Navigating jealousy over a new baby

[PaintedEgg]

Thought I may ask for some advice from people who may have been in a similar situation

I have a 8yo step-daughter and a 5mo baby

I have met my SD when she 4. My husband and his ex share custody and we have SD with us every day for at least few hours after school, and she often stays over.

Now, the family dynamic has obviously changed with a new baby. She tries her best to be a good big sister, but she is also still just a little girl and clearly jealous.

Soon after baby was born, she started asking if I "really, really love her", she often asks her dad to take her sister away from me so we can talk without baby being around.

She also had a phase of saying I cannot say I love her because she is her mum's daughter and only her mum can say it - I was pretty confused by that (and to be fair, a little hurt but I didn't tell). Then it went right back to asking "you love me, right?". There are all sorts of other behaviours that indicate she feels unsure and jealous.

So, can anyone offer some good advice on navigating this new situation to mitigate stress...and possibly not step on any toes?

[lunar1]

Be consistent, keep being who you have always been with her. It might take time, but once she sees you aren't changing with her she will relax again.

[YesThatsATurdOnTheRug]

I would put aside a little time to spend with her each week without baby too, just a half hour or hour while dad has baby. Sounds like she's doing her best to express herself nicely but needs to feel loved.

[Illpickthatup]

I think jealousy is only natural. It happens in nuclear families so it's not specific to step-families. Although I can see how it can impact stepkids more as their sibling gets to stay every night while they're split between 2 houses.

How is your relationship with DSDs mum? Could she have put the idea in DSD head that only her mum can love her or say she loves her?

I think you just need to keep reassuring her that she is loved. Maybe take some time just for her. Get OH to look after the baby and take DSD to get her nails done or a trip to her favourite cafe etc. Does she have her own room at your house? Could you maybe re-decorate her room together or even new bedding just to reaffirm that this is her home as well and she belongs as much as the new baby?

[SingingSands]

Ah bless her, it's hard when a new sibling comes along. I hope her mum isn't putting doubts in her head, it would be incredibly cruel and not fair if that was happening.

I'd use lots of positive phrases around her and the baby such as "I love it when you make baby laugh", "look at my two girls together", "you're such a good big sister".

And when you're alone, at bedtime especially, just love bomb her. "Thanks for making me laugh today" "I loved listening to you sing in the car" "you make me and daddy so proud"

You want to reassure her and create a family bond and it takes time, but keep using positive language and it will sink in and she will settle.

[PaintedEgg]

thank you for the replies

I try to spend time with her without the baby and she seems to really enjoy it. she has her own room and we recently did some re-organising recently, but I think she is struggling with sharing the attention.

as for relations with her mum - it is a weird one and there is some one-sided tension there. I have never personally met her, however she did talk about me both to shared friends and to her daughter. She also did really questionable things when I was pregnant which raised our eyebrows but we've let it slide.

So it would be in line with her previous actions to say something like this, but I have no solid evidence and I don't want to question SD.

SD has also asked me few times if her sister is going to call me mum and if she can call me mum too, but then immediately backtracked saying it'a not right. Again, a bit odd one but I did not want to question her about it.

[NewNameNigel]

It sound like she's struggling to know her place and where she fits in with the family. I would just keep doing what you're doing and make sure she knows you still care about her and always will.

[Illpickthatup]

It sounds like her mum is possibly putting some ideas in her head which is a shame. There's not really much you can do about that other than continue to reassure her and just bear it in mind when she's says something that she could be under the influence of her mum.

In terms of calling you mum, her mum has probably told her she's not allowed which is why DSD backtracked after she said it. I don't think any child should be actively encouraged to call their stepmum "mum" but if it's something they want to do then I would just let her. If it comes up again rather than say yes or no say "it's completely up to you what you want to call me, it's your choice and I will support your choice".

[PaintedEgg]

@Illpickthatup I agree that it should not be encouraged, if anything it could introduce more confusion -she has mum who really loves her. Nothing should upset or put this relationship in question. I also don't think it's my place to discuss it with SD so this is exactly what I said, that it's up to her what she calls me.

I always placed myself as simply another adult in her life - not a primary parental figure...and I think this is the confusing part for all of us. Now there is someone for whom I am a mum and we all need to figure out how to reassure SD that I love her just as much as I always did and she is just as important, while not upsetting her mum in anyway and maintaining that respect for the relationship they have

it's a bit of a thin ice territory, so thank you everyone for advice!

[waterlellon]

@NewNameNigel

It sound like she's struggling to know her place and where she fits in with the family. I would just keep doing what you're doing and make sure she knows you still care about her and always will.

This, she's probably just finding her place. As long as she's kind to baby it will work out

[Grapesandcheesetwo]

When I became a step mum I didn't want to label it as that, I just wanted to be 'Grapes', but I found my step children found it much easier when we were a bit clearer with labels. Your step daughter is a bit older than my two were so I don't have recommendations, but maybe books or TV programmes with step families could help normalise your family setup.
Could you draw a family tree 'for the baby' that includes you all - people that live in your house labelled with mum/stepmum/dad/daughter/stepdaughter/sister as appropriate? And family outside your house like her mum, grandparents, etc.

[excessivescreentime]

OP, no advice, but you sound like a lovely step mum

[CaramelEmporium]

I thought that too @excessivescreentime

[Genevieva]

Reassure her that she is the best big sister and that you are so proud of her. Tell her that the baby loves her and when the baby is older she can teach her to do things, but also make sure she always gets some privileges for being older.