Hi everyone,
haven't been around for ages but just needed to come on tonight. Not trying to start a row, or drum up loads of sympathy - jusy cant get this out of my head and am hoping this will help. Will apologise now for any rambling. Was going to change my name but it just doesn't matter.
Very briefly - have been with dp for 5 years, have one toddler together. He has 2 children from his previous marraige which ended a year before we met, so there has never been any bad blood between me and ex. She has pissed me off a few times with things she has said to dp, but thats the same with anyone. And anyway I'm sure ive done the same.So...
We pay each month for the children and have them every other w/e and in the hols. We have taken them on holiday and they are included in all our family occasions. Last week we received a letter from the csa to say she had put in a claim for child maintenance. I am GUTTED. I cant believe it. I can't believe that she didnt speak to us about it. We are all on speaking terms, she knows that we will do anything we can to help her out. Last year she said she needed more money. Our fiancial situation isnt fantastic. and so we upped the money and I offered to look after the hcildren every day after school to avoid childcare costs ( which she declined). I spoke to her myself and said that she was not alone when it came to the children and that we would do all we could to help. So she knows we would help.
The reason I am so upset is that we have never needed to deal with the csa and so have no experience but have heard such stories of how they get it wrong on both sides. They can destroy peoples lives and I feel that she threw my family's life to the lions den. You go to the csa if the father disappeares or refuses to pay. She treated us like a pair of arseholes who dont give a stuff, which couldnt be further from the truth. It makes me feel that all the effort that Ive put into forming a bond with the chiildren , and making them feel loved and cared for when theyre here has all been for nothing.
Anyway, dp went round there and we have come to a new arrangement , which is what the csa would say we would have to pay anyway, and she has canelled her claim. He explained to her that as the children turn up in Named stuff and are going on trips etc, that we thought she was doing fine and that she only had to say.
One minute I'm raging mad, the next I am sobbing. Maybe I am overreacting I dont know . I just feel so hurt and know now that the once amicable relationship has gone and it will now be so hard. Did she do it to be nasty? Waht is she trying to do ? I just dont get it.
I also hate the fact that she can cancel her claim and restart it again at anytime. Like she controls what happens. I am more than happy to pay for what the children need but as I said before am just scared of the csa incase they get it so wrong. What happens if she does restart and they make us pay an amount we cant afford? I feel we have to watch what we buy infront of the children incase it get backs to her .e.g we are going on a £9.50 holiday withthe sun newspaper but she will just be told we are going away and therefore think we have more money and can put in another claim. I'm not saying she will , these are just the panics running theough my mind. And I dont want to have to watch what we say. We have alwayts had an open easy realtionship with the children - I dont want it to be them and us.
Not sure I feel better, but thanks for listening if you go this far.
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ex has gone to csa. sorry soooo long.
12 replies
cuppy · 06/07/2005 22:59
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