Wanting to withdraw from the DC

[Butterflyone1]

Just returned from a family holiday abroad. DC has three children (DS 12, DD 9 and DD6). This was the second holiday abroad and we've had a few weekends away in the UK.

The holiday was a nightmare from start to finish. Various things went wrong and throughout the holiday it felt like nothing was enough for the kids.

I organised everything (I like organising it so that's fine) but DP had to constantly prompt DC to be grateful for what we've done. Everything was organised with the kids in mind, beach days, theme parks, water parks etc.

DP at times was useless. Completely oblivious to the lack of manners, rolling eyes and backchat. I called him out on it a few times and he then pulled the kids up.

It just made me want to withdraw completely. He says I shouldn't and the kids are just craving attention but I think they are just being ungrateful brats.

I usually like to do so much for the kids like organise days out, buy them clothes etc. DP is a great Dad but he's a typical Disney Dad. Doesn't want to upset them as he only sees them EOWE and a few weeks during their holidays.

I think me withdrawing won't impact the kids. They don't seem to care at all so I just think I might as well leave their Dad to sort everything out like he should do. WWYD?

[TrumpInflatableChased]

My dsc were like this on holiday but they talk about it all with great 3xcitement when they are home. I agree it’s early days, step back a bit, don’t expect any thanks and give them and their dad a bit of space.

I cringe a bit now thatb8 went on holiday with dh’s lot when they were about 2 years older, 2 years in. It was too soon.

[HoppingPavlova]

Whenever I see them (which is as often as their Dad) I always genuinely make them feel loved, safe and cared for. I am just at my wits end with the ungratefulness.

What makes you think they are any different to bio kids? That’s what kids are like, although I’m sure someone will be along shortly to tell us about their highly atypical angel of a child. Kids are generally self-centred, self-absorbed and ungrateful. Unfortunately societal norms today have also made them extremely entitled snowflakes. Unfortunately, can’t say things seem to shift that much until their 20’s to be honest. You only have them EOW and for a bit in the holidays, just imagine their poor mum who has to suffer it full time!

[Magda72]

Hi @Butterflyone1 - I had a very similar experience on holidays this year. Dp has three dc (19, 16 & 13) & I brought two of mine (17 & 13) with us & I can safely say NEVER again - & we've been together 5 years.
I agree with most pp's that kids on hols can be a right pain in the ass - but the thing I struggle with most about 'step parenting' is you're not allowed say ANYTHING to them. If mine are behaving badly I can pull them aside and tick them off but I can't do this with the sdc & if dp either doesn't see or chooses not to see their behaviour then they get away with it. I've also had this when holidaying with extended family - nieces/nephews being very irritating kids/teens (& I'm sure family members found my kids similar) but even if they don't get checked you know they'll head off at the end of the holiday & won't be your 'problem' anymore. With sdc & holidays you are helpless with regards to bad kid/teen behaviour but then you can also see that if the pattern continues you'll be dealing with the same at home & still won't be allowed say anything.
I agree with you that disengaging from your dp's dc most likely won't affect them. One thing that became glaringly obvious to me on this holiday is that dp's dc honestly couldn't give a rat's ass about me or my dc & would have been much happier if we hadn't been there. So yes, step back if you need to & take care of yourself.
However, I would if I were you, start asking myself if this is what I really want. I have a great relationship with my own kids & get on with kids/teens in general & therefore I was very idealistic as to the realities of step parenting. I though along the lines of treat them well & with respect and all will be fine. And to an extent it was - so long as dp & I were only bf & gf. However, when it became clear that dp & I were serious things started to change & nothing prepared me for their resentment (and that of their dm) at my & my kids' presence in their dad's life.
Really think on it as I know if I could have seen the future 5 years ago I'd have run, & even now dp & I are not in a great place & may possibly split. If we do it will be down to the many issues around his kids & my inability/unwillingness to put up with the situation any longer.
Really do think on this, would be my advice.

[Magda72]

Hi @Butterflyone1 - I had a very similar experience on holidays this year. Dp has three dc (19, 16 & 13) & I brought two of mine (17 & 13) with us & I can safely say NEVER again - & we've been together 5 years.
I agree with most pp's that kids on hols can be a right pain in the ass - but the thing I struggle with most about 'step parenting' is you're not allowed say ANYTHING to them. If mine are behaving badly I can pull them aside and tick them off but I can't do this with the sdc & if dp either doesn't see or chooses not to see their behaviour then they get away with it. I've also had this when holidaying with extended family - nieces/nephews being very irritating kids/teens (& I'm sure family members found my kids similar) but even if they don't get checked you know they'll head off at the end of the holiday & won't be your 'problem' anymore. With sdc & holidays you are helpless with regards to bad kid/teen behaviour but then you can also see that if the pattern continues you'll be dealing with the same at home & still won't be allowed say anything.
I agree with you that disengaging from your dp's dc most likely won't affect them. One thing that became glaringly obvious to me on this holiday is that dp's dc honestly couldn't give a rat's ass about me or my dc & would have been much happier if we hadn't been there. So yes, step back if you need to & take care of yourself.
However, I would if I were you, start asking myself if this is what I really want. I have a great relationship with my own kids & get on with kids/teens in general & therefore I was very idealistic as to the realities of step parenting. I though along the lines of treat them well & with respect and all will be fine. And to an extent it was - so long as dp & I were only bf & gf. However, when it became clear that dp & I were serious things started to change & nothing prepared me for their resentment (and that of their dm) at my & my kids' presence in their dad's life.
Really think on it as I know if I could have seen the future 5 years ago I'd have run, & even now dp & I are not in a great place & may possibly split. If we do it will be down to the many issues around his kids & my inability/unwillingness to put up with the situation any longer.
Really do think on this, would be my advice.

[Scorpiovenus]

Think of this as a blessing. You've seen that your DP doesn't actually step up when it comes to doing any real kind of parenting (rather than just the disney kind) so you now know for certain that he is definitely not the sort of man you want to have children with

This hit home with me a few months back. I saw that my fiancé has zero parenting skills and I have even said we wont because he is a Disney dad and even though he sees him 6 hours a week on a sunday, Also there is the fact I already do everything In the house and shopping etc, so yea..... I wouldn't be able to deal with it alone, he got proper offended at first and had a tantrum but it was true. He doesn't even know about him at school, gives him the same bacon sandwich he always does for sunday lunch and sometimes you got to make that decision don't you. My fiancé is not cut out to be a parent. and I'm not a slave ;)

[Scorpiovenus]

even though he sees him 6 hours a week on a sunday,

I meant to add he does nothing with him, the kid sits watching tv and him on his phone while I go do my garden or go see my parents. Its always been this way years before me and he is 8 years old.

[Hooferdoofer37]

The fact that he only sees his kids on "intermittent days" makes him a bad parent and the OP herself describes him as a Disney parent.

[Maltay]

Just had a family holiday with my 3 SD - not as ungrateful as what you described but I certainly felt underappreciated especially after all the laundry/sorting out to do when we got back. DP made me dinner and ran me a bath last night and said how much he appreciates what I do for them all , just something simple like that has made me feel a whole lot better.
I think if your OH did something similar it would help, remember the children won't be grateful as they expect to be looked after and spoiled. In a way that must mean they think of you as family!

[MellowBird85]

I’ve been in this situation and know what it’s like to be put under pressure to take part in holidays where every minute is like hell. Been with DH for 6 years, 3 stepkids. I don't go away with them now as it was just utterly unbearable every time. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve done my bit and been on plenty of holidays when they were younger. They’re his kids, if he wants to take them away, fair enough. But count me out please.

[Hooferdoofer37]

@Scorpiovenus can I just say I think you are really brave & wish there were more people like you.

I've come across so many in my life who refuse to say to their partner "you are a rubbish parent" even when they 100% are, in case they cause offence. It's always the kids that suffer in the end.

Well done you for pulling him up on it & for being smart enough not to have kids with him (I hope that doesn't sound patronising, I truly mean it).

[SolsticeBabyMaybe]

Something occurred to me recently. I think kids aren't 'grateful for' or don't 'appreciate' getting lots of nice things because they don't know any different. It's not til we get a bit older that we realise people have different lives and upbringings, and maybe we were quite lucky with ours!

So it's not only normal, it's understandable in a way.

However I wouldn't tire yourself trying to make everything child focused and perfect. Often they just want attention. So even involving them in stuff around the house can please them, just as long as you're doing it with them.

[Shplot]

To be honest they sound like normal kids and 18 months isn’t long at all. Instead of going overboard though I’d concentrate on family movie nights, park, board games and normal life. If they expect holidays and being spoilt every time they see you they won’t be grateful, it’s just normal to them.

[onlyoneoftheregimentinstep]

I really don't think it's fair to expect children to be grateful. Ok if they've specially asked to do something, but holidays are often based around what adults think the children want to do. Hopefully they enjoyed the activities, and if they did then that should be thanks enough.

[onlyoneoftheregimentinstep]

Also this!

[HollowTalk]

@Scorpiovenus Are you planning to stay with this man? Marry him?

[ThisHereMamaBear]

I don't have SC but my ds behaves differently on holiday (but then don't we all?) i'd say stop trying to plan so much, I like to do this but on holiday, I prefer to just go with what the children want to do. Depending on their age, they won't be saying "wow, that was so much fun" if they didnt think it was. I personally dont think that is ungrateful, it's just young children (if indeed they are young)

[whateverhappenstheremore]

Tbh must be a nightmare. My kids are the same must be worse with SC

[ralphfromlordoftheflies]

My last holiday with DP and DSC was the 7th depth of hell. It just exacerbated all of the existing tensions, double standards and different expectations and rules for my DC, and DP's Disney parenting. The DSC are typically rude and ungrateful but there was no escape from this on holiday, or their ten ice creams and twenty fizzy drinks a day or chips for every meal because they didn't like anything else or their incessant moaning and sulking, or them and DP dictating how me and DC spend each day and where or them constantly picking on DC and never being pulled up by DP.

Split up with DP soon after and have since had a lovely holiday with just me and DC which put to bed any doubts about rekindling things with DP.

[SusieQwhereareyou]

My ds’s (12 and 10) are not brilliantly behaved and quite hard work, however one nice quality they have is being appreciative of things like days out, holidays etc. At at least one point during a holiday and then normally on the way home, they will both say, thank you for taking us on holiday (or to the cinema etc, whatever it is). However this does not mean they are in a state of constant appreciation for the duration and can still be a pita while we’re doing whatever we are doing! So I think your expectations of what constitutes a demonstration of appreciation for children might need to be readjusted. And children will never appreciate things like packing, booking things, laundry, not until they are adults themselves!
My dps children aren’t like mine, they say please and thank you but wouldn’t acknowledge a treat or a day out etc, but it doesn’t particularly bother me because I’m not that invested in their upbringing. As a result I can be fond of them and not get too irritated by some of their behaviour, which can be extremely demanding. They have two parents who are responsible for bringing them up, I’d like to be a positive person in their life but to be honest we could split tomorrow and I’d never see them again, just how it is. I focus on my children’s upbringing, for which I am solely responsible. OP I think it’s early days and while you don’t need to withdraw in a negative way, stepping back a bit and giving them space with their dad will probably be a good thing.