Step dad overstepping the mark?

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

I posted this in chat last night and got no responses. I think my husband is overstepping by shouting at my daughter. We've been together for 7 years but only lived together for 18 months. He came back after his stop and said that he felt low down the pecking order in our house, ie after my daughter. Shouldn't she be my first priority before him? She's having a hard time with her dad as he has a go at her for minor stuff, to the point where she barely wants to see him. But I don't want her feeling like she's being got at here as well.

Also he said that I'd shouted at his kids in the past so what's the difference. I haven't. I may have been a bit sharp with them after asking them to do the same thing for the millionth time (something he should've been telling them, not me. And yes, I made that point to him).

Don't want to ruin the entire weekend but am lying in bed still feeling pretty mad. Both of us thinks the other is in the wrong.

t's Saturday night and I'm in bed at 9.30. Had a row with husband as he snapped at my daughter for no reason and upset her. He's been a grumpy bastard all day and I'm especially sensitive to her needs at the minute as she's getting a hard time off her dad. So husband fucked off out in a strop for an hour and has come home all apologetic but I honestly can't be arsed with him. This is my second marriage and it really shouldn't be this hard. Was really looking forward to a nice Saturday night in with some fizz and a movie but here I am in bed early. Feel like the weekend has been wasted.

Cheer me up with what you're doing this fine Saturday night. Or alternatively tell me you're having as shit a time as me.

[MyCatHatesEverybody]

Sassbot's response is spot on.

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

So dinner was ready, DH was texting, DD took it upon herself to tell him to get to the table and he shouted at her. Standard stuff really. I may well have shouted at her too. Then when he sat down you told him not to let your DD wind him up. Was this in front of your DD?
TBH, although her DF might not be the father you want him to be, picking her up from his because she can't have her own way is very undermining and you're playing right into her hands. I know when my now adult DD was a teen she would often try to pull a fast one with me or her DF (my ex) by phoning and crying. Neither of us would give in to her requests. She admitted once she was a proper adult that she was just trying to pull the wool over our eyes and would play the 'my dad / mum is being awful to me' card when she couldn't get her own way.
Basically you're saying your Dh should not challenge your DD. Sorry, but you're wrong.

@Soontobe60 I've only just seen this response, must've missed it. In terms of the way her dad treats her there is WAY more to it than what you have described. He is emotionally abusive (as he was to me our entire marriage) and undermines her self-confidence. I have written previous posts about him if you're interest in reading them.

Also I didn't say 'don't let DD wind you up' - it was the person he was texting I said not to get wound up by.

[Bibidy]

I think you're being unfair OP.

Even if your DD is having a hard time with her dad, it doesn't mean that your OH has to put up with whatever she throws at him. I can't imagine it's easy living with someone else's 16 year old, and I wouldn't take kindly to a child telling me to sit down for dinner either - jokey or not.

I also think that when you move in with someone, particularly if your kids are a bit older like your DD, you have to understand that your partner and your child need to develop an independent relationship outside of you. They clearly have here as you said your DD was upset he'd snapped since they get on so well usually. In that case, I don't think you need to be getting your back up on her behalf. I would understand if your partner had gone absolutely mental unfairly, but it sounds like he just snapped at her because she annoyed him - that's to be expected in any household.

[LASH38]

OP do you wait until everyone is seated to eat? I have assumed this but am not sure that’s the case?

[Branleuse]

i think if he was grumpy and wound up, its human to occasionally shout at people you are closest to. There are limits though obviously. As long as this isnt something that happens all the time and hes not cruel with it, then I think you should accept his apology and move on. Its hard to know how to be with this age group sometimes. Neither children nor adults

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

OP do you wait until everyone is seated to eat? I have assumed this but am not sure that’s the case?

Yes we do. Perhaps we're a bit old fashioned but to be fair we probably only sit down to eat all together as a family once a week so it's quite important.

Anyway all is forgiven and we've moved on.

[LASH38]

that’s what I thought we do the same, I thought it was basic manners.

So everyone was waiting for him to get off the phone before starting, I think it’s reasonable for DD to ask if he is going to sit down as long as it was done politely.

I’m sure for many posters here if the tables were turned they would go nuts at the whole family having to wait for a stepchild to get off the phone before eating. Or did they expect DD and the rest of the family to wait until their food was stone cold?

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

Correct @LASH38 - I agree it's good manners. And to be fair he does it A LOT! Oh well, there are worse sins I guess. (But the kids aren't allowed their phones at the table which is a tad ironic!)

[Foxzy]

As a step parent of late teens, who were 16 not very long ago, it's really really really fucking hard! Give him a break.

[Firefliess]

If the teens aren't allowed their phones at the dinner table, it would be worth you and DH deciding to set a better example and leave your own in another room. Speak up your DH about it some time when he's in a good and constructive mood. But also spend some one to one time with him - he needs to feel valued too.

My 16 year old DD can be really stroppy and difficult at times. Like yours, she has a difficult relationship with both her dad and DH (her stepdad) at times. I end up feeling I need to defend her as I'm the only person in the world who still loves her when she's being difficult. It's not a healthy dynamic in the family though.

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

Yep I agree. To be fair her relationship with her stepdad is usually very good, which is why it came as such a shock to her when he shouted at her.