AIBU

[justplaintired1]

My partner and I have been together 3 years, I have 2 DS, he has 1 DS, all are teenagers.
In the past year his DS has started being rude towards me and my children. He steals from us and breaks my children's belongings. To a point where we have to hide anything valuable.
Partner allows him to come and go as he pleases, which was something I agreed with, as I wanted him to feel like it was his home as well.
My eldest, who has to room share, will now not stay at home when SS is there.
I have spoken with my partner about it but he refuses to discipline him, as his ex will make things difficult for him (whole different story!!) SS will not listen to me at all.
My children are missing out on so much because of him.
I know I would be putting partner in a very difficult situation to insist things change.
AIBU in feeling this is make or break decision with my relationship if partner does not support a change in contact with SS?

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Is it your home?

[Chocolatebuttonns]

Yanbu at all. Your children are suffering and your partner won't do anything about it. I would be saying sort it out or leave. How his ex behaves isn't your problem.

[CharmedCult]

Your priority is your children.

You’ve tried living together, it doesn’t work.

It’s time for you to put your son first, your son who now feels he can’t even stay in his own home and literally has to hide any valuables.

That’s not to say you and your partner need to split up (if you can bear staying with such an ineffective wet lettuce) but living together hasn’t worked and can be revisited when all of the children are adults and no longer living at home.

[justplaintired1]

@AnneLovesGilbert

Is it your home?

Yes, my home.

[Cbljgdpk]

You’re essentially going to lose your DC if you don’t put them first; you already are by one child not wanting to stay when he is there. Honestly I’d just say that you either need to split or move out and be together without living together

[BulldogMumma]

I wouldn't put up with anyone disrespecting my home. If your partner won't discipline him then tell him he's not welcome in your home until he can respect it

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Then ask them to leave. It’ll be the end of your relationship but it’s not like it’s serving you or your children well at the moment. He’s treating all of you and your home with utter contempt and I wouldn’t choose to live like that.

His horrible kid is his responsibility, you should prioritise your own two sons.

Just imagine how great life will be without the constant angst and hassle. Your son having his own room back. Peace and harmony and getting to enjoy your boys.

Tell him it’s not working. Stop his son coming over and give him a month to get out. Any more hassle or unpleasantness he goes immediately.

[p1ppyL0ngstocking]

You're putting the feelings and wants of a child of the man you're dating ahead of your own child; why?

It's your home. Your DP living with you, and his son having free rein to come and go as he pleases is difficult for you, and pushing your own children out of their home; why would you allow that to happen?

You are able to have a relationship with this man without him living in your home, without him alienating your DC, so why don't you just do that?

He can deal with his own son's issues in his own home, your children can feel safe and relaxed in their home and you can still date him; surely that's the easiest option?

[Illpickthatup]

Funny how they always care more about upsetting the ex than upsetting their current partner and their entire household. If he's not going to step up and be a parent then tell him he needs to leave.

[Shinyandnew1]

@justplaintired1

Yes, my home.

If it’s your home, you need to ask him and his son to leave. It’s not fair on you or your children. I don’t see how your relationship can survive if he’s letting his son do this.

Where did they live before they moved into your house?

[AmandaHoldensLips]

Your home, your rules.

You absolutely have to put your children first. This is the most basic rule of parenting.

Your eldest should not be made to room share with someone who has no respect for their space or property.

Never mind the "difficult position" you are going to put your partner in. It's his responsibility to parent his son properly, not yours. If he is now causing trouble and unhappiness in your home, then something has to change.

You only get one chance to raise your children. Your relationship with your kids is your number one priority. By putting your partner first (and forcing your DCs to put up with his son's bad behaviour), you are demonstrating that they are more important to you than your own children and their happiness.

Do not allow your partner to guilt you into doing whatever is easiest for him. Put your own kids first.

[Illpickthatup]

@AmandaHoldensLips

Your home, your rules.

You absolutely have to put your children first. This is the most basic rule of parenting.

Your eldest should not be made to room share with someone who has no respect for their space or property.

Never mind the "difficult position" you are going to put your partner in. It's his responsibility to parent his son properly, not yours. If he is now causing trouble and unhappiness in your home, then something has to change.

You only get one chance to raise your children. Your relationship with your kids is your number one priority. By putting your partner first (and forcing your DCs to put up with his son's bad behaviour), you are demonstrating that they are more important to you than your own children and their happiness.

Do not allow your partner to guilt you into doing whatever is easiest for him. Put your own kids first.

Exactly, he's happy to sit back and do nothing and put you and your kids in a difficult situation because he doesn't want to have to deal with the grief from his ex. Anything for an easy life and sod anyone else. He's being selfish.

[justplaintired1]

Thank you everyone, these are my feelings on it as well.
I will add that my DC knows that I am doing everything to support them and it has only been this week that I was told SS is the reason DS does not stay at home. That information has changed my perception on things a lot!!
I just needed that confirmation that I was not being unreasonable towards partner.
He was room sharing before moving in with me and didn't have much time with his son. I feel for him that he is likely to have to go back to that but I know where my priorities are.
I don't think there is any hope of attempting to salvage a relationship and I have had to factor that into my decisions.

[SuperstarDeejay]

How long have they been living with you?

I'm not sure I understood the part about room sharing, are you saying your eldest has to share with the DSS? Why did that happen instead of the brothers sharing?

Had you not noticed that your DS was disappearing when DSS was around?

This all sounds pretty shit for the teens. Given your partner didn't have a proper place to live of his own, were you pressured to move him in too quickly/without really working through the impacts on the boys?

[CharmedCult]

I think OP means her partner was room sharing, before moving in with her.

[SuperstarDeejay]

My eldest, who has to room share, will now not stay at home when SS is there.

This is the part I wasn't sure about.

[justplaintired1]

@SuperstarDeejay

My eldest, who has to room share, will now not stay at home when SS is there.

This is the part I wasn't sure about.

My DCs have separate rooms, youngest has small box room, eldest big double. When SS started staying over, things were fine and him and eldest DC were friends so didn't mind sharing.
Mine would feel it was unfair if they had to share and SS had a room to himself and tbh, I don't think it would solve any of the main issues.
Hope that's explained better?

[WoodBurningStov]

It's your home, I'd put my foot down and tell SS he can't stay over. Stealing is unacceptable and if your dp isn't willing to discipline him then you need to take steps to protect your dc and yourself

[SuperstarDeejay]

@justplaintired1

My DCs have separate rooms, youngest has small box room, eldest big double. When SS started staying over, things were fine and him and eldest DC were friends so didn't mind sharing.
Mine would feel it was unfair if they had to share and SS had a room to himself and tbh, I don't think it would solve any of the main issues.
Hope that's explained better?

Yep that makes sense. But you also said DSS has been treating your DS badly for a year. That didn't prompt a rethink of the sharing arrangements?

[thestepmumspacepodcast]

Hey OP,
Regardless of who's kids are who's it is not acceptable for one child to steal and for them to make another child feel so uncomfortable that they don't want to be there. 😔
In your situation if your partner isn't prepared to do anything to work to improve his child's behaviour then I think you know what you need to do.
This permissive parenting is so common x

[MeridianB]

Yup, time for him to go. You did a good thing trying to give him more time with his son but they’re both taking it for granted. Don’t leave it any longer. SS should stay away from now, too.

You and your boys should enjoy getting your home back.

[Chocolateorange11]

It’s not just your home OP, it’s your kids home too. Home is suppose to be a safe place and this would be a deal breaker for me so I think you are absolutely doing the right thing!