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Addiction support

DH is addicted to cocaine

47 replies

feelingexhausted · 04/12/2016 21:26

Been with DH for 20 years. 2 DC aged 15 & 12.

He's always been a bit of a difficult character & has quite a few issues. Can be rather controlling but in total denial about this.

I'm not sure when he started to take coke but I found out by accident almost a year ago. I had thought prior to this that he might have been bi-polar due to his mood swings & paranoia.

Anyway, for several years his behaviour has been terrible - accusing me of having secret bank accounts, putting tracking devices on his phone/car, having a secret phone & having affairs behind his back. All of which were untrue.

Since, I confronted him last year (I found his stash) he has 'moderated' his behaviour but it still isn't 'normal'. He is very evasive about his whereabouts & gets cross if he feels he is being questioned & he is paranoid about security settings on his phone & has recently changed the code on his phone & disabled any app which can track him. He still sleeps all the time (sleeps in a separate room although comes into our room in the early hours - says I disturb his sleep pattern), goes to bed at 8pm to 'unwind', has problems with bloodshot red eyes & runny nose. He said it was my fault that he turned to drugs.

He takes roughly £500 out of his account every 3/4 days- some of which I assume goes on drugs.

He admitted to the bare minimum (i have found out about other stuff independently) & denies he takes drugs anymore. I don't believe him but don't know how to help or resolve the situation. It's like a big white elephant in the room.

I don't know what I am asking really. I know things aren't but how can it be sorted when he won't talk about it.

Grateful to hear from anyone who has been through this.

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Shurelyshomemistake · 04/12/2016 22:07

If he is addicted to coke, then I think social services would take the view that your eldest child shouldn't live with your husband. He is still a minor, thankfully.

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NicknameUsed · 04/12/2016 22:07

It might be worth having a chat with the solicitor to protect your half. If your husband is getting through so much money it is likely that he is in debt.

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FAIRYFRETGNIKCUF · 04/12/2016 22:08

Oh shit.

You know you have to leave/ kick him out. Even if you still love him it's the only way to help.

X

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FAIRYFRETGNIKCUF · 04/12/2016 22:09

Rehab can't be as expensive as a years coke

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feelingexhausted · 04/12/2016 22:13

I don't think he is in debt (I do his online banking). He has plenty of money in his account & is a good business man IYSWIM. The joke is he is very frugal with money - gets cross if lights are accidentally left on, ...

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PenguinsandPebbles · 04/12/2016 22:16

It will be affecting your son, 100%

Your husband is in complete denial, he won't go to rehab until he wants to overcome his addiction. All the time he is in denial and happily spending £6,000 a month on his "social" habit nothing is going to change for you.

I've just been reading through another thread where the OP is an alcoholic her husband is IMO enabling her. There are many many responses from people who have lived with an alcoholic and the effect of long term addiction it may be worth a read for you. Different drug of course but maybe it will give some insight from what people who did get help went though and a voice of those who are in similar shoes to you.

My father was an alcoholic, dropped down dead at 50, he never had a problem either.

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ihatethecold · 04/12/2016 22:17

I looked into rehab for my ds. It was 7K for 28 days.
I'm sure you can pay more though.

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thenightsky · 04/12/2016 22:21

God OP. Get shut of him. He sounds like a major twat who puts you and his children at the back of the queue.

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feelingexhausted · 04/12/2016 22:28

His behaviour fluctuates.

One minute, he is very loving & needy. Keeps saying how much he loves his family.

Then he is just downright obnoxious, argumentative & evasive. I have learnt not to react when he tries to push my buttons.

The last thing I want to do is to enable his behaviour. Neither do I want my DC to view our relationship as normal or healthy because it isn't.

I am generally quite a strong person but it saddens me greatly that leaving him is the only viable option.

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NameChange30 · 04/12/2016 22:34

Two counts of LTB from me (one because he's abusive, two because he's an addict).

This is an extract from Lundy Bancroft which I've copied and pasted from The Abuser Profiles thread:

"THE MENTALLY ILL OR ADDICTED ABUSER

This last category is not actually separate from the others; an abusive man of any of the aforementioned styles can also have psychiatric or substance-abuse problems, although the majority do not. Even when mental illness or addiction is a factor, it is not the cause of a man's abuse of his partner, but it can contribute to the severity of his problem and his resistance to change. When these additional problems are present, it is important to be aware of the following points:

  1. Certain mental illnesses can increase the chance that an abuser will be dangerous and use physical violence. These include paranoia, severe depression, delusions or hallucinations (psychosis), obsessive-compulsive disorder, and antisocial personality disorder known as psychopathy or sociopathy). These psychiatric conditions also make it next to impossible for an abuser to change, at least until the mental illness has been brought under control through therapy and/or medication, which can take years. Even if the mental illness is properly treated, his abusiveness won't necessarily change.


  1. An abuser's reactions to going on or off medication are unpredictable. A woman should take extra precautions for her safety at such a time. Abusers tend to go off medication before long—I have had few clients who were consistent and responsible about taking their meds in the long term. They don't like the side effects, and they are too selfish to care about the implications of the mental illness for their partners or children.


  1. The potential danger of a mentally ill abuser has to be assessed by looking at the severity of his psychiatric symptoms in combination with the severity of his abuse characteristics. Looking at his psychiatric symptoms alone can lead to underestimating how dangerous he is.


  1. Antisocial personality disorder is present in only a small percentage of abusers but can be important. Those who suffer from this condition lack a conscience and thus are repeatedly involved in behaviors that are harmful to others. Some signs of this condition include: (a) He started getting into illegal behavior when he was still a teenager; (b) his dishonest or aggressive behavior involves situations unrelated to his partner, rather than being restricted to her; (c) he periodically gets into trouble at workplaces or in other contexts for stealing, threatening, or refusing to follow instructions and is likely to have a considerable criminal record by about age thirty, though the offenses may be largely minor ones; (d) he is severely and chronically irresponsible in a way that disrupts the lives of others or creates danger; and (e) he tends to cheat on women a lot, turn them against each other, and maintain shallow relationships with them. The psychopath's physical violence is not necessarily severe, contrary to the popular image, but he may be very dangerous nonetheless. Antisocial personality disorder is very difficult to change through therapy, and there is no effective medication for treating it. It is highly compatible with abusiveness toward women.


  1. Those who suffer from narcissistic personality disorder have a highly distorted self-image. They are unable to accept that they might have faults and therefore are unable to imagine how other people perceive them. This condition is highly compatible with abusiveness, though it is present in only a small percentage of abusive men. Clues to the presence of this disorder include: (a) Your partner's self-centeredness is severe, and it carries over into situations that don't involve you; (b) he seems to relate everything back to himself; and (c) he is outraged whenever anyone criticizes him and is incapable of considering that he could ever be anything other than kind and generous. This disorder is highly resistant to therapy and is not treatable with medication. The abuser with this disorder is not able to change substantially through an abuser program either, although he sometimes makes some minor improvements.


  1. Many abusers who are not mentally ill want women to think that they are, in order to avoid responsibility for their attitudes and behavior.


Substance abuse, like mental illness, does not cause partner abuse but can increase the risk of violence. Like the mentally ill abuser, the addicted abuser doesn't change unless he deals with his addiction, and even that is only the first step. Chapter 8 examines the role that substances play in partner abuse.

The attitudes driving the mentally ill or addicted batterer are the same as those of other abusers and will likely follow the pattern of one of the nine styles described above. In addition, the following attitudes tend to be present:

• I am not responsible for my actions because of my psychological or substance problems.

• If you challenge me about my abusiveness, you are being mean to me, considering these other problems I have. It also shows that you don't understand my other problems.

• I'm not abusive, I'm just———(alcoholic, drug addicted, manic-depressive, an adult child of alcoholics, or whatever his condition may be).

• If you challenge me, it will trigger my addiction or mental illness, and you'll be responsible for what I do."
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feelingexhausted · 04/12/2016 22:44

Thanks AnotherEmma. Someone has suggested to me that they think he has NPD (not one of my friends)

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PenguinsandPebbles · 04/12/2016 22:46

Sorry if you thought I was implying you were enabling him, I wasn't as don't know enough about your situation the other thread it comes across as loud and clear.

I'm sorry your going through this I hope you get some RL support, it is an awful situation to be in

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lazymum99 · 05/12/2016 18:51

Do not waste anyone's money on rehab unless it is the addicts choice and he goes in voluntarily. Never works if they are forced in. And I'm not a great believer in intervention either.
Also rehab in the UK is way behind the US. They just seem to detox, followed by a bit of therapy. There are almost always dual diagnoses involved and very few rehabs here cater for this.

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feelingexhausted · 05/12/2016 19:39

I can't see him agreeing to go into rehab as he denies there is a problem. He isn't aware that I know as much about what he gets up to as I do (and that is still probably the tip of the iceberg anyway).

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NicknameUsed · 05/12/2016 20:01

I would make sure that your finances are as watertight as they can be, and make sure that our half of the house value can't be touched.

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Beebeeeight · 05/12/2016 20:11

Chuck him out.

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Beebeeeight · 05/12/2016 20:17

Kick him out!

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BlueFolly · 05/01/2017 22:23

I would say ltb too,

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Brith · 09/01/2017 12:02

My DH is a recovering cocaine addict. I knew he was a recovering addict when I met him, and I knew the work he'd put into not using. The key really did seem to be that he acknowledged he had a problem, and he acknowledged that he was the only one responsible for fixing it. Without this (or until this happens), I don't think there's any hope for your DH. You certainly can't do the work for him.

It might well be that you have to leave with your children, both to keep yourselves safe (the number one reason) and for him to realise the impact his habit is having. But don't do it for the second reason. Your behaviour cannot impact his: you didn't cause the problem and you can't solve it. In any case, as far as I know from my DH's story and those he is in recovery with, it took more than one hard knock to convince them the issue was with them, not the people around them.

Even if he does recover in the future, it's never plain sailing. Even with years into recovery there is the ever-present threat of relapse. The other difficult thing is that there's a temptation to think "when he gets clean it'll all be ok", but I can tell you from my experience recovery itself can impact a relationship. My DH works on this EVERY DAY. He did a month in rehab before I met him, then there were relentless meetings. Now he attends meetings three evenings a week, sees a psychologist at least every month, has sponsor meetings, goes to church once a week (this is directly related to keeping clean), and when he's at home he's spending many of his evenings going over and over the AA book, highlighting paragraphs, writing down notes, working, working, working. We talk a LOT about him and his feelings. Not so much about mine.

Again, I'm ok with this - I run a busy business and I'm pretty independent, like my own company etc. But if you want a more connected relationship then living with any kind of addict can be a challenge. Only you can tell whether you'd be happy with this, but going back to what everyone else has said, until he sees there's a problem (and that in itself can be a long process of acceptance) he can't really take any steps towards wellness at all.

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EssentialHummus · 09/01/2017 12:15

I'm not one to cry "LTB", but in your circs I'd get fully prepared to leave (solicitor, finances, the lot) and give him an ultimatum - rehab now, or we split.

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Madwoman44 · 13/01/2017 18:43

I've just been reading through this thread as I'm in a similar situation.
Found out last July (14th...indelibly printed on my brain forevermore) that my DH was having an affair . He travels a week every month with work and had started seeing an Eastern European woman ( she looked like a lap dancer).
I found out as he went out and never came home for two days. I did the usual hospital and police ring around but eventually caught up with him . He'd been on a Coke binge for two days , hadn't slept and was disoriented. I had no idea that he was so deep into usage.
In his befuddled state, I took his phone and a sixth sense led me to checking his What's App messages. There were loads from this woman, including pictures of her in various states of undress, and a discussion about how much they were both looking forward to seeing eachother later that month when he travelled again .
His response was 'the genie is out of the bottle '. Weirdly, I wasn't angry but maybe it was just delayed reaction.
We've discussed a lot since and nearly split up but have worked hard to understand what drove him to this and the effect of Coke on his behaviour. He's been unable to get an erection with penetrative sex and I know that he didn't have full sex with this woman , just oral. That made it more bearable in a way.
The Coke habit has continued with him staying at a mates house when he's lost control. I know where he's been and he calls the next day , in tears and distressed with himself. He doesn't understand why he does it and is always mortified and sorry.
I'm so fed up hearing the same sorry explanation of him lacking any self control and think that being so supportive is resulting in me almost enabling his habit.
I'm constantly exhausted as I can't sleep and I'm always covering for him with the kids.
He's agreed to see a therapist and has an appointment booked in a fortnight .
I'm not sure my heart can take much more but separating is the last thing I want for my family .
I'm not sure what response I want from the community but I guess some sort of advice from someone who's been in a similar situation. I need some hope !

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Trainspotting1984 · 13/01/2017 19:19

Rehab probably won't work (and I don't mean to be dismissive- they have a very low success rate- as does everything when it comes to addiction recovery) and you may have to send him to rehab many times.

I'm so sorry for you. I think you would be better off alone. Life would be easier and calmer than now. Good luck

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