Being honest...I’m struggling with DSS

[Giraffe888]

I’m going to be brutally honest and no doubt I’ll be flamed for it but I need advice.

Been with DH for 5 yrs. he has got a 10yr old DS and we have got a 3 month old DS together.

We have DSS EOW and I’ve always struggled when he comes to ours but since I’ve had my own child I’m struggling even more.

I dread the weekends when he’s coming and spend the whole weekend counting down to him going home 🙁

I hate feeling like this but don’t know what to do. Anyone any advice?

[KundaliniRising]

Any parent can arrange counselling for a child, it does not need the consent of both parents.

[SandyY2K]

For those suggesting counselling for the child, you do know his mum would have to consent.

Somehow I doubt she would be particularly receptive, because she'd most likely believe the incidents were accidental.

[sassbott]

I’d see about putting DSS into counselling. I don’t think these are accidents but what they could be is incidents where his emotions get too much and he physically does something (which by 10 he will know) could hurt the baby.

A new baby who lives with daddy will stir up emotions in this child. It doesn’t mean hurting the baby is acceptable.

I do feel for non resident children when they perceive that children other than them (be it half siblings or the SM/ partners DC) live with and get to see their daddy more than they do. I see this even with my DP’s DC. On the rare occasions that me or my DC are part of contact (and it is rare), the youngest DC especially can react not very nicely. I don’t take it personally and I don’t let it bother me, because my DC are older and I’m an adult. If I had a baby on the receiving end of these sorts of behaviours however I would feel the way you do x

[Giraffe888]

@Hooferdoofer37 it’s not possible for us to have him more as my DH works 12 hour shifts and DSS lives 45mins (each way) from our house

[KundaliniRising]

Has your dh looked into counselling for his ds?

His school should be able to point him in the right direction for that.

Things need to be dealt with effectively or they will escalate. A 10 year old deliberately hurting a baby is a huge red flag. Maybe you could speak to your hv about this also.

[Hooferdoofer37]

You started this thread by saying that only seeing your DSS EOW didn't give you & your DP enough time to be impactful parents (behaviour-wise); have you considered increasing the time that DSS stays with you?

I know that may sound illogical considering you currently count the minutes till he leaves, despite only seeing him 52 days a year.

However, if you believe that your influence would improve his behaviour if he spent more time with you, why don't you ask his DM for 50/50 care?

You may find that the clear message you & DP actually want MORE time with him now he has a sibling will do wonders for his sense of ease around the baby.

He will no longer feel pushed out and act out.

Also, you with have the time to implement the parenting you believe he needs to improve his behavior.

[SandyY2K]

My DD was 2.5 when her Dsis was born. She never hurt her and knew not to throw anything near her.

There were none of these mystery accidents which happen when nobody else is around.

At most I had to stop her from constantly kissing her little sis.

I'm not buying the accident nonsense.

[Giraffe888]

Sorry I’ve only just seen these replies.

@Dontdisturbmenow as a few others have said, there’s no way they were accidents! DS was laid on the floor a good few feet away from DSS. Then the second one, at 10yr old he knows not to throw anything across the room, whether there’s a baby there or not!!!!

He still gets plenty of love, time and attention but he also needs to realise that now DS is here he’s not going to be the main focus. This would be exactly the same if it was 2 ‘full siblings’, when a new baby arrives the current child always has to realise that there’s now 2 children.

I’m one of 4 and I’ve also got a half sister so I do have an understanding.

@Rosie666 sorry you feel the same. Feel free to pm me if you want to talk x

[JKScot4]

Don’t be so daft, an 8 week old baby? have a word with yourself. Can no child on MN just be a horrible little shit without pp falling over trying to minimise their behaviour?

[Dontdisturbmenow]

Yes, you pass next to the baby with the lego in your hand, baby moves and lego scratches baby's head.

Such accidents by not being very careful happens. Kids get told off, reminded to be careful but this immediate assumption that it was intended when OP wasn't even there to witness what happen is just typical of some threads here.

[JKScot4]

@Dontdisturbmenow
A 10 yr old ‘accidentally’ scraping a lego block along a baby’s head to mark him?
Accidentally throwing things? Aye ok 🙄

[SandyY2K]

Mmmm.... I thought you were being unreasonable, until you mentioned him hurting your baby.

I wouldn't want him over either...I would make it clear that he is not allowed to go near DS unless another adult is there and he is not allowed to throw anything in a room where DS is.

I'd be looking at setting up a nanny cam. You must feel so uneasy about going back to work.

I don't believe any of those incidents were accidental.

[GetOutOfTheCookieJar]

I'm not perfect but I've never accidentally thrown anything at a baby.

[Dontdisturbmenow]

And amazed how perfect SMs always seem to be! Because we regularly read on mns how mums accidentally dropped their kids, or pushed them when they get in the way, or indeed scratch them all by accident. I certainly did do with my kids, once my ring caught my baby's ear which made it belles. I guess it could only have meant to hurt him because such thing couldn't possibly have been an accident!

[JKScot4]

Why oh why is every bad behaviour excused on MN? Be it hitting other kids or partners, always explained away!!
A ten year old scrapping a tiny baby on the head is deliberate as is throwing stuff at the baby. Unless there are huge numbers of idiotic stupid ten year olds out there it is perfectly reasonable for him to know this is wrong!

[Rosie666]

I totally understand your post, I feel exactly the same and never used to. I hope you manage to deal with it. Xx

[Dontdisturbmenow]

I'd still tell my child off for it
Which OP said his dad did.

This a perfect example of when it's your own child, its bound to be an accident, when it's your sc, it's bound to be deliberate.

The truth is that neither OP or her husband knows for sure.

[Dontdisturbmenow]

A ten year old throwing something at or in the direction of a baby is not an accident
Of course it can be. He could have wanted to throw it close by but misjudged. I've done this a number of times, I'm just more careful with a baby, but this is a 10yo. It happens.

[DumboFlats]

The incidents you describe could indeed be accidents

A ten year old throwing something at or in the direction of a baby is not an accident. And if it was done with absolutely no intention of hurting said baby, I'd still tell my child off for it. 10 is more than capable of understanding why you don't throw things, especially at a baby.

[Anuta77]

I think it's kind of hard to make the baby have a minimum impact on the boy (i.e. take care of him alone while the father is with the older boy) and then love bomb the boy as well. Babies take a lot of work, I'm not sure the step-mom can do it all and get some time for herself.

I remember my ex-SS who was 10 pushing my then 1 year old son away when he was running towards him. Few months later, he was nice with him. I hope it will pass....

[averythinline]

I think you need to cut the kid some slack - he is still only a kid and has had a lot of change- and does not have the emotional maturity

babies are boring for many people and even more so for DC 'attention suckers' for other kids... he's gone from being an only child for 10 years - its all he's ever known....and the focus of all the adults attention when he visits to not......

sibling rivalry can be fierce especially when lives are split as well .... I think your idea of getting him and his dad to do more stuff togeter just them is right..

make the baby a minimum impact on him as much as possible - if your dh is looking after both he needs to think about exactly what it is he is going to do with the babe whilst DS is there that is focused on DS needs....

look at love bombing DSS for you so he knows he's not been replaced... sounds liek you used to do lovely things with him .....

[Dontdisturbmenow]

Your actions and feelings don't seem to match. If you so badly that you can't wait for him to go back to his mum, it's odd that you are able to manage to play a board game with him without showing any signs that you don't enjoy it and wish instead that he wasn't there.

Are you really sure he doesn't pick up on how you feel?

The incidents you describe could indeed be accidents. Why are you so sure they were not and he intended to hurt your baby?

[DumboFlats]

Agree with others 10 is way too old to be throwing things at a baby. I have a 10 year old SC and I can honestly say he would never do this and his dad would certainly tell him off if be did. I wouldn't expect this from the younger DC in our house either. 10 is plenty old enough to know this is wrong and not have that sort of behaviour excused as I see often on MN.

However, I do agree if this has started when you were pregnant, has your DH spoken to him about his feelings around the new baby? He does sound like he's jealous and insecure and taking it out (wrongly) on your DS/you/DH.

I'd get your DH to have a chat with him about it but also don't let bad behaviour slide when it does happen.

[Anuta77]

It seems that many kids of that age feel that need to do stupid things with the baby and because they are generally nice kids, their fathers do not want to see it.
I remember feeling like that with SD, who would not purposely hurt my baby, but would do things that could be dangerous, like falling backwards on the sofa with the baby in her arms (so that the baby's head hit my son's legs) or or trying to make my son who was holding the baby fall or making the baby jump pretty roughly..... As mothers of a small baby, we obviously have the need to protect them, but the fathers feel the need to protect their older child, so they put their heads in the sand.
I've been there, it was very unpleasant, but in my case, as the baby became a toddler, he started being assertive, well, sort of, so if I heard him screaming "No", I could come and intervene when she was doing something he didn't like.
Hopefully, your partner is more mature than mine and he could watch them closer....Best of luck

[aSofaNearYou]

It's no wonder you're struggling with him if you feel you need to protect your son from him and your partner isn't backing you up. It must be exhausting and stressful when he's there to feel like you need to watch him all the time and there's no other responsible adult to do it. You need to explain that to your OH and he needs to step up and be reliable upon to stop any violence in its tracks for your sake, even if he doesn't take the issue seriously. Otherwise it's unreasonable to expect you to shoulder the burden of protecting your son while he's there.