1-2-1 time with BC

[KaPe]

You might know my situation from my other thread.

I am heading for mediation with my ex (again) ... one (of many) issues with my ex is 1-2-1 time.

DD9 had some serious problems at school, and in the course of a meeting with the counsellor it turned out that they do not do any 1-2-1 time at ex's house. It obviously has resulted in a deterioration of the close father/daughter relationship they once had. Unfairly, he blames me for that.

In the meeting with the counsellor he specificially said that there was no 1-2-1 time between BCs and their parents at their house, and did the counsellor really consider this necessary. Counsellor said yes, as the relationship between a BC and his/her parent goes much further back then the relationship between a SC and a SP.

What's your approach at your homes? Do you have any 1-2-1 between bio parent and bio kids. If yes, how much? Also, how do you explain this to the stepkids?

I was thinking of suggesting handover one day earlier, so DD could have one evening with her dad, but would still spend the majority of time with her new extended family and the parents would still get 6 days out for 14 adult time with no kids around (instead of previously 7 out of 14). Also, the SC wouldn't have to be told to "bugger off" when it is father/daughter time and thus get hurt.

[Harimosmummy]

WoW! KaPe...
You could be my DH's Ex a few years ago.

I wouldn't say you hate your Ex more than you love your child, but I think it IS possible that the love for your child and the negative feelings for your ex are being merged - rather like not seeing the wood for the trees.

My Dh's ex has complained about pretty much everything and also demanded 1-2-1 time (which if she and I are honest, we both know was far more about excluding me than any desire for real contact between father and child).

We've never intentionally done 1-2-1 time in our house. I don't do it with my own biological children now...

It's never come between the relationship my DH has with his daughters. They are very close and have a great relationship. I have a different relationship with them (I wouldn't, for instance, discipline them and I don't see myself as their parent... more as a companion with care duties - I do look after them alone)

You can't change how he parents or acts. But you can change how you react to it. You cannot control what he does...

[2rebecca]

I do agree that your ex should be putting his daughter's needs first not the needs of his new wife's ex and his stepkids. When we used to regularly have my kids and stepkids coming we used to try and coincide them as the younger ones enjoyed being together and it meant we could cram boring tasks/ work stuff into time when we didn't have kids. We were flexible though and if my ex had something on on a weekend he wanted the kids for/ didn't want the kids for or the kids wanted to do something on a weekend that took priority over the kids being together. It sounds as though you and your ex need to sort out what is best for your daughter independant of what is best for the stepkids and their dad as the 2 sets of children may have different needs. I think the issue of him not having time to help your daughter with her homework/ take her to appointments/ do music practice if all kids together also needs to be resolved.
Your daughter needs to be part of her dad's life and that of her new stepfamily, but she shouldn't be neglected to suit her stepsiblings rota and their needs. Your ex needs to prioritise her more when talking to his wife.

[KaPe]

Rebecca, I honestly have no longer an idea what their arrangements are. Initially I was told all children are at theirs at the same time. Her ex seems to live abroad with a new family, but seems to maintain a house in the UK to see his kids/do business (this is what DD says, so it is the perception of a 9-year old). So after a few months I was indirectly asked to be more flexible and agree to a childcare rota based on the presence of HER ex in the UK (that didn't come from DD, but my ex). Needless to say, given the fact that I have a job/au-pair to organise, I did turn this request down.

They then wanted to change our one week on/one week off rota to two weeks on/two weeks off. The official version was that DD requested longer periods of time at each house. DD later admitted she was talked into agreeing to it, and that this was yet again a request by HER ex, who wanted less commuting/costs per month.

My arrangement with work allows me to make up the hours I miss in week 1 in week 2 ... my employer was unable to agree for me to work less two weeks and make up the time in the following two weeks (which is totally understandable as we are legally obliged to stick to very strict deadlines, which I could not have met with this rota).

This is pretty much why I chose the title "Did I marry a family?" for my initial thread ... not only are THEIR needs paramount, but SM's ex seems to have a major say in what should get done and what shouldn't. Their move was allegedly also a condition by HER ex ... the one picking up the mess they left behind happens to be me.

Her ex seems to be an omnipresence in their lives ... food restrictions for religious reasons etc. etc. So it is obviously easiest to try to locate the weakest link in this mess, and I believe for once I am the chosen one.

[2rebecca]

You mentioned in your post that they only have the stepmum's kids some of the time and have 7 child free days. In that case if they struggle to give your daughter the attention she needs re homework attending appointments, time with her dad etc it would make sense rather than them trying to cram everything into days when they have all the children and not able to give the kids any individual attention to only have a day or 2 of overlap and have fewer child free days but the kids getting properly looked after rather than lumped together.
I do think though that if you think their parenting isn't up to scratch that wanting them to do more parenting seems silly and you doing more parenting would make more sense.

[ChocHobNob]

Grandhighpoohba, you said : Maybe your ex needs some encouragement to understand that treating his DD differently from his SC doesn't need to mean that they are not equal - just different.

I don't want to sound too harsh, but I think both the ex and KaPe need to realise this.

I do think all children benefit from 1-2-1 time though. I have two BC and (until the eldest started school today lol) it can be difficult to find time for 1-2-1 especially when the parents are working as the parents want to spend time together too as a family and don't want to have to spend all their spare time apart trying to give children 1-2-1. So when my dsd starts staying more often I can imagine it will even harder to find time.

I think your ex owes it to his daughter to try and find some time to give her 1-2-1. He could possibly find 30 minutes to take her on a bike ride when the SC are with their Mum or take the dog out for a walk.

BUT if he doesn't want to, there is nothing you can do about it. I read so many things on the net about BP's criticising the other parent's parenting ... or SP's criticising the BP's etc ... there are a few choices ; continue complaining about it, tie yourself up in knots, get yourself worked up and let it ruin the years you have with your child or just get on with it and try and ensure that what you have control over, you do your best.

I also don't agree with this whole "the child who was here first gets priority" attitude. My ds1 was the first born. My ds2 was the third born. In our situation dsd was the second born. That does not make my eldest more important and more worthy of time with his Dad than my dsd. It doesn't make my youngest less important that my dsd. They are all equal.

As much as you don't agree that your daughter is of equal importance to her Dad as his SC ... you are going to have to accept that to him, she is. I really do think you're fighting a losing battle.

But there's no reason why you cannot use the internet to vent your feelings as long as you try to ensure they aren't affecting your child directly. x

[Grandhighpoohba]

Oh, and meant to say - Different things work for different children - some will need 1 to 1, some won't. Sounds like your DD does. Perfectly reasonable.

Maybe your ex needs some encouragement to understand that treating his DD differently from his SC doesn't need to mean that they are not equal - just different.

[Grandhighpoohba]

I don't know from your post whether your DD is aware of this conflict between you and your ex, but just in case... IME, 50:50 contact can only work in the long term if both parents are able to absolutely never critisise each other's parenting styles in front of the children. If you express discontent with your ex's parenting in front of DD,or he does about yours, then it becomes conflicting for her to accept her new family - its a disloyalty to the other parent IYSWIM.

I do understand your frustrations with your ex- your DD seems to need more time with him, and you desperately want to get her what she needs. I also understand his position, he is trying to establish a relationship with his SC and doesn't want to exclude them. Your solution seems reasonable, an extra day when SC are not about to spend together might well help, as it sounds like your ex does miss his time with her, but doesn't see how to fix things.

However, in this situation, you have to accept that a different family will do things differently. Immensely frustrating I know, but you have to trust that her other family are good enough. If you cannot,and for all I know you may have good reason to(i haven't seen your other posts) then maybe 50:50 is not a good plan for your DD - it presumes that she has two, equal families, both as capable as the other, which she belongs to equally. If in the long term, one family cannot meet her needs, then maybe different contact arrangements are needed.

So the question is - do you think that if your ex will not change his arrangements, this situation is good enough? Not perfect, but good enough? If the answer is yes, then you must accept the differences with good grace and in silence. If not, then you may need to consider a different model of contact.

Hope you get this sorted for your DD. 50:50 can work for the children very well, but it is a long hard slog for the parents in many ways. Good luck!

[KaPe]

Thanks for all of your comments, which are much appreciated (and actually don't go in one ear and out of the other).

I obviously committed to attending mediation now and will have to stick to my decision. I guess the mediator will have to assess in the initial meeting whether there is a point in continuing mediation.

For the time being I will no longer encourage DD to make contact with the ex and pursue a relationship, because ultimately I might be exposing her to something she cannot handle, and my hands are then bound to support her.

[BonsoirAnna]

KaPe - what I don't really "get" is why you seem to really want 50:50 shared care when you are so clear that the care your DD gets at her father's doesn't meet your or her acceptable standards.

As others have said, you cannot change the standards of care that your exH and his new wife provide for their children (all three of them). All you can do is make sure that the care your DD receives from you is good enough so that, overall, she is being looked after and brought up as you would like.

DP and I do not think that the DSSs' mother provides an acceptable upbringing for the DSSs. So we work very hard indeed to ensure that we fill in the gaps.

[BonsoirAnna]

We most definitely organise 1-2-1 time for all the children with each of us!

DP has lunch with DSS1 and DSS2 on alternate weeks during term time when they have a two-hour lunch break at school. They go to a restaurant. And DP often does an activity at the weekend with one or the other of the DSSs while the other one is out or with me and DD.

And I also do 1-2-1 activities with the DSSs, like a shopping day or hairdresser trip or sometimes just a long chat in the kitchen.

DD has plenty of opportunity for 1-2-1 with me. Now she is getting older (nearly 5), DP also takes her out to lunch from school so that they can be on their own.

[pleasechange]

Kape - I think mrsjammi has posted some excellent advice on here for you. You cannot change how your DH and his family operate, and to constantly worry about it will not only make you more frustrated and annoyed, but will also rub off onto your daughter

It is possible (and I only say possible because clearly we have limited info here) that she indeed has already picked up on your feelings about this. Given that you are worried about her mental health, I really think you should concentrate on being as positive about everything as you can - children really do pick up on tension and take it on themselves

[2rebecca]

I meant my kids spent some time with me and some with their dad. I don't go off and do things with them and my ex. That would be strange. Their dad has a long distance relationship so usually sees them on his own, although they often go and visit her.

[2rebecca]

We do but then we don't have any children together or any children living with us all the time which makes it easier to see kids as principally mine or his. My stepkids rarely come here now as the eldest has his own place and the younger has exams and friends so stays with her mum most of the time coming here for odd weekends or holidays. If she is here she'll often go off and do stuff with her dad. He'll often go and spend the day with her. My kids spend time with me and their dad. We have hobbies together that my husband doesn't share so will often do that on a weekend together.
I'm not really into the pretending to be a big nuclear happy family thing when we obviously aren't. We often do things all together but I don't see doing things in seperate units as bad and think it does help the kids to feel really valued and that their parent enjoys spending time with them. My husband and I have plenty of time without kids when we can do stuff together.

[KaPe]

Hayes, we all have our limits ... and my limits are certainly reached.

I am doing most of the work, am running all of the errants, am carrying most of the financial burden, and in addition to that, I am abused as an emotional rubbish bin. Ex acknowledges that there are problems between SM and DD and the older SS and DD ... but either can't or won't step in.

You seem to be suggesting that I hate my ex more than I love my child? Has it occured to you that maybe he might be the aggressor?

[hayes]

are you my husband's ex?? sorry couldn't resist it.

As i said before you love your daughter she loves you she loves her dad. When you are with her enjoy her company ....she will enjoy her dads company when she is with him. I think if more parents really looked at what was best for their children there would be no bickering and blaming going on.

You and your ex's relationship has broken down for whatever reasons but your relationship with your child is always going to be there.....enjoy it

[KaPe]

Mrs Jammi, you have to understand one thing ... we come from two different sides of the spectrum. Just like you guys (or rather girls) hate the Cinderella-type stepmother picture, not all BMs are controlling and sad cows.

What I found very funny about your post is that - whilst acknowledging SM threatened me in court - you seem to condone this behaviour, you are trying to excuse it. How can you be certain that she doesn't throw a hissyfit in public?

Has it ever occured to you that we might be dealing with the exact mirror image of your view of a BM ... an extremely controlling SM? Personally, and this is the view of many friends we had in common prior to our separation, I believe that if anybody is trying to undermine both my parenting relationship with my ex AND the relationship between the ex and DD it is SM.

[hayes]

we have a family of 5, difficult to spend 1 2 1 time but we do have a family night once a week where we all just have fun. I agree that step families need to be allowed to develop and grow naturally, its hard enough at the beginning without the other parents getting involved and putting their slant on things.

You love your dd, she loves you, she loves her dad...surely thats all that matters at the end of the day?

[KaPe]

Mediation is all about compromising and suggesting, Mrs Jammi. That's why we are going there.

I have always been open to DD having a new family. DD has always brought souvenirs from her holidays with me for ALL her loved ones back home (including SM and SSs), during our last trip she got a guy to write the names of her entire family in Arabic on a post card (well, we had to get a second one to fit all the names on there ... he started off with very big writing).

I have no issues whatsover with another woman or children in DDs (or ex's) live ... however, I do get rather edgy when I am told that THEY have found the ideal way and expect my support in order to achieve this bliss. Especially when I know it is unrealistic, and especially when I am supposed to put resources into their dream that I simply don't have.

[Surfermum]

Did she tell him how it made her feel?

[KaPe]

Surfermum, I think your DSD might have had the benefit of witnessing DD growing in your tummy ... she was part of this whole process (well, obviously the later stages ).

A couple of weeks ago my ex sent DD a poem (or rather song lyrics he had re-written for her). In it, he actually made reference to their previous closeness: Remember doing this, that and the other together? Remember how close we were? DD got very angry, saying that it was his choice that these days were gone.

[Surfermum]

I'm with you all the way on this one KaPe. DD gets 121 with me and with her dad, dsd gets 121 with me and with her dad.

If dsd ever starts being a bit difficult and we can't put it down to her being 13 then it's the first thing we think about and first solution we try.

When you have 121 time you can get to the bottom of all sorts of things that are troubling her (and she tends to talk to me more than her dad).