Them vs Us

[Ujustcantandwont]

I'm just wanting to hear from others in blended families if they have similar experiences and maybe how you have dealt with them now and over time. As I just don't know how to steer through which flares up from time to time.

DH has 2 DC (12&10) and I have 1 DC (19). We don't have any shared children.

Sometimes situations arise where arguments occur or where one feels hard done by the other and it ends up turning into a DH& his DC vs Me and my DC situation. He will stand up for his and I for mine, sometimes to the extent of an impasse if the other can't see the others side.

We've had a couple of these come to a head lately as my DC helps out at an activity youngest DSC attends. Youngest DSC has had form for misbehaving at the activity and eldest DC has had to deal with it. On occasion DH has not been happy with the way my DC has dealt with or reported back the behaviour. He feels that DC is 'stirring things up to get youngest in trouble', I feel she's got no need to do this, there's no gain on her behalf and she is just trying to deal with her SS's behaviour as best as possible at the time when she is in a position of responsibility for her. At times DH has berated my DC about this and I have stood up for her as I think its unfair.

DH can have a temper, and I think his reaction can be overboard which can make me want to leap to DC's defence more when I think there is an overreaction.

Overtime there definitely feels like there is more of an us vs them divide which makes me sad. When the children were all younger we were a much more of a happier blended family than we are now. This situation will not carry on for much longer as my DC will be going to uni in September and no longer helping at this activity. But to some extent it feels like damage has been done, relationships have been damaged certainly between DH and my DC. And I feel resentful of the situation and my DH's behaviour towards her. He's by no means a 'Disney Dad' and DSC have had consequences to their behaviour too, DCS are with us 50/50.

I don't know if I'm overreacting and just need to suck it up and probably stop defending my DC. Or if the sort of hurt I feel is warranted. I worry for mine and DH's future when my DC has left home and I will feel out on a limb due to this divide setting in. And I worry that DC will not want to come home from uni as much as they'd like if they don't feel part of a whole family unit like we used to be.

Sounds like his DC misbehaves, gets told off, and he doesn’t like that. I’d struggle to live with someone like that tbh. I don’t have any respect for people who cannot accept when their children are in the wrong. It doesn’t do the poor kids any favours either, nothing will improve.

Can your dc delegate the responsibility of the dsc to another member of staff as they're related.

That might make Dh realise it's not your dc targeting them. If it was me I'd ask that person to go overboard 😂 so your child seems like an angel

Or are you asking if it's ok that this is the hill you die on.

Is this your last straw and your had enough. Even if your dc leaves for uni will the same situations happen each holiday. Or will it still be a them and you situation

I suppose yes, is it a hill worth dying on or am I being too precious towards my DC who is now an adult. I think some of it comes down to respect and I don't feel me or DC get much of that.

Its not my last straw but its pushing me that way. And I do worry about what the future is going to look like. I love my DH, DC and DSC, I love our family which is why it upsets me to see it becoming divided. My DC is very non-conflict and will actively avoid it, so I feel myself needing to stick up for her even at her age because she will just say sorry and back out of the situation asap but I think part of that is having to deal with DH's over the top reaction levels.

DC has tried to delegate at the activity. DSC does unfortunately tend to seek her out and seems to be more disruptive because she is there, for reasons I don't understand

It's completely possible that it's both of your DC who are to blame, and they aren't bringing out the best in each other when one is in charge it's the other.

There is still lots of time between now and September for problems. Do they both need to be there? Are there other groups there that one of them can switch to?

It sounds like a normal sibling dynamic in this situation to be honest, what's throwing it off kilter is you and your husband's reaction to it.

I’d end this , is it worth it ?

Worth it yes. It’s a 10 year relationship, married for four years. And a strong relationship with my DSC that I wouldn’t walk away from lightly. I’m looking for experience and ideas for resolutions. We are a family albeit a bit of a disjointed one right now

This is so hard and definitely can feel like a them vs us situation.

If your DC was acting in their capacity of the leader of an activity then DH has no right to have a go at her. Having said that it is natural to always want to defend our own DCs.

Is everything else good in the relationship?

On occasion DH has not been happy with the way my DC has dealt with or reported back the behaviour. He feels that DC is 'stirring things up to get youngest in trouble'

Is it behaviour that deserves being reported back though? Or are you only finding out about it because you all live together? For example, if your DD wasn’t their DSS, would you have even known about it? Is it the type of behaviour that another helper would have contacted you about or would the kids have just got a telling off at the time & you’d have been none the wiser? When other kids misbehave in a similar fashion, does your DD contact their parents about it too or is it only dealt with at the time with the child?

If this is only being reported because they’re living in the same house & not because the behaviour actually warranted parental involvement & would otherwise have gone unreported i.e. another helper would not have contacted you about it nor would your DD have contacted another child’s parents for similar behaviour, then I can see why your DSD might feel picked on and your DH might feel it’s stirring to get them into trouble.

Everything else is ok in the relationship other than I don't think we gel as a family as much anymore. The knock on effect of that is that me and DH probably don't spend as much time together either. I don't like the way he handles these issues as he gets very irate very quickly when it could be dealt with calmly and have a better outcome. He seems to go instantly on the defence. And then I in turn defend DD because it seems like a disproportionate and unfair reaction.

@QueenOfTheLabyrinth I see your point, and I would say it is a bit of both. At times she has come home and told just me DSD has misbehaved and I have asked her if its on a level where parents would have been told and she's said no, so I haven't told DH and asked her not to either. But on other occasions she has had to report home or explain why DSD has been excluded from activities etc because of behaviour. And as I say she seems to act up and seek out DD at times. I have since had a word with the activity and asked any issues with DSD are reported direct to DH if it is required rather than relying on DD to relay this just because she was there and also takes DSD to and from.

In your OP, when your DH has said your DD is stirring, you say I feel she's got no need to do this, there's no gain on her behalf and she is just trying to deal with her SS's behaviour as best as possible at the time when she is in a position of responsibility for her but now you’ve acknowledged that actually “it is a bit of both” & your DD has - on occasion - carried tales back home when there was no need to which IS stirring the pot so your DH isn’t entirely wrong, is he? You may not have told your DH about these occasions & told your DD not to say anything either but your DH has rightly picked up on it somehow so to pretend he’s completely wrong is gaslighty. The fact he has managed to pick up on it would also suggest that maybe you’ve been a bit blind to what has actually been going on.

Obviously your DSD’s are at fault & play a big part in this but your DH’s feeling aren’t completely unfounded either so maybe he would feel less defensive of his children & there would be less of a divide in the household if you were to acknowledge your DD’s part in it.

I definitely don't think you should stop standing up for your DC (as you suggest in the last paragraph of your OP). It sounds like a tricky situation with perhaps some blame on both sides, but your DC needs to know that you're supporting them.