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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

What do you do with a DS who is too lazy to fix himself some lunch?!

118 replies

Horsemad · 03/01/2013 21:25

Typical 15yr old, obsessed with computer games. Gets up and immediately goes on pc (during weekends and holidays - has tried this on school mornings and had short shrift).

When I'm working I leave before he's up, it's obvious to me that he's not had breakfast or lunch when I get home. He says he's not hungry, but I suspect he eats his selection box chocolate whilst at the pc.

I don't mind him being on the pc, he's out of trouble and I know where he is etc, but I'm getting fed up with him not eating!

OP posts:

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Horsemad · 05/01/2013 19:59

Wow! Am a bit at the way this thread has developed, I had no idea what a minefield it might become

I guess the nurturing part of me wants to ensure he eats, as he is a skinny thing who hasn't an ounce of spare flesh. The other harder part of me wants him to wake up to the fact of being AWARE that he nees to eat!!
He isn't expecting me to do it for him, he's snacking on chocolate and then isn't hungry for sensible stuff.

I've decided I'll confiscate the chocsand try & encourage him to eat a lunch. He does the same at school, I find packed lunches in his bag, they're usually about 6 wks old, ewwww!!

OP posts:

Booyhoo · 05/01/2013 18:06

@ bonsoir's not so subtle suggestion that i am a greedy pig.

and how long did you go without food for bonsoir? a year? a month or did you just miss lunch. and what happened that made you have a meal again? i'll bet it was hunger. really, it isn't going to kill them and they will eventually drag their wasting stick thin frames to the fridge. if they forget to eat then they forget, they wont do it forever and they wont waste away.

TheOneWithTheHair · 05/01/2013 17:59

I've read the whole of this thread and I have some thoughts.

It's not about whether they are capable of it during their teenage years but whether they can be arsed! Ds1 is 16 and had done a meal a week since he was 12. He's now at catering college as he wants to be a chef. He has a part time job in a restaurant.

He will not make himself something to eat if there is someone else to do it for him because he can't be bothered.

I'm afraid op that you'll have to just see it through but don't cook until you are ready and let him do a meal a week for the family.

SecretSquirrels · 05/01/2013 17:42

seeker Mine do all that too, it's just that they need a little nudge. And I don't insist on family meals 3 times a day. If we all sit down to a meal together in the evening I am happy to leave them to it the rest of the time. Some of that time they will "forget" to eat and others they are like a plague of locusts.

I have taught both of mine to cook and yes I have fond memories of them begging me to let them help hoover.
Teenage brain overcomes all that and they move in a different dimension unless you occasionally drag them back to earth. It's not about spoon feeding.

LineRunner · 05/01/2013 17:39

On that packed lunch thread I remember finally feeling obliged to say that I had been a breastfeeding, organic vegetarian food home-pulping mother, and one poster came on and wailed, 'But why do you now have all these terrible thoughts?!' [Thinking that they might not eat their healthy packed lunches every day]

Because they are teenagers now.

LineRunner · 05/01/2013 17:33

It just kind of does, Booyhoo.

seeker · 05/01/2013 17:27

And they do that because they are members of the family, and things run smoothly and happily if we all work together.

I realise that sounds a bit sickening, but it's true.

Bonsoir · 05/01/2013 17:27

Honestly, not all teens do eat when they are hungry. In fact, I went through a long phase of forgetting to eat. If you are a greedy pig sort of person that might not ring a bell, but it does happen.

seeker · 05/01/2013 17:24

"Oh really seeker? How exactly does all your family participate in all the catering at every single meal in your home, pray tell?"

They don't. Obviously. But they do participate in the table setting and washing up of 99% of the meals they eat, either cook or help cook or plan or shop for a significant majority, and acknowledge the effort that their father or I put into the rest.

They don't seem significantly scarred by this process.

Booyhoo · 05/01/2013 17:23

why does it remind you of that thread linerunner? i'm not saying your dcs should eat what they are given, i'm saying they will eat when they are hungry (logical, no?) rather than being dosed with a series of different versions of the same question before they give in and agree to eat when you want them to.

mrsjay · 05/01/2013 17:23

the packed lunch thread was bonkers though i ran away FAST

LineRunner · 05/01/2013 17:19

This reminds me a little of the packed lunch thread where I got flamed for daring to suggest that when many of the pliable 7 and 8 year olds turned into teenagers they'd eat what they liked when they liked from the school canteen and the local shops, and people were adamant that their DCs wouldn't be feral like mine but would eat what they were given.

Funny old world.

Bonsoir · 05/01/2013 17:15

Maybe...

I tend to think that you need to put in lots of extra work in childhood ensuring they have lots of life skills. Even if they lose 50% of them temporarily as teenagers, 50% of a lot is preferable to 50% of very little...

flow4 · 05/01/2013 17:13

It's too early to say, Bonsoir... The signs are reasonably favourable, but ask me again when they're in their thirties and I'll tell you whether I think they've grown up into likeable, admirable human beings.

I suspect it's just like the old one-up-manship I used to encounter at toddlers' group: "Little Johnnie has two teeth!", "Oh is that all? Little Eric has FOUR!"

Both Johnnie and Eric become equally skilled chewers, in time.

Bonsoir · 05/01/2013 17:13

Yes, I am pro child labour and will be calling the union

Booyhoo · 05/01/2013 17:12

what is the problem with him eating pizza in bed in pyjamas at 6pm? you seem to be miffed at the loss of service he provided for you and your guests.

Bonsoir · 05/01/2013 17:11

Hmm. When does hands-off parenting become neglect?

Bonsoir · 05/01/2013 17:09

No, it sadly doesn't work that way, Booyhoo. You have a perfectly competent 8 year old who gets up early and brings you Nespresso in bed, happily serves peanuts to guests at dinner parties, makes his own bed and looks sad if you bake without him and he morphs into a 13 year old who would rather eat pizza in bed in pyjamas at 6 pm having played on his phone and iPad all day.

hugoagogo · 05/01/2013 17:07

I try not to call it neglect; as someone who was neglected.

But I too try and make sure the dc have a safe place to live, with food provided, if not prepared and the facilities to clean themselves and their clothes/bedding.

But, not hand them everything on a plate.

I think it has worked mostly

Booyhoo · 05/01/2013 17:05

well dont you think there might be a connection between people making every single meal for their teens and checking 3 times whether they want food and the teens then being unable to feed themselves when they go away from home? i think that's really sad. who wants to raise incapable children? it all seems very enabling to me. fine, if you want your adult dcs to be ever dependant on you but dont whinge about it and call them weird when you've encouraged it.

Bonsoir · 05/01/2013 16:59

Has that worked, flow4? It's my DSSs' mother's school of thought too...

flow4 · 05/01/2013 16:58

BREAKING NEWS :: DIFFERENT PARENTS DO DIFFERENT THINGS!

We'd all be Stepford Wives if we all raised our children in identical ways...

I'm personally of the "neglect them as much as possible and it will make them marvellously independent in the end" school of parenting, but I never assume anyone else has to be the same!

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Bonsoir · 05/01/2013 16:53

You are really quite funny, Booyhoo

Booyhoo · 05/01/2013 16:51

" I know teenage boys who when they go to university lose 10 kg in the first year and then put it all on again over the summer holidays, with some spare for the second year "

i cant think why

maybe it's because they are being spoonfed until they leave for uni at 18?

hugo, really what do you think is going to happen to them if you dont ask them twice if they're hungry? it's not a life and death thing. they will find the fridge eventually.

im not so convinced it's the teens that are weird TBH.

SecretSquirrels · 05/01/2013 16:51

I also think that they don't experience hunger the same way.
DS1 (17) will often come home from college with packed lunch untouched because he was so engrossed with lessons or activities that he forgot to eat.
On the other hand he will make and eat a huge bowl of pasta at 3pm for his lunch, eat a family meal with us at 7pm and then graze all evening until cereal for supper at midnight.

Because it's it 4.35pm and he hasn't eaten all day YY. I don't know about anyone else but I haven't lost that maternal need to feed them even though they are both bigger than me.

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