Not Sure What To Do!

[GreenAndSilverBoxes]

Hi,

Have namechanged for this post, although haven't posted on this thread for a while!

Backstory: Extremely hostile ex-wife - horribly controlling to the point of trying to control what DSD (8) eats / wears / sleeps etc when she's with us. (I wouldn't necessarily mind except she's saying things like she needs biscuits throughout the day and before bed) A lot she says I feel verges on parents alienation towards him and you can tell it gets to DSD because she cries and gets upset when she says things her mum has told her to my DP.

Anyway... I've known her since she was 3 and I have a child with my partner now also.

This week she's with us for a week which is the longest BM has ever "allowed" her to stay... (not for the want of asking)

So dilemma: this morning DSD asks me if she can call me "Mum" when she's hear. I literally didn't know what to say. I ended up saying that she can call me whatever she feels comfortable calling me and if she wants to stick to GreenAndSilverBoxes she can do that... so all day now she's been calling me mum. Now don't get me wrong I've known this kid for years and I would say I do love her and having her here... but I know this is going to cause absolute hell with BM.

Her and DP are due at court soon and I think this is all going to explode!

Any idea how I should have played it? Should I have said no? I didn't want to say no in case it made her feel bad 😞 help!

[user1473756940]

Oh dear, I really hate how SMs get ripped to shreds on this board when asking for advice about common step parenting issues on a STEP PARENTING board.

And some posters saying 'No way, you should have said no, you have a mum' are the same people that on another post will say that 'step-parents need to put themselves aside and what the child is happy with is best'. You can't bloody win OP. So which is MNs the child's feelings or the DMs feelings? I think OP sounds sensitive to the DM and DSC needs and feelings, she is aware this will of course upset DM which is a given and also not wanting to upset DSC as obviously she herself as decided she wants to call her that otherwise she wouldn't ask.

I personally, would have said something along the lines of you've got a mum and only they get to be called that because its a very special title. But like OP said, she was put on the spot and it is a tough one when it comes so direct from the child.

For what its worth OP it sounds like your doing a great job

[GreenAndSilverBoxes]

@Bluebell878275 You've got the nail on the head saying that she's going to kick off regardless.

I think you're right. I think we'll just let it play out and see what happens.

Thank you for the advice x

[Bluebell878275]

This mum can cause WW3 over the absolute slightest thing Oh dear, yes, we have one of 'those' as well so I understand your worry.

I personally wouldn't say anything because A) you know that she will kick off regardless even if your intention is to diffuse the situation, B) I don't believe there is anything to actually tell really, what happens in your house is your business, this is between you, your DSD and your DP.

I understand you want to protect your DSD but it isn't your and your DP's job to handle the ex's behaviour. It is entirely the ex's responsibility to react in a mature way in front of her daughter. If she doesn't it will only bite her in the arse when your DSD is older. You and your DP will be the ones she will want to go to for advice etc because of your calm and stable behaviour. It's up to the ex to show her daughter that she can speak to her about anything without the worry of kicking off.

[GreenAndSilverBoxes]

@Bluebell878275 This mum can cause WW3 over the absolute slightest thing. We constantly walk on eggshells with her... I think a lot of examples would be too identifying but every single tiny thing gets turned in to a massive issue with her.

I know that this will definitely not go down well so I thought it was something we should maybe raise with her first to try diffuse it as much as possible rather than DSD telling her herself (which I think she would) and her going off on one in front of her and then it looking like we tried to hide it?

If I thought DSD wouldn't say anything then it would be fine but I don't want to make it worse?

[Bluebell878275]

I think (kindly) you may be building this up too much in your head. There doesn't need to be a serious discussion about this with the mum..will your DSD volunteer to tell her? As you said, it is what it is. Your DSD wanting to call you mum is not that unusual..it happens and just proves what a lovely bond you have. I think you are worrying too much

[GreenAndSilverBoxes]

Thank you for all the responses, I really do appreciate the perspective and advice...

Today she has called me a nickname. And tomorrow we'll make up another one to try...

I'm still literally so scared about how her mum will react to the whole thing...but it is what it is 😟 I'll take the wrath.

Thank you to all the people who have been kind and who have offered up anecdotes xx

[fourplusfour]

I am a mum and my DP has children of his own too. My youngest DD chooses to call him Dad. She knows he is not her DF, she has a great relationship with her DF. It is not confusing to her at all. DPs children sometimes call me mum but usually just call me by my name.
I really don't get all this preciousness about the term Mum. If there was a SM on the scene who was as involved and caring as you OP I really wouldn't object to my children calling them mum. In fact she would have probably earned it far more than my exP has earned the title 'Dad'.

[HerondaleDucks]

That's a lovely story Swimmehappy.
If she's determined then it's down to her I suppose. I mean you can't exactly say no don't call me that ever again if you've explained repeatedly and that's what they want to call you.
I must confess that I named my Dad Old Daddy and called my step dad Dad... but the name stuck really badly and I still refer to my dad as Old Daddy... my mum was mortified and used to correct me all the time.

[Swimmehappy]

(Name change here too!)
Hi OP
Just a bit of solidarity really. I’m in the same boat.
We went down the nickname route successfully back when she just turned two and tried to start ‘mum’ing me. We found a nickname which worked great (and still does mostly) until about a month or so ago when she started trying out ‘mum’ again from time to time. She completely understands I’m not her real mum* but seems determined this time. To the point my partner has heard her explaining to someone she has two mums. And I recently had to explain to someone I’m not her mum. I thought she was well out of earshot, but I was wrong and she called out ‘yes you are’. You are my xxx mum. She has a very cute word she puts with Mum that makes it very clear I’m not a real Mum (I can’t say here what it is). But still!!
I think all this has come about from things other kids say. At her birthday party her friends explained to a new kid on the block that I am her stepmum. I saw her eyes open wide with surprise, in a good way. And soon after the ‘Mum’ing started.
I’m being a little selectively deaf while we work out where this is going. It might just be a phase.
(* she knows her real mum and her dad made her and her real mum carried her in her tummy.)

[Magda72]

What @Bluebell878275 says.
You didn't fuck up at all - you were put on the spot & did what you could. Cut yourself some slack & know you're doing a great job

[Bluebell878275]

You didn't do anything wrong at all - I know how sensitive these situations can be.

What about your DSD calling you Mumyourfirstname/nickname? So she still has the mum bit to make her happy but it's also different to what she calls her mum?

[HerondaleDucks]

Wow that's some very strong opinions from some pp.
The way I see it, it's the child's choice what they call you... within reason.
I see a lot of mums justifying step dads being called Dad by their children and in some cases I feel the child has had little choice over this.
In this instance the child has asked and I think you responded just fine OP and your consequent actions are fine!
My dsd calls me Lettuce. If that helps on the nickname front.
I called my step dad Dad when I was a child (of my own choice) and his name (also my choice) when i was a teenager.
I don't think you've fucked up at all, you were in a difficult situation and it's hard to say the absolute correct thing for everyone in those circumstances.

[NorthernSpirit]

You didn’t do anything wrong. Your DSD asked, you were put on the spot and you said that she could call you what you want.

It’s the mothers insecurity that is the problem here.

[PrettyLovely]

It doesnt sound to me like you manipulated her at all, Its a good thing you have such a great relationship, Unfortunately some people really hate that a stepmum can have such a great bond with the sc, Just ignore.

[GreenAndSilverBoxes]

I'd also like to clarify I have no disdain. I have facts. I also have abbreviations which may or may not be appropriate?

BM May be offensive to some? To me I just mean descriptive reading PP (previous posts? previous posters? Or who knows now?)

Same as DP. I don't go about saying "DEAR PARTNER" in real life. I also don't refer to my child as my DEAR CHILD (they're far from dear as it happens)

I was giving back story as accurately as possible not opinion.

[GreenAndSilverBoxes]

Manipulation was the last thing on my mind. Quite the opposite. As I've said, I've faced the other end of MN once upon a time for not treating the very same child as my own. Apparently I "didn't care about her" I shouldn't have got with a man with kids" should have known what to expect"

That's long gone. And it's taken a lot of effort on both sides to get the the comfortable place we're now in.

For her to say that to me today was a win and a blow at the same time tbh. I don't want to be her mum. I've said since day 1 I'll be the Auntie figure. This came out the blue. (Long before I'd had or decided to have) kids

[TooSassy]

I Was wrong. The last post was the worst advice ever. Ignore it OP. You didn’t manipulate the poor child.

[greenlanes]

Sorry I don't think you fucked up at all. I think you manipulated a young child. Any adult with any decency would know that to agree to that statement, if it was ever made, would know how inappropriate it was. You disdain for this child's real mother shines through in your opening post. And the subsequent pity me posts are disgusting. No matter what subsequent children you have produced with this child's father you are not her mother. Deal with it so this child knows that. You can be a special person in her life, a bonus parent, but not her mother.

[TooSassy]

Oh Op. You haven’t messed up.
We’ve all been put on the spot and with hindsight thought I should have handled that better. IMO, what you did was far better than an outright ‘no’. The thought of anyone saying that to a child is clearly putting adult lenses on the situation and not taking at all into account what may be going through that child’s mind to make them say that.

The reality is that she is looking for reassurance. Normality and a sense of belonging. You have a baby with her dad who does get to call you mummy. I sense that there is a part of her who wants to know she belongs and is just as important. Thank goodness you did not say ‘no, you already have a mum’. (Worst advice ever IMO, utterly heartless and self serving).

I think the advice of playing with a nickname is great fun. Pay the ‘mum’ comment minimal attention, the bigger you make it the more you reinforce it. This simply could be a passing phase and you turn the focus onto a game around names.

Personally I think if it makes the child happy, what’s the problem? Far too many insecure people in this world. Children know who their mothers are. This isn’t about that.

[RandomMess]

I love how the Ex's feelings matter more than the child's...

[babysleeper]

I agree, keep it casual. You could both think of one nickname together?
It is very hard, I have a DSS who's 4 and has two half sisters (one from his mum and one from me). There's no right or wrong, every family is different and we learn as we go.
You sound very caring and I can see why she associates you as a Mum figure!
Keep going OP, you're doing a great job!

[PrettyLovely]

"I cried about it to DP too. He says he'll chat to her but I feel like that will be too official and I should say again casually about it."

I totally agree with you here! Yes be really casual about it, You dont want her to think she is wrong and pushed out.

You sound like a great StepMum, you really think about her feelings.
You will figuire it out, Try not to worry

[GreenAndSilverBoxes]

There's been a few like "princess XXXXX" and her friend lord Xxxx" and "CHARACTER ON TV" with "CHARACTER ON TV FRIEND"

I cried about it to DP too. He says he'll chat to her but I feel like that will be too official and I should say again casually about it.

We have a great DSD relationship, but trust me it's been tough. I faced the MN fury back in the day and worked through it emotionally to feel the way I do about her now (didn't come natural for either to start)

[PrettyLovely]

Its such a difficult situation, have you thought of any other names she could call you?

[Minesalargeginplease]

I had similar, SS is 9 (know him since 3.5) said I was the best mum in the world. To save any potential backlash I explained he had a mum and I'd be upset if DD said that about another woman and left it there. They are people and entitled to their own opinions, it should be the child's choice and what makes them comfortable without disrespecting bio mum x