From the Mother of a teenage daughter

[Rose111]

What do i do when I ground her and she walks out anyway?
What can i do when I ask her to tidy up and she bites me.
What can i do when I say she has to ask before she goes out, not tell me, and she calls me a f-- t---?
What can i do when she talks to me like i am dog dirt under her shoe?
What do i do while she is hitting me over and over? Do I take it? Do I fight back? Do I walk away?
What do i do when she is my only reason for living and she says she hates me and wants to go to Social Services?

My heart is breaking. I feel like I am falling apart.
She is 14. How much longer does this go on for?

[jules27]

P.S CUSDARDO loved your message.I got tough and said these things to my dd and it worked. I though i would do more harm than good if i got tough , but i then thought back to my teenage years and remembered that i wanted to feel safe and loved . My mum never gave me any bounderies and just left me to my own devices, i left home at 16 and i still yearn for my lost teenage years . I had to become grown up over night.Tough love ,it works.

[jules27]

Rose111 , big hug for you . Being a teenager is a nightmare for all around them and especial the teenager themselves . My dd is nearly 16 and i have to agree with most posters that you must respect your self first and give your daughter boundries. I felt sorry for my DD for the things that i put her through as as child(seperated from her dad and now living with a new partner) and put up with her dreadful behaviour always making excuses for her , until one day when i sat her down and said enough is enough . I told her that i was sorry that her life wasnt how i wished it had been, sorry that i wasnt perfect (neither was she ) sorry that as an adult i had to make rules. I told her that i realised that it was a difficult time for her and that I ALWAYS (EVEN WHEN SHE WAS YELLING I HATE YOU AT ME )LOVED HER.I always now give firm boundries and never back down on them, i have removed her phone for a week (said i would followed it through)It all seem to be working , i think i wasnt giving her enough attention and like a small child was seeking it through bad behaviour. I/we still have bad moments ,but there are loads of better moments. Keep strong , she needs your strenth now , dont give up on her , yes call her bluff, but dont push her too far away , would you really want her not to be safe at home with you. Hope this all make sense.

[softmusk]

my mum says having a teenager is like being at sea in a storm you have to just ride the waves and u will come out ok at the other end.

[munz]

anarok/custy - u both brought a tear to my eye. (((hugs)))) hope both of ur children realise how lucky they are.

[Xannie]

Spot on Custardo.

[jayzmummy]

custy...wanna be my Mum???...your post is so spot on...wished I had a mum who had been like you

[Tortington]

What do i do when I ground her and she walks out anyway?
lock the door

What can i do when I ask her to tidy up and she bites me.
ground her

What can i do when I say she has to ask before she goes out, not tell me, and she calls me a f-- t---?
ground her

What can i do when she talks to me like i am dog dirt under her shoe?

in your mother voice - whisper " i am a human being and as such i will be treated with respect" repeat

What do i do while she is hitting me over and over? Do I take it? Do I fight back? Do I walk away?
call the police

What do i do when she is my only reason for living and she says she hates me and wants to go to Social Services?
tell her to fuck off to social services - hand her the phone - give her the number

My heart is breaking. I feel like I am falling apart.
She is 14. How much longer does this go on for?

til she gets a boyfriend or goes to college


remember when she was a toddler.... pushing her boundries " don't touch - it burns, dont touch it burns"?

this is the same. its alpha female agains wannabe alpha female.

call her bluff

it does break your heart i know exactly what your going through - except my son didn't attack me or my husband would have knocked him out.

however if my daughter should attack me - i will knock her out - but i was restrained enough to advise calling the police.

despite the calls am bound to get off mumsnet of childbatterer - i will have no hesitation in fighting back.

as a mother it doesntn't give me the right to demand things off my children becuase of my title. as a human being i should be afforded a certain amount of respect and dignity. if someone were to attack me on the street i would fight back. as a daughter she holds no special disposition by virtue of her title.


my son has walked out on his grounding - i locked the door. he slept in the shed. he asked for a coat - " the one i bought?" asks i
"yeah" says he
"your having a fucking giraffe" says i as i closed the door.

i work, i pay the bills its my house and if they dont like it they can fuck off to social services becuase despite getting a roof and food and warmth - they will get no love, no laughs, no good memories. and i have told them so.


i phoned social services they told me he was my responsability til he is 18 - that was that - no help, no follow through, no phone back. so i tells son " it goes both ways kid" every time you run away i phone the police they will bring you back, you run - i phone - you run - i phone. social services don't want you - so its my rules or get your own place"
" i cant get my own place"
"my rules it is then - your grounded for another month"





make her get a job
dont give her any money
dont speak to her unless she apologises

[stitch]

when i was teaching, i had a 14 year old girl who was not getting on with her mom. i remember she stayed at her neighbours house for a couple of nights.
have you any close friends like that?

[anorak]

Hello Rose, I'm right there with you. I'm in tears reading your posts, been through all of this with my eldest daughter and just like you, I knew the advice I was given was right, just as surely I knew that it wouldn't work on my daughter. My daughter did not get as violent as yours, but I'm absolutely certain she would have done if I'd tried to get tougher with her. She was beyond that.

Since you don't mention a husband or partner, would I be right in assuming that her father isn't in the picture, but that he (or someone) has treated her in some damaging way in the past? That's what went wrong with my daughter, she had a rotten abusive father who'd hurt her by the time I found out about it and rescued her. My other two children are not like her, although the second one has the same father he hadn't got around to hurting her yet before I found out. She will never be like her sister, I can tell without any shadow of a doubt.

Here's what happened. We had a year of hell, basically. She did as she liked without reference to us. We gave up trying to restrict her movements. She would have gone out anyway. We asked if she would at least be so good as to tell us where she was. Because we'd laid off her with regard to her movements, she surprised us by doing so. If I was worried I'd phone her on her mobile. I couldn't control her behaviour by withdrawing anything - she voluntarily gave up an allowance, lifts, etc so that we wouldn't be able to exert any influence on her. She was rude and abusive, which we tried to ignore or simply reply reasonably. I often felt too worried to sleep, hurt, broken hearted, very much abused by my child. Many times I felt like giving up. But I could always see inside this behaviour the angry, wounded little girl who'd been utterly let down and rejected by her father, and I knew I couldn't do the same. I had to be there for her till she got over it. I had wonderful support from other mumsnetters.

She slowly got worse over age 14 - 15 and then from 15 - 16 gradually (as I like to term it) rejoined the human race. What I did in that time was critical - I could have pushed her further away if I hadn't been patient and careful.

A turning point was the day I offered to move house so that we could find a place with a separate bedsit of some kind for her. That way she could continue her studies with our support but live a life without our interference. Some have said this was too much of a sacrifice for us, but we were planning to move anyway around this time, and we could see that there was a real possibility of her leaving altogether if we didn't bend over backwards for her.

We haven't yet moved, but will in the next few months. Our house is only almost ready to sell now. She has calmed right down and is looking forward to her own space as soon as we can give it to her. I think it really made her stop and evaluate things when we offered to do this for her, no longer could she make the old excuses that we didn't genuinely care about her, that we were doing it all to look right.

She's learned that we'll do our best for her no matter what. I don't think she's yet reached being mortified and sorry for all the hurtful things she's done, but I'm confident that she will one day. It took her father years to mess her up so much, and it's taken me years to try and pull her back from the brink. (My daughter did take an OD) But that's what mums do, isn't it?

Sorry this is so long, and hope it is some help.

[unicorn]

You must be so, so, stressed.
Do you have any friends or family that you could send her away to, or could come and help out for a bit?

Hope Custardo sees this, she has been through some similar (ish) experiences and may have some suggestions.

Have you seen this programme teenangels?

May be of some help?

[Xannie]

Her attitude needs sorting because one day your DD will regret her behaviour towards you. It's nasty being a teenager and she's taking her moods out on the person closest to her - but there's no way she should be physically abusing you. She needs to know it's a definite "no, no"! Can you not walk away from her? Leave her for a couple of days and stay away. I'm afraid I'd change the locks and not let her back in until she apologised in a big way and promised never to behave so appallingly again. You wouldn't put up with a man abusing you, why a child?

[stitch]

rose how completely awful for you.
i know i gave my mum aggro, but nothing this bad.
ok
i think it got worse coz you retracted and gave the straighteners back. i dont think you should have. she would have gained some measure of respect for you if you hadnt.
call the local polic station, and tell them you would like them to come and have a talk with her. scare her . tell them exactly why. you dont need to charge her with assault. they just need to go through the motions to scare her.
is there any other adult who can stand up to her for you? anyone?
honey, this is just so awful for you. i wish i could come and help.

[munz]

hon, not got much time now but ur daugher needs a serious reality check and to grow up -big style, god if I spoke to my mother like that - never mind anyhow where's her dad/ur partner? u have to take the parental lead her she has to knowu will not be bulied. u need to get tough. nothing else is gonna work - how bloody dare she go and do that - the girl needs to learn respect. (sorry ranting) my advice if u honestly feel u can't cope go to the police as martin say's it's assult. (best thing my mum did for DB was get the police to lock him in a cell for a few hours when he was 14 (he was only waiting questioning) but scared the hell out of him. then say u will not be takig her back - I fear it will get worse. and she has a lot of pent up issues that she needs to talk about - but she won't til this attitude has been straightened out.

(sorry to rant but as a 24 year old, who gave her mum a load of hassle (and who's DB did) u get one mum in this world only one and she has to toe the line, u are the boss of her not the other way around. - best thing ur parents did was firm boundrys follow thru wiht punishments even if they were at the time v extreame and unfair) I only hope one day she'll be in the position I am now and able to realise how horrible it must be for u. and appriciate u as her mum.

[Blandmum]

Sweetheart, call the police. She has assaulted you. And heart of hearts way deep down, she wants you to stop this. Call her bluff, phone the police.

[Rose111]

Thank you everyone for your advice
I have read it through but cannot respond clearly at the moment,
On Sunday evening when she went out without permission she did come back on time (9.00) which I was really grateful for. And of course I told her that I appreciated that.
We tried to have a talk but it deteriorated and she pretended to take pills but did not tell me until i was actually through to 999, that she had only taken 2 paracetomol.
Because of her behaviour her straighteners had ben confiscated so she refused to go to school on Monday. I went to see the Doctor Monday morning to see if he could recommend anything. He came out with all the usual advice which is all correct but does not help. I should appreciate that she is confused and changing to an adult (I do). I should not get cross over her room being untidy (I didn't it was only when it got really disgusting food, drink, dirty underwear etc that I said it had gone too far)
He suggested that as she has said she wants to go to Social service then that is what we should do together. It sounded like a good idea. When I got home from work I tried again to talk and we managed about 10 or 15 mins until she just blew and totally refused to discuss anything.
I went downstairs and when i came up again she had pulled my TV out of the electric dragged it across the room,'confiscated ' my hairdryer and stripped my bed. Yes I know it is pathetic but I am at the end of my tether and I just cried and cried.
She did say that she was not going to school Tuesday until she got her straighteners back. So this morning I wake her up as normal at 6 and she ignores me. Eventually i go in for the 5th time at 6.30 give her the staighteners (but impose another punishment instead) she says it is now too late to go to school, She cannot get ready in 1 1/2 hours. I insist that she gets up and eventually pull the duvet off her. She kicks me, I fall over a table hit my head on the wall , lay there dazed and she calls me a f-- bitch, while I am lying there.
That is it i have given up. I can understand (but not condone) the fact that she kicked out at me but that she would not see if I was Ok when i was lying on the floor I cannot understand.
I give up. I cannot cope any more.
I have been trying to phone parentline they are engaged. I could not find Social services in the phone book.
So I came on here instead.
Now at least i feel a bit calmer.


Sorry will come on when things are better and read through and answer your helpful comments

[lynny70]

Message deleted

[lynny70]

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[MarsLady]

Another one to agree with Stitch.

You need to be firm and mean what you say. It will be a hard battle at first, but it will come. You have to stand firm and not crumble at the first sign of difficulty. Remember, it can't get much worse.


So.... what do you want to do? Put up with this behaviour or get rid of it?

"if she refuses to tidy up, tell her that anything that is out of place will be chucked in the bin, after say, two warnings, do just that. throw the stuff in the bin.
if she speaks rudely, ignore it till she speaks properly
if she hits you, then yes, you do defend yourself, but better try not to let the situation arise. "

To add to the list...if she breaks anything in her temper, make her clear it up or just walk over it. Don't pick up after her. Take yourself back to the beginning. She is your child. This isn't about being her best friend, but being her parent.

I also want to ask... where is her father? Or your partner?

I really hope you resolve this, but prepare yourself for the war.... win each battle, but remember, this is the long haul. Happy to listen to you rant. Hope you make it through.
if she wants to be treated as an adult, then she needs to behave like one, not a spoilt two year old.

[Roobedoo]

I didn't do anything that you describe, except for once after having been grounded for a month (can't remember why) I went to a party and my mum had no idea where I was and had the police out looking for me. Anyway, to cut a long story short, the police came round a few days later and told me that if I carried on like that I would be taken into care. Think i was 14. Scared me enough to stop me doing anything similar again! Good luck.

[stitch]

gosh, everyone seems to think i am wise one!
yes!
only coz i caused my parents loads of aggro, and they treated me like this, so i turned into wonderful person i am,
firm but fair. thats the key.
i love the idea of getting the local bobby to scare her

(i never hit my mom though, or spoke like that to her. dad would have crucified me)

[Blandmum]

How is she in school? Have they noticed her behaviour and have they set anyting up for her?

Fully agree with scaring her btw. She is well out of line and needs to be shown that pdq.

[Janh]

1. stop cooking her meals, doing her laundry, giving her money or providing any other domestic services.
   
   
2. tell her if she's not happy with that she can call social services herself.

[Nbg]

Nope, agree with that totally doormat.

and wise words from stich.

[doormat]

might be an idea to have friendly chat with local bobby to scare the living shit out of her too

[doormat]

also another here who agrees with stitch
set boundaries and chuck her stuff out
next time she threatens you with social services call them
also I would warn her that the next time she hits you I would phone the police and have her arrested for assault ( it might sound harsh and I will probably be slated on here)
but you are not a punchbag for your dd
she needs to treat you with respect