Sexting - do I tell the other child's parents?

[moraldilemmanamechange]

I've confiscated ds's phone as despite several warnings he's still got indecent photos of a girl (not his girlfriend acc to him, although I think she might see their relationship differently) on his phone. She's now sent him photos of herself masturbating .... And I suspect he's sent her similar photos of himself although he denies this - he's just turned 15, she's 14

I know this is very common among teens but we told him that while he will be free to do whatever he wants (as long as it's legal) when he's an adult, he isn't free to do whatever he wants now, especially not with a phone we pay for.

Anyway my dilemma is do I tell the girl's parents? Really struggling with what's the right thing to do here so would appreciate some points of view. Dh says not, it's up to us to police ds and her parents to police her...

[Dustinthewind]

'This thread has given me lots of food for thought and lead to a very frank discussion with both my teen girls.'

Let's hope it inspires similar conversations between parents and teen boys.
It is a problem that should concern any parent of any teen, regardless of gender. All are vulnerable and need guidance.

[Fluffycloudland77]

A similar situation was on Radio 4, it is actually classed as child porn.

[Bossybritches22]

Well done OP -that couldn't have been easy, or pleasant. I hope the girls parents were OK with you.

Contacting the schools was also very wise I think & hopefully will lead to them reviewing the advice the give the kids in PSE.

This thread has given me lots of food for thought and lead to a very frank discussion with both my teen girls.

[moraldilemmanamechange]

dust: don't want to give too many details as I don't want anyone involved to be able to recognise the situation, but more info came to light about the extent of the girl's activities which made the choice more clear-cut, plus the opinions here - not easy to read, but helpful

eagle: thank you for the support - it was not easy at all, partly because I knew I was going to get the girl into a shitload of trouble, and fundamentally change the relationship she had with her parents - people on here are often very glib and certain about what they'd do in any situation, but in real life things are often much fuzzier and less clear-cut.

I've also contacted both schools to inform them that this appears to be rife in year 10 and to ask them how they plan to tackle the problem

[Chubfuddler]

I do love threads when an op asks what she should do, gets told what she should do, doesn't like it and then accuses people of "judging". If you don't want opinions, don't ask for them.

[eaglewings]

Moral, well done, it can't have been easy to do. Glad the information you gathered was good.
It's easy to judge when you are not in the situation yourself, but is MNers are good at judging :(
Hope things are easier from now on

[Dustinthewind]

'I will review whether or not to tell the girl's parents depending on their behaviour over the next few months'

What changed your mind about the waiting?
Did you reconsider based on people's reactions here, or was there another reason?

[moraldilemmanamechange]

Well you can all stop judging ...

I have spoken to the parents ... Both kids are under no illusion that they have behaved extremely badly/stupidly and the opportunity for a repeat offence has been removed.

I have been assured that the photos were going one way, from her to him, and that they have not been passed onto anyone else

[mumofjust1]

Oh, and if either of them have forwarded the images to anyone else, they will be charged with distributing indecent images of a minor, and the recipient will be in trouble too.

[mumofjust1]

I have recent experience of this type of thing.

Sitting on it is NOT the way to deal with it, and you may find that it won't be seen favorably by the authorities if they found you knew, but did nothing.

If the girls mother found pics/vids of your son, he could be arrested and charged. If they found pics/vids of her on ur sons fone he could be charged with inciting a child under 16 into sexual activity.

You need to speak to the girls mother, and have stern words with ur son.

[Bossybritches22]

I think this is a warning to us all to consider cheap PAYG type phones that don't have cameras for emergency use in these cases.

He can still text his friends but no pictures.

Please OP inform the school at least this girl may not be aware her image is being passed around like this, it's bad enough she is naive enough to send it to a boy she feels she can trust but then if he is forwarding it (sounds like that's what happended to your DS) to mates it can be spread like wildfire.

As the mother of 2 daughters I'd be on a number of counts if I discovered this at all let alone several months later.

[MissSayuri]

Contact the girl's parents asap. There is no debate here. I can't think of a single mother who wouldn't want to know.

[Maiavan]

I would absolutely contact the girls mother. If that was your daughter, would you not prefer to know and handle it?

I cannot understand adults who are fearful of doing the right thing in case there is fallout. You are the adult!! Handle it like one in order to send a message out to your child that you are not the same maturity level at him and know the difference between right and wrong and are prepared to deal with the consequences that come with responsibility.

The girls mother has as much right to make an informed decision as you have. I am quite shocked at this. There were two people involved and two sets of parents should be.

[TheAvocadoOfInteriorDesign]

I am shocked that the OP is planning to let this lie, and not contacting school/police from a child protection PoV. That poor girl - teenagers do dumb things and the pictures could be all over the internet unless this gets dealt with quickly and appropriately.

[oneofsuesylvesterscheerios]

I also forgot to add - I very much doubt the girl's parents will have the same relaxed attitude as you. They need to know so they can talk to her - urgently. And they will also be spoken to by school no doubt so they need to know as much as they can asap

[oneofsuesylvesterscheerios]

From a safeguarding point of view the school/police will not look favourably on you sitting on this kind of material. I would contact the parents and also let the school know. Email them, even tho it's half term then they can act on it Monday.

[Chubfuddler]

You need to contact the school so they can implement child protection procedures. Unless you fancy explaining your knowledge of your sons part in this to a police officer.

[savoycabbage]

I really, really don't think that leaving it for a few months is the way to go here. Especially if your ds isn't seeing the problem.

There might be a video of his todger doing the rounds at school.

[redridingwolf]

Well, if it was my child sending pics like this, I would definitely want to know. It would be awful not to know, and I would be grateful to another parent for telling me (though obviously upset). I would probably be a bit upset if they told me in a judgemental sort of way, but a 'I thought you'd want to know about this' would be appreciated.

[YourCallIsImportant]

OP, do you have a daughter?

[Dustinthewind]

I'd tell the girl's parents, they need to be aware of the danger she's putting herself in, and to find out how many others she's sent similar photos too.
Your DS shouldn't be so blase about it, the consequences of this and other behaviour in a similar vein could be serious for him.
Just because the girl is choosing to behave in a stupid and provocative manner doesn't mean he can't get caught up, blamed and end up explaining to the police why he took part in exploiting her.
My DS is 17, we discuss a range of issues around girls, sexuality, consent and what constitutes appropriate behaviour.

'we told him that while he will be free to do whatever he wants (as long as it's legal) when he's an adult'

Yes he will be free, but what sort of an adult do you want him to be, and what sort of choices will he be making then?

[titchy]

You're going to leave it for a few months

Words fail me.....

[oneofsuesylvesterscheerios]

Sorry - 'us' should read 'is'