Shall I cut my 15 year old (fag ash lil) daughter some slack as she has had a glowing report

[GetOrf]

Found out this week that my daughter has been smoking. I have been furious, taken away her allowance and dinner money. Stupid child didn't even try to hide the fact she had had a cigarette like NORMAL teenagers and eat a packet of mints, she just gave me a kiss and she stank of smoke.

Anyway, have been pissed off with her all week.

Last night was parents' evening at her school. She is year 10, badly dyslexic and has really struggled at school and has been terrified of the exams. All her teachers really sang her praises - it was the best parents' evening she has ever had, and the teachers said she was a lovely girl, a credit to me, really contributes well in lessons, and is on course to get all A* to B in all her exams.

We then were invited to a ceremony in the cathedral (is award ceremony for students from all 15 senior schools in Gloucester) where she won an award for community and citizenship, and also an award for sport.

She is a good kid. She never misbehaves and the only thing I have ever caught her doing wrong is smking (and the spending of her allowance/dinner/bus money on fags). I give her her allowance and bus/dinner money in a lump sum in the back every month, perhaps it was my fault for being stupid and giving her so much money to manage. However I have always though she has budgeted very well, has never run out of money and come cap in hand asking for more, has always managed to save etc.

Should I cut her some slack re the smoking because she is so good in every other respect?

[kreecherlivesupstairs]

get her an engraved Zippo buy her something nice for doing so well.
It is great that she is acheiving at school. Don't keep harping on about the smoking though. My parents did when they found out I was chuffing away at 12. 35 years later, I still smoke.
I think if they had ignored it rather than nag I probably wouldn't be.

[GnomeDePlume]

My DCs are 11-15 so similar ages. They are under no illusion that if they smoke they will be grounded until the end of time and all allowances will be removed. They know the reason why.

IMO unground your DD for cadets events but completely cut the allowance. Any small things you can buy but smoking is addictive. At her age I guess that her friends wont sub her for long. If she has started smoking she needs to stop now. Cutting funding will help this.

[Amaretti]

I wouldn't stop the punishment altogether. But I'd talk to her about how well she has done and make some allowances (probably for the cadets events).

[RavenVonChaos]

Your daughters peer group will have a massive effect on her choices. It is possible that she will experiment with smoking, drinking and drugs - given the statistics. The best thing you can do is share your upset and disappointment with her and try to educate her to make an informed choice. Unfortunately fags are highly addictive, so the more she smokes the more likely she is to develop a habit......thats the difficult part - its very hard to quit.

Its fab that she is doing so well at school - not to be underestimated - so you dont want over the top punishments to backfire.

good luck x

[CalamityKate]

I'd give her some sort of treat/reward for a brilliant report, but still carry on with the punishment for smoking.

[LtEveDallas]

Actually, I think since I joined up (all those moon ago) that the attitude to smoking has shifted considerably. These days most of the smokers huddled up outside the buildings tend to be my age. The youngsters turn their noses up!

There is a chance that she will be tempted if she is sitting in a mud filled hole, feeling the rain drip down her back and the water slowly seep through her gaiters......but I know A LOT of soldiers/airmen that ONLY smoke on Exercise or Ops - I think its a camaraderie thing.

Swearing is another matter - I've got a mouth like a sewer (although I've learnt a better class of swearword on MN)

[TrilllianAstra]

Remind her that she stinks.

Stinky hair, stinky breath, stinky clothes.

Stinky stinky stinky not clean smelly disgusting.

Form other posts it looks like you have a good relationship with your DD, I'm sure you'll work it out :)

[LadyBeagleEyes]

Well, if anyone has the magic solution to stop your teen smoking let me know.
I discovered my ds (nearly 16) over a year ago.
I admit I'm a smoker and up till then he hated it with a vengence, now he must be getting his mates to buy them and I catch him out regularly.
But he's nearly an adult and there's not much I can do about it.
I don't think he would ever try drugs, he's doing very well at school and is very ambitious.
But then I thought that about smoking.

[GetOrf]

at your being told that by a dance teacher. Blimey!

LtEve do you think smoking is a macho thing from cadets as well? It is rather blokey. DD came back from Keble air show (camped there last weekend with cadets) and every other word that came out of her mouth when I picked her up was 'bloody' - I said 'OI' rather firmly and told her she wasn't in teh army yet

[LtEveDallas]

GetOrf - I may be a smoker but have never touched drugs - because I knew the Forces wouldn't have me if I did. As long as she knows that, you should be OK...

[GetOrf]

Noddy I am the same - a family member (my mum actually) who is a complete and utter headcase because of years and years of pot addiction. I think the stuff is worse than heroin for its personality changing ways and sheer addictive behaviour it enduces in its addicts, and the fact that it is pretty socially acceptable.

I have probably bored dd to death in my constant 'please please whatever you do, please don't touch that stuff'. I don't think she will, mind you I thought she would never smoke fags either.

They (teens) really do think it's harmless don't they. It puts the fear of god.

[LtEveDallas]

My mum went LOON at me when she caught me smoking - proper LOON, grounded, no cash, no lifts, no clubs and on and on.

25 years later I still smoke......and still hide it from my mum

(oh and wasn't weak willed, was doing what my dance teacher said to keep my weight down...yep, really)

[noddyholder]

I know that was my big fear as well. It is rife among teenagers and they think it is nothing. My brother has had a lot of drug problems and my ds knows this and says he would never touch any pills chemicals etc but I know he has tried a few joints and I can tell he doesn't smoke it regularly. He is 17 and has been going to parties/gatherings etc for a couple of years now and has never come in in a state even though we expected it. He has had one hangover after his prom (they all had) but in general my fears have been unfounded and that has made it easy to trust him. The 2 kids I know who are the worst for being out of control are the sons of teachers at the local schools!

[GetOrf]

at the thought of cannabis

[noddyholder]

I really don't think everyone who smokes is weak willed and easily led! They just copy each other and they do it in many areas of life as they grow up. My ds is spectacularly strong willed in many things. I always laugh at my book group where a couple of the mums think their kids don't smoke or drink when in fact I have seen them all do both and one is the local boy in the know if you want cannabis

[GetOrf]

I think there is a big smoking culture at her school yes, mind you there were loads of young smokers at her last school as well.

I feel so guilty because I used to smoke myself and gave up for good a couple of years ago. So it's my fault really that she thinks it is acceptable. Gah!

Thanks everyone you have helped me gain a bit pf perspective. Think I will dine out on it a bit though (clean the bathroom, clean the car )

[GetOrf]

Thanks very much everyone.

I think I will stop the grounding - seems pointless - and stagger the money back. It has worked with me giving her the child benefit for about 2 years now, she gets all her own clothes, never asks me for money because she manages her own budget. The last thing I want to do is go back to having to micromanage her money for her.

Of course she could have been smoking 10 a day for the last two years, but I would have noticed by now. Daft girl seemed quite astonished that i was so angry, she was all 'well, i didn't think you would kick off mum'

[TrilllianAstra]

You can be pleased with the report and displeased with the cigarettes at the same time.

Grounding for a month might be a little bit of an overreaction. I would do as BoF says.

[frantic51]

Given that you moved her to a different school because of bullying, I would be inclined to cut her some slack. Talk to her about it rather than going off on one iyswim. It may be that there is a big smoking culture at her school and she has rather more reason to want to be "cool" and fit in than most, given her experiences?


Well done, on the awards and the glowing reports!

[BitOfFun]

I just think that this is too old for "punishments". Stagger her cash, by all means, but don't ground her. Now is when you should be reaping the rewards of your communication together and her growing maturity (minor infractions aside), and rely on your fantastic relationship and your mutual respect. Just TALK, be clear you ate disappointed and what you expect, give her a chance to show she is sorry/explain herself, and continue to just get in with life and stuff.

She obviously can make you proud- so let her.

[vintageteacups]

All teens don't experiment with smoking; only ones that are easily led and who aren't strong enough to say no.

I would give her another chance though because she'll only do it more if you tell her not to.

Instead, I'd take away all chances of her getting extra money and if you buy clothes and stuff for her, refuse. That way, she'll have spend the fag money on clothes and make up etc and will hopefully realise that she'd rather go without fags than new clothes.

Also, get her dad to comment on how much she smells. Daughter's respect their dad's a lot more easily than their mums I think. It may well be enough to make her think about not carrying on with it.

[omaoma]

hmm. I think i would possibly alter the punishment but not remove it completely. sticking by your principles is not a bad thing.
You do need to make it clear how ecstatic and proud you are about her achievements. But that doesn't make the smoking right.
I was a very 'good girl' as a teen and used to get v frustrated and angry if i was pulled up on what i regarded as small infractions (eg, cutting one class out of the hundreds i made, getting one detention for something really minor - the only one i ever had!) as it made me feel i couldn't win and wasn't appreciated iyswim.

what about: stick with the original grounding plan in a modified but still serious state - eg, reduce by one weekend/allowing one night out for cadet stuff. but have a good talk with her explaining how proud you are and that it deserves rewarding. ask her to work with you to come with a plan of something she really wants to do, that is important to her (not just a fairly useless 'treat' like eg, a big party or money, but something more long-term, might be something to do with a career path or with the cadet group etc) and you'll help her get there. and properly support it - it might push your boundaries too but you can set conditions/goals she needs to attain on the way to earn your trust/prove she can handle it. that way you both get to learn about what being responsible means and to trust each other

[TheOriginalFAB]

[LaurieFairyCake]

I hate smoking and I'd never take it up myself. It's clear you have made your point on numerous occasions about how unhealthy it is for her because of her asthma and her sport.

At some point though you have to let her make her own decisions about her body. I would provide the bus pass and pay the school the dinner money and I would separately give her the allowance for whatever she wants to spend it on.

I would also say she is not allowed to smoke in the house and you do not want to see her smoking and I would continue to reinforce the message about how unhealthy it is (I'd arrange for her to see some smokers lungs in a jar).

I would not punish her for you 'knowing' she is smoking as she is very shortly going to be of the age to get married and kill for her country. I would let her make the decision about smoking herself while all the while saying you disapprove yada-yada.

[TheOriginalFAB]

No. Not related at all. It is like saying as she tided up it is okay that she got pissed or took drugs. Smoking is disgusting, wastes money, can make you ill or kill you and makes things for other people around her unpleasant.