I’m a step mum and struggling

[Abcdefgh12345]

I’m a step mum to 3 boys that come over every other weekend and once during the week.

I have been with their dad for nearly 4 years.
Not going to lie it’s hard work and drains the life out of me.
But This issue is about Xmas.

My partner doesn’t spend a lot on them for bday or Xmas. They usually get one big present and one small.

He could afford more and put more effort into it if he was more organised. He leaves everything to last minute and therefore has little money to share between everyone at Xmas. Last year I got a pair of 99p earrings from eBay!

I always end up feeling sorry for the kids as I buy my son lots of gifts and stocking fillers because I have planned for Xmas and can afford to.

I think the kids like to see lots of presents rather than just one or two so I end up buying them loads and between 3 of them it’s a lot of money j spend.

He knows that if he doesn’t spend anything I can’t sit back and let them have hardly anything on Xmas so he knows I’ll end up buying extra.

This year I’m reluctant to because my son wants a laptop for his school work and that’s going to wipe me out.
I’ve already bought them little bits but no where near what I usually do and what he’ll be expecting me to.

What should I do??
Feel guilty for not buying for them or find the extra money somehow and provide for them and feel totally pissed off at him???

Ps
He has money to go to his snooker matches twice a week and spend 10-20 quid on drink each time. Grrrrrr

I’ve tried talking to him about it but he just says he deserves to have a life

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

Why are you content to be in a relationshipn with a man who is such a crap dad?

[pinkyredrose]

Having read your other threads i think you should get this waste of space out of your house immediately. This relationship is doomed.

[pinkyredrose]

Beats me what you spend so much on his kids. Anyway your relationship sounds a joke. What the fuck interested you in him in the first place?

What's your housing situation, owned/rent/ joint?

[MeridianB]

Oh Lord, I really hope this is a spoof because the idea of three boys having such a a poor parent is sad enough. But him having a partner who knows better and stays with him, exposing her own child to his behaviour is mind boggling.

OP, you sound like you have really good intentions towards his boys - are you staying with him because you are trying to help them?

[ColaFreezePop]

His son asked for a warmer duvet and he said he’ll get one in the January sales.

Since there are sales on all year as PPs have pointed out there are bigger issues than just Christmas.

Lots of families don't buy expensive gifts for others at Christmas as they know people can afford to buy things they need for themselves but they do put some thought into the gifts they buy someone.

I suggest you leave him after Christmas then he will be forced to parent his children alone. They will then see the shit he is and probably decide to have minimal contact.

Just buy them what you can afford for his sons as it is will be the last Christmas you see them and buy one can of beer for him.

[Annaminna]

I second to that, Who you want your child have a dad like that?

[SandyY2K]

They want or ask to go certain places especially In the summer and he always says he can’t afford it (he can if he cuts back on beer money)

We fell out the other day because he covered his kids chips in salt when they didn’t even ask for it.

I explained how bad salt is for kids and he just shrugs and says it’ll taste better for them.
He doesn't sound very sensible.

He doesn’t put a lot of effort in with them and they know this and play up a lot.

He really isn't a good role model of a parent is he.

They speak to him like shit and he just allows it and feeds them sweets and crisp.

Poor kids with a substandard parent like him.

They’ve never spent Christmas Eve with us because he isn’t bothered about them being there.

Says it all really. He can't be arsed.

They come over for 2 hours Xmas day and he’s happy with that. That’s his choice.

He sounds like a very lazy parent.

His son asked for a warmer duvet and he said he’ll get one in the January sales.

How can you continue being in a relationship with him?

What value does he add to your life and that of your son?
I hope your son has better male role models in his life...because your DP sounds awful.

Regarding the presents...dont get them anything. Their mum does enough. Let the kids see him for what he is. It's not just the presents...but he cant buy his child a warm duvet till January.. I call that worse than useless.

Some pple just shouldn't be parents..he's one of them.

[Annaminna]

I can not see problem: they are not your kids but you want to do stuff for them. Their mum and dad are doing what they think is right thing to do for their kids but you don't agree. You think you know better then parents what should be done for their kids. You are overstepping and still complaining that you are overstepping.
You decided to do something that no one asked you to do - You volunteer. You can complain that you want to do something and now you are doing it.
If you don't like it, stop it for god sake!

[MzHz]

The duvet thing? Fuck me, that’s utterly utterly shit...

[Pinkybutterfly]

Run to the hills

[Ginger1982]

"His son asked for a warmer duvet and he said he’ll get one in the January sales."

This is horrible. If you don't share any kids with him I would ditch him.

[sassbott]

Ok. So brutally asking why are you with him?
I could never be with someone whose parenting values were so different to mine. Everyone may parent differently to you (and there are pros and cons to every style of parenting), but when your view is the above, that’s a problem.

My exDP parented differently to me. But I never thought he didn’t know how to parent. He parented his way. It wasn’t how I would have done things but he always tried and had good intent.

If I was in your DP’s shoes and knew that that was how you felt about my parenting, I wouldn’t actually want to be with you.

Does he know this is your point of view?

[Abcdefgh12345]

He’s not the doting dad. He doesn’t understand kids and without sounding horrible doesn’t know how to parent or be responsible for them.

It’s got worse as our relationship has gone on. It’s more of a “I’m going to do everything opposite just because I don’t like agreeing with you” kind of attitude.

[Booboostwo]

He doesn't sound very nice. Why are you with him? I'd struggle to be with someone who was so indifferent to his own children.

[aSofaNearYou]

Not to play devils advocate - because he could just be a selfish guy - but I can sort of see how it could have got to this point if his relationship with his sons is anything like my partners with his.

My partner strongly disagrees with the level to which his son is spoilt by his mum and sees it becoming an increasingly unpleasant (and noticeable) part of his personality. But since he has no power to influence that, he was forced to choose between spoiling him to the level he is accustomed and having a great relationship whilst knowing he is contributing to a type of parenting he sees as highly detrimental - or stick to his guns and not spoil him rotten. He went for the latter and has, as a result, has had to accept his relationship being less rewarding and loving as that's what his son is used to and resents not getting it everywhere.

So to an extent, he does have the same defeatist attitude as your partner. If his sons talk to him like crap and the bond is not there, it's not surprising that your partner would centre himself around other areas of his life (such as hobbies) rather than pour all his energy and resources into spoiling them rotten when they don't even particularly get on with him.

I say this because it did strike me while reading that there's nothing inherently wrong with not showering them with gifts, and if you disagree with that then you must just have different ideas on parenting to your partner. You don't need to swoop in and save them from the horror of only two presents, just tell him he needs to sort it this year. And if you can't stand his approach, then you are not well suited.

[sassbott]

Oof. Then you know that these issues are far greater than what’s happening at Christmas.

You both have very disparate parenting values.

[Humpdayruminations]

You've got bigger problems than Christmas OP. I hope you find a way out.

[Abcdefgh12345]

He does pay half of all the bills. As for his kids. He doesn’t do a lot with them. They want or ask to go certain places especially In the summer and he always says he can’t afford it (he can if he cuts back on beer money)
I do a lot for them.
He does cook for them but it’s crap, pizzas chicken nuggets etc.
We fell out the other day because he covered his kids chips in salt when they didn’t even ask for it.
I explained how bad salt is for kids and he just shrugs and says it’ll taste better for them.
He doesn’t put a lot of effort in with them and they know this and play up a lot.
They speak to him like shit and he just allows it and feeds them sweets and crisp.

They’ve never spent Christmas Eve with us because he isn’t bothered about them being there. They come over for 2 hours Xmas day and he’s happy with that. That’s his choice.

I’ve done everything for them. Decorated their room, bought them clothes, underwear etc.
His son asked for a warmer duvet and he said he’ll get one in the January sales.

[sassbott]

Reading your post though. It strikes me that the lack or organisation/ planning quite possibly spills into wider life.

Why is it so hard when his children come? How much does he plan/ do? (Food shopping’ meal planning, booking things) vs leaving it to you?

If this sort of stuff is spilling into contact, then I completely think the Xmas thing is just straw breaking the camels back. I really hope he contributes 50% (if not more when 3 boys come to visit).

[sassbott]

Firstly, if I’m honest, it’s completely his choice on how he decides to spend his money on his children and how much he does/ doesn’t give them. Just as much as it is your choice how you plan/ spend on your child. If you feel guilty over what your child gets. As others have said, do present exchange with your DC privately.

Not all parents believe that children should get ridiculous amounts of gifts on Xmas/ birthdays. To some people it really isn’t a big deal and does not reflect on how much they love/ value people.
My brother never buys me a birthday or Xmas present. His view is I go out and buy you something for 100 quid. You do the same for me. Maybe we like what we’ve been given, maybe we don’t. He shrugs and says, you keep your hundred quid. I’ll keep mine. Does he love me? Of course.
Do I link a lack of present to no love/ lack of thought. No. That doesn’t make him selfish. That makes him someone who doesn’t buy into presents. End of. I personally find his view quite entertaining.

Re the children getting spoilt at their mums. Could it be that he doesn’t agree with the level of spoiling? And is trying to show them that experiences matter more than things?

You buy what you wish for your child. You let him buy what he wishes for his life child. End of.

If you have a problem with the 99p earrings then I suggest you spend less on him and spend the money you would have spent on him, on yourself.
Or have a conversation with him about it. But don’t confuse the presents he buys you with what he does/ doesn’t do for his children. Not your place to interfere IMO.

[isaidaflip]

Can you not speak to your husband about this? If u say he can afford it then why don't you offer to buy presents for his children too and he sends you the money for it? He sounds like an ass tbh, you shouldn't have to take on this kind of responsibility for his children too although it is a lovely thing for you to do.

[Courtney555]

Are they with you Christmas Day? As in will they see a direct comparison with what your son has?

If they're all opening stockings together, it will be tough. But on the flipside, your DS (only) has those presents, whereas the others get loads at their mothers house, plus whatever they get at yours. Do they need two huge hauls of presents simply because their parents aren't under the same roof?

Would you feel bad about DS being at another home opening a couple of small presents when you know he'd be at yours later being spoilt to bits with loads?

[FairiesontheSwing]

Bet he doesn't get your son anything.

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

Agree with the others who have said it's not your job to pick up his slack. Concentrate on your son. By all means buy the stepkids a token gift but you shouldn't feel guilty about how crap he is as a dad.

Also re the present you received - I would be fuming. It's completely thoughtless. You don't have to spend a lot on someone to give them a thoughtful gift.

[LatentPhase]

Do they have to receive gifts at the same time?