Avoiding teen stepkid

[Kali9]

Stepchild is 14 and going through a rebellious stage. Not a bad kid but a lot of attitude and refusal to do as told going on at the min. Stays with us half the week, one week 3 nights and the next 4.

However, mum keeps sending DSC over because she "can't deal" with bad behaviour which means we get left with a moody child all evening at a moments notice.

We have two young DC, I work full time and some nights I just want to come home and chill knowing that from 7pm onwards I can relax and then all of a sudden DSC will turn up because of a bit of backchat to mum and that's it, sat in the living room all evening sulking with us then or being told off by DH, tears, shouting etc..

I just can't be bothered with it some evenings so will take myself to bed when the little ones go up and stay up there watching TV upstairs or something.

I hate that her mum just gets to duck out of parenting whenever she "can't cope" and leaves it to us and then I get it from DH about not wanting to be around it (when her own mum doesn't).

I hate not knowing if or when I'm coming home to it or being out for child free time and having phone calls off her mum crying because a teenager back chatted her and she "can't cope" with it.

Just finding the whole thing very frustrating right now and to be perfectly honest absolutely hate being around her, I hate that I have to deal with her in my home more than her mum does because she gets to say "I can't cope" and that's fine but I can't just go upstairs for a break from it and she's not even mine.

It's not even absolutely awful behaviour, but it's frustrating that anything just seems to land her at our house all the time and we end up being the ones dealing with sulking / having to do the grounding etc

[Youcannotbeseriousreally]

Why is your DH allowing this? I’d be talking to him. It’s not acceptable to be treated like this at all.

It’s so unfair of the mum to make you always the bad guys, don’t let it continue to happen and certainly don’t have all your free time ruined!

[Springcat]

Try doing the same back on the days you have her
Or send her home before she gets through the door
Or say to the mum ,you will reduce maintenance to cover for the expenses of having her over when it's not your day .
Failing all that
Talk to your DH ,but as he's the one allowing the situation,and he's very very unlikely to send his own kid back to her mum's ...I think your stuck with the situation

[ObliviousCoalmine]

@Springcat

Try doing the same back on the days you have her
Or send her home before she gets through the door
Or say to the mum ,you will reduce maintenance to cover for the expenses of having her over when it's not your day .
Failing all that
Talk to your DH ,but as he's the one allowing the situation,and he's very very unlikely to send his own kid back to her mum's ...I think your stuck with the situation

Please don't use the child as a chess piece. I imagine she feels shit enough as it is being dumped by her mum to be shouted at when they've fallen out.

[BoohooWoohoo]

Your h and the ex are the problem here. Yanbu to chill in your room rather than put up with the current situation.

Things will only change if your h says no to his ex or accepts that you have every right to not get involved with parenting. Maybe they have always parented in that old fashioned “Wait until your father hears about this ” way so your h can’t and won’t protect “your” evenings ? If I had tried to send my kids to my ex at that age then they would have said no and barricaded themselves in their room tbh so I find it interesting that sd complies to that demand from mum- is it possible that sd has used the threat of going to dad’s when angry and this has become routine for mum and sd?

[PieAndLattes]

The mother is sending a terrible message to the child - that she’s making your family into ‘the punishment’, and that she has the power to remove her DD from her own home every time there’s an argument. No child should feel insecure in their own house.

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. You don’t know what to expect after work, how many to feed, or whether you’ll have to spend the evening dealing with a sulky teen. Your DH needs to address this with her mother - sticking to set days unless by prior arrangement, not threatening the DD with you as punishment rather than dealing with the issues, and ensuring the DD has consistent parenting and is secure in the rules (I.e. not getting dumped every time there is a spat).

It’s worth making it clear that you’re happy to be flexible and do extra days if agreed in advance, but only getting the DD when she’s in a bad mood is unfair on her and the rest of your family. It also means that the issues at home go unresolved.

[TheCosySeal]

Tell the mum to stop sending her across?? That she needs to keep her for her own nights and if she sends her on a night that isn’t yours then your have her one less night on your block of 3/4

[SemperIdem]

Her mother needs to stop being so weak and actually parent.

[socks1107]

Your husband needs to say no. She can't come.

We were in a similar situation but it was constant phone calls. All times of day, any day of the week with no respect to our work (mum doesn't work) and what actually happened was we had a bad cop good cop situation and my dh was bad cop as he did all the discipline by phone. It has ended up with us being estranged from her as she sees him as someone who is angry and controlling, in fact he was reacting to bad behaviour and having to deal with all discipline due to mum and her constant phone calls. The screaming was awful down the phone and by the time we picked her everyone was cross, anxious and worn down with it, we did stop it but it was far too late to have any impact and as a young adult her and mum are besties with no discipline needed now.
Stand up to her now and say she has parent her on her days and you won't be home.

[caramac04]

The mother needs to step up and parent her child. Poor kid might be awkward, what teenager isn’t?, but being pushed away by her mum is not ok.

[muggart]

If she's turning up at your house with an attitude and being horrible then I think it's fair to say something to your DH along the lines of "I will be happy to spend time with her when she is civil and polite. I'm not obliged to be on the receiving end of her bad moods, so have a word with her about her behaviour and then we can try again to spend time together as a family."

I sympathise with her Mum a little. If they're clashing really badly then she might need Dad to do extra to help even if it's technically her contact time. Great parenting probably does require some flexibility. However it doesn't sound like sending her to her dads is actually making a difference.