DSS9 influence on DS3

[stepmumSW5]

Hi. I have a 9yo Ss and a 3yo son, plus a baby boy under 6 months.

DSS has very difficult behaviour. He is aggressive and very physical, likes being a bad boy and won't follow rules. This is happening in school, at home, playgrounds etc. He is now influencing my young son and I'm worried.

There are things he does that worry me, like violence talk and also going under the bed covers with my son and taking his clothes off. It keeps happening even though we have told him that it's not appropriate many many times.

Apart from that, he clearly takes advantage of his age, size and "life experience" to belittle my son under the guise of playing with him. It all hurts me because my son is constantly told what to do and normally the things he is told to do are not innocent fun.

I'm miserable all the time when he is here, on edge and very anxious. He is here half of the time.

Anyone in similar situation? I need advice and help. I can't deal with this worry anymore. Sometimes I wish I hadn't had children. I put them in this situation and feel guilty all the time.

My husband is understanding but he is obviously loyal to his son and gets very defensive. He didn't understand how it worries me. But any other child doing the exact same thing to my son would not be acceptable but just because it's his brother, he must accept everything?

I don't know what else to do.

[JanewaysBun]

1. You cannot live with your DSS if this is happening, one of you needs to move out
2. Your DH is letting DSS down by not investigating his older child's behaviour. Grooming/SEN/being influenced by others/maybe a step dad? I would be hugely alarmed if this were my 9yo and would be intervening before his life spirals out of control. Happy kids dont act like this.

[mikado1]

I would only allow them to play in the same room as you and I'd be very firm with boundaries with SS on his behaviour. Meanwhile he seems to be struggling so needs support as well as limits. Sounds very stressful and I'm sure you're exhausted with a small baby also.

[Illpickthatup]

So you DH is loyal to his older son but not to his younger son? Standard. You're really going to struggle here if your DH doesn't step up and do something about his son's behaviour.

I would ensure they are not left alone together. Do they have separate rooms? If DSS can't play nice then he plays in his room by himself. But of course this requires back up from your DH.

[Daleksatemyshed]

I know your DSS is only 9 but I'd feel compelled to do something about the undressing under the bedclothes, there's a big power imbalance between their ages and that just feels wrong. I know your DSS is still only a child but you wouldn't allow this from other children so this should be no different. I have no idea how you could approach this with your DH without causing an almighty row. I'm sorry but this is another situation where you'd be better living seperately - is that an option?

[sprigatito]

The older boy sounds like he needs some external support, tbh; not brushing off with indulgence from his father and "he likes being a bad boy" from you. All behaviour is communication (which does NOT mean it has to be tolerated!) and a child behaving like this needs intervention.

If his parents can't be arsed to face up to this and get him some help, overhaul their parenting and tackle this obviously disturbed behaviour, then if I were you I would take your child and leave. Both children deserve to be safe and happy - you're only responsible for one of them.

[lunar1]

Why are they unsupervised at any point while this has been going on?

What has the school, GP etc said about this behaviour?

[EG94]

even you split your son would go to his dads and possibly be with the dads other son without you being there. This would worry me more. At least you have an input whilst in the same house.

agree additional support is required. What he is saying is disturbing. Kids can abuse kids. It happened to my brother by my step brother. Both young and my brother younger and didn’t know it was wrong until he said something and my mum probed him. Don’t mean to scare you but get help whilst you can x

[stepmumSW5]

Thank you so much for your responses. I don't feel like I'm paranoid anymore.

• they rarely play unsupervised. There are cameras in both rooms. But I have a life and sometimes I have to work when they are both here and they stay with my DH. He leaves them unsupervised for 2-4 min and it's already enough for dss to put my son up to no good.
• I've raised the need for external support many times and his bm is against. She thinks there's no issue. She is not married and doesn't have any other kids. So it's easy for her not to care what her son is doing to other kids.
• DH feels guilty towards DSS so he will let a lot slide. Now he's becoming more strict but I'm not sure we can handle this without help anymore.
• dss doesn't have a stepfather but bm is a very sexualised figure,she used to be a glamour model and he's seen pictures of her naked. She is also keen on baddies like peaky blinder types and my DSS has picked up on that.
• divorce is not an option as that would be even worse. My son would play with dss unsupervised a lot more and I wouldn't have a say.

[stepmumSW5]

I believe there's an aspect of having too much screen time, watching violent films and playing too many video games, combined with guilty parenting as well.

[stepmumSW5]

Sorry just one more aspect to cover from the responses. The school keeps sending us reports that he's gotten into trouble every week and we've had several meetings about it. Nothing they've done seems to work and the issues are popping in other social circles as well. He also never gets invited for paydates. But his parents seem to be taking all this very lightly and it looks like I'm the paranoid one for thinking we need to change how he's being educated.

[EG94]

What his BM is wants / doesn’t want is irrelevant to a degree. If you can get your DH to support that additional help is required take him to that help when you have him. BM needn’t be involved. Your hubby has more than one child and as a parent you are expressing concern. He needs to work with you to keep ALL of his children happy and safe. That said if you did split and have valid safety concerns these could be voiced and legally enforced via the contact agreement. I know this isn’t something you want to entertain but the clothes off under the covers thing is really not normal. If this isn’t addressed we don’t want to talk about the what ifs and maybes.

[lochmaree]

I'm sorry you're going through this OP and I can see that it's a bit of an impossible situation. I think I'd be making it very clear that if your DH doesn't take immediate and significant action, then you'll be making steps to live separately and if necessary limit contact in order for your two to avoid DSS. e.g. your two could visit their dad when DSS wasn't there. I imagine your younger son will get the same behaviour when he's older too.

[stepmumSW5]

@EG94

I'll keep working on getting external help and in the meantime just supervising as much as I can. I don't think there's a real bad intention with DSS taking my sons clothes off, it's really just too annoy the toddler and me. He's seen that it works so he will key doing it. But that sends a message to my son that taking clothes off is part of playtime and I really can't have him thinking that. I explain to him many times that no one needs to take clothes Off to play and have taught him a specific word to describe it so I know that he can tell me if anyone tries to play that way. When i ask him (I already know from the camera videos) he always confirms if his brother tried or not. Sometimes it's just taking the socks off, sometimes the whole outfit and underwear. It's happened too many times now for me to brush it off. That's not the only issue with the behaviour but it's definitely the most worrisome.

[EG94]

@stepmumSW5 do you want to take the risk this is just to annoy you? Taking underwear off, it’s really not normal. When the underwear is off your son is vulnerable. I personally would not in anyway take this seriously risk. Would you forgive yourself for downplaying this god forbid anything untoward ensued ?

[stepmumSW5]

@EG94 I would never forgive myself. Hence my anxiety and desperation. I feel like I'm in a lose lose situation and all solutions are painful.

[EG94]

@stepmumSW5

@EG94 I would never forgive myself. Hence my anxiety and desperation. I feel like I'm in a lose lose situation and all solutions are painful.

I know you wouldn’t so don’t dismiss this as Ss trying to annoy you. It is not normal healthy behaviour. Hubby has two choices fix it or leave because none of his / your children’s safety is up for compromise. I get he is torn but he should be helping out of love not out of punishment.

[stepmumSW5]

@EG94 I'll have another conversation with him this week And see how it goes. We have a lot of charges happening now in our family set up and I'm going we will have dss less time. But it still needs to be addressed. I'll come back here to share when I have more clarity of what's next for my family.

[MeridianB]

It must be very hard to be the lone voice on this when DSS’s parents are living in a fantasy world.

Two things here. Your DS and baby should never ever be left alone with DSS. I’d have a zero tolerance approach to this and wouldn’t be afraid to tell your DH why. I’d go to the extent of putting DS in nursery or asking family to help if you can’t be there.

As others have said, DH does not need permission from his ex to get his son help. If he loves him as much as he claims to then he will act on this asap. No excuses.

For you, - and I’m sorry if this scares you - the top priority is the safety of your sons. Keep them away from DSS at all costs. Because his behaviours are not healthy and it’s not worth the risk.

[Honeysuckle16]

This is very concerning behaviour from your DSS and he needs to be kept apart from your own children for the foreseeable future.

Talk again with your husband and persuade him to go to your GP or HV with your concerns. If your DH won’t agree, go yourself and ask for advice. From the information you give, your DSS needs urgent intervention from social services and/or a paediatrician.

Your concerns are for all 3 children involved, so emphasise you’re not blaming or labelling your DSS. He needs help to identify where this behaviour originates and to manage it. The longer it is left, the worse things will get.