DD turned 11 a couple of weeks ago but it's been over a year since we've started to really struggle with escalating bad behaviour from her, to the point where DH and I are now feeling miserable and family life is shit.
A run down of the things that are hardest to bear:
Constant answering back and about 95% refusal to acceed to any request, however reasonable or routine. She will do what you've asked her eventually, but usually only after a lot of lip and rudeness, shouting, huffing and sighing.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't want to do, say, 'We've got to go to the park and walk the dog in a minute, can you get your coat', she acts as if you've asked her to climb Everest wearing only a bin bag. No matter how reasonably you try to explain that the dog needs walking, that we won't be long, etc, etc she'll carry on stropping. Usually at least an hour or so of shouting and moaning will follow, plus lots of aggressive and quite personal abuse particularly aimed at me. If she doesn't agree with what you're saying she shouts 'NO NO NO NO NO NO!' over and over again, usually very loudly over us so that it's hard to actually complete a sentence when you're having a 'discussion' with her. She also puts her fingers in her ears if you tell her off and shouts 'I'm not listening!'.
She's kicked holes in the door when she's been sent to her room, broken picture frames, torn up photos, torn up leaflets I use in my work. When she's in a strop she's insulting about my appearance and my age, ridicules my work, uses bad language.
She doesn't help in the house, is often aggressive and hectoring with her brothers, and won't do anything for herself if she can get me to do it for her (such as make a piece of toast or pour her a drink). If I refuse to do her bidding - usually because I'm frantically busy and it's something she can easily do for herself, she gets really nasty and it ends up escalating into a horrible argument.
Last time we had a really bad scene she reduced me and both her brothers to tears, throwing water across their bedroom, kicking doors, following me around the house from room to room screaming personal insults at me and her brothers. It was horrible, horrible, horrible. I ended up losing my temper with her when she tore up some of my work stuff, shouted and hit on her upper arm, which I sorely regret. I also ended up grabbing her by her upper arm and pushing her back into her room when she was screaming at me, and I left a bruise on her. I was just at the end of my tether as I was on my own that night and feeling really unwell. DS2 is only five and is very very hard work too - impulsive, disobedient and shouty. Between him and DD I sometimes feel like I'm going mad. 
What is complicating things is that she's spending a lot of time with my mum, whose attitude is that this is a bit of a 'personality clash', and that I'm being harsh to dd in punishing her by making her sit in her room for 10 minutes, or making her go to bed early, or by taking her mobile away or stopping her going out with friends. She begs me not to punish my dd, says dd can't help her behaviour because she's hormonal and unsettled by my dad dying in February. I agree that dd is hormonal and is also unsettled by my dad's death, as am I. But the bottom line is that she's making family life impossible with her attention seeking and selfish behaviour, and that it started long before my dad even got ill. And she's actually treated very well by dh and I - she gets taken out (on her own) by DH and me quite often, wants for nothing, is allowed to stay up quite late with me and DH most nights. She's not lacking in either love or attention. She gets spoiled rotten at my mums by both my mum and my sister, and is usually quite well behaved there - she has no reason not to be because she's the centre of attention and is rarely asked to do anything she doesn't want to do.
But in a family situation where she has to fall in with what the rest of us are doing and compromise - well, she's impossible. She just won't co-operate with anything and is rude and aggressive with it.
What am I doing wrong? I'm worn down with it and worried because of the stress she's putting on DH and her brothers, who are starting to copy some of her bad behaviour and attitudes. It's also making me resent my mum. DD is aware of this and tries to play me and my mum off against each other. I just want my mum to back me up in disciplining dd.
Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.
Teenagers
Not even a teenager yet, but behaving like one... Grandparent complications. So distressed.
tittybangbang · 22/08/2010 20:02
Stroppy teenagers, eh! It is so like a temper tantrum with a toddler, once they start they can't stop....and it is hard to take. Especially when they 'forget' it has happened. DD1 (who is now 17 but a drama queen) has a boyfriend - his parents think she is lovely, so unlike their dd2 who is...a drama queen 
. That is sad about your mum, she is very young. The man on the radio started off talking about The Corrs who had bought musical instruments from him - then moved on to his wife, and the effects on the whole family, and how they still include her as much as possible in their lives. Look after yourself, in the middle of the pair of them!
They (young pre-teen girls) are mad 
. Think i shall take my dd to the doctors for a wee chat etc dd is really hormonal to top everything off and to put it politely "i wish her periods would start"!
I had a chat with her today, and she told me that i was irritating what can you do!
She has been good today, i live in fear of the next time/day she starts shouting and also wish that once she gets settled in secondary school it will calm down.
As for problems with my mother there is not a lot i can do, the illness is progressive, i am getting all the info i can and trying to explain it simply to my dd, which is so hard. God i am so stressed by it all
Are you sure Mowiol? 
Thanks for that reply, it was a nightmare and i live in fear of the next time (which i know wont be long!!!)
she is not even a teenager yet!
are they growing up quicker than we did, lol about your dd, although its not so funny when its a reality 
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I think i have to start talking to her, maybe realising that she is growing up and not keeping her in the dark so much, not too much info mind.
I live in N.Ireland so yes last year was hair raising.
I didnt know that in England kids went a year earlier, if i could keep dd in primary school a year longer i would - dont want her going to school with those "big lumps" (older kids)
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Are you up there too? We're from Belfast, but have been in Cork for 15 years. Dd2 was born here, and if the all Ireland is Cork v Down there'll be trouble! We are really lucky with having a good school in a small but heavily expanded town - everyone in the town gets a place if they want it so no hassle about that. One hassle free part of life is good . No Latin though - but I suspect my mother would have been posting about teenage girl having Latin related tantrums back in the day. We have Irish homework arguments...
Survived the hairdresser who told her to look after her hair as it is in lovely condition ...that'll be due to the gallons of conditioner
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