Feel Like an Unneeded Accessory

[Anon221]

Ive not posted before but just need a vent I’m sorry. I just feel like shit atm to be honest. I have a dd from a previous relationship and partner has a ds and we have a dd together who’s 8 months. I feel completely lost and broken at the moment I don’t know what to do. This is just about my partner’s relationship with his son. I’m not sure I can deal with it for much longer. I just feel like I’m sat here watching something I can’t ever be any part of. I like my ss and I think he likes me too and overall we have a nice relationship I thought but I can’t be any part of what my partner has with him. My partner is absolutely inseparable from his son - he’s 9 years old and he’s stays with us every weekend. I’m really trying not to be a ‘jealous stepmum’ :( but it’s just so difficult to cope with. He sleeps in bed with him he constantly checks if he’s ok every second to the point I’m literally sat writing this post whilst he’s asleep in his sons bedroom in our caravan holiday right now. Sometimes he lets him sleep I. Our bedroom so we can sleep in bed but he’s still in the same room which I think is massively inappropriate for me to share a bedroom with him. I’ve watched him feed him a drink whilst he’s playing a game on his switch because he’s ‘gaming’. He fusses over him constantl. My partner gets upset when he goes back to his mums ( I try my hardest to be supportive it can’t be nice) . He just can’t bear to be apart from him. I have a great relationship with my stepsons mum as well and we’ve also had a chat about how much my partner babies him - she’s not happy about it either I just don’t know what to do :( I’m strugging to take care of an 8 month old baby and my 7 year old who I feel shit about she gets like no attention from me anymore as I’m trying to look after a baby at the same time & I just feel so alone to extent I’m awaiting counselling. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to break up my family & I love my partner but I just can’t cope for much longer. I need some help or if anyone has anything to add please give me some advice :(

[TomatoRusk]

I don't have advice but I'm so sorry you are feeling so unsupported. Your partner should be babying his actual baby, not his 9yr old! And every weekend?? He's really not pulling his weight with your family is he, you both have a responsibility to all three children, not 2 for you and 1 for him.

[TomatoRusk]

And feeding him a drink? Seriously??

[Bunty55]

Does the child want to sleep with his dad or is it your partner who wants this?

[lunar1]

What do you want to get out of the counselling? Are you going to use it to help make decisions about your future?

If it's to help you feel okay about the current situation then it's never going to work. This isn't okay or normal.

It's not healthy for anyone in your home.

[Gonnagetacatwhenimovein]

Why did you have a child with him?

[LilianLenton]

This isn't a healthy environment for anyone. I presume the way your partner acts with his son is due to your partner's wishes, not his son's? As his mother seems to have a normal relationship & boundaries with the boy, & you've said your DP gets upset when he leaves.

I'd be worried about how this might impact your DDs' behaviour etc as this goes on, they might think this is normal. Especially the younger one that is his, will he treat that child in the same way? Does he only act like this because of guilt due to the separation, what will happen if you separate? TBH if he continues acting like this, prioritising his DS & not supporting you with his DD, you need to have a serious discussion about your relationship.

[BruceAndNosh]

How much attention does his other child (the actual baby) get from its father?
Does his 9 year old seek out and enjoy his father's fussing? Most 9 year old would be irritated by that degree of helicoptering

[ilovemyboys3]

Does he spend time alone and make time with your 8 month old too when your SS is there? He is obviously just wanting to make sure he is happy and feeling comfortable when he's with you but seems very excessive. Sleeping in the same bed would be a no no or in my bedroom. I would be having a serious sit down conversation about boundaries and he should value your opinion and feelings as it's your home too. Having your SS come and stay should oust you or your child, he should just slot in to family life. I'm not sure what you will get out of therapy other than the realisation that you no longer want to be living there. Unless you go to couples therapy where you can help him understand your thoughts and feelings regarding all of this. Best of luck x

[SnowWhitesSM]

This is so far from normal OP. No wonder you feel lost and a deep sense of not belonging.

You need to spell out how you feel to your partner otherwise he's going to have another child who he doesn't live with.

Don't stay in a relationship where you lose yourself. It's never ever worth the sacrifice of your MH.

[Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin]

@Gonnagetacatwhenimovein

Why did you have a child with him?

There's always one!

[Littlebirdyouaresosweet]

You need a hobby. One where he gets left with all of the dc for a few hours regularly...

[SecretVictoria]

If it weren’t for the ages, I’d ask if you were seeing my ex. He was exactly the same with his 9yo (youngest of 3, parents split before he was 1). I didn’t have my own DC and we had none together.

The 9yo loved it and really played up to it. We did eventually split due to issues caused by his DC (stealing from me - long story). You need to put your foot down but if he won’t listen I’d seriously reconsider the relationship.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

How much effort is he putting in with the baby? What would you and your baby and your DD miss if you separated?

Have things got worse since having the baby, do you think he’s trying to give his DS additional reassurance about their relationship? Or has it always been like this?

Im sorry you’re having such a hard time.

[SandyWedges]

He being really unfair on his other child who will grow up to resent their halfsibling (your dsc). It is him who is breaking up the family.

[ilovelurchers]

If you speak to him about the sleeping with his son thing, what does he say? How does he justify it?

It sounds bad for all concerned to be honest. My daughter's dad (my ex) I feel infantilises her to an extent - she is 10 and he does way more for her than I would, and also gives her too little independence I think. To some extent, there will always be parenting differences. But your DH sounds extreme - especially the sleeping thing!

[pitchforksandflamethrowers]

Firstly because I'm saying this to every step mum struggling. Read the book stepmonster - it will really help give you a better view on feelings and what's normal and isn't ect.

Secondly if this post gets too hot, support thread (post on there if ever your needing to vent)

So this isn't normal. Have you explained to DH that by creating a golden child, the golden child will be resented and have awful relationships with his siblings ? It's kinda setting him up to fail tbh.

What I would be doing is saying ok I have Dc we are gonna have one on one time every weekend for one day, you will need to have baby and DSS and then you have your one on one time with DSS on the other day. Carve out the time. Focus on some one on one time with DC and leave the baby to DH and let him juggle.

Don't always priorities one child over another, make space. Sending you lots of hugs 💐

[Sunnytwobridges]

@SecretVictoria

If it weren’t for the ages, I’d ask if you were seeing my ex. He was exactly the same with his 9yo (youngest of 3, parents split before he was 1). I didn’t have my own DC and we had none together.

The 9yo loved it and really played up to it. We did eventually split due to issues caused by his DC (stealing from me - long story). You need to put your foot down but if he won’t listen I’d seriously reconsider the relationship.

Sounds very similar to me and my ex. He behaved the same with his youngest of 3 as well. She had his undivided attention 24/7. She also slept in the bed with him. And he was cutting up her food and catering towards her until she was about 14. He couldn’t bear to be apart from her and when he was he would mope. He was obsessed with her.

[Anon221]

Thank you everyone for your support. I think I just needed some clarity that I’m not being a jealous stepmum. I’m actually finding things really difficult. He’s always been really close to his son but it’s definitely got worse past few months. I know he loves our daughter all I want him to do is treat them age appropriate. He admits he babies his son but I don’t think he realises how bad it’s making me feel. He does do stuff with our baby but it’s just not how I thought. I watched him with his son and thought he’s an amazing dad and I just naively thought our daughter would get the same treatment. Even this evening baby has bumped her head we both got really upset about it and to be honest I could have done with him consoling me a little tonight. I feel like shit to be honest it was my fault for not being careful enough he said it’s his fault too for not watching her either. He’s still gone to bed with his son again. I really don’t want to separate I really love him and I don’t want To break up our family. I can’t bare to be apart from our baby especially tonight now Iv got her in bed with me it’s been a horrible evening. I’m devastated he’s once again not chosen to be with me :(

[HinchcliffeandMurgatroyd]

How did he come to have an “every weekend” pattern of contact anyway? Does DSS’s mum not want any weekend time with her DS? Seems a bit strange. Maybe couple’s counselling is what’s really needed. DSS needs to be saved from the suffocating behaviour too.

[2catsandhappy]

This really sounds very unbalanced. No wonder you feel so upset.
Can you suggest an evening tea/hobby/trip in the week instead of all and every weekends?
Maybe if your dp has contact in the week it won't all be so hyper focused on his ds at your family time. Something for your dp to look forward to. I absolutely get that he is condensing 5 days of not seeing his ds into a weekend. Can you work with ds mum on tweaking contact?

[scarletisjustred]

Are you saying your partner shares a bed with his 9 year old son on a regular basis?i can't imagine a grown man or a 9 year old who would think this is appropriate.