Leaving relationship -: can't deal with stepson

[Walkingawaysadly]

I know that probably sounds really awful! I'm new on here but I'll give you the background.

DP and I have been together for just under a year, he has one son, 7, and I have 2 DC - 4 and 9. We're not married so his son is not actually my stepson but for ease of reference I used SS.

DP is a lovely and kind man but I just cannot stand his son.
it's really odd, I usually have good tolerance and find something to like in everyone..I'm generally good with friends' kids and have tons of patience, love doing imaginative play with them etc.

DP's son is very loud, tries to control everything, constantly tries to grab things from my 4 year old. He's just wants to be the boss all the time and to be in charge in EVERY situation. And he interrupts every single conversation. It's exhausting.
He's probably had a challenging time of it as his mum is very chaotic and either ignores him or shouts at him. And she is quite abusive to DP (I've seen/heard evidence, not just relayed from DP), so I get that an awful lot is probably learned behaviour and he's desperately trying to control his environment etc. In that way, I absolutely do have empathy and understanding towards him. He's just a kid.
But he is so in your face all the time, demanding attention all time, being mean to my youngest. He's always got to be the best at everything - everything is a competition. I just find him plain annoying and unlikeable.
That said both his parents think he may have ADHD, but the school doesn't and thinks he's an angel. I find that odd as I think if you have it you would present at school too?

My eldest DC isn't keen on him either as he's so full on and she's quite quiet and bookish.

It's got to the stage where I hate being around him and I'm worried I'm going to tell him off when he misbehaves. I did pull him up on something once when he was screaming at his Dad and I when we were talking and he told his mum I told him off (DP then got lots of abuse from her).

DP had him EOW at the moment.

there isn't an alternative but to walk away. I don't see it anyway. For both families.
That little boy deserves more than being around someone who can't stand him and is starting to resent him.

I've shocked myself with how I feel if I'm honest. I think that's why I've posted - because I thought I was a better person than that. I'm not fishing for reassurance that I'm an okay human but I think reassurance that the right thing to do is leave would help.

We don't live together at the moment so it's not too difficult. Thanks for reading

[Walkingawaysadly]

Thank you Redplum and don't worry!

Its reassuring to read your post and experience. And I agree - having strong traits myself (not formally diagnosed) without behavioural issues, I too feel it's an overused and misdiagnosed term.

I do think that little boy has been exposed to some really shitty parenting if I'm honest. His Dad is really trying, but he has a lot of work to do. I hope his mum is receptive to support and is able do some self reflection. But yes - I really do need to walk away.

[SpaceOP]

Doesn't surprise me at all that he actually listened to you. I've seen this before, especially with nephew. Basically, parents telling him off has no impact so he doesn't care. If anything, it can be a positive for him because at least he's then getting attention - often, they will ignore behaviour until it gets extreme, at which point they yell. But it's too late by then. However, he wants me and DH to be happy with him so us telling him off has far more impact. It's sad really.

[Triffid1]

@Walkingawaysadly

Thank you Redplum and don't worry!

Its reassuring to read your post and experience. And I agree - having strong traits myself (not formally diagnosed) without behavioural issues, I too feel it's an overused and misdiagnosed term.

I do think that little boy has been exposed to some really shitty parenting if I'm honest. His Dad is really trying, but he has a lot of work to do. I hope his mum is receptive to support and is able do some self reflection. But yes - I really do need to walk away.

Both SIL and BIL, in their own ways, do try. But nonetheless, DH and I would not be surprised if at some point someone refers one or both of them to social services.

Unfortunately, trying isn't always enough. And if the environment has been toxic for a very long time, it's very very difficult to break the patterns. You can feel sorry for him but I agree that you should walk away.

[Walkingawaysadly]

That's exactly it Space - me telling him off had a big impact. He wants me to like him and to be fair to him, he's always asking me for cuddles and is affectionate with me which makes me even more guilty for the way I feel.

I love cuddling my own DC but I really don't like cuddling him but I try to do with enthusiasm and warmth because I know he wants/needs it

[YellowTools]

The issue for my DSS is it’s all for attention, he is very egocentric like the boy you describe and acts up continuously through the day to bring the focus back to him. As he got bigger and stronger he found that force and hurting people was (and is) an excellent way to gain attention as that behaviour was impossible for people to ignore. His parents drew a total blank and it has now escalated and become a huge issue for him and those around him.

so that’s extreme, but if your DSS isn’t receptive to discipline and his parents aren’t effectively parenting him there’s nothing to suggest any of this will improve.

[Walkingawaysadly]

Triffid - absolutely. It was like a lightbulb recently, I just think it's too ingrained, they need more support/professional help (ie more than me), maybe even SS given some of the incidents I've heard about with his mum. I have my own DC to look after...it's really sad and I do think with the right approach things can get a lot better for them. I just want out.

[RedPlumbob]

I speak from bitter experience from a 2 year relationship with a very messed up Step child (10) (who I was only involved with for the last half) who was that way due to the contentious bullshit between his parents, and his fathers utter unwillingness to accept any responsibility for his part in it, his refusal to discipline even when his child was violent and aggressive, his refusal to actually parent, and his mother was just as bad, more interested in her latest boyfriend.

I really felt for the child, but ultimately I put my own children and myself first.

I bumped into the child (now in his late teens) not long ago, and we had a chat, in which he told me the 12 months I’d been in his life were the only remotely stable ones he’d ever had with his parents. It made my heart hurt. It seems SS had become involved at some point and he’d gone to live with his Grandparents not long after the break up.

[Walkingawaysadly]

I agree Yellowtools - that sounds unnervingly similar. I can seem him using force as he has no appreciation or respect for boundaries. Certainly at the moment. He pushed over my 4 year old the other day (she had a toy he wanted) and whilst not demonising him, my blood boiled. I think that feeds into why I can't stand him.
Also, we're quite a humble, academic, family so when there is someone or a child who is very egocentric like you said, I guess it doesn't gel that well...

[YellowTools]

@Walkingawaysadly

I agree Yellowtools - that sounds unnervingly similar. I can seem him using force as he has no appreciation or respect for boundaries. Certainly at the moment. He pushed over my 4 year old the other day (she had a toy he wanted) and whilst not demonising him, my blood boiled. I think that feeds into why I can't stand him.
Also, we're quite a humble, academic, family so when there is someone or a child who is very egocentric like you said, I guess it doesn't gel that well...

No it dominates the whole household, makes everyone miserable and means that everyone else is in some way compromising in order to keep the peace with the most demanding. It’s exhausting.

I find it so difficult watching my family home go from calm and living to toxic and hostile the moment he arrives.

[Bananarama21]

Sounds like you've forced your dc together very quickly into the relationship if it's less than a year old. His son won't be going anywhere so it might be best to bow out now.

[Triffid1]

maybe even SS given some of the incidents I've heard about with his mum

I have to say, I go back to thinking you're better off away from this man. Not just the child. Because I have very little sympathy for someone who highlights abusive behaviour towards their child but then does nothing about it. I sort of have sympathy while still in the relationship, but not when you've got out. Which means I'm not entirely sure I believe your P on this.

The sooner you move on the better I think.

[TiredButDancing]

No it dominates the whole household, makes everyone miserable and means that everyone else is in some way compromising in order to keep the peace with the most demanding. It’s exhausting.

I recognise this. And trying to put boundaries in place just makes things worse. I feel for you.

[Walkingawaysadly]

Thanks for sharing that Redplum, it must have been very challenging at the time and a hard decision to make.
It all makes sense to me..I think I just don't want myself or my DC to be part of that chaos going forwards. I wouldn't be surprised if SS do become involved at some stage.
I was ill a few years ago which was hard on my eldest DC and although it was a very different situation, I really appreciate calmness in our lives. I'm protective of that!

[Walkingawaysadly]

Thank you all so much again.

I think this has shown me too not only that I need to leave (I was 90% there), but also that his Dad should be stepping up more, especially with the issues around their co-parenting, the toxicity of their relationship etc. I do feel more positive about going. And actually - I'm very lucky as I love my own space and it being just me and the DC so it doesn't feel like a struggle or a negative. I can't give them (him and his son) anything that would help them. And there's no point in us all being miserable.

[YellowTools]

@TiredButDancing

No it dominates the whole household, makes everyone miserable and means that everyone else is in some way compromising in order to keep the peace with the most demanding. It’s exhausting.

I recognise this. And trying to put boundaries in place just makes things worse. I feel for you.

Yes. In my case I’m made out to be the bad guy when actually I’m just trying to keep the small ones safe.

sounds like you have your head screwed on OP.

[Spandang]

You absolutely should be able to tell him off and you absolutely should be able to express your boundaries and a little bit of your feelings to this kid. He needs to know if he’s made you happy or sad as that’s how we learn social cues.

If he goes to Mum, and Mum goes to Dad then the issue here is with Dad. Dad should be saying to Mum ‘my house, my rules, it’s none of your business’ but he seems to be stuck in a pattern of ‘keeping the peace’ and all that does (in my experience) is to encourage that behaviour to escalate.

I think you should leave. But I also think you should be honest about your reasons. If Dad is going to be a better parent and provide a calm and stable home with boundaries, and let’s be honest it sounds like that little boy needs it somewhere, he has to step up.

I have a step child who was just like this. With a mother who was toxic. The only thing that saved us was that DP was willing to listen and change and as he saw it working, he changed more.

[Stomacharmeleon]

I honestly don't see how any relationship where you have a step child/ children and you cannot tell them off will work. Full stop.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

It’s always your job to keep your children safe. If a 7 year old pushed a 4 year old over and their parent didn’t deal with it straight away I hope you would, no matter whose the 7 year old was?

But relationships are supposed to add fun, joy and ease to your life and this one isn’t so I think you’re right to end it. I’d struggle to respect anyone who behaved like your boyfriend is towards his own young child, or mine.

I’m a step mum of many years. Being on the same page about parenting is essential. If you’re not you’re trying to push water up hill and won’t get anywhere.

There are billions of men out there. Free yourself to find one who shares your values.

[MeridianB]

Being able to see that splitting up may be the best thing is very brave and mature.

I agree with @AnneLovesGilbert that there should be zero tolerance from his dad and you for any rough behaviour towards other children, especially much younger ones like your DD. Does your DP discipline and guide him at all? Does he have sensible bedtimes at your house?

it sounds as if there are many other factors which need addressing but if he only sees his Dad one night a week then it could help if that was just the two of them and a calm time where he can get a lot of 1:1 attention and reassurance.

Wishing you luck. 💐

[SnowWhitesSM]

Search my username OP and see what my marriage was like with an 8yr old SS who had grown up in conflict between his parents. It gets worse the more comfortable the child becomes with you. Get out now, it doesn't get better. Plenty of literature out there about it too.

It's no fun for anyone being in a relationship with a kid that you can't get along with/feel comfortable and happy to see. I selfisbly ignored it before I was married, I thought it would all iron itself out and it didn't. I tried so many different things to make it work but it just didn't. I ended up making myself so ill over the stress of it all. Get out now whilst you can.

[Onemoresleeptogonow]

Ime it is a massive relief being out of such a situation.. I had 2bx dd's and exh had one right in the middle. The world revolved around his dd. Became so my dd's gave in to keep the peace. No way to live.
Glad you have reached a decision that's best for you and your dc op.

[billy1966]

OP,
Glad you have come to the right decision.

Being around your boyfriends child must be deeply unpleasant for your children, who have no choice in the matter.

You may be surprised how relieved they are not to around him.

[Spohn]

It’s fine to break up with a boyfriend for any reason at all, you don’t need to explain yourself. After only a year of dating it sounds like you have made your kids be involved with your boyfriend and his kid for quite some time already, that was a poor choice.

Your kids don’t need to be involved with your dating life at all, you can keep those two areas of your life separate, before thinking of introducing them to some bloke think ‘how will this benefit them?’ and make an assessment.

[alwaysmovingforwards]

It's fine to move on.
When I divorced I dated those with children for a period. Thing is, you have to look at potential relationships as the entire package.
My baseline when single was pretty good - I created a good life.
So if a situation, on balance of all things considered, didn't look better than being single, I'd leave it there.