My stepdaughter called me a bitch

[easylover]

I just feel my dp didn't deal with it particularly well.
Dp was at work, dinner was ready so I did the usual thing of calling the kids to come down for dinner. Dsd (12) said she wasn't coming down because she was doing her make up and then taking pictures, I said well could you do that after because it's ready now and it will go cold. She rolled her eyes and said 'I don't care, I don't want it and I'm staying here' so I just said right and closed the door. I told dp when he got home, so with me present told her off for being rude and ungrateful made her apologise, I was happy to leave it there but then she stomped upstairs and shouted bitch 😳, my dd and ds heard it and were very protective of me, asking if I was ok etc. Dp did go to speak to her, not really sure what he said to her. I just ignored her for the rest of the evening and stayed out of her way, so did my dcs but dp was back to being all nice to her after 5 minutes, joking around with her.

The following day I decided to let it go and it was the past but she was rude and funny with me all day. It was hard to say anything as dp mum was there all the kids etc but dp doesn't seem to notice and if I mention anything he just says oh no it wasn't at you that comment, it gets on my nerves as clearly it was and my dd noticed too. I don't know what to do? The problem is you end up being the evil step mother if you do or say too much 😤

[Chimineycricket]

How rude and unpleasant for you. Don't think blame and punishment (however gratifying) will get to the root and make positive lasting change. Sure you can stop it happening with sanctions but these behaviourist interventions fuel resentment in passionate, strong willed young women IMO. There's more to this worth pulling apart I reckon. Good luck with your relationship with her whatever you do.

[easylover]

I get that this is all part of teenage behaviour after all there are 3 other teens in our house, there's ups and down with all of them in different ways. I was rude to my mum when I was a teenager, but that doesn't make it ok to call me a bitch! However of course I have moved on now, but whatever child it is I will do anything for them but I don't just accept them to be rude to me and mine have been punished in the past and I very rarely have a problem now. It's not easy when it's your dsd though as whatever you do is wrong and with my own it's up to me how I deal with my own. Teenagers hey!

[Aroundtheworldandback]

I too think you have a dp problem. I would not be surprised if his telling off to her which you didn’t hear was just a ‘now now wink wink’ thing. I would have asked to be there while her dad was telling her off to hear if she was actually told off.

No way can she be allowed to get away with that behaviour to anyone, let alone someone who’s just cooked her a meal. Yes of course teenagers are rude but if there aren’t consequences it’s a road to hell. Unless anyone’s suggesting that because it’s a step child the same rules don’t apply?

[Urbanbeetler]

You need to sit down with your do and his daughter and talk about it in a constructive and adult way. You and do need a joint approach which is to gently explain why it is hurtful and therefore not how feelings can be expressed. Help her to consider a better way of showing her frustration - and most importantly, show her this hurts because she is loved in your house. She is young and needs teaching rather than punishing. Save that for if there is a next time.

[MachineBee]

I’m in the ‘teenager hormones do not equal rudeness’ camp. But your DP needs to sort this properly and clearly hasn’t.

If he doesn’t nip it in the bud, he’s just storing up trouble further down the road.

[Wdigin2this]

I totally agree, teenagers who are allowed to get away with rudeness, turn into unpleasant adults. We all go through the awkward hormonal period, that does not excuse bad/rude behaviour.
In my (humble) opinion this generation of young teens, is growing up with an entitled attitude to life, which will bite them back, when they enter the rough & tumble of the adult world! We're not doing them any favours!

[Shortstuff08]

I think she needs to apologise for calling you a bitch.

However, I find it odd that you and your kids ignored her all evening. It's entirely possible that she feels not part of the family and like you 3 gang up on her. This could be causing resentment.

Teenagers do have outbursts. I have a 14 year old. They don't always control themselves well, but should be made to apologise for it when it happens.

However freezing her out isn't going to help.

[easylover]

Well shorts I find it odd that you would want to be all normal and nice after your daughter called you a bitch. I don't care who it is my dd my ds my sd my mum my sister, I would not want to speak to them for a few hours. By the next day we all move on. It's nothing to do with freezing her out and this behaviour has been on going anyway.

[MrsSnootyPants2018]

It's sound alike she's going through the "you're not my mum so I'm not listening" stage. When we were growing up my cousins step sister did this for a couple of years and it was so horrid to be around.

[trooperlooperdo]

being rude to parents is part of being a teenager? no it absolutely is NOT!

[easylover]

Yep and it's getting worse I had some awful messages from her, stop doing this stop doing that real abuse. Then I get a message saying I don't have to be nice to you your not blood your just someone who dates my dad and I don't know why but ok 😳.
I had to go out for a drive to calm down. I've been with her dad for 6 years and we're getting married next month.

[Moussemoose]

Shouting 'bitch' is absolutely not part of being a teenager. It's is rude and unacceptable. It is not tolerable behaviour whatever the age.

Good God how low are you standards if you think someone shouting "bitch" at you is in anyway acceptable?

And yes I have teenagers, I work with young people. I know what I'm talking about and this: Is. Not. On.

[Moussemoose]

The 'you' in that post was not directed at the OP, it was a general 'you' to some pp.

[easylover]

Well I'm just so down about the whole thing since there has been more abuse, I feel like leaving but of course I won't

[Tara336]

I have a similar issue with adult SD she has out of the blue (after us having a great relationship) turned into a total cow towards me. DH says it was due to her depression but yet she treats everyone else fine as far as I can see. DH also says that I should not have an opinion on anything ie she likes to quite politics an awful lot which are the polar opposite to my thoughts. She asked us BOTH how we voted the proceeded to tell us why we are wrong. I just said in your opinion not mine (hardly a controversial comment).

So we are now at a point after her telling some pretty bad lies/manipulating things I said to sound mean and causing a row between myself and DH that I make sure I’m not around when she visits as I just don’t want to be around her. Myself and DH are fine but I know it’s not really an ideal situation.

I think as a stepmother you just cannot win no matter how hard you try.

[TooSassy]

I CANNOT even begin to think that there are people on here who justify a child calling an adult a bitch as a result of hormones. My DC would be instantly punished and life would certainly not return to normal within 5 minutes. Hormones or not, completely unacceptable behaviour.

From reading the OP's posts, I cannot see that this DC was made to apologise after calling the OP a bitch. Nor can I see that she was punished. Completely unacceptable if that is the case and it is a complete cop out from parenting.

OP you need to sit down with your DP and explain boundaries. If she cannot be civil, then quite frankly, she should not be in your house. She is learning that she can abuse you, infront of your children and your DP. NOT ACCEPTABLE. Put the brakes on this now, she's 12!

[TooSassy]

Seriously, I'm FURIOUS for you OP. Don't put up with this. This is possibly my history coming out but I had years of this stuff from my own mother. I would rather live in a tent in peace with my DC then stay in a house where this is the abuse I am receiving from a child.

Your DP and you have to have a chat. He needs to get on the same page as you. And you need to gently sit the DC down and have a chat about behaviour and what won't be tolerated. I'm sure shes probably reacting about the upcoming marriage; but then she needs to talk about it. NOT learn that abuse is an acceptable way to channel emotions.

[easylover]

Thank you and yes she is back in our house now, so we will be having a chat tonight, dp realizes that he has to do something, she has said some more awful things and now is back in our care, it's summer holidays next week nooooo x

[easylover]

So after my step daughter has been rude to me again but has apologised however my 2 dcs are ignoring her 😬, and dp has said he has a problem with that. Should I have a word with my 2 or does my step daughter need to understand she upsets me, she upsets them. I not sure what to do

[TooSassy]

How old are your DC? Personally there is no way I would sit my Dc down and tell them to chill if someone abused me. Your Dc are witnessing someone they love being abused. It’s not ok. I don’t care if she is apologising after the act.

She is 12 and she needs to learn that actions have consequences. Your DP needs to learn that too. Normalising this behaviour is not ok. My DC are younger than 12 and I’ve been explaining to them for years that saying hurtful things when they are angry is not ok. And that feelings get hurt. These are important lessons to be learned.

In your shoes what I would honestly do is sit the DC down together to have a child to child chat (moderated by yourself and your DP if it gets heated). His DD needs to hear your DC explain (calmly and respectfully) how it makes them feel to hear you called a Bitch. She needs to understand that it is her actions causing this and that if she doesn’t like being ignored then she needs to make changes. End of.

Do not discipline your DC because of her appalling behaviour

[flamingofridays]

Being rude to parents is part of being a teenager, so if step-parents want to be respected in the same way then parents are, which is totally fair enough, they have to accept that they will be treated like parents are, and that comes with the bad behaviour

And being bollocked for that rudeness is part if being a teenager too. Except when you're a step parent you're not allowed to do that.

[easylover]

Thank you toosassy, it's good to have your opinion, I think maybe a chat between the children might be an idea but I'm not telling them they have to be nice to her and just forget it.

[TooSassy]

Absolutely categorically do not tell your children that. If you have taught them right from wrong then they know this is wrong and they have every right to feel the way they do.

Child experts will tell you that when there is disagreement between children / or things get said, the parents should not always get involved and introduce their dynamic. The children should have a peer to peer conversation (with the parents present) because this is their relationship. This is not their relationship with this person via the two parents.

Let her hear it from your DC and let her ponder on it. If she needs help managing her emotions then come up with tactics as a family. Let her know you all love her and can help her but that she is causing this.

[easylover]

Brilliant advice, thank you x