negotiating standards

[nikkim]

I woud really appreciate some advice from those of you with experience with step parenting.

I have just bought a house with my partner who in many ways is fantastic with my dd but lately we just seem to spend all our time rowing over her.

My dd (3)is a handful which I do not dispute but he seems to want our house to be a bootcamp and seems to see being a parent as a power struugle to be won. He constantly tells me that I let her get away with things, allow her to rule the house and don't back him up. I tend t go for the don't sweat over the small stuff line of disciplne whereas he is a if you crack down on the small things the big things never happen.

We have tried to talk but it ends up in a row because we are both stubborn ( as is my dd). I do find it quite hard to take parenting lectures from a man who is not a biological parent and who has only been around a child full time for a few months. When i say this he tells me I am arrogant and walks off - but I feel he is being just as arrogant telling me what to do!

I know that i am affected by my own step father who I despised and I just want my dd to like my dp. I don't want to paint my dp as a victorian step dad who beats the kids he is fantastic with my daughter and he loves her to bits but we can't seem to find a middle ground on how to deal with hr quite frequent outbursts.

I think you need to sit down with each other and talk about your expectations of parenting and children. What's important to you? Why? How can it be achieved? What's non-negotiable, and what's nice if it does happen but no so important?

If you can each find out what the bottom line is as far as behaviour goes, that's a start.

WE have tried this, part of the problem is that I am very very tired at the moment to the point that i physically ache and could cry. Infact I am sure that my tiredness is at the root of all of this as it does mean that I allow my dd to rule the roost and I am very ratty, stressed and take things far too personally when discussing my dd with dp.

We had a talk this morning about things we could do to help me be less stressed and tired such as getting help in the home ( but money it tight) extra childcare or me organising my time more effectively. I work, am a SAHM and am studying for a degree.

I have been to the doctor about my tiredness, infact have been to three doctors but they just say all mums are tired. WE are currently thinking of seeking private medical advice ( but agai this is more money) to see if I can stop the tiredness.

The daft thing is that many of the basics of parents we agree on but it is just how to get there that we fall out about.