14 year old DD makes everyone miserable

[Spidermama]

She is completely intolerant and even just the sound of her younger brothers talking quietly makes her fume, shout at them to 'Fuck Off' and if they don't she gets violent with them.

We've had a little break from her abusive behaviour because we've had family around for Christmas but today she seems to be making up for lost time.

She's been SCREAMING. Telling everyone to Fuck Off. I told her she had to go to her room but she simply didn't. I can't man handle her. I tried over and over again but she refused deciding instead to stay downstairs abusing her brothers.

I said, 'I'm NOT putting up with this'. I went up to her room and confiscated her 'phone, ipod and camera and hid them in my sock drawer. I came downstairs and told her they were confiscated and she could have them back one by one when she can show and improvement in her behaviour.'

I carried on with the laundry and before I knew it she'd been in my room, found the stuff and taken it all back. I said give me it back. She wouldn't. Feeling completely powerless and utterly disrespected I flipped and shouted at her through her bedroom door (she was holding it closed so I couldn't come in and talk to her) things like this, 'You are NOT going to be allowed to spoil things anymore. You are being HORRIBLE. I'm NOT having it. You NEVER say sorry. You're really nasty to everyone in the house and you are NEVER sorry. I will not have another year of this.'

I didn't swear but I was shouting in a mad woman sort of way between sobs. Soon afterwards she went out but before doing so launched a chemical attack on my bedroom spraying what smells like it must be an entire can of Impulse into my room.

I don't what to do about her. She's making all our lives a misery.

Here's one idea: She's supposed to be getting a desktop computer in the sales for a late Christmas present as is her brother. I could refuse to buy it. The only problem is that she really needs it for homework and we're hoping it'll make her go and spend more time in her room instead of downstairs shouting at everyone all the time.

[HermioneHatesHoovering]

Yes you are definitely far too soft. Your dd knows that you don't mean what you say, basically.

Totally agree to hit her where it hurts. She does not NEED her own computer, she does not NEED a phone, previous generations of teens survived without.

I would take away all and anything she values and give it back incrementally as behaviour improves. She NEEDS to learn that her actions have consequences and she cannot get away with behaving the way she currently does. It is your job as her parent to teach her these things.

[Listmaker]

My 14 year old DD drives me to distraction too - perhaps not as extreme as yours but pretty much constantly angry and rude etc.

I too have the book Flow suggested and re-read bits of often. The bit I go back to when things are bad is this:

What is it to be the parent of a teenager? It is to do what you think best - when really you have no idea what is best. It is to ride out the storms and be back again the next day. It is to continue to give love to a child who does not seem to want it, to a child who, five minutes earlier, seemed to deserve a slap more than anything else.

Stick in there, try and stay calm and keep telling yourself it will pass!

Good luck!