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Original poster

Struggling with DSS since he started high school

18 replies

Bluedabidee · 27/12/2023 04:03

DSS is 11, about to turn 12, and just started high school after summer. He lives with us full time with other DSS7 and our 2 children we have together.

DSS 11 has always been quite hard work but it has ramped up massively since he has started high school. He speaks to everyone in the house like absolute shit, puts others down constantly, and is really rude and derogatory. He tries to control others, and will threaten with violence if his younger brother isnt doing what he wants. He will also frequently say that he is going to 'batter' anyone who has bothered him at school and often fake punches as a way of threatening or joke-threatening someone (for example if he asked DH for something and DH says no he will pretend to punch him in the face but might laugh so if DH pulls him up he says it's a joke). Saying all that, he can also be loving and thoughtful, however the difficult side has become more prevalent since he has started high school. DH and I have discussed it and DH is struggling massively with it too and they are now often arguing which can often create a really negative atmosphere in the house.

DH thinks that DSS thinks that now he is at high school that he is grown up and he thinks that he is being cool by talking how he is. I think DH could be right but I don't know how we change it, no amount of discussion seems to work. DH will give consequences but these also have minimal effect and any effect they do have is only temporary for a very short period.

I know teenagers can be hard work but to be honest it's just really horrible to be around. My younger DSS is now starting to copy some of the behaviour and language, talking down to and being negative about others, fake punching and talking about punching or battering people who annoy him, and I am terrified that our shared children will start to do the same or grow up seeing that as normal. I'm also worried about the impact that how he is speaking to them will have on their self-image and self-esteem as he is constantly saying negative things about them and putting them down. There are times when I just want to take my own children away from it because I don't want them growing up being spoken to like this, my toddler adores him and I'm scared of the impact it will have on her to be spoken to and treated the way she is by someone she loves. I don't want her thinking that it's okay for someone to be speaking that way to her.
But I know he does love her and he can also be great with her (although the negative speak is becoming increasingly the norm) I also don't want to split our family up and surely there are nuclear families where the teenager is a bit of a shit to the younger kids and what do they do? I honestly don't know what's for the best.

OP posts:
Josette77 · 27/12/2023 04:08

How often are other kids bothering him at school? Sounds like he's maybe being bullied and trying to toughen himself up.

Have you guys sat down and asked him what's going on?

Original poster
Bluedabidee · 27/12/2023 04:19

Josette77 · 27/12/2023 04:08

How often are other kids bothering him at school? Sounds like he's maybe being bullied and trying to toughen himself up.

Have you guys sat down and asked him what's going on?

That's something I should have added and meant to, he is really struggling socially at high school. He's not being bullied by any particular children but he is coming home having had issues with different children very regularly and has had arguments and small physical spats with a number already and he says he feels very unlikely. He says that when he goes to try talk to other kids they will either ignore him, tell him to fuck off or just brush him off with their response. I always knew he would struggle socially at high school as his social skills aren't great (he missed a lot of school when living with his mum which is a big part of why he now lives with us). His way of trying to impress people is by boasting and putting others down. We tried to help him with this and had thought it was likely down to low self-esteem and had hoped that by trying to help him build his self-esteem that this might lessen. This seemed to be having an impact when he was at primary, he still did it but it definitely did become less as time went on with him living with us but it has ramped right up again now he has started high school.

He is adamant that we don't talk to the school about anything that has happened though. He is also behind academically having missed school and so has been identified by the school for learning support which he was distraught about.

I know that he is really struggling with his sense of self but it's hard because if he speaks to others in school the way he is speaking to us at home (and I actually think he may be even worse in how he is talking to his peers) then it's understandable why the other kids aren't wanting to talk to him much, but then it's just a cycle isn't it? And how do we break him out of that cycle.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluedabidee · 27/12/2023 04:23

Josette77 · 27/12/2023 04:08

How often are other kids bothering him at school? Sounds like he's maybe being bullied and trying to toughen himself up.

Have you guys sat down and asked him what's going on?

We talk a lot as well and have had a number of deep discussions where we've tried to

  1. get to the bottom of how he's feeling and what's happening at school
  2. tried to highlight the impact of his speech and behaviour on others, both in school and at home
  3. tried to find solutions to support him moving forward.

He's been through a lot that I wouldn't wish on any child, they've not seen their mum for over 6 months and he was given the chance to see her over Christmas but said he didn't want to until after the new year because things have been calm and settled and he didn't want any upsets over the holidays. I think he needs to go into therapy but he doesn't want to go and DH doesn't want to push it if he doesn't want to.

OP posts:
Pepperama · 27/12/2023 05:08

Was going to say sounds like my DS just before he turned 12 but my DS had a nuclear family, apart from Covid normal schooling and always had a group of friends. But same switch to horrible attitude, pretend violence, moaning and complaining about everything. We fought every day about foul language, lack of effort at school, not helping around the house… (But also loving and cuddly and funny at times). Think it’s when the hormones kick in and all is about what other boys in school think of you as they lose their sense of self. And parents being seriously annoying.

Obviously, for your DSS there’s even more going on with his two families, sibling dynamics, school struggles, friendship issues etc. Sounds tough for him and tough for you. What’s helped us is a united front among us adults. Trying really hard to find and acknowledge anything that he does that’s positive - we noticed that otherwise we could spend days without saying a single nice thing about/to him. And yes, if there’s any way you can get some family counselling that’d be great. Maybe if it’s not about him (signaling there’s something else wrong with him, not good given he already has to deal with needing learning support) but you make it about the whole family that could help.

no idea if any of this is useful. It’s a tricky time. I’ve seen it several times with friends and their sons - a few years later they do come out the other side as perfectly lovely men.

HowDoYouFeel · 27/12/2023 05:25

He desperately needs therapy. He sounds like there's very unhappy. I know he doesn't want you to, but his dad/you needs to talk to the school.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/12/2023 05:45

He's been through a lot that I wouldn't wish on any child, they've not seen their mum for over 6 months and he was given the chance to see her over Christmas but said he didn't want to until after the new year because things have been calm and settled and he didn't want any upsets over the holidays. I think he needs to go into therapy but he doesn't want to go and DH doesn't want to push it if he doesn't want to.

Poor poor baby. My heart goes out to all of you.

I was raised in a house with a violent older brother and I can't reassure you. It affects me decades later. I wish my parents had sought help. Even if you all seek family therapy without him, leaving the door open for him to join you at any point. That's likely to be really useful. Him being 'the problem' when he clearly wasn't the instigator isn't OK. You getting family therapy signals that's it's a family issue, you will all work to solve.

Original poster
Bluedabidee · 27/12/2023 05:48

Pepperama · 27/12/2023 05:08

Was going to say sounds like my DS just before he turned 12 but my DS had a nuclear family, apart from Covid normal schooling and always had a group of friends. But same switch to horrible attitude, pretend violence, moaning and complaining about everything. We fought every day about foul language, lack of effort at school, not helping around the house… (But also loving and cuddly and funny at times). Think it’s when the hormones kick in and all is about what other boys in school think of you as they lose their sense of self. And parents being seriously annoying.

Obviously, for your DSS there’s even more going on with his two families, sibling dynamics, school struggles, friendship issues etc. Sounds tough for him and tough for you. What’s helped us is a united front among us adults. Trying really hard to find and acknowledge anything that he does that’s positive - we noticed that otherwise we could spend days without saying a single nice thing about/to him. And yes, if there’s any way you can get some family counselling that’d be great. Maybe if it’s not about him (signaling there’s something else wrong with him, not good given he already has to deal with needing learning support) but you make it about the whole family that could help.

no idea if any of this is useful. It’s a tricky time. I’ve seen it several times with friends and their sons - a few years later they do come out the other side as perfectly lovely men.

I think family therapy could be a good way to go and in all honesty I think we would all benefit from it. I will need to try to talk DH into it though as he comes from a background where his parents pretty much put down anyone who needs therapy as weak people not capable of dealing with life so when I've suggested it in the past he has brushed it off saying we can manage things ourselves and he doesnt need a stranger telling him what to do (have explained that's not what therapy is). I am actually speaking to a therapist myself as I had been finding things really tough and it has been invaluable for me so I know we could all really benefit from it.

OP posts:
Colinfromaccounts · 27/12/2023 05:53

It doesn’t matter what he wants, of course no kid is going to want his parents talking to the school, but when you have a child struggling both socially and with learning then that is what you do, you work with the school to advocate for him.

likewise, if you have a kid this age who has been through what he has, you put him in to therapy. You are the parents, you decide. Do it now while you still have the opportunity to create a positive outcome because in a few short years it will be too late for you to be able to intervene.

Spencer0220 · 27/12/2023 09:54

@Bluedabidee it's a shame your husband has been raised to think that therapy is negative.

My DH was raised like that. He had a bereavement and didn't want therapy. I supported him as best I could. When it started affecting me, I put my foot down and told him if he wasn't prepared to get therapy, he had to accept that it would ultimately lead to our separation down the line.

He was so scared I would walk, because he knows I follow through, he agreed to try. At his request, I found a lady that matched his criteria.

He's been in therapy the last 2 years for trauma and it's been a game changer. His family has downplayed the therapy and fought back against everything. He's totally unrecognisable from the man I married and he is so much happier.

Tough road, but put your foot down and mean it.

Spencer0220 · 27/12/2023 09:56

Spencer0220 · 27/12/2023 09:54

@Bluedabidee it's a shame your husband has been raised to think that therapy is negative.

My DH was raised like that. He had a bereavement and didn't want therapy. I supported him as best I could. When it started affecting me, I put my foot down and told him if he wasn't prepared to get therapy, he had to accept that it would ultimately lead to our separation down the line.

He was so scared I would walk, because he knows I follow through, he agreed to try. At his request, I found a lady that matched his criteria.

He's been in therapy the last 2 years for trauma and it's been a game changer. His family has downplayed the therapy and fought back against everything. He's totally unrecognisable from the man I married and he is so much happier.

Tough road, but put your foot down and mean it.

I don't know how, but posted on wrong thread. Apologies. On my phone

Spencer0220 · 27/12/2023 09:57

Ignore me. This is the right thread 🙄

DelilahBucket · 27/12/2023 10:09

He does need some therapy, no doubt about it, and as a child, he doesn't get to decide that he doesn't want it.
As a side, does he have any hobbies outside of school? If not, this is worth considering. Give him the chance to make friends in an environment where he has something in common with others.

ThisNiftyMintCat · 29/03/2024 07:54

Yep bribe him to go to therapy with McDonald's or what have you afterwards and get him doing lots of sports away from the school (and your other kids) to get his energy out. Maybe if this continues consider changing schools and putting him back a year. It sounds like he could benefit from EPMHS intervention - maybe talk to the school about it

Happyinarcon · 29/03/2024 08:08

School environments aren’t safe places for kids at the moment, it’s a bit dog eats dog. Your son doesn’t want you approaching the school because he knows that the bullies don’t get punished and he will have to deal with the repercussions alone. Try some online schooling. My kid wasn’t directly getting bullied but she was affected by the generally chaotic and toxic school yard environment. It has been so lovely watching her cheer up and come out of her shell.

PithyLion · 29/03/2024 08:12

The fake punching and talk about battering has to stop - it will only be feeding his aggression. A consequence every time, and claiming it is a joke is irrelevant

Marblessolveeverything · 29/03/2024 20:29

He sounds like a child who is getting bullied. He needs help and quickly.

He obviously fe ls threatened at school so is acting out in a "safe place". Get onto the school now, he is a child he doesn't know what is good for him. He needs support and watching to protect him.

His Dh needs to maintain strong boundaries, keep reiterating and loves his son it behaving well is expected. Have agreed immediate consequences to rules breaking.

Ideally Dh will share support and encouragement to how to engage socially.

OhcantthInkofaname · 07/11/2024 18:07

I think you better impress upon him that other people may have those feelings of irritation with others. But they learn to handle them without striking out physically or verbally. He needs to do the same. Let him know that you're willing to help him learn those skills but they must be learned.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 07/11/2024 18:17

It is crucial you talk to the school. There may well be nurture groups which will help with social skills. The school I worked in had boys groups, a nurture base and the school police officer took small groups to play football or go fishing. Vulnerable pupils were highlighted to us so we could keep an eye out for them in class and corridors. Head of house would have vulnerable pupils in for a chat regularly. How aware are the school of his previous difficulties? They really need to be on board so they can help him.

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