How do people honestly feel about step children?

[Bestlife18]

Hello. I am looking for some advice. I am currently separated and one of the biggest issues my husband has was his relationship with my daughter (his step daughter). She was approaching 3 when we first met, now 7. We also have a child together who is only a toddler. He says he feels guilty about the fact that he does not love her. I think he is also very jealous of the very close relationship she has with her bio dad who is very present in her life. I am seeing counsellor but I wanted to find out from other step parents how they truly felt about their step child. During arguments, he would moan at me because I hadn’t told him and involved him in decisions around her or school sports days etc. But this past 6 months before breaking up, he behaved as if he wasn’t interested so yes - I didn’t bother involving him! He has a lot of issues of his own - abusive and useless parents, bullied etc. His actions tell me that he does care about her but I am at a loss as I can’t understand the situation. Any advice appreciated.

[NorthernSpirit]

It’s hard. Especially when there is a difficult EW involved (as in my case). I’ve been a SM for over 3.5 years. I get on great with the younger boy but the older girl is moody, very influenced by her over bearing mother and i’m lucky to get a hello or goodbye from her. She doesn’t want to engage in conversation, she’s only pleasant to me when there’s something in it from her. And no.... I wasn’t the OW before anyone asks. I have really tried with my DSD but she’s not interested. It’s hard, it’s a thankless task. I don’t love my DSC - i’m very fond of them but if I ever split from their dad I wouldn’t go out of my way to see them.

[Spanglyprincess1]

Instagrampork: that's a very good discription which I second. I don't mind them but honestly if I didn't see them again I wouldn't be concerned other than fact my son would miss his half siblings

[Magda72]

@InstagramPork - spot on & exactly how I feel about my dss's. I give them and dp lots of space as their dm is very tricky & I don't want to make their lives any harder than they already are but as a result bonding is harder than it should be.
They're nice kids & I enjoy their company in small doses but find long periods tough as even though they're teens they hang out of dp constantly & I have absolutely zero in common with one of them who I've recently noticed is sabotaging a lot of dp's weekends - another thread entirely.
However, I never miss them & they don't enrich my life or that of my kids & vice versa I'm very sure. I find this sad but honestly feel that a close sp/sdc relationship can't really develop unless all the adults are on board as kids inevitably have loyalty to their dms & dfs.
That being said I make a big effort with them which pays off sometimes with the eldest guy - other two not so much. I feel sorry for dp in it all as my life is much easier as my kids are open & accepting & very fond of him & my exh has no issues around him spending time with our kids.

[kitkat6]

Having stepkids is a whole new world to parenting. DSS lives with me and his dad 12 days out of 14 plus the majority of the school holidays. So I get the financial burden, the admin burden plus all other child related responsibilities as if I am organising for my DS then it makes sense to organise for both. Just to add DH is a fully responsible parent who does his fair share but occasionally needs a nudge in the right direction to realise that he also needs to act as mum as well as dad during those 12 days as I can't replace his mother. I don't love DSS the same way as I love DS, normal child stuff from DSS is a lot more irritating than it is for DS, after 5 years I have accepted that is normal and no longer feel guilt about it. DSS is going through a lovely phase of trying to play one house off against the other which isn't working at the moment luckily as his mum is being unusually helpful and attempting to parent when he is at hers. I would however, never date a man with 90% custody ever again. I take my hat off to the primarily men who do it, it is the hardest part of parenting I have come across.

[HerondaleDucks]

Same shoes as you kitkat but we have the children 100% and mum sees them for a few hours once a month... sometimes twice at our house. My dp is a credit though and is a brilliant brilliant dad. We share as much as we can but I don't step on his toes. Our set up has been really hard in the last year. I would not do this for another man. Ever. I get on really well with my dsd though and I would say I love those kids more and more as the days go by. But it might because I have a more mother like role not inappropriately but because it's asked of me by the family as a whole. I wish a lot that their mother was more involved as I worry about my place in things and not wanting to overstep on her territory. It's hard to know your place in a step family I guess. I hope that our bond continues to grow though.

[Lookatyourwatchnow]

I don't love my DSC. I think that our relationship is hindered by their DM's sporadic dislike/ambivalence towards me, and undermined by her telling them that they don't have to listen to what I say, and that I play no part in any decisions about their lives, but at the same time having the expectation that I look after them whilst they are here, cook, clean their room, do homework with them, take them to nice places, buy them stuff. So I think they see me as someone who has all of the same responsibilities for them as their parents, but also as someone that they don't have to respect or listen to. Not their fault, but a shit dynamic!

[Bestlife18]

Yes butterface it is very hard. He is hard work. I also think school doesn’t help with things. One mum commented here that she felt like she had missed out with the nativity. Our school only gives two tickets to everything so that’s one for me, one for bio dad and it has been a huge cause of frustration. Also parents evenings. I think of anything, all of your thoughtful comments are just making me think long and hard before I would ever think about moving into any future relationship where my own kids would have a step parent and where I would also potentially be a step parent myself!!

[AliceRR]

I am fond of my step kids but I don’t think of them as my own kids and I’m not sure that I love them. I don’t have the desire to have them around all the time like DH does as their parent and to me they don’t have any special status over any other relative of DH who I consider family as a result of our marriage. I actually think I would have a much closer relationship with them if DH had handled things better as he has inadvertently (I think) sabotaged our relationship. If you want your partner to take an interest and be involved then you have to involve him. You can’t pick and choose. That’s something DH has done. He’ll treat me like an outsider when he feels like it and then wonder why I do not have a closer relationship with them 🤔

[duckling84]

I been a part of dsd' s life since she was one - she is now 10 so quite frankly, she's only ever know her df with me. I care about her deeply, would do anything for her, but I agree the love is the same as for niece/nephew, not like my biological children., and I don't miss her when she is not here.
I personally think you have been incredibly harsh on your dp. He has been expected to raise your dd, to make sure she has a roof over her head, food on the table, clothes on her back, no doubt helped out when she has been sick, had nightmares, fallen out with friends, comforted her when she's fallen over and scrapped her knee... and he's not even allowed to her nativity or sports day. That's horrible really. I get her bio dad is still heavily involved, but truthfully, who did you call on to help at 3am when she had a burning temp?
Stepparenting is shit. You have to deal with all the crappy parts of parenting that are usually made worthwhile when your dc gives you that hug and says they love you - but you don't get the hug or love.

[Wheresthel1ght]

The nativity/parents evening are a misnomer here. In most cases if issues are explained to the school there are often work around. For example my disc's school has always accommodated additional slots at pare ts evening for dp (and me if I wanted to go), after several issues with their dm being obstructive over behaviour issues with dss and him falling behind in class the school actively sought us out for a meeting as they felt they would get a better response from us. Op, from the perspective of a step parent, the issues over parents eve etc are not necessarily the true issue. There is every possibility that this is deeper rooted but the school stuff has just been a catalyst to him addressing his feelings. You need to speak to him, but be prepared to hear things you don't really want to hear. He is likely to tell you that it is less about school and more about feeling undermined when disciplining, that you ignore his feelings or input when decisions need to be made regarding your dd. It could very well be little decisions that most parents don't necessarily consult each other on, but the fact he helps to raise her when she isn't is amplifies is. I think you need to look hard at your behaviour, I am not being mean so I apologise if comes over that way, but you are unlikely to be blameless in the situation that has been created. Sorry.

[Wheresthel1ght]

Sorry carriage returns appear not to be working

[funinthesun18]

I like my sdd but if someone asked me if I love her I’d say as much as I’d love a niece or nephew, which obviously isn’t the same love as I have for my own. Sdd has just gone away on holiday and I told her to have a great time and I’ll see her when she gets back. I know that if it was one or all of my children going on holiday and I wasn’t, I’d be constantly thinking about them and missing them. With sdd I’m not pining for her in the slightest.

[wheresthehope]

I have a stepdad, A stepmum and my partner has a daughter (7yrs) , I am yet to have any of my own. We have his daughter 50/50 and to be honest if we were to break up I would not date another single father. I like dsd but as others have said I feel its like niece and nephew relationship although she is a nice kid. Saying that I think of her when buying stuff food shopping or xmas, birthdays etc. I guess i am included in some school activities if i choose to go, i went to last years school production etc ...I do however discipline in the house etc... mainly cause i am an adult and that is how i am raised... i will tell friends kids off if i feel they need it so its no different there, i have been blessed with my mothers scary stare down so that's all i really need

[JustMarriedAndLovingIt]

If i’m Honest, resentful a lot of the time. Not a popular opinion on MN but true.

[ShirazShirley86]

Dsd is 16 now, I met her when she was 6.

I love dsd, but not exactly the same as my own dc. More of the way I love a niece IFYSWIM?

It’s been made harder in recent years because she’s seemed to grow to resent me. I can’t blame her, putting myself in her shoes I think I’d have wanted my parents to get back together, or have felt pushed out at two new dc.

Im still trying to figure out when it was I cocked it all up.

[ShirazShirley86]

Oh I can see others have used the niece example! I feel like less of a cow now!

[Bythebeach]

My husband loves my first born like our own. I never expected it of him and completely expected there would be some difference but, in this respect, my husband is truly amazing. However, he has always know DS1 and we have lived together since DS1 was 17months. For the first few years of DS1’s life, his father was quite involved and I was quite protective that DS1 had a father so my husband had to be mindful not to step on DS1’s dad’s toes. When DS1’s dad moved hundreds of miles away, my DH was frequently the one who drove DS1 to facilitate contact. He has taken DS1 on trips and to events just the two of them numerous times and views him no differently to our other two boys as naturally over the many years he has grown to be an equal parent to me to DS1. It was him that welled up when DS1 played a solo in yr 6 concert, not me! DS1 is a teenager now and testing us both more and I do wonder if this phase will test DH more but it hasn’t so far. But I think DH is unusual in his love for DS1 and I feel really blessed.

[Magda72]

@Bythebeach your dh sounds great 😊. However I do think it's easier to bond with scs when you don't have the guilt of having other children with a previous partner.
My dp gets on great with my kids but can't let himself go with it because underlining any affection/bond he feels with my kids is the guilt that he is being disloyal to his own kids.

[IveHitPeakTumeric]

I do love them but the total lack of control that your life takes on when you have step children is very difficult to deal with. With your own children you could have some say on what you do on any day of the week to some extent and plan holidays etc in advance, with stepkids your life isn't really yours.

You are also exluded a lot ie. I was very upset to be unable to go see DSD1 in her first nativity last Christmas but as stepmum I am an afterthought.

My DP also likes to plan things without mentioning things to me forgetting it has a massive impact on my life and they only way I can deal with this sometimes is to detach.

This is so true. All of it. The lack of control part especially. Your life really isn’t your own. It’s dictated by whatever your partner and their ex are arranging regarding the DSCs and you have no choice but to go along with it or else get accused of not wanting the DSCs around.

It’s worse for the step parent if the other parent is very involved because there is literally no role for the step parent to fill really. Other than ‘not as good parent’ or ‘second best auntie/uncle’, who has to go along with whatever their partner and ex partner decide. It’s not always a comfortable role to be in, particularly when it’s within your own family in your own home and you’re living it every day.

To answer your question, I love my DSC because they are my children’s sibling and I’ve known them for ten years, since they were a toddler. But the love I have for my own children is incomparable. I’m the only mum my children have - I give them my all. DSC has a very involved mum, so they don’t need me at all in the same way.