DSS is 11, about to turn 12, and just started high school after summer. He lives with us full time with other DSS7 and our 2 children we have together.
DSS 11 has always been quite hard work but it has ramped up massively since he has started high school. He speaks to everyone in the house like absolute shit, puts others down constantly, and is really rude and derogatory. He tries to control others, and will threaten with violence if his younger brother isnt doing what he wants. He will also frequently say that he is going to 'batter' anyone who has bothered him at school and often fake punches as a way of threatening or joke-threatening someone (for example if he asked DH for something and DH says no he will pretend to punch him in the face but might laugh so if DH pulls him up he says it's a joke). Saying all that, he can also be loving and thoughtful, however the difficult side has become more prevalent since he has started high school. DH and I have discussed it and DH is struggling massively with it too and they are now often arguing which can often create a really negative atmosphere in the house.
DH thinks that DSS thinks that now he is at high school that he is grown up and he thinks that he is being cool by talking how he is. I think DH could be right but I don't know how we change it, no amount of discussion seems to work. DH will give consequences but these also have minimal effect and any effect they do have is only temporary for a very short period.
I know teenagers can be hard work but to be honest it's just really horrible to be around. My younger DSS is now starting to copy some of the behaviour and language, talking down to and being negative about others, fake punching and talking about punching or battering people who annoy him, and I am terrified that our shared children will start to do the same or grow up seeing that as normal. I'm also worried about the impact that how he is speaking to them will have on their self-image and self-esteem as he is constantly saying negative things about them and putting them down. There are times when I just want to take my own children away from it because I don't want them growing up being spoken to like this, my toddler adores him and I'm scared of the impact it will have on her to be spoken to and treated the way she is by someone she loves. I don't want her thinking that it's okay for someone to be speaking that way to her.
But I know he does love her and he can also be great with her (although the negative speak is becoming increasingly the norm) I also don't want to split our family up and surely there are nuclear families where the teenager is a bit of a shit to the younger kids and what do they do? I honestly don't know what's for the best.
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Struggling with DSS since he started high school
Bluedabidee · 27/12/2023 04:03
Josette77 · 27/12/2023 04:08
How often are other kids bothering him at school? Sounds like he's maybe being bullied and trying to toughen himself up.
Have you guys sat down and asked him what's going on?
Josette77 · 27/12/2023 04:08
How often are other kids bothering him at school? Sounds like he's maybe being bullied and trying to toughen himself up.
Have you guys sat down and asked him what's going on?
Pepperama · 27/12/2023 05:08
Was going to say sounds like my DS just before he turned 12 but my DS had a nuclear family, apart from Covid normal schooling and always had a group of friends. But same switch to horrible attitude, pretend violence, moaning and complaining about everything. We fought every day about foul language, lack of effort at school, not helping around the house… (But also loving and cuddly and funny at times). Think it’s when the hormones kick in and all is about what other boys in school think of you as they lose their sense of self. And parents being seriously annoying.
Obviously, for your DSS there’s even more going on with his two families, sibling dynamics, school struggles, friendship issues etc. Sounds tough for him and tough for you. What’s helped us is a united front among us adults. Trying really hard to find and acknowledge anything that he does that’s positive - we noticed that otherwise we could spend days without saying a single nice thing about/to him. And yes, if there’s any way you can get some family counselling that’d be great. Maybe if it’s not about him (signaling there’s something else wrong with him, not good given he already has to deal with needing learning support) but you make it about the whole family that could help.
no idea if any of this is useful. It’s a tricky time. I’ve seen it several times with friends and their sons - a few years later they do come out the other side as perfectly lovely men.
Spencer0220 · 27/12/2023 09:54
@Bluedabidee it's a shame your husband has been raised to think that therapy is negative.
My DH was raised like that. He had a bereavement and didn't want therapy. I supported him as best I could. When it started affecting me, I put my foot down and told him if he wasn't prepared to get therapy, he had to accept that it would ultimately lead to our separation down the line.
He was so scared I would walk, because he knows I follow through, he agreed to try. At his request, I found a lady that matched his criteria.
He's been in therapy the last 2 years for trauma and it's been a game changer. His family has downplayed the therapy and fought back against everything. He's totally unrecognisable from the man I married and he is so much happier.
Tough road, but put your foot down and mean it.
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