Can things be separate or should I walk away?

[Jupin]

Hi all,

I’m at odds with myself and have been since lockdown began and it’s beginning to take a toll on me. This is going to be long winded so I apologise in advance.

So taking it right back me and partner got together in a messy period of my life. I was working full time in the city earning well, my son was struggling at school and with his childminder and she eventually said she couldn’t cope any longer and he had to leave.
I agonised over what to do and in the end my son needed me and i has no one to help so I had to just quit my job ( he has since been diagnosed with ADHD and is more settled). Then got into money problems moved back in with my parents.

Met my partner during all this we got on great, he had two young children with ex 1 and 3 at the time. He told ex about us and She asked us to wait a year to meet the children which ended up being nearly 18 months. Two months after meeting the children I found out I was pregnant.... I was in a part time job still at my parents and he worked full time and lived with his. After much stress and deliberation I eventually decided I couldn’t handle a termination and would keep the baby... my parents agreed I could stay there whilst we saved until the baby was 3 months old. We came up with a saving plan and that was that. I paid for everything for the baby and got everything sorted.

So at 5 months pregnant we had to house sit for his mum for 2 months whilst she was abroad. This is the first time we had all been together for any length of time and it was horrendous. He was shouty with his kids and impatient the kids didn’t seem bothered but it was all abit much for me and I found myself and my son just staying upstairs in the mornings for long periods or finding reasons to go out alone. To be honest I was happy when it was all over and I went back to my parents as I found it all so chaotic and stressful. The kids are actually fine and we got on, it’s more my partners stressy parenting and the kids arguing that got to me.

So baby is born end of last year and partner seems hyper stressed and moody.. this goes on until baby is two months old until I loose my mind and ask him what the hell is going on. Turns out he hasn’t saved a penny and he didn’t know what to do. I had to be out of my parents as they had kindly let me stay so we could get ourselves sorted. So instead of us all moving in with all the kids, with the help with my mum I came up with a plan to get a place just me and my two and him stay at his mums until he could afford to move too and we would then live all together.

So I got a place in March.... and then lockdown happened. His mum had to shield so he had to then stay with me. I was really annoyed as I found a way to make this happen and get a nice place for me and my children for the first time in a long time despite the fact he let me down and now I felt like it was being high jacked. My parents were also annoyed as they had to help and guarantor and said they didn’t want him and his children setting up camp here as they had helped me and the children get this place and if he wants something he is going to have to save and contribute ..... fair enough.

So I said to him I’m not willing to have the children here if he wants to stay here during lockdown that’s fine but I can’t mentally cope with being locked down in the house with my ADHD 8 year old and a newborn, plus the stress of his two here it would be way too much for me. So he has been having them elsewhere for the day and not having overnights with them.

Now I know this is far from ideal for them and I do feel guilty but I genuinely don’t think I could cope as I’m finding it very hard as it is. He works shifts 5 days a week and then his two days off are with his children, I am essentially a single parent and alone 90% of the time. His ex DP got annoyed obviously as he was no longer doing overnights and as he is staying here this is his house and the kids come as part of the package so I need to let them here.
But do I? This was the solution that me and him agreed prior to lockdown because of him not saving money.... this was always my house with my children and it just doesn’t feel fair that due to lockdown this can now become our shared house when he hasn’t contributed in anyway.

He hasn’t helped me with a thing in this house since I moved in eventhough he is staying here until his mum stops shielding.... I pay every bill and for all the food. I am getting housing benefit to help pay for this house as a lone parent so I don’t expect a contribution as much from him as I don’t want to get myself into trouble. But at the same time he does have 3 children .... not 2. But all of our shared child’s expenses I pay.

He pays maintenance for the other two, he spends his free time with the other two (rightly so) , he is currently giving her more money at the minute to help as she is having them more than usual, she didn’t ask for that he did that off his own back. I feel like I’m getting the crap end of the deal whatever way this goes, I can have him here more but with absolute madness and no space and no financial help.... or he can rarely be around , but the house is calm and I still pay for everything.

I want to now start getting my life back on track and making a better life for my children. I’m thinking of uni as I don’t think I could leave my older son for a city job again as he really doesn’t cope so retraining is really my only option.

But I don’t feel like I can do that in this situation. My partner and I despite the picture I have just painted get on exceptionally well and we are like best friends when we actually do see eachother. We don’t really argue and he is reasonable and understanding but absolutely shocking with money and a helicopter parent who can’t leave the kids be without getting involved with every disagreement.

I would happily continue this relationship as two separate households whilst I find my feet again and build a life. He could do the same and then we can join the households when we are both in a better position. However he wants this house to be where we all live in the next year or so but I feel like my children then loose out here they have there own bedrooms and own space. I would rather him get a place for him and his children and then move all in together when we can afford something with space for all of us whenever that will be.

I don’t feel like it’s my duty as his partner to put a roof over his children’s heads.... I understand that doesn’t sound nice but I have done everything for our shared child but I’m not willing to take on that responsibility for another two children who have two parents when I’m not well off myself.

I have been racked with guilt about these thoughts and feelings and I needed to get them off my chest somehow. I do find it hard that there isn’t much time for me and my son in current schedule .. this has only really been a problem for me since I’ve been in this house alone with very little help as he is either at work or looking after his other children.

But would you feel the same as me in this situation or am I playing an evil step mother type role? The fact I feel guilty about it is telling me it probably isn’t that kind and I should be more willing to take on all this and combine our households. But then I want to make something of myself and create a better life. Also I can’t lie having nowhere to escape all the chaos if it gets too much ... feels overwhelming.

Do you think I’m just not cut out to play the step parent role and should walk away so he can find someone more willing to take it all on or living in separate households is a fair solution to all of this for a longer period of time until things are abit easier?

If anyone can be bothered to read to this point then thank you. I realise this makes us sound like teenagers but I am late twenties and he is early thirties... so not quite teenagers, life just didn’t quite pan out as I’d hoped.

[Iwonder08]

You have no responsibility over his children's happiness. You have no reason to feel guilty.
If you do love the guy and can't bear thinking of breaking up now I would suggest to tell him to move out by a certain date and continue as 'dating' on your terms.
Good relationship shouldn't feel complicated all the time. If they do then it might be a time to move on

[Happynow001]

Not "contrition" but CONTRIBUTION

[Happynow001]

but I feel intense guilt day to day for essentially putting myself and my two children first in all of this as I feel that is where my priorities need to lie
OP your job IS to put your children first and, whatever you need to do to improve your situation in the future (eg proposed Uni) is, surely, the correct thing to do. You are behaving like a responsible adult, which is more than your partner is going.

I would absolutely not have him move in permanently and even less him and his children also. Having everyone move in together may work for him - the advantages would all be on his side and not yours or your children's.

His feckless attitude to life would, I think, sabotage the life you are trying to create as well as affect you and your children negatively, including financially.

But he doesn’t improve my lifestyle in anyway and also pays no money for our child .... I will be financially better off when he returns to his mums
You've answered your own question really.

Personally I'd ask him to move out sooner rather than later and give him a clear signal on how your life/relationship will be from now. And do get maintenance from him - through CMS if necessary.

Where he goes to is his problem to solve - not yours. He is an adult and needs to take responsibility for himself and for his children.

Please don't guilt trip yourself or tie yourself in knots about how you feel things could/should be or what he wants to happen, without making a proper contrition the life he wants.

Take care of yourself and your children's' future and let him look after his. This is HIS job.

Also I really couldn't contemplate blending families at all with someone as irresponsible as this. If you like him then maybe just see him on his non-contact days but not as a "spare" in your home.

Take care.🌹

[SandyY2K]

but I feel intense guilt day to day for essentially putting myself and my two children first

Don't feel guilty. It's your job to put your kids first.

He should be doing the same.

If everything else is okay in the relationship, I would maintain that he can't move in and have the kids overnight.

Your kids would be pushed out of their rooms and his parenting style will drive you up the wall. Don't do it

[MyCatHatesEverybody]

Why do you keep saying you and this loser have a good/happy relationship? A healthy relationship isn't just about being with someone who makes you laugh or is good in bed or whatever. You need to look at their actions, not their words, and this man's actions are that no matter how much he might say he loves you, he refuses to pay his way and he treats you and his children like crap.

You were obviously in a vulnerable place when you first met and I guess it was nice for you to feel happy and desired, he was your emotional escape. But this man will drag you down if you stay with him, even in separate houses. You deserve better.

[sassbott]

You owe him nothing. You had a deal and he reneged on it. The reason there isn’t a bigger place / space for his children to stay is on him. If he had contributed 50% and you were saying that his kids couldn’t come- then we would probably call you out on it.

Re his spending? You’re not his mum. And if he has nothing left? Even in lockdown? Then he must be spending it somewhere (as there is nowhere to spend money!). Gambling? Drugs? Online sex services? Sorry to go there but where else can he be spending this surplus cash?

Stay separate. Does he at least go via the supermarket and get his own supplies/ food/ beers in?

[Flittingabout]

Hi OP,

What a shame it has turned out this way.

I think it absolutely is possible(and was for me) to have separate households and maintain a relationship with a partner for a long time....BUT NOT WITH HIM! He contributes far less in lots of ways than he takes from this relationship.

[MoominKitty]

Op you need to move him out ASAP, I know you aren't better off with him but the housing people won't take that at face value and you will be turfed out, fined and possibly prosecuted, I had a friend in the exact situation who now has a conviction for fraud sadly.

Two separate household may work but personally you sound very capable to do this alone if need be, and you should not be bankrolling anyones life bar yours and YOUR children. But please please tell him he must go, if his ex is annoyed she may shop you for having him live there.

[dontdisturbmenow]

Your situation is not sustainable. You've realise that what suits you best financially and psychologically is to be a single parent whilst being in partnership with him but not so much that you lose your financial and mental freedom.

It is likely that this is not what he wants. He wants all of you to live together as a family. Ultimately, if he is residing with you every night, you might find that if you were investigated you could be deemed to be claiming fraudulently. Its not as black and white as you might seem to think, so either way, you are taking a risk.

You do indeed need a serious,talk because the longer things remain as they are, the morex difficult things will become.

[Bananasplitlady]

He is bleeding you dry and you are feeling bad because you can't give more. You are clearly a capable woman with ambition - he is dragging you down. You say he is kind, but he isn't kind, you seem to have low expectations of what kindness is and you excuse a lot of his behaviour. He is not a good partner or father.

[Giespeace]

This isn’t a relationship.
He’s a friend with benefits who got too big for his boots.
Protect your children.

[RandomMess]

What has he said about why his marriage broke down?

Obviously you will never know the truth but I wonder if money and his stressing parent style were a part of the relationship breakdown.

I wouldn't live with someone financially irresponsible, they don't have to earn loads or they could be super rich but being irresponsible with what they do have just never, no way.

[EKGEMS]

Have been affected by this virus

[EKGEMS]

You're right so many important things have affected this dam virus (i literally can't count that high) I just hope you and your boys and family are ok after it's all said and done and not worse off it because Mr Spendthrift can or won't save up and fulfill his obligations. He could work a second job .

[Jupin]

It’s hard ...I know financially he is a massive douche. I think a big conversation needs to be had between us, he can tell things aren’t right and he wants to know why but making the time for a sit down chat can feel impossible at the minute but it needs to be done.

You are all right about him not staying here and I do agree.

@lockdownhell
I just read your thread and it is how I fear things would go here too but obviously you have more at risk than me and I hope you find a solution that works for you . I like my bubble and my independence I can’t figure out if that means game over for us or if there is another solution out there.


@EKGEMS I’m not entirely sure that is what all this boils down to at all. I had a part time job whilst living with my parents.... paid rent, paid for a new baby and saved my share to move.(Sadly that part time Job was in the travel sector and the company are dying a death in lockdown so doesn’t look like I have a job there to return to). Mr wonderful sadly didn’t do his share so my parents helped me by being a guarantor for me and getting some bits and pieces for the house.

I’d imagine my parents probably would bail me out if I needed them too but fingers crossed I can re train and give my kids a better future. My plan is to get myself in the position so that I can bail my kids out if ever they need me to also.

I’m not sure what that has exactly got to do with the thread about living separately or breaking up with my partner. Something about my situation has obviously struck a cord with you to take it off on this tangent.

But I’m hoping to build myself back up financially but that isn’t going to happen overnight.... things happen.... some was my bad choices.... some was life just happening..... but you live and you learn 🤷🏼‍♀️

[EKGEMS]

This really boils down to you,a fully grown woman,a mother, who has made a choice to accept a load of help from your parents (house and feed you and your son in their home) you start a new relationship get an unplanned pregnancy and then you receive additional financial help to obtain a loan (that puts your parents at risk if you default) and move your baby daddy in who doesn't contribute fuck all to your baby?! Yes you needed to be with your eldest son which caused you to need to move back in but what if your youngest needs additional help? You think Mr Wonderful or your parents will be your backup plan?

[passthemustard]

I think legally you are putting yourself in a dangerous situation by allowing him to be there.
If the local authority find out you will have your benefit stopped and you could be made to repay and wouldn't be eligible for further benefits and you may even be prosecuted.
You have to ask him to leave and he should be paying maintenance for your baby.

[HoppingPavlova]

Sounds like an utter cocklodger.

[Hidingtonothing]

And this You really need to learn to identify what are your problems to deal with and what are his, although ideally he needs to learn this and take responsibility for his own problems.

[lockdownhell]

Hi, just wanted to add that my circumstances are slightly different from yours but I did move in a partner and his kids and have since regretted it. Please see my thread on the relationships board. Don't get two years down the line like I have and start to resent having them all in your house. You have time to change this.

[Hidingtonothing]

I'd tell him you've found out you're breaking more rules than you realised with the housing benefit and he needs to go back to his mums straight away before you lose your benefit/are prosecuted for benefit fraud. No decent partner would put you at that kind of risk so his reaction will tell you a lot. Yes it puts him in a tricky position re his mum but he should immediately see that it's his tricky situation to sort out and not try to put it back on you to resolve, again his reaction will tell you a lot.

You need to keep reminding yourself that he is not your responsibility, which will be difficult as he is quite clearly trying to make himself exactly that. That's why this relationship feels 'off' to you, because you know this dynamic isn't normal, or right for you. You sound independent and motivated, of course you're going to struggle with a partner who wants you to be his mummy

[Wallywobbles]

To answer your question yes two households can work if that's what both of you need. In your case I'd say anything less than 2 households would be fatal for your and DC1s mental health.

Time for him to move back with his mum or elsewhere. Neither he nor his kids are your problem. You really need to learn to identify what are your problems to deal with and what are his.

[SeaToSki]

I just cant get over that you are paying for every crust of bread that goes in his mouth, a grown man, with a job

I just cant get past this one point....

Does he have no pride even,

how can he sit there eating his dinner and know he has begged it off a single mother with two children to feed who only has a roof over her head because of her parents

He is showing you who he is....PLEASE believe him

[copycopypaste]

It is not your responsibility to house and provide for his dc, it's also not your responsibility to do this for him either.

I can't actually see any positive to you being with him. He's grumpy and a nightmare to live with, he lied about saving for a house, this means he's either shit with money or chose to spend on other things, he's a cocklodger and pays nothing to live with you, he pays nothing towards your dc either.

There's a big difference to being self sufficient and confident to being taken advantage of

[Raella50]

This man is an absolute dosser. A complete loser. He has made himself homeless through not saving any money to put a roof over his head. As a result of that, despite having a job, he can’t ha e his own children over night. Utterly pathetic. Get rid.