Violent SS

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Evening! My mid teen SS is going through not wanting to come to our house, fair enough, he wants to see his mates, play on his consoles, sit in his room all day on his phone. DH is really upset and trying to enforce contact which is going down like a lead balloon! I can see where both are coming from but he has started squaring up to DH like he wants to fight him, calling him the most vile names and hitting objects in anger. I don't know what to do really, but something has to give, DH and I have a younger child who is struggling with not seeing her DB but it may be for the best if he is screaming, swearing and smashing things up. Should I try to intervene? I know both SS and DH love each other but it seems testosterone (from SS) is making it seem impossible. Tia

In the nicest possible way OP you need to stay out of it.

it doesn’t sound like him being there is really in anyone’s best interests, you could maybe try and encourage your DH to see that being a good dad is supporting his son to make his own choices , rather than contact for contacts sake.

I have been low involvement for a while but wanted to check that I was doing the right thing. DH does need to appreciate that teens are very different to younger children but I appreciate that he wants to see him, wants him to see his sibling. I know DH worries about parenting at mum's house as it is creating a very angry boy!

If he’s a mid teen, it must be very frustrating for him not to feel listened to. A court would not enforce contact at his dad’s house as he would be deemed old enough to make his own mind up.
The child has a right to a relationship with his dad, not the other way around.
His dad should be trying to see him on his son’s terms. Maybe take him out for food, give lifts to meet his mates. He will come back around.

I don’t think you should stay out of it though if it’s creating an unpleasant living environment for your own DC though

I don't think you should stay out of it. I think you make valid points and your DH could benefit from hearing your perspective which actually seems more aware of SS needs than he is.

Unfortunately as they get older they don't wish to come as much as they did and that's ok, DH will need to find new ways to spend time with his son in a way that works for all.

What are the concerns at the mums? Honestly, I think your DH should respect his DC wishes, why enforce contact to have an angry and explosive environment. I would be having a frank conversation that you don't want your child exposed to it and perhaps he should try arranging something outside of the home or connecting in a different way.

Has DH tried to meet him where he is rather than pretending he’s not growing up with changing priorities - offering to take him for a burger instead of insisting he comes over, that sort of thing?

I’d have zero tolerance for violence in my home, least of all around my young children. DH should try and maintain the best relationship he can with his son without negative impact on you and your child. Nothing with children stays the same for long, things are always changing and we need to adapt, not try and fight it.

It’s sad DD misses him not being around as much but the priority should be the DH/DSS relationship for now and she’ll be being damaged by seeing a much larger teen boy kicking off and trashing things in her home.

Of course you’re involved, this is going on under your roof, it must be very upsetting seeing people you love angry and distressed. Your job is to keep your DD’s home a safe and happy space to the best of your ability. Look after yourself too.

I've said they should meet up somewhere to do something together but my DH struggles as the outbursts can appear from nowhere and SS has clenched his fists at dad a few times now looking like trying to fight him, my DH is not a violent man at all!

The worry is why is he so angry, aggressive and violent, I know rebellion is normal but surely not all teens are physically aggressive.

No, my teen DSC aren’t violent. How is DSS at school? Does DH have a relationship with school and could he raise his concerns there?

He is always in trouble at school and late every day. Not sure if DH could speak to school but it might be an idea.

Unfortunately lots of the bad behaviour gets blamed on DH, he's too strict, expects too much etc. by SS and mum and the rest is blamed on peers (like stealing, it was because his friend encouraged him apparently but his friend wasn't stealing, but it wasn't ss's fault at all.) I think the fact that he is absolved of any and all poor behaviour by mum makes the whole situation harder. DH is very concerned that he is going to get in a lot of trouble with the aggression and end up really hurt if he does it at the wrong person but he thinks no one will be able to hurt him.

I see your worry. I think you are allowed to put forth an opinion (privately to DH) when aggression is in front of you in your home.

Would SS like to invite a friend over when he visits sometimes?

I also like the idea of DH and SS finding common interest in a socially acceptable and enjoyable outing. Does SS follow any sporting teams? Would he like to learn to surf? Wouldhe like to be good on a skate board? Does he show any interest in flying drones or model planes? Does he like Zoos? Could DH become good at a computer game that they could enjoy together? Would SS like to eat out and play TenPin bowling in a team? Could DH and SS cycle together from each other's homes? Would SS like to cook his favourite meal for you all? Would owning a dog be good for SS (and the dog)?

I also think DH should concern himself with why his son is late to school. SS should be expected to follow rules that are socially accepted by society. Going to school on time is just one basic rule.