I'm just wanting to hear from others in blended families if they have similar experiences and maybe how you have dealt with them now and over time. As I just don't know how to steer through which flares up from time to time.
DH has 2 DC (12&10) and I have 1 DC (19). We don't have any shared children.
Sometimes situations arise where arguments occur or where one feels hard done by the other and it ends up turning into a DH& his DC vs Me and my DC situation. He will stand up for his and I for mine, sometimes to the extent of an impasse if the other can't see the others side.
We've had a couple of these come to a head lately as my DC helps out at an activity youngest DSC attends. Youngest DSC has had form for misbehaving at the activity and eldest DC has had to deal with it. On occasion DH has not been happy with the way my DC has dealt with or reported back the behaviour. He feels that DC is 'stirring things up to get youngest in trouble', I feel she's got no need to do this, there's no gain on her behalf and she is just trying to deal with her SS's behaviour as best as possible at the time when she is in a position of responsibility for her. At times DH has berated my DC about this and I have stood up for her as I think its unfair.
DH can have a temper, and I think his reaction can be overboard which can make me want to leap to DC's defence more when I think there is an overreaction.
Overtime there definitely feels like there is more of an us vs them divide which makes me sad. When the children were all younger we were a much more of a happier blended family than we are now. This situation will not carry on for much longer as my DC will be going to uni in September and no longer helping at this activity. But to some extent it feels like damage has been done, relationships have been damaged certainly between DH and my DC. And I feel resentful of the situation and my DH's behaviour towards her. He's by no means a 'Disney Dad' and DSC have had consequences to their behaviour too, DCS are with us 50/50.
I don't know if I'm overreacting and just need to suck it up and probably stop defending my DC. Or if the sort of hurt I feel is warranted. I worry for mine and DH's future when my DC has left home and I will feel out on a limb due to this divide setting in. And I worry that DC will not want to come home from uni as much as they'd like if they don't feel part of a whole family unit like we used to be.
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Them vs Us
Ujustcantandwont · 07/03/2024 10:07
Ujustcantandwont · 10/03/2024 22:40
Worth it yes. It’s a 10 year relationship, married for four years. And a strong relationship with my DSC that I wouldn’t walk away from lightly. I’m looking for experience and ideas for resolutions. We are a family albeit a bit of a disjointed one right now
Ujustcantandwont · 14/03/2024 14:44
Everything else is ok in the relationship other than I don't think we gel as a family as much anymore. The knock on effect of that is that me and DH probably don't spend as much time together either. I don't like the way he handles these issues as he gets very irate very quickly when it could be dealt with calmly and have a better outcome. He seems to go instantly on the defence. And then I in turn defend DD because it seems like a disproportionate and unfair reaction.
@QueenOfTheLabyrinth I see your point, and I would say it is a bit of both. At times she has come home and told just me DSD has misbehaved and I have asked her if its on a level where parents would have been told and she's said no, so I haven't told DH and asked her not to either. But on other occasions she has had to report home or explain why DSD has been excluded from activities etc because of behaviour. And as I say she seems to act up and seek out DD at times. I have since had a word with the activity and asked any issues with DSD are reported direct to DH if it is required rather than relying on DD to relay this just because she was there and also takes DSD to and from.
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