13 year old bedtime

[bunniesmum]

DS1 is 13. Normal bedtime 9.30/10 during school term, over holidays we are more relaxed and let him stay up and watch TV with us if we're in or play on Xbox. Husband and DS had massive argument last night at almost midnight. Dad walked in DS's room and said he had 5 more minutes on game then had to turn Xbox off. When he went in 5 mins later DS went mad saying that 6 of his friends were online playing against him and that we are only parents who make a big deal about bedtime. DS can be very rude ( just with me and DH) and doesn't know when to back down, hence blazing row with his dad.
I'm now questioning wether we are too strict about bedtime as he is a teenager now. TBH, Im a little surprised though at his friends parents allowing their children to stay up past midnight on Xbox ( I know my DS isn't lying about this as you can see they are online).
When DS goes for sleepovers at his friends, quite a few of their parents go and watch TV upstairs and leave the boys downstairs to watch films etc and stay up all night if they want. When my DS has friends for sleepovers here we don't allow the kids to take over our lounge and we expect them to turn TV/ games consoles off in bedroom, when we go to bed ( normally around midnight).
What's the answer ? Opinions/ advice gratefully received !....maybe me and DH just need to chill out a bit more ? [fconfussed]

[Theas18]

Just posted exactly the same thing re term time bed time!

I'd love her in bed at 9 to read/wind down and sleep by 9.30 ish. That's what I'd like....

[amumthatcares]

Just like to add that the 'all the other parents' 'I'm the only one that has to' and 'all my other friends are allowed to' are normal teenage vocabulary! I used to hear this at every disagreement with my DD and my response was always the same 'I don't care how other people parent their DC, your my DD and I will decide the boundaries for you' and I stuck to it. In the end she gave up saying it

[Ghostsgowoooh]

I really like that idea of a router function where you can set times for it to go on and off, I'm with sky and the router is a sagem one. If anyone knows how I can do this please can they tell me. I think this would save a lot of angst in our house.

[frenchfancy]

Lights out in holidays is when we go to bed (about 11pm) but they are upstairs before then. No games consoles or TVs in bedroom.

My router has a function where you can set a timetable as to when it is on or of (so no need to actually turn it off). I hven't set it yet, but I will at the first whiff of trouble.

[flow4]

My DS2 (13 in a couple of weeks) goes to bed at 9:30-10 on weekdays during term-time, and has no fixed bedtime in the holidays. I set times if he seems tired, or play it by ear if he's occupied, happy and/or pleasant company.

I think the 5 minute warning was the problem in this particular situation, OP: 5 mins is not enough warning. For anything, not just gaming :) (tho' if they are mid-game, 5 mins won't get them to the end, and no-one likes to quit early). I know if someone gave me only 5 minutes warning to stop doing something I was enjoying, I wouldn't be happy!

I find advanced warnings work better: I'll remind him of bedtime earlier in the evening, then give a half-hour and ten minute warning. There's always usually a bit of grumbling and faffing, but never any major argument.

Bedtime does become tricky around this age, because they start to want to be up later than you do. Many teens do become naturally nocturnal (their sleep/melatonin cycles shift a few hours later into the night). This means there's an increased risk of rows if you're trying to get them into bed when you are already tired and grumpy! With DS1, I found I was depriving myself of sleep to get him to bed before me; and eventually I just had to give up and accept he was going to stay up later than me. This was around 14, as I remember. But certainly, with DS2 now, 13 feels too young, and I still want him in bed before I go... But I comfort myself with the thought that this phase will only last a year or so, at most. :)

[soulresolution]

DS is 13, bedtime same as yours in term-time op, 9.30/10.00 although I'm amazed at his staying power sometimes. He's not allowed any console/laptop in his room in term-time so that helps but has his phone to use as an alarm and I've caught him texting a couple of times.

Generally he's pretty sensible and the payoff is that in the holidays he's allowed to stay up late - usually midnight but last night he and dp up 'til 1am playing on the ps3! I have learnt that there's no point imposing an unrealistic bedtime because he simply won't sleep and even if I remove all distractions will just start climbing around in his room or some such foolishness.

The part I can control is when he gets up - I make a rule he has to be up by 10am which stops him becoming too nocturnal.

A word of warning about that book ('Get out of my life..etc') it's excellent but I found ds reading it the other day and now he justifies any bad behaviour by telling me 'it say's in your book that it's normal for teenagers to be obnoxious!'

[nooka]

My ds (13) and dd (12) go to bed at 9, with lights off at 9.30ish. All consoles are in family rooms, no play after 9pm. Generally the rules are the same at the weekends, unless we are doing something special (sleep over, party etc). ds plays online with kids from around the world so he would probably always find someone to play with.

If he is rude or doesn't stop playing when he is told to then his x-box goes out of limits for a while. If I were in your situation the outcome of a big row at midnight (with either parent) would be the xbox out of his room for the foreseeable future.

What other parents chose to do in their homes is mostly irrelevant in my opinion, you have to make the rules that work for your family (we have relatively early nights because both ds and dd need their sleep).

[PatrickDad]

I think you have to decide what the rules are in YOUR house. Also why is that the rule. If it is just arbitrary then it's hard have the determination to stick to it. If the rule is for a good reason then it's much easier to be determined.

For me 13 is too young to be staying up until midnight except for very special occasions. The reason is that at 13 they still need plenty of sleep and a regular sleep pattern.

I'd also say that TV and x-box in bedrooms is generally a bad idea at that age, but I guess it's hard to go back once it's been done.

[porkpie12]

i know i have brought the book too it may help i just don't remember myself or brothers being like it as teenagers

[bunniesmum]

Sorry to hear that Porkpie...I have to sat though, it's a relief to hear Im not the only one ! When I speak to my DS's friends parents I realise it's all completely normal for this age.

[porkpie12]

this could of been our house last night husband found ds on laptop at 2.30am talking to friends told him to come off son lost it big time and resulted in big row i feel awful about it this morning as i hate any confruntation he said he hates us but i cannot let him rule over us

[WildWorld2004]

I wouldnt have a problem with my dd staying up until midnight if she was waking at 10am during the holidays. Waking after 12 or later now that i would have a problem with.

[ByTheSea]

I hate predictive text. ' us in the' NOT ' absinthe'

[ByTheSea]

As DD1-13 is sensible and gets herself up without fail for school quite early, we do not have a set bedtime and certainly not on weekends or holidays. Even if she' s online, she tends to hang out with absinthe living room. If it gets to 11 on a school night, I''ll comment to her that it' s getting it' s getting late and she' 'll start making moves towards bed. She has never been one who requires a great deal of sleep although she is known to sleep in til noon as is normal IMO for her teenage body clock. Guess I' m in a minority here.

[GreenShadow]

DS3 (13) goes to bed around 10 pm but with leaway at the weekends/holidays.

It's later than his 2 older brothers went to bed at that age, but he really doesn't seem to need any more sleep.

I wouldn't let him stay up to midnight other than on a special occasion - sleepover / visitors etc and have never let any of the boys have Xbox type things in their room at that age.

[hugoagogo]

ds [14] goes up about 9pm, we allow a little leeway in the holidays, but not much.

If you start changing the rules because of what 'everyone else's parents' are supposed do; where will it end?

[bunniesmum]

I remember going to bed later than my parents, probably from about 15 though, my mum and dad were very chilled out about it and I turned out ok...I think ! My DH is very strict with DS's and I can't help but think my DS's rebellion is because of this at times ( when I say rebellion, I mean fits of anger). My DH tends to bark orders where as I try and speak to my DS's in a way which I hope will provoke a positive response. Sometimes I feel like a negotiator in a war zone when the 2 of them get started...and since DS1's voice has broken its so loud when they get going. I am going to look for that book about about teenagers on Amazon now !

[GrumpySod]

WiFi off at 9pm here. I try not to think how late he's been up, just as long as he gets up in mornings. I snarl & try to think of threats if he's up past 11pm, but usually I'm asleep before 13yo is.

[bunniesmum]

Wildworld, he wakes at about 10 am if he's gone to sleep at 12. When he goes to bed 9.30 ish on a school night he wakes at 7.30....I must admit, it's a bit selfish but when they stay up a bit later, we all get a nice lay in which is lovely ( 7 yr old DS has been going to bed at 9 over hols so not waking until 8 ish).

[bigTillyMincePie]

DD 13 bedtime is 9.15ish in the week, 10ish in the hols, unless it is a "sleepover"

ruby, when I tried turning the router off (DD's Facebook addiction...) it took us ages to get it all going again

Was worth it to get one over DD (after she had been particularly rude and unpleasant)

[slartybartfast]

i must be tougher with my 13 year old.

[slartybartfast]

i have 3 teens, internet goes off at 11, but it is a hard rule to stick to, when 18 year old doesnt have college next day .
in holidays i do let my 13 year old stay up late. but yesterday she was aboslustely wasted. and sleeps a lot in the day.

[MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic]

I have DS1(almost 15) and DS2 (12) who share a room. In the holidays they go to their room around 9/9.30 and they can pretty much do what they want (quietly!) until 10.30ish - if I can't hear them I'm not going to 'check' they're in bed But they don't have consoles in their room, and they don't have anything with internet access either. Sometimes I feel a bit mean, chucking them into their rooms, but I do think that I deserve a bit of time without them, no matter how nice they are