felt it was alright to give in a little bit if there wasnt going to be any real obvious harm. However what can then happen is a very bright child learns to pester and push everytime the word no is said. They dont understand that the stakes are different just because they have gone into the older age group - they still think if they want it then they should be allowed to have it. If hes in this mode he will have trouble with peers because they see him as immature - and he will feel he has to impress them by telling stories. When was the last time you felt the parenting was working well and how did you make that happen? Remembering what you have done well can help when thinking about how to turn a difficult situation around. Sons and fathers often get into tricky dynamics so reassure yr DH that this is normal but hard work -might be hard for a man who didnt get positive exp when he was young boy and so is trying real hard to protect his son who doesnt understand why dad is doing things the way he is. So hard for you both but you can get through this.

[SirBoobAlot]

Have you had any contact with CAMHS at all?

[Tortington]

I think the bags packed thing was a good idea.

and if my son had attacked me in front of my DH aged 12 - he'd have got a smack.

[constantnamechanger]

I asked because I have seen abuse symptoms written off as teenage behaviour

[flow4]

Yes. That happened to my Ex. His dad started beating him aged about 12, and he responded by becoming quite disturbed and disruptive at school... The school called his parents in, who said nothing was 'wrong' at home... So the school also caned him for bad behaviour. :( He has never had any support, and he is in his 50s now.

[TantrumsAndBalloons]

OP I know exactly how you feel.
My dd aged 13 decided she wanted to go into foster care because she thought that would give her the freedom to go out all night, use her phone until 3am and not do any homework.
She threatened countless times to run away, she went to friends houses after school and turned off her phone so we didn't know where she was.
She went into school and told them DH was hitting her every day.

I honestly can't give you a reason why. I know that she thought we were ruining her life because some of her friends had no rules at all and were on the street at 11-12 at night, were meeting boys from FB, were doing stuff I wouldn't let her do.

SS did an investigation and closed the case because dd admitted she had made it up because she wanted to get out of the house.
I know writing that, it sounds as if there was something going on that caused her to feel this way. But it came down to not being allowed to go out at night, not being allowed to post innapropriate pics on FB and having to switch off her phone at 9pm, as unbelievable as that sounds.

We have been through family counseling and dd had individual counseling for a little while.
Is that an option for you?

I know dd benefited from family counseling very much as it have her a chance to try and explain how she was feeling in a neutral environment.

Your DS sounds very much like my dd. she also used to tell stories to people and struggle with the consequences when she was found out.

She thought that she wasn't "enough" IYSWIM, that in order to make friends she had to pretend to be something she wasn't, to sound more interesting and exciting.
Counseling is helping improve her own self worth and helping her to understand she is a lovely person and she doesn't need to get attention in the wrong way but its an ongoing process tbh

One piece of advice I can give you, please don't be scared about discipline your DS because of SS involvement. I'm sure you aren't actually hitting him but don't be scared about laying down rules, and consequences, and please don't make your DH step back.
Because that's what he wants, well it was what dd wanted.
She felt like, by holding SS over our heads she could get away with whatever she wanted.
SS deal with children and families every day. Just be open and honest with them and help is available.

I've been where you are. It can get better.

[PanicStrickenWife]

Relived here. Visit with SW went better than expected. She is of the opinion that DS needs some help with managing his emotions and we were obviously struggling with him and his behaviour. She also wants to talk to the school as DS has revealed to us that there have been other problems with him getting teased and bullied by other kids. She is also recommending that we have some family therapy to try and re-build the relationship between DS and especially DS2. Hopefully this will end as a positive experience rather than negative. Thanks for all the advice given here.

[cory]

Hope family therapy works well for you, I have found it helpful.

[flow4]

Glad it wasn't as bad as you feared, Panic :)

[Tortington]

great!