Am I being too emotional

[Londongirl07]

So I’ve been seeing my partner now for over 2 years, he is very much involved in my 2 children’s lives and they adore him, he stays over practically everyday but when he has his children he goes back home as simply there isn’t enough room for all 4 kids here...so when he has his kids we don’t see him...not a big deal for me for the time being as as we are not in a position to be moving at this moment in time.

Anyway, I see his children maybe 2 to 3 times in the month when he brings them over so the kids can play together etc. Now this is the part I need to know am I being emotional, unreasonable any advice would be great.

Over the summer holidays I need to work a few days and I know for a fact he will he off at least 1 day of the week during the summer term to be with his kids, I asked him to help me out with having mine for the few hours I’m at work (as my kids father is useless with helping) so I can gain some extra money and he seemed a little reluctant. He said you expect me to have the kids for 3 days in a row and I said no just help me with one day at least and then he said you’ll just ask week after week and I said yeah just for the summer holidays that is all!

He said maybe ask your family to help out etc...what I wanted him to say was I’ll try help you out when I can but he only said that when I had to say I didn’t like the way he would throw it on my family first, I said to him he is my partner I should be be able to rely on him when push comes to shove. I’m not asking him to take days off as I would never do that but if i know he will be home I would’ve expected him to help me as I would do the same. His excuse is also that it’ll be too much to have all 4 kids...they’re between the ages of 6-11 so not babies.

I just feel as if he’s not in it 100% to make us work as a family should, I would do it for him no questions asked or any issues.

I’m not trying to force him to be a father to my children, but I see it as if we are in it for the long run we have to treat the children equally and do things as a family would be it looking after kids so one can go to work etc.

I am just feeling as if he’s not ready to take this responsibility on of being with someone with children and blending our families to make it “real” if you get what I mean and it’s hurting because it’s been now over 2 years we are together so I didn’t expect this.

Any advice would be great I need to vent to someone as I have no one to speak to as I’m too embarrassed

I'm in the exact same position as you (living arrangements etc), but I wouldn't ask my partner to have my kids when he has his, unless he offered. I ask family and arrange holiday clubs

He is taking time off work to spend with his own children, and he seems to see them less often than your children, OP - which is what makes you unreasonable here. You are trying to cut in on his time with his own children. You say you'd do it for him, but I think that would be different if it was the only time you saw your own children.

It is good that he is willing to take time off work to care for his children during the summer holidays, but it's not his fault that your own children's father won't do the same.

I get the feeling that there is something you are not happy with - it's not this particular issue, but you are using it as a scapegoat and I don't think it's a good one to measure your relationship against tbh.

I wouldn't look after my stepchildren on my day off. They have their own parents to look out for them.

Yep, you're being unreasonable. He's your boyfriend, not a step-parent. He has taken time off to spend with his kids - that time is precious. He already sees lots of yours. It's right for him to protect some time when his own kids can be with their dad, and not feel pushed out by his girlfriend's kids. This is him being a good dad. He is right to prioritise his kids above providing unpaid childcare for his girlfriend, to compensate for her kids' dad not being very involved.

2 years is hardly anything in a blended situation. He’s not their dad

What's that got to do with anything? Are children only to be minded by parents? I've looked after friends children and they've looked after mine. It's a bit shitty when your partner won't help out with the odd bit of childcare short-term.

I don’t think he’s unreasonable. But can you imagine the uproar on here if a stepmum posted saying she doesn’t want to look after her stepkids because she wants to spend time with her own kids

Exactly..."You knew what you were taking on when you got with him..." is the usual response. Or "Oh so your children come before your partners kids blah blah blah"

Exactly..."You knew what you were taking on when you got with him..." is the usual response. Or "Oh so your children come before your partners kids blah blah blah"

It's really not the same, as already explained in the thread.

He doesn't get to live with or see his kids every day, and he doesn't even fully live with OP.

@somecakefather as you can read, seeing as you quoted me, it was in response to the comment “after 2 years isn’t he your family”. No he is not their family after 2 years of dating their mother, he is not their dad.

@WoahMySocksAreOnFire I don't think you can comment on other people's family status with such vehemence! Do you know them?

@Magda72 no vehemence at all. I was defending him, he isn’t their dad or their family, he is their mum’s boyfriend. They don’t even live together (although he stays over quite a bit). I don’t think it fair to assume they are a family and therefore he has a responsibility to look after her children. He doesn’t and he’s well within his rights to say no

The context of my comment seems to be lost...

I'm with you OP. I've been with OH for two years although we do live together. At the start, when we were getting serious, I made it very clear that me and my children were a package and he would need to get his head around being a stepdad. I set out my expectations and told him he needed to think very seriously about what it was he was taking on. My stepdad had kids of his own but also a huge parental influence me, he helped shape the person I am and I wanted nothing less for my kids. OH knew this from the start, he even talked it over with a counsellor to be as sure as he could that he was prepared. OH will take holiday days to look after my children, he'll take them to football practice every week. And this is despite 50/50 shared parenting with exH. ExH's partner does the same, she has a child of her own but she does the school run for my DC's twice a week. She wouldn't have it any other way. My kids have four parents who have parental responsibility for them, that's how we all see it.

Thank you everyone for your messages good and bad we all have our own opinions and that is totally fine. I know can be emotional at
Times that’s why I vented on here to not make it a huge problem and just get everyone else’s opinions!

Just to say if he was to ask me to look after his children I would not have a single problem, I’m his partner and I’m here to help him and make his life easier as I would hope the same too.

Our children get on very well. He sees his children twice a week (not his choice as he would love them more) but how I just see it (ok to some 2 years isn’t much) I’ve spent 5 days a week with this man for over 2 years now and my children too, I see us as a family being married or not married.

Like I said just wanted to see others opinions on this as I was simply upset And just needed his help for 4 hours once a week during the summer term. My exh isn’t helpful what so ever he’s very bitter at the moment and making life difficult to the point he wasn’t having the kids for a whole year or paying any maintenance. His family are all abroad too so they won’t help and they’re not very nice. All my family work and I only work part time so for me I can’t afford holiday clubs and it doesn’t make sense to work to just pay for holiday clubs so the other option is not work and get no money or ask the bf to help for 4 hours...that was all but again thank you all! X

Well that was a massive drip feed!

Your last post changes things quite a bit. It isn’t all day, it’s 4 hours and he already sees his kids twice a week which is quite regularly. He stays (and presumably eats / showers / does his washing?) at your house 5 nights a week.
Personally it sounds like he’s having the best of everything whilst not being willing to help.
There’s no way I’d be having a partner there that often and that involved in my children’s lives if he wasn’t willing to help out with the odd bit of childcare.
I initially thought you were being unfair as I assumed he had very limited time with his kids and had booked time off purposely to see them, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.

I would limit how much time he spends at yours after this. Do you and your kids ever go and stay at his house?

I’m a step mum and look after my DSS probably a full day a fortnight on my own at the weekend and run him into school once a fortnight on average. Sometimes more, sometimes less. I’ve been doing school runs since I’ve been on mat leave, I wasn’t able to before.

I’m shocked by the responses, I’ve never felt DH is BU in asking me to do this. He does go to his family first admittedly, which I appreciate but when asked I oblige. Frankly when I was child free especially I could think of better ways to spend my days but I did it as a favour to my DH who I would expect to put himself out for me once in a while if he needed to.

Surely relationships are give and take and about compromise?

I was a bit surprised too by others comments but I respect everyone’s opinions but maybe I did not explain myself clearly about the situation. I wasn’t expecting him to look after my children for 8/9 hours 5 days a week it was 4 hours once a week during the summer term. I would never expect him to stop work for me ever.

I just thought it’s a bit of give and take I’m Not trying to make him my children’s father but being with me he knows it’s a package and if I needed help I would’ve expected him to help as I would’ve helped him.

Don’t get me wrong he helps out but it’s more when he doesn’t have his children and it’s just mine if I need to pop to the shops etc, he’s helped financially too, so maybe I expected too much.

Maybe I need to re-evaluate some things 🙁

My apologies OP. I misunderstood the situation. I have on times offered to look after my stepchildren when it's just been couple of hours while OH pops to the shops. On the understanding that if I ring his mobile he must answer or call me back as soon as possible if driving. This is also me offering and he doesn't expect it. I think he would be expecting too much of me to automatically assume I'll look after them. That is where resentment could build and I'd feel like free childcare. He can ask and I can say yes or no freely. If I say no he just accepts it.

I think if he was just asking for 4 hours of my day off I would do it. He would probably be very grateful and treat me to a nice takeaway or something to say thank you. If it was 4 hours every week it would be a big commitment so he might take me on holiday or a fancy meal out as a thank you. But it does depend on what your OH had planned with his children and it should be up to him if he helps or not. 4 hours for a few weeks does add up to quite a bit of free time used up.

If he's helped you out with them financially then that is a big thing to do, not a lot of new partners would do that.

Surely relationships are give and take and about compromise?

That’s true, but the point is you don’t have to take on a full on mother role to a man’s children. There’s compromise but there’s also not being a mug. You have to get a balance I think.

What I don’t get when it comes to a stepmum being on mat leave, is why do people assume that the stepchild no longer needs a nursery place/holiday clubs etc..? Surely it is better to keep these things in place rather than give up a childcare place.
If a mum was to have a second child, nobody would be up in arms about her keeping her first child in childcare while she is at home with her new baby. People would call her smart and forward thinking (regarding keeping the childcare place) and tell her that she’s entitled to spend time at home with just her baby for a few hours without an older child there all the time. And they would also say the older child still needs to benefit from the social aspect of childcare so it would be wrong to pull them out. So what on Earth is different when it comes to a stepmum being on mat leave and why does it all become a complete catastrophe if her stepchild is at childcare while she’s at home with her baby?

@funinthesun19
My step son has never been to any kind of childcare. He’s always been with parents or mostly my in-laws. That’s a topic for another post.

I would feel exactly how you describe if childcare was expected of me etc. But it’s not really, it’s the odd favour. Which is fine. Dropping him off to school for the day is no big deal. I’d expect my husband to take half an hour out of his day if I needed help with something.