Not invited to partners sons sports day because his ex will be there

[Kerlouphil]

My partner has 2 children and his youngest has a sports day coming up and his eldest has an awards evening. I was in conversation about these events with the older child and she invited me and her dad to her evening which I delightfully accepted. I asked her for the dates of this and her brothers sports day to which my partner said I couldnt go to the sons sports day as his ex wife will be there but that I could go to the daughters award evening because his ex wife will be working that evening so wouldn't be there. If it wasnt for his daughter I really dont want to go now as i feel i am only allowed to attend these events if the ex wife isnt present. As far as I have been told the ex wife has no issues with me although I have never met her. I have been with my partner for 2years now!!

[Hcwxxx]

My ex has a gf of 5 years. My son is 11 and she goes to EVERYTHING!

She is a very strong minded woman who believes she is better than everyone else grrr.
We get on well but only because I bite my tongue and put on a happy face.

Anyway. As I said she goes to everything. It’s very awkward as I’m the goose bury at my own sons parents evenings etc.
I feel the teachers talk to them rather than me and his dad.
She makes me feel out of place.
She has no kids of her own and doesn’t want any.

I wish I could tell her sports days etc is fine for his encouragement etc but parents evenings, school meetings etc .... just let the parents go.....

[BraveGoldie]

A lovely update OP! Good for you and the mum! These things are really tricky, as you say, but sounds like you are well on your way to having collaborative, pleasant, respectful relationships all round. This will be a wonderful thing for the children, who just want to be able to love and be loved all round, without tension and guilt.

[juneshowers19]

I've been a step-parent for 13 years now, DSD lives with us and I have PR.

I could go to all the school events if I wanted to and I do go to most of them but for the handful that Mum does attend, I tend to make my excuses. It's just a bit bloody awkward and I know DSD picks up on it. I don't particularly enjoy them, pretty sure DSD doesn't, DH doesn't.....it's just not worth it imo.

[HotChocolateLover]

@Kerlouphil I think you’re right to feel insulted. This woman is happy for you to look after her kids (what are you, the nanny??) but you can’t come to this? As long as you don’t take part in the mother’s race then I see no problem.

[Kerlouphil]

Figured I would update - myself and partner ended up having some harsh words back and forth about future events etc. To which we ended up agreeing to just see what happened at future events. So yesterday was my stepsons summer fayre. We were out having lunch and he asked me if I would like to join them. We collected his son from his mums house while I waited in the car down the road to which she asked my partner if she could meet me. She was ever so lovely and thanked me for taking him. Yes a little awkward but overall very pleasant. She asked lots of questions about my sons and said how much her son speaks of them etc. Overall a really good experience and step forward for me and my partner. On the other hand out of the corner of my eye I could see my partner stood there looking completely shell shocked that these two women were standing there chatting like any other. 😝

[Confusedteacher]

If the daughter invited you then I think it would be lovely to go.

FWIW, I think you should try to engineer a meeting with the exW. I am both an ex wife and a step parent in this scenario and I honestly think things are easier all round if all the adults have met each other and get along for the sake of the children.

Having said that, my ex was very cagey about me meeting his GF, despite me saying to him several times she didn’t need to wait in the car, she was welcome to come in. Eventually I just walked out to the car and said hi!

I’ve met my DP’s ex 2-3 times and yes it’s ever so slightly awkward but we are both perfectly civil to each other and I think this will get easier with time. I certainly have no ill feelings to either my ex’s GF or my DP’s ex, and I would be happy for my ex’s DP to come to a school event if the DC wanted them there. I have also been to sporting events etc for DP’s DC although inevitably when his ex wasn’t there, as it was whenever it fell on his weekend.

[thirdfiddle]

DD had her sports day today, DH went - we take turns as can't both take time off work for every school event. He certainly didn't take photos, it isn't allowed. There are plenty of school events, sports day is not a big deal. If you want to be part of his school life I'm sure there'll be something else along soon you can go to. I'd be upset to miss it if they had a big part in a school play or something, and I'd be sad if there couldn't be an adult there for them for each thing as they would feel left out. Every adult there for every thing is just not realistic.

[SandyY2K]

It's usually the mums who take pictures of these events. It's likely his Ex would have taken some.

[Athena1985]

wow this is a tough one - I guess your the adults but whats important is what is best for the children involved? It sounds to me like your husband isn't listening to your step daughter- your step daughter has asked you to go , maybe it would be a good idea to meet her mum before this sports event and see how you get on and then you can then gage if it would be a good idea for you and her mum to be at this sports event together - whats your husbands reason for not wanting you to go - is he worried there will be conflict or is it just he wants to keep his past separate from his present- is he maybe trying to protect you ? Ideally it would be nice to have all three of you there for the children but sometimes it can be awkward and personally I would be thinking that maybe you and your partner could take turns with mum to go to events of the children if you cant all agree wouldn't that be a compromise then everyone involved is happy ?

[HerondaleDucks]

@Kerlouphil
That's a real shame, sorry he didn't take any pictures. I definitely agree about picking your battles.
Hope you don't have any more hurdles in the future but step parenting is a tricky sea to negotiate. All the best!

[Kerlouphil]

So I didnt go today and never mentioned it again. Figured it was one of those instances of choosing your battles. Although a little gutted that partner didnt take any pics. Thanks all for the advice I'm sure I'll have more hurdles ahead that I will need your help with 😩

[thirdfiddle]

I don't think sports days are a family day out really. One parent attending so child has someone to wave at is plenty. DH and I take turns never mind having 3 people there. I'd save the holiday for when you can do stuff together over the summer.

[SandyY2K]

There's no stepparent standard as every blended family is different.

Its coming across as though your DP is the one who doesn't want you both there, not his Ex. Maybe it's him who feels awkward with you both there. I know my DB feels uncomfortable with his Ex and his wife at the same event. I'd probably feel the same too.

I would outright ask him if she has said you're not to attend.

It doesn't sound like the Ex has a problem with you. I certainly wouldn't ask my DD to see if you could do her hair if I had a problem with you.

[HerondaleDucks]

I know. It's a complete mine field. I've learnt so much from MN about the dos and don'ts of it all. I don't have any children of my own but we have my sc full time.

It can really tough knowing what the right thing to do is. But that seems a safer option when it comes to this.

[Kerlouphil]

I've not done this before and I have said myself and my ex have never had an issue where these things are concerned. So wasnt something I had had to think about previously

[Kerlouphil]

And I am happy to take a back seat if that's standard step parenting rules!!

[HerondaleDucks]

Treading on very dangerous territory on MN there OP. When it comes to school events and open days etc the Mother's feelings are prioritised.
That's why I said it's best to take a back seat with those particular things.

[Kerlouphil]

I wouldn't have been attending just to meet the mother I would have been going because my stepson asked me to and because I would like to. I am a big part of their lives. My question was should I accept that my partner only allows me to such events if his ex wife isnt present. At what point of step parenting am I accepted to all events and not just ones mum cant attend due to her feelings. Surely on my partners behalf my feelings should come above hers. Like I said previously the mum is more than happy to let me share the parenting when they are with my partner and has even praised me in the past.

[HerondaleDucks]

I think you've taken on board the opinions here very well.
In my experience it's not worth getting involved in these things unless specifically asked. My dsd asked me to go see her in a play because her dad was busy, but her mum was also going. I thought I would sneak in at the back and just wave to show I was there. Her mum came in saw me and decided to sit next to me and make awkward conversation the whole time. It was excruciating but on a whole we have a very civil relationship now so it wouldn't be as awkward now.
All I can recommend is to follow your dp lead on these things, a lot of school events have limited spaces and sometimes it's best to just leave it to mum and dad.
I definitely like the idea of getting lots of videos and pictures so you can watch them with the sc and show your praise and excitement with them, but then it doesn't necessarily upset their mum/dad.
I normally offer to look after my dss so my dh can go to all the events.

[tisonlymeagain]

I only go to events if the ex-wife isn't present, and even then I don't go to school events as she explicitly told DP that I couldn't. It's fine with me, I have no desire to meet her. It's not an amicable split.

[swingofthings]

Them first meeting ex-new partner is usually quite awkward for everyone even when there is no bitterness. Doing so at a school event when it is all about the child and is supposed to be a time of feeling relax and having fun is not appropriate.

It's not about excluding you, it's about timing, that and the fact that indeed, the school might limit the number of people who can attend.

Discuss with your OH about meeting with the ex and whether she would agree.

[NoSquirrels]

Surely this is where you need an honest conversation with your DP to find out how he wants this stuff to go in the future? Surprised it’s not come up before now, tbh, if you’ve been together 2 years.

In terms of an ‘excuse’ for your DSS, just say you couldn’t get the day off work for sports day, and ask your DP to take lots of video/pics so you can admire them later and congratulate him?

[Anuta77]

I think you have to ask your partner directly. Every family is different.
I recently read on another forum about a SM asking whether she should go to her SD's first day of school. The mother was openly against it, but the SM sounded like she considered her just as important as the mother, the SD loved her and she and her husband told the mother to suck it up and she will go anyway, because "her SD's feelings are more important than the mother's". And many SM's reported the same situation. The partner was on their side against the mother.
Then you have people who say that the mother's feelings are more important.
So you really have to see what's going on in your situation.
Also, I wouldn't lie to my schildren. Tell them that daddy doesn't think it's a good idea and leave it up to him to explain it.

[CanILeavenowplease]

Erm...I have never met any of my ex’s new partners. The last one was batted away from me for 6 years. I guess he would prefer she didn’t get any information from me first-hand. Be very wary.

[stuffedpeppers]

Because the event is about the child and not the parents.

No matter what if one EX turns up with a partner and the other does not - people watch and look to see the state of the relationship and wait for a bad look /words etc.

Personally I do not want to be subject to the bitchy parents gossip and looks - it is bad enough being a single mother at school events without adding that aspect in aswell.